heartcream
Posts: 3044
Joined: 5/9/2007
From: Psychoalphadiscobetabioaquadoloop
Status: offline
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Okay this is another one sent to me by my sister, it is pretty funny and vewy good adwice!
Chinese Doctor Speaks:
Q:
Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise
can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so
many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise.
Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart
not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of
car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take
nap.
Q: Should I cut down
on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical
efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And
what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing
more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to
your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef
also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily
allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better -
everything Cow eats in one package!
Q:
Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out
of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.
Beer also made of grain. All people who don't drink
unhappy - happy people live longer so drink more. Bottom up!
Q: How can I
calculate my body/fat ratio?
A:
Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are
some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think
of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street
than lying on couch. My philosophy is: No
pain...good!
Q:
Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU
NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable
oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could
getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q:
Will sit-ups help
prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you
exercise muscle, it get bigger.. You should only be
doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q:
What about food
additives?
A: You want to complain about
something for free? If it added - must be better - like fuel
additive!
Q:
Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you
crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another
vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q:
Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for
your figure, explain whale to me..
Q:
Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any
misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life
should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but
rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -
chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a
ride!!"
AND......
For
those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final
word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of
red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of
beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat
and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.
_____________________________
"Exaggerate the essential, leave the obvious vague." Vincent Van Gogh
I'd Rather Be With You
Every single line means something.
Jean-Michel Basquiat
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