RE: noob question about keeping it all objective

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Lockit -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/5/2010 9:41:43 AM)
Stop looking for her garbage and masking your own. Fear is not a good protective measure in relationships and whatever kind of situation you have is still a relationship of some sort.

SternFather -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/5/2010 11:38:24 AM)
Ya I'm not quite sure what that meant, but I'll take it in the constructive way I'm sure it was meant. I'm pretty surprised a the number and weath of the respones I have got to the few posts I have started. In a good way. I think I need to sit back and absorb for a while because it's all coming in really fast. I'll just leave this thread with this thought. I feel like I've come from planet Vanilla, where I didn't really fit in, and now I am here on this new planet with it's own customs and protocols and I don't know what they are. But I think once I do, I will fit in a lot better than I did on planet Vanilla.

Lockit -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/5/2010 12:12:04 PM)
We are just people having relationships of a certain flavor. There are no set rules or ways that each person does things. The relationships we have are as varied as they are with anyone else. It is good to sit back and read, learn and such, but we aren't another planet. lol What I mean is you are afraid to fall in love and be devistated. If you are trying to keep things tempered and not too deep so that you don't fall in love becasue you are afraid of the devistated, you are letting fear be your protective mode. You have mentioned the baggage of women and I have found that when a man mentions that, they have some attitude about the baggage and have some baggage of their own. (I used the wrong word in my previous post.) I am just saying... pay attention to your own baggage and work on that and healing and then you can be realistic about someone else's baggage and will fare better.

agirl -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/5/2010 12:21:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SternFather As I said in my introduction, what brought me here was the understanding that what I valued most from my last relationship was the associated feelings I recieved that came along with the sense of ownership I had for the woman I was dating. Until her I had never experienced anything as intense or as good. Even though every other aspect of the relationship was a disaster, I didn't care, I was hooked on the feeling and when it ended I was devistated. It's only now, that I am starting to understand why I was so devistated and that it was because she let me explore my D side with her. While I want the good feelings again, I don't want any part of the devistation. How do you keep from getting in too deep? Or do you? It seems like there are people that have successfully incorporated this into their lives as part of their lives, hense the term lifestyle, while there are others that seem to be just doing this on Thursdays because there was no open spot on one of the bowling leagues. I guess this is a stupid question, but it boils down to how do you keep from falling in love while still enjoying it all? Maybe now that I am understanding what my own feelings actually were I will be able to manage it myself, but if I am going to be honest, I have to say it scares the hell out of me. For now. There's no guarentees whether you'll have feelings for someone or not. It's going to depend on you and anyone you meet up/chat with. You can go at your own pace and invest as much or as little as you want to, just like any relationship/friendship. agirl

SternFather -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/5/2010 1:02:46 PM)
Big point of confusion for me... From what I read there are a lot of you guys (not all) that see each other and you have no real feelings for each other. You explore your dominant and submissive sides together, but from my very limited point of view (because I have a hard time seeing over all of my own baggage :-p Thanks Lockit) you aren't planning on moving in together to do it and you never plan on it. You keep your lives seperate and you do this "on the side" but together. I'm not saying I want that, but since I have never experienced that I can't say I don't. Maybe something like that would be good right now (well not RIGHT now). Maybe I need to able to exercise my Dominant side in a more clinnical controlled manner than trying to meet a girl and find out she is NOT into it. I'm just going to have to meet some people is all there is to it. Posting about riding a motorcycle and riding a motorcycle are totally different. I'm sure this is like that X10

heartcream -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/5/2010 1:08:39 PM)
OP you joined here four years ago?? I joined here almost three years ago and I learned plenty in that time. I dont get it.

juliaoceania -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/5/2010 1:25:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartcream OP you joined here four years ago?? I joined here almost three years ago and I learned plenty in that time. I dont get it. Just because one joined 4 years ago does not mean that they have been attempting to learn all that time... there have been stretches of time I was not particularly interested in learning more about BDSM

heartcream -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/5/2010 2:16:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania Just because one joined 4 years ago does not mean that they have been attempting to learn all that time... there have been stretches of time I was not particularly interested in learning more about BDSM Sure, of course. It surprised me when I saw his joining date is all, compared to his post.

lucylucy -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/5/2010 5:20:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: heartcream OP you joined here four years ago?? I joined here almost three years ago and I learned plenty in that time. I dont get it. I joined in March 2009, logged on once and then didn't log on again for six months. That may not be what most people do, but in itself doesn't raise any eyebrows for me.

Kana -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/5/2010 6:40:19 PM)
A-I never fool around with anyone unless there is some sort of emotional connectivity B-As has been posted by others, I control my emotions, not the other way around. C-If I cannot control my emotions, and they rule me, what am I doing dominating another? D-All that said, yep, I know that intoxicating feeling you are describing. It can over-ride common sense, skew decision making. Keep your involvement up-in many ways it's the same thing as the first time you kissed a girl-heart all aflutter, stomach in my throat. The first time is terrifying, but with practice, it get's easier, fear of rejection lessens, the realization occurs that this one girl isn't the only one, that there are others. As your experience progresses, you will gain control over that exhuberence.

SternFather -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/6/2010 6:37:09 AM)
Hold on everybody!!! I joined THIS WEEK!!!!. I don't know what the deal is with the join date unless I got the inactive nick of someone who left. Sooo consider that. Brand New with NO experience outside my last relationship which caused me to consider learning more about the D/s lifestyle from your points of view. I guess I have to explain this. My last relatiosnship was with a woman who let me explore my dominant side with her. She never came out and said "yes I am a sub and I want you to be my Dom" or anything like that. But I am a very dominant "step up and take care of things" kind of guy. She had a house and three kids and although I didn't live with her I just sort of sarted doing all the things a guy is supposed to do like taking care of the lawn and appliances etc.. In the bedroom she let me know that she wanted to try some bondage, and she loved to be choked and the feel my hands on her throat...."Take Me" was her favorite saying (or maybe it was mine) but she only said it during anal which is when she got off the hardest. I'm 46. The type of experiences I had with her is what I have been searching for my whole life. Until I talked to my friend who is the Dommina, I figured I was done. I had my one chance. But she tells me about what she's doing in the lifestyle, and I start seeing the parallels. I understand I'll get over her, but I don't want "it" to be over. So what I'm really trying to figure out is will I get that feeling with anyone that lets me explore my Dominant side with them, without love involved up front, or do I need to be in love with a person first. So ignore my join date. The girl in the story moved away 6 months ago. I'm looking to move on and take things slow. I don't know if this is for me or not, but I finally got a taste and I liked it. Hopefully everone is clear now.

texangael -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/6/2010 9:30:07 AM)
quote: While I want the good feelings again, I don't want any part of the devistation. Welcome to the human race. Prepare to be disappointed. quote: How do you keep from getting in too deep? Or do you? You don't. There is no reward without risk, and that makes a "safe" relationship a contradiction in terms. When you choose to get close to someone you choose to put yourself in a position where they can hurt you, even if only by saying "goodbye".

CalifChick -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/6/2010 9:52:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SternFather Hold on everybody!!! I joined THIS WEEK!!!!. I don't know what the deal is with the join date unless I got the inactive nick of someone who left. I believe you are correct on that. I recall someone else mentioning this recently, as they inherited the former user's forum posts from a couple of years back. quote: So what I'm really trying to figure out is will I get that feeling with anyone that lets me explore my Dominant side with them, without love involved up front, or do I need to be in love with a person first. I'm coming from the sub persperctive, so I cannot explain that feeling and how to get it from the dominant side, but I'll say this. I don't need to be in love with someone to feel submissive towards them. I'm one of those people who are take-charge in all other aspects of my life. However, when I feel a vibe (and no you pervs, not THAT kind of vibe) from a strong, take-charge kind of guy, I find that I WANT and NEED to be transparent with them. Transparency of thought, of emotion, of fears, of desires. I do not struggle with holding back. I do not struggle with whether or not to reveal the deep, dark places in my brain. I do not struggle with the thought, "If I let someone else (him) make this decision, is it going to be the right one?" (okay, not "never" struggle, but we'll say "hardly ever"). And it's not necessarily a light-switch sort of thing... off one minute then immediately on. It is something that builds, sometimes very very quickly, sometimes slowly, as you get to know someone, as they show you what kind of person they are, what their style of dominance is, how they handle situations, etc. Instead of me writing a seriously long novel about power exchange, you might want to do a search on that phrase for old discussions. And if you find that power exchange is not for you, then bedroom submission may be what you're seeking. I can't be happy in a relationship with bedroom-only submission, but others find that it meets their needs. Cali *(who is seriously wondering how to get Cincinnati to up and move right next to Fresno)*

LafayetteLady -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/6/2010 8:53:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SternFather I guess this is a stupid question, but it boils down to how do you keep from falling in love while still enjoying it all? I haven't read the other posts, so sorry if this has been addressed already. But if you aren't willing to fall in love, why bother? If you are going to enter into a relationship, but remain guarded and not feel anything, you aren't being fair to your partner, and you aren't being fair to yourself either. Yes, when you fall in love, you risk getting hurt. But if you refuse to take the chance, it really isn't worth the effort. Maybe the last time you moved to fast, maybe she wasn't the right one. But unless you want to engage in just casual play, you need to have the courage to make that leap into the deep end of the pool again so you can really be in the relationship. Good luck. ETA: Ok, so I just read your last post with the question of do you have to be in love first. Think about all your other relationships....were you in love before getting intimate? My guess is probably not. Falling in love takes time. I get the feeling you want a monogamous relationship. So take your time and let it build naturally. Don't rush getting the girl into bed, but don't hold back however you feel. Might you end up in a couple of relationships where the love doesn't come? Yup. So then you move on, just like "vanilla" dating. Oh yea, and stop worrying about it. That never seems to help, lol

sexyred1 -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/6/2010 9:28:06 PM)
OP, it seems that you have experienced "Dom Frenzy" which is not spoken about as often as "sub frenzy". But the effect is the same. You, at a relatively later time in your life experienced D/s with someone you felt safe with and fell in love with. It did not matter whether she was dominant in her life and just was submissive to you; none of that is relevant. What is relevant is what you do with that experience. To ask how to get these intense feelings without being in love is sort of like asking when will I fall in love. To want to have these intense feelings and then wonder if you will get hurt, is normal, but avoiding getting involved is letting your fears control you instead of your passions. Look, OP, we are adults here. Anyone who has not been hurt in a relationship is pretty rare. In my last relationship, I was the most in love, experienced the most intense feelings, the most intense D/s of my entire life. We were and are not right for each other. But we were addicted to the intense feelings. You can have that happen to you without being in love, I suppose, I just have not experienced that level without the love. But I also got hurt worse than anything ever before in that relationship. Would I do it again? It depends. I want those intense feelings again, but cannot do it casually. Will I meet someone I can trust with all that? Who knows? Is it going to stop me from seeking? Not at all. I just learned from it and will incorporate that learning into the next thing, if there is one. And if there is not, for you and for me and anyone else? We are still luckier than most people on the planet who never felt the ecstacy of intensity. But remember, sometimes with ecstacy comes agony. It's a bit like having loved and lost rather than never having loved at all.

SternFather -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/6/2010 9:54:58 PM)
This thread has evolved as I have come to understand things a little better. Lets forget about the love. Lets forget about getting in to deep or getting hurt when a relationship ends. That all happens in every day life. What brought me to this site was the feeling of ownership I had for my last partner. That was a direct result of our D/s behavior in the bedroom. Now I had a feeling of responsibillity which is not what I am talking about here. I'm talking about ownership. As in I own you and you belong to me. I always have a feeling of responsibillity. But this was the first time I ever felt ownership. What I really want to know is can I get that feeling without a loving relationship at all? Can I get it without it being a sexual one? Lets put aside what I might want out of a woman I have feelings for, what I am interested in knowing is what, if anything, can I get out of a woman I have no feelings for but who is willing to let me explore my dominant side with her. It sounds like there are plenty of people doing just that. I want to know if I can get that same feeling of ownership for someone that otherwise means nothing to me. Not because I want to keep things seperate, just I want to know myself better and recognize my emotions for what they are and not get them all mixed up. OK, I think we have made great progress in this session. I just pay the receptionist right?

CalifChick -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/6/2010 11:47:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SternFather ...what, if anything, can I get out of a woman I have no feelings for but who is willing to let me explore my dominant side with her. It sounds like there are plenty of people doing just that. I want to know if I can get that same feeling of ownership for someone that otherwise means nothing to me. Methinks you're overthinking it. If you really want to explore dominance without romantic attachment, take on a male slave. I know several straight men who have service subs or service slaves. Cali (cash only, please)

LafayetteLady -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/7/2010 1:09:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SternFather This thread has evolved as I have come to understand things a little better. Lets forget about the love. Lets forget about getting in to deep or getting hurt when a relationship ends. That all happens in every day life. What brought me to this site was the feeling of ownership I had for my last partner. That was a direct result of our D/s behavior in the bedroom. Now I had a feeling of responsibillity which is not what I am talking about here. I'm talking about ownership. As in I own you and you belong to me. I always have a feeling of responsibillity. But this was the first time I ever felt ownership. What I really want to know is can I get that feeling without a loving relationship at all? Can I get it without it being a sexual one? Lets put aside what I might want out of a woman I have feelings for, what I am interested in knowing is what, if anything, can I get out of a woman I have no feelings for but who is willing to let me explore my dominant side with her. It sounds like there are plenty of people doing just that. I want to know if I can get that same feeling of ownership for someone that otherwise means nothing to me. Not because I want to keep things seperate, just I want to know myself better and recognize my emotions for what they are and not get them all mixed up. OK, I think we have made great progress in this session. I just pay the receptionist right? I think the bigger question there is why do you want to have that feeling for someone you feel nothing for? Yes, there are plenty of people around here who do that, but there are also plenty of people here who do that within a loving relationship. There is no singluar way of doing things. So can you get that feeling with someone you don't care about? Maybe, it depends on the type of person you are. I think you are a bit confused though in thinking that by doing so, you will know yourself better without getting things "mixed up." For many people (I am one of them), those "feelings" don't come with someone I care nothing about. Think about it this way.....in situation #1 you pick up a girl in a bar and take her home and have a one night stand. Situation #2 you are in a relationship with someone and having sex. Is one better than the other or are they both the same? Sure you probably are getting off in both situations, but if you are a "relationship" person, situation #2 is going to be the one you enjoy more. You can get to know this "side" of yourself within the confines of a relationship. In reality, if you try to do it without the relationship and then look to move on to a relationship, the things you learned will be different anyway because your feelings for the one you are doing it with will be different. Understand what I'm saying?

TreasureKY -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/7/2010 6:08:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SternFather What I really want to know is can I get that feeling without a loving relationship at all? Can I get it without it being a sexual one? You might be able to... you might not. It sounds to me as if what you are wanting is simply practice and a chance to explore your own feelings. That is understandable. Can you do that without risk? Possibly. You might be able to experiment and examine your own feelings while remaining detached. The question really is... are there women out there willing to be your guinea pig?

KatyLied -> RE: noob question about keeping it all objective (2/7/2010 7:26:26 AM)
I understand the need to learn things and even the need to find someone who will agree to a relationship within specific parameters. I am not sure it will be easy to find a submissive who seeks something similar. I do not like to engage in casual relationships, not sure how many others share similar feelings.

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