Humiliation and Loss of Respect

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ryninvegas1 -> Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/5/2010 3:27:53 PM)
I don't want to go into it into much detail, but i do like verbal humiliation and emasculation. I have been in a relationship with my partner for five years and we have scened progressively harder and harder having diven somewhat to the deep end of humiliation (verbal, emasculating remarks, sissy play, ass play, panties, etc.). My Mistress/Lover has now informed me that sometimes she feels 'bad' after humiliating me in all these ways and I have sensed that She isn't into it for its own sake but is doing it because i ask her. She says it makes her feel bad/gross and She said she is losing respect for me as she doesn't think sissy play is hot "at all" and honestly states that she just doesn't like it but will do it if i really want it only because i want it. I feel she is kinda dropping this on me FIVE YEARS into a LTR...what should i do? I am overwhelmed with fear. Fear that She has lost respect for me or is about to and that she hasn't been happy in our scening/sex life for a long time when I thought it was blissful and awesome. I appreciate honest answers from Dommes who have maybe felt the same things.

LadyOddsworth -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/5/2010 3:38:22 PM)
Who is the D and who is the s in this relationship? you may like certain things, but that doesn't mean you are going to get them. She needs to be more selfish when dealing with you and do what makes HER happy. Put your wants aside. Have a night were you do ONLY and I mean ONLY what SHE likes. Then see how she feels.

LadyAngelika -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/5/2010 4:09:46 PM)
quote: I appreciate honest answers from Dommes who have maybe felt the same things. I don't do what I don't want to do in my play dynamic relationships. Plain and simple. Saying that about the rest of my life would be unrealistic because even though I'm always in control, sometimes I have to make compromises and I don't have too many issues with that. But in the bedroom, no compromises. Does that mean I won't experiment? Absolutely not. Does that mean that I don't want to please my partner? Absolutely not. Does that mean that if something sometimes turns me on sometimes, but not all the time that I'll feel obligated to do it because he wants it? Absolutely not. A few things to consider... Do you need this as much as you think you do or have you just gotten too used this that you are stuck in a pattern. Can you find out from her what else she would like to explore? And when things are little bit more balanced between the two of you, you might want to ask her why she started to feel bad. You may or may not get answers then, but I would suggest letting a little time pass and focussing on building back your relationship. - LA

ryninvegas1 -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/5/2010 4:13:55 PM)
Thank You both so far. This is enlightening.

brighton -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/5/2010 4:15:06 PM)
I used to be like your girlfriend - my husband has always been into this lifestyle, but it simply isn't me - naturally, & I used to feel like I was less attracted to him b/c I wanted a strong man, & I thought that by him being a sub he was weak...which isn't true at all. What took me some time to realize was exactly what LadyOddsworth said. Once I realized how much benefit I could get by using him, it became pretty easy to incorporate his D/s needs into our lifestyle. We had a lot of arguements about it as well - he used to top from the bottom & I had a lot of insecurity about doing everything perfectly. Once I became more confident & conceptualized all the potential available benefits - life got good!!! Now when I come home from work, our bed is made, the house is immaculate, dishes are done, even our bathroom is clean! THAT is what made it work for me. The second part of my spiel is compromising. He would LOVE to spend 24 hours a day in sub activities, but like I mentioned, it's not 'me...' so we compromised. It's part of our life & our love, but it's not the main ingredient. But the respect & admiration we have for eachother is. I hope this helps. I used to hate when he would say to come on this site, but it really did help. Maybe it will for you 2, too! Good luck!

brighton -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/5/2010 4:16:18 PM)
Just to be clear - I was in under the wrong name!!! I'm not really brighton - I'm MsLilly203...sorry for the confusion!

LadyPact -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/5/2010 4:50:15 PM)
I have to echo LadyA here. I will engage in kinks that My s type likes, but only if I like them, too. If they do nothing for Me or they turn Me off, I won't do them. I'm not a service top and the folks that I play with know that. I'm not engaging in any kinks just to please them. For example, I like humiliation play, but not by means of feminization. This is just a hunch, but she may be losing respect for you because of the way she is feeling about herself surrounding the activities. If that type of play is, in essence, being demanded less, the positive feelings will come back. Your preference for these activities may have to take a back seat for a while so she can work out why she feels bad about them or why they are turning her off. Are there other types of play that might be just as fun for you both? Does she have an interest that she might like to explore? Kink doesn't especially work if one of the people participating isn't really interested or turned on by it. Maybe something new is just the ticket.

PeonForHer -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/5/2010 4:50:49 PM)
In your position, ryninvegas, I think I'd pretty much insist that she become more selfish. At least one night per week where she gets to do everything her way - that might be a start. That way, she at least gets a regular break from the feeling of being moulded into a role that she might have come to feel is over-restrictive for her.

Politesub53 -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/5/2010 5:06:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ryninvegas1 Thank You both so far. This is enlightening. You need to ask yourself what is more important, your kink or your Lady. It should be the later in my book, but if you think the kink means more the you should move on. For myself, I cant think of any kink that would mean more to me than the woman I was with. Hopefully you can both reach a decent compromise on the issue. Good luck.

Reform -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/5/2010 6:20:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ryninvegas1 She says it makes her feel bad/gross and She said she is losing respect for me as she doesn't think sissy play is hot "at all" and honestly states that she just doesn't like it but will do it if i really want it only because i want it. I feel she is kinda dropping this on me FIVE YEARS into a LTR...what should i do? [/size][/font] Shouldn't you be glad she's telling you at all? There are various ways around this, and a few have already been mentioned. Talk to her about why you enjoy it and try to see if there is a way she can think about it in a different way. Compromise about how often it occurs. Or under the circumstances in which it occurs. She has, until now, been willing to compromise with her own feelings about it in order to do this for you. Perhaps you need to try to do the same.

DarkSteven -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/5/2010 7:33:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ryninvegas1 I feel she is kinda dropping this on me FIVE YEARS into a LTR...what should i do? Your attitude is completely understandable, but it won't get you anywhere. Yes , she should have brought it up before. But she's bringing it up now. She's telling you that she has a problem. It's now your joint responsibility to work out a solution. So she doesn't like this, and it's something you need. Is there a way that you can still get what you need, while not being something she's averse to? Can you give her what she likes? The good news is that some good communication and problem-solving could make your relationship stronger. The bad news is that this won't be easy for either of you.

MargueriteV -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/5/2010 9:58:33 PM)
I can understand being in a long term relationship and trying a kink out for a submissive, or doing something specifically for them, even if it didn't get me excited. I wouldn't do/continue doing something I hated. Best course of action in my opinion: Talking with her, letting her know what you are willing to do to move foward, and making sure you both understand each others wants/need.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/5/2010 11:18:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ryninvegas1 ...I have sensed that She isn't into it for its own sake but is doing it because i ask her.... She says it makes her feel bad/gross and She said she is losing respect for me as she doesn't think sissy play is hot "at all" and honestly states that she just doesn't like it but will do it if i really want it only because i want it. ... .... I feel she is kinda dropping this on me FIVE YEARS into a LTR... what should i do? Well, gee... [8\|] Maybe do what SHE wants, for the next FIVE YEARS?!

Santoro -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/6/2010 3:45:31 AM)
Wake–up, if the women is not into your needs, you cannot possible meet her need in a fulfilled manner. Stop chasing windmills. She is depriving you from knowing and feeling completeness, fulfillment and happiness, how could you possible imagine you would not miserably fail in your attempts to please?

PeonForHer -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/6/2010 4:24:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming quote: ORIGINAL: ryninvegas1 ...I have sensed that She isn't into it for its own sake but is doing it because i ask her.... She says it makes her feel bad/gross and She said she is losing respect for me as she doesn't think sissy play is hot "at all" and honestly states that she just doesn't like it but will do it if i really want it only because i want it. ... .... I feel she is kinda dropping this on me FIVE YEARS into a LTR... what should i do? Well, gee... [8\|] Maybe do what SHE wants, for the next FIVE YEARS?! Heh. [;)] But assuming he'd know where to start being that other-oriented, would she know how to be as self-centred as is required - and would she even want that? Still, by his practising being centred on her, and her practising being centred on herself - maybe they'd find a better balance of D/s in their relationship.

Sylverdawn -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/6/2010 8:06:44 AM)
This is more than a D/s problem... this is a RELATIONSHIP issue.. and so now is the time to sit down and have some conversations.. without expectation and without recriminations.. be open and honest .... lay it out there... find a kink friendly counsellor to act as a mediator... and then deal with the issues... now ...rather than leave for another five years... Tell her how you feel about her..how you feel about being her submissive.. how much she means to you..and tell her that she is more important than anything else.. and most of all LISTEN..and be open to hearing all that she is telling you... And, maybe you know.. if your in an LTR... with someone... having a profile saying your willing to relocate and looking for an experienced Dominant.. youknow might undermine her confidence in the relationship and in your commimitment to her as a person and not just someone you use to get off... just my humble opinion.. Good Luck.. Sd

CarrieO -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/6/2010 8:42:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ryninvegas1 I don't want to go into it into much detail, but i do like verbal humiliation and emasculation. I have been in a relationship with my partner for five years and we have scened progressively harder and harder having diven somewhat to the deep end of humiliation (verbal, emasculating remarks, sissy play, ass play, panties, etc.). My Mistress/Lover has now informed me that sometimes she feels 'bad' after humiliating me in all these ways and I have sensed that She isn't into it for its own sake but is doing it because i ask her. Addressing the bolded portion...She's topping you because it's something that gets you off. In the 5 years the two of you have been together, have you ever discussed why either of you chose to explore this type of dynamic/activity? Just having your post here to go by, it sounds one-sided....is it? What is she getting out of this situation other than a partner of 5 years? Not asking for detail, just more clarification. She says it makes her feel bad/gross and She said she is losing respect for me as she doesn't think sissy play is hot "at all" and honestly states that she just doesn't like it but will do it if i really want it only because i want it. Again, addressing the bolded portion, loss of respect is a huge problem for me within a relationship of any kind. I'm curious, though, in all this time...not once did she give you any subtle verbal or non-verbal cue/clue that she wasn't digging your need for verbal humiliation and emasculation? Not once did she withdraw just a bit in some way while topping you? Has this loss of respect shown itself outside of a scene in day-to-day living? What about you...do you still feel respect for her after her admission of not being turned on by your kink needs? Can you handle that when taking into consideration the 5 year relationship the two of you have? I feel she is kinda dropping this on me FIVE YEARS into a LTR...what should i do? I am overwhelmed with fear. Fear that She has lost respect for me or is about to and that she hasn't been happy in our scening/sex life for a long time when I thought it was blissful and awesome. See my comments above. Again...five years and you really had no clue she wasn't digging your kink? To be honest, this sounds less like a kink issue and more like a communication breakdown within your relationship. Maybe you need to focus on that...the communication...and let your verbal humiliation/sissy desires take a backseat. Unless they're too strong to do so in which case you need to let her know and give some serious thought to finding a relationship conunselor or consider accepting the two of you are moving in different directions. I appreciate honest answers from Dommes who have maybe felt the same things. quote: ORIGINAL: Sylverdawn And, maybe you know.. if your in an LTR... with someone... having a profile saying your willing to relocate and looking for an experienced Dominant.. youknow might undermine her confidence in the relationship and in your commimitment to her as a person and not just someone you use to get off... just my humble opinion.. Curiouser and curiouser....yeah, communication seems to be a HUGE problem if your partner is unaware of your search for an experienced Dominant that you would relocate for.

QueenRah -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/6/2010 8:42:59 AM)
OP, there's a thread (well, quite a few threads, actually) on which numerous Dominas treat on the idea of "Forced" feminization/humiliation, and why so many of us who respond don't get much, if anything, out of it. (Damnably frustrating, I can't find them - and there are a quite a few!) One of the main problems intrinsic in that type of scene style is the idea a lot of men seem to hold that to be "made" a woman, a man is "reduced" to that state; that, to be female, is inherently humiliating. Being female, most women don't much agree with that perspective. Not saying that's your mindset, but, if it is, perhaps that's one of reasons she's never enjoyed it. Also, I believe I echo a few other respondents when I tell you that your play of choice provides you with a lot of focus and not so much for her. There's a lot of attention and energy focused on your interest and not on hers. If you haven't already done so, asking her what she'd really like, as a scene or a practical service, would be a great step toward giving her a little fun. Best luck to you both! QR

kinkbox -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/6/2010 11:23:18 AM)
My partner and I both have portions of our interests that don't match up. So, while we do a lot of things together, we play with other people when it comes to the things we don't have in common. Maybe it's time to have the conversation about being allowed to sometimes play with other people?

AAkasha -> RE: Humiliation and Loss of Respect (2/6/2010 11:28:59 AM)
Are you honestly unable to read her enjoyment so well that for 5 solid years she faked it the entire time? Or did she enjoy it at one time, and then in the mounting resentment and anger that came out when you finally talked about it, she just said she never liked it? That's important to find out. It could be she stopped liking it at some point. You indicated things escalated. Perhaps at one time it was fun and playful - maybe she did like it, maybe it was fun and spicy and a nice change. But if it got more and more intense, I would ask if any of these things happened: 1) the vanilla sex declined or seemed like it was less-than. She probably got more of her emotional needs met in vanilla sex. When subs get "all about the kink," in bed, the lady often feels like a second class citizen. 2) adding to above, a woman can start to feel like he sexually desires the kink, not her. A woman at some point feels fully objectified. If you don't have a nice, healthy mix of totally vanilla love and affection - whatever "brand" she needs - she starts to feel like a prop. 3) the sub starts being so self indulgent and shameless "in scene" that he portrays a persona she finds revolting. Subs need to pay attention to how she reacts to his surrender. If it turns YOUR crank to be pathetic and groveling that's one thing - but how does SHE perceive this behavior? Of course she can lose respect - YOU must not lose self respect. Let the lady always dictate the depths and nature of your total degradation - not your urges. 4) escalation and growing intensity should ALWAYS be driven by the lady's comfort level, not the guys. If you were deluding yourself to think she was in charge yet YOU were the one dictating when and how the envelop would be pushed, you pushed your sexual relationship right out of the "fun" zone and into the "gross" zone. 5) shame on you for not investing more time in reading your partner and communicating with her deeply and emotionally after each and every "playtime" as well as going above and beyond to make sure she felt ok, felt adored and felt cherised in vanilla land. If you aren't paying attention enough to know she's "faking it" then how can we know you are a decent bottom anyway? It's like we find out your wife has been faking orgasms for FIVE YEARS yet you take no blame for not even having a hint that maybe she was not enjoying herself at all. Do you pay attention to her body's reactions? Akasha

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