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RiotGirl -> Confused (3/26/2006 4:09:30 PM)
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i am so seriously confused. i dont know how this happens or why it happens. i try not to let it happen, yet it happens anyways. i spoke to him about it too. He says it just keeps repeating and i need to realize. Yet i do realise. Yet i keep fighting it. One of these days i will give up and accept it or i will succeed. Neither of which i am sure i want. i belong to hiim and there is nothing i can do about it. i fight it. Yet he just swoops in, shows me that i am his and i'm left sitting here going wtf? How the hell does he do that! And even the other night, when i was raging mad and was "done" ready to call it quits, he got dressed and left. And even though i truely was done, just seeing him get dressed and leave sent my heart racing. Which of course i turned up the music in my ears to drown out my heart. To drown out my own physical reactions. i dont get whats going on here. Yet i do, but logically its like impossible. As i told him today, one can not literally belong to another. i can literally leave any time i want. i can literally say "i am not your submissive" i am not this i am not that.. i will not do a b or c. But i cant. i can do it for awhile.. until of course he comes in and tells me i cant. No matter how hard i fight it. And i'm not happy fighting it.. it just seems the right thing to do. Yet all it does is make things more miserable. You'd think i'd learn and just accept it. But i wont as it's logically impossible. i go through periods where i swear, i even buck up, and i'm ready to show him, i dont belong to you. Yet no matter. i dont FRICKEN GET IT. How the HELL. And here i am sitting with a collar around my neck again. And i know he's going to see my collarme profile which i changed and he will change it back. i've done alot of reading, searched out.. looked around trying to figure out.. whats going on. Thought it might be IE.. but it doesnt fit. But anyways.. so i've tried seperating myself. Making sure i am not dependent on him. Emotionally or sexually, or anything at all. And at this point i am not. i am fiancially, emotionally, sexually, independent. You name it.. i stand on my own two feet and do not need him. Yet he still swoops in and tucks me back under his will. And i go willingly. Thats i suppose what i dont get. How can i be so adamant, so sure, so damned w/e and he breaks my resistance and i willingly bow to his will. No matter how he breaks my resistance.. sweet, tough, strict, by leaving... i am always, always left willingly bowing to his will.
He tells me.. i lose my cool, get an attitude, fight with him and every time he comes back and shows me i belong to him. He says i havent the hair on my ass to leave him and of course i say "ha - i can do anything" Yet he's fricken right even with all my carefully thought out reasons. i DONT GET IT. i dont know how its possible. Its NOT logically possible. <sigh> its always been this way. i even throw up multitudes of wall.. anything.. everything.. and he quite easily breaks them down. Even in the begining, i'd be madder then hell at him, distance myself, step back, throw up walls.. and he'd swoop in show me i belong to him and then take off. ooooo used to piss me off something fierce.
Logically also i should just accept it. As not accepting it just makes things worse. God and i know he knows. And i also know he wont relent until i have given in. i know his will is stronger then mine, his patience greater then mine and i know he will wait. i should just stop fighting it and just give in. Why do i fight? Because there is just alot of things i refuse to accept. i have even come up with "well leaving isnt an option, so i will change him" Yet he doesnt change. i am not sure what to do.. fight.. accept.. fight.. accept.. Belong.. bs notion.. belong .. bs notion.
And its not that i dont love him.. or want to be with him.. i just can not accept certian things. And on top of that.. i just dont understand as logically its not possible.
And this is really a very personal struggle and it shows in almost everything i do. Its all over the boards.. my fighting it.. my not fighting it.. my fighting it.. my not fighting it. i'm so confused. i dont know how any of its possible. Its not. And i'm so unsure about how i feel about any of it either. Sometimes i am SURE.. i know exactly how i feel. Which is usually either.. i want to stay.... or i wnt to leave. And of course, even when i am SURE i want to leave.. i cant manage it. And i've run into a few ppl who understand which is awesome.. yet i still dont. i of course have met many more who agree its not possible and generally think i'm nuts. i mean really, how can i expect others to understand something that i cant?
and i prolly shouldnt post this. But i'm just so confused and frustrated. Sometimes his "letting me know" is as simple as laying down on top of me, not letting me push him away and hugging me. Its like a restraining hug and times i cant move a muscle of my body and he'll STAY like that until eventually my resistance breaks down. Oh and sometimes it just makes me angrier.. but he knows how to work around that as well.
absolutely sincerly confused wishing she could understand all of this
Kelly
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