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RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/3/2010 12:41:22 AM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Asher9624

Fantastic, thanks everyone. I have only talked to a couple other doms and they were very much of the opinion that a new sub should never be with a new or somewhat inexperienced dom.

That's because they were trying to get in your pants themselves... likely under the guise of "training" you properly, as only an "experienced" Dom can do. There's nothing wrong with learning together... contrary to what some may think, if you're not doin' the edgy stuff (e.g., breath play, cutting, etc.), the physical component to WIITWD ain't exactly rocket science.

Bottom Line: If you've found someone you really like and are comfortable with (and visa versa), then you're miles ahead of the game. Enjoy the ride... together!!!

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RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/3/2010 3:41:27 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Asher9624

Wow, I am shocked by the all the people who said those doms wanted me to "pick them" or "go with them." That just seems REALLY dishonorable. Like shockingly dishonorable to me. Thank you for the heads up not to necessarily think they had my interests at heart. I guess I thought that people with as many years in this lifestyle as they had would have been totally upfront with someone new wanting to ask questions. And thank you for the responses because they made me feel much better and I can't wait to throw myself into this and explore!

well, thats certainly part of it, also you get people who think everyone else is an idiot and theyre the only ones who know what theyre doing. kinda arrogant. its the self professed 'experts' who take a sharp intake of breath and make that hissing noise and say something annoying like 'well, i wouldnt have done it that way' - so what! - theyre not you.

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RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/3/2010 4:51:55 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Asher9624

Wow, I am shocked by the all the people who said those doms wanted me to "pick them" or "go with them." That just seems REALLY dishonorable. Like shockingly dishonorable to me. Thank you for the heads up not to necessarily think they had my interests at heart. I guess I thought that people with as many years in this lifestyle as they had would have been totally upfront with someone new wanting to ask questions.

The number of years in the lifestyle... first off, that may NOT be the amount of years they claim. Second, that experience could be some guy who calls a woman a stupid bitch once a week and thinks that he's a Master at humiliation play.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/3/2010 8:45:26 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

Can you both grow into your roles or is it imperative that the dom be the more experienced one showing the ropes as it were?

That really is up to you to decide. you say there is "great chemistry" - that is an A-OK thing to build on. But then, what exactly is "great chemistry"? You do have to be careful with people who say all the right things - he has to have gotten that knowledge somewhere, so he might simply be a very good manipulator.

Experience really is a combination of two things - learning, and doing. It has little to do with growth. The learning he can do now, and thereby prove to you he is serious. He can then use you to practice, something you should do if you find it enjoyable. You can then both "grow into it". But from the way you talk about it, and your question marks, it looks like he is trying to get you by being all things to all people, never a receipe for succes.

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RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/3/2010 1:05:30 PM

QuirkyAnne

Posts: 268
Joined: 9/17/2008
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First off, ignore what anyone else tells you and go with your own gut feelings. That is the MOST important thing. If you have chemistry with this man, GREAT!! That is key to a relationship like this. Sure he'll mess up a few times, but that's going to happen with any Dom when starting out with someone new to them whether one or both parties has 15 years of experience or 15 minutes. When it happens, make a note of it, and discuss it with him afterward and together your trust and bond will grow. As another poster said, "nobody is born with a flogger in his hand.

"

Now, onto some of the bullshit... Anyone who tells you that a sub shouldn't start out with an "inexperienced Dom," is not stating a FACT, they are stating their OPINION. While there might be pros and cons to that opinion, it does not make it absolutely true. Trust me, I'll take an inexperienced Dom who I have good chemistry with any day over someone with years and years of practice that I only feel lukewarm about. Additionally, as someone else mentioned, there are "experienced" Doms who try to use this tactic to score a new sub because they're incompetent and "virgin blood" is the only kind they can get their hands on for any length of time, simply because the sub doesn't know any better.

If you're both wanting him to get more experience with physical play activities, look up your local BDSM club or community and go to a couple of parties and munches. I can almost guarantee you that you'll run into responsible people who are eager to help new people to the lifestyle "learn the ropes" so to speak so that they too can practice safe, sane, and consensual fun.

Best of luck to you both. It sounds like you're on the right track!

< Message edited by QuirkyAnne -- 2/3/2010 1:09:07 PM >

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RE: new and confused with dom/sub dynamic - 2/3/2010 1:32:08 PM

QuirkyAnne

Posts: 268
Joined: 9/17/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Second, that experience could be some guy who calls a woman a stupid bitch once a week and thinks that he's a Master at humiliation play.

Thanks Steven. You owe me a new keyboard. *goes off to get Q-tips and alcohol*

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Anne

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Post #: 26