Accepting your status as Dom (Full Version)

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karenmg29 -> Accepting your status as Dom (3/25/2006 10:05:14 PM)

Hi there... I am new to this site, and also new to being a sub. I am in a 24/7 lifestyle relationship. I have a question that I would like to pose to Masters who are at least fairly experienced in *lifestyle* D/s. I would be very grateful for Your opinions on this.

   First, let me tell you a bit of background on us. John and I met about a year ago when I was going through some major life changes including separation from my husband and some major mental health issues. We were both looking for a partner, not seeking a D/s relationship. (Well, not on the surface anyway. ;-) ) I knew from the beginning of our relationship that John was different from anyone I had ever been with. His role in my life, almost from the beginning was one of support and advice, almost like a big brother. As time went by, I realized that I was reacting very strongly to his suggestions, and taking his advice very seriously. I recognized that he knew a lot more than I did about many things and that he had a much more rational, less impulsive and emotion-driven approach than I did.

   As time passed, I became more and more needy of his guidance. I was in a major tail-spin, having serious mental health issues which manifested as sometimes pushing him away, sometimes being a very difficult person to be with, or rationalize to. My childhood had been traumatic and I saw things often in a threatening way.  I sought boundaries from John which I never got with my parents. I sensed in him someone who could teach me how to be responsible, and someone who I could trust never to betray me. He was, and is, always there for me. He truly sees me, and seems to intuitively know most of the time what I need.

   I have been a sub all my life, but have not had an opportunity to explore this with anyone. John and I have been exploring lifestyle D/s.  He has been very open to it. And yet, he is still uncertain what being a Dom means to him. I tell him that I have never met anyone more important to me in my life ever, and that he has changed my life. He has given me love, an ability to trust someone, and discipline I desperately need. I have realized that although I am chronologically 40 years old that I never had a chance to truly grow up, and that John is, in fact, my de facto parent. He has worked very hard for me, and put up with some difficult behavior on my part. Though the path hasn't been easy for us, he is committed to helping me through this, helping me to grow up.

   My question is this: How do I help him accept his role as Dom? He is someone who does not take praise easily. It isn't false modesty, but simply that he does not see himself as deserving all the praise and adoration that I long to give him. I have told him that if he has a difficult time accepting being a Dom that I am going to have trouble with my role as a sub and that is going to affect my mental health negatively. I would really appreciate any advice.  Thank you in advance for your help. Peace.... Karen



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Accepting your status as Dom (3/26/2006 12:12:13 AM)

Karen,

In reality, there's nothing that you can REALLY do to make someone accept something about themselves, positive or negative, if they're not ready or willing to do so. Expecting him to be something you think he should be is you projecting your view of what he should be onto him. So, the best thing you can do is accept him as he is...truly accept it. This means realizing that he might not  be in a place in his emotional or spiritual development where he CAN be a Dom...and that he might not EVER be a Dom. Do what he did with you: love him anyway.

I know, I know...much easier said than done. I'm working through this one, too, only in reverse. It ain't easy.

Fire



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Accepting your status as Dom (3/26/2006 1:07:21 PM)

To the OP...well it seems to me as if he is a "natural" Dominant,maybe not your idea of what you wish in a Dom but a Dominant nonetheless.He lead ,you followed...simple as that..so in essence you are trying to get him to behave in the manner you think he should.He, it seemed to be ,was telling you what he wants,he is saying he does not want adoration or praise..So IMO he is at this time being more Dominant than you are submissive.Plus I hate to say this but my perception is that you are in some ways attempting to blackmail him into what you want by telling him that your mental health would be affected negatively. Manipulation in a submissive is not good form.....be well..tempting



Lordandmaster -> RE: Accepting your status as Dom (3/26/2006 1:45:45 PM)

Very insightful, TNS.



theRose4U -> RE: Accepting your status as Dom (3/26/2006 6:36:04 PM)

quote:

I have told him that if he has a difficult time accepting being a Dom that I am going to have trouble with my role as a sub and that is going to affect my mental health negatively.


Personally I see this as a huge problem on the horizon. Not only are you trying to bully the one that you call dominant but you're setting yourself up for failure by basing all of your well being on this other person. If I recall correctly it's called co-dependence and he's TOTALLY right for not falling for it. If you're going to be better long term you have to be better even if it's by yourself...learning how to be a whole person. Anything less is going to eventually be the cause of the breakup of this relationship.
I had the benefit of the guidence of an alpha personality. Still to this day he can't SPELL kink let alone process that why our relationship worked was that he was the dominant guiding and directing everthing I did. You're trying to force things into little boxes so that you can process it. He is doing what a dominant is supposed to do... bending with the situation but still remaining the fixed and strong force.
Emotional blackmail of," do this or I'll get sick again" isn't going to get you anything but alone if you do it enough. The kindest thing I can say is KNOCK IT OFF!! If you trust his guidence and learn from his balance why does it matter if he calls himself a Dom or the King of Bahrain?



johnxinxscruz -> RE: Accepting your status as Dom (3/26/2006 6:59:15 PM)


Wow. There's so much that is odd about this, for me.

I live in the same area. I just recently discovered my Dom side, and am learning how to fit that in to my life. And my name is John.

Though, I don't think I know any karen's right now ... certainly not involved with one.

That said, I agree with the other responders:

Don't blackmail him. Whether it's a vanilla relationship or a D/s one, it seems to me that if you're not both looking for the same relationship, then it will only lead to a place of doom. Trying to force it through blackmail will either cause you to be alone, or cause him to be in a relationship that isn't fulfilling ... and eventually he will realize it and resent it (and, again, you'll probably end up alone). If you care about him, you wont want him to be in a relationship that he will resent once he's conscious of it.

And, is that really the position you want to be in with your Dom? Isn't the thing you like about him that HE sets the structure of things, and not _you_? Maybe the decision he's making is exactly giving you the right structure, and you just need to let go -- let him continue to set the pace and structure of the relationship, trust that he's doing the right thing. Or, if that really is what you need, then maybe he held a temporary place in your life and it's time for you to find someone who fills the role you really do need.

Trying to force it upon him, though, wont lead to good things. It will ultimately not lead either of you to the relationship you want.



CanadianGuy -> RE: Accepting your status as Dom (3/27/2006 1:49:23 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: karenmg29

John was different from anyone I had ever been with. His role in my life, almost from the beginning was one of support and advice, almost like a big brother. As time went by, I realized that I was reacting very strongly to his suggestions... he knew a lot more than I did about many things and that he had a much more rational, less impulsive and emotion-driven approach than I did.

How do I help him accept his role as Dom?

I believe he already has, but it sounds like you want him to say "I'm a Dominant, you're my submissive, and we're involved in the D/s lifestyle 24/7 w00t!!!!!11" or something like that.  From what you said, it seems that you want the label.  I don't think that's unusual for a submissive who has been through mental health problems and other trauma in her past.  He's your stability.  You want it to go a step further and hear him say it.

My advice is to not pressure him, even if it's tempting.  Let him know, honestly, your desires.  Ask him how he feels about it.  And if that's where it ends, you need to respect him for his decision.  Show him, by your submission and love, that you will follow his lead, accept his wishes, bow to his control.  Be careful not to try to change him, because to me it sounds like he's a strong man who won't react well to being manipulated or threatened.  Best of luck to you, karen.



cillydom -> RE: Accepting your status as Dom (3/27/2006 5:37:24 AM)

You can teach a man safe play
you can teach a man rope tying
you can teach a man fire play
you can teach a man fisting
you can’t teach a man how to feel like a dom
that he has to figure out on his own



SirLordTrainer -> RE: Accepting your status as Dom (3/27/2006 6:36:37 AM)

Hi karen,  Im inclined to agree with Fire in that one cannot make someone accept something about themselves in that regard. However, if hes uncertain about what being a Dominant means to him then My suggestion would be to read and study, then decide from there. Theyre are many helpful websites available as well as plenty of books, most notably ''The Loving Dominant'' by John Warren, who by the way, also posts on this site. As well I would also recommend Jay Wisemans book "SM101".   Best of luck



DelightfulSpirit -> RE: Accepting your status as Dom (3/29/2006 9:07:37 AM)

Karen,

I can relate totally -- to wanting the label, to wanting more, to seeing that what there is is fantastic and quite naturally dominant, to not wanting to push, to wanting more, to wanting the label, to seeing ...

(Sigh)

- Delightful Spirit



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