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Leaders ! - 2/7/2010 9:50:25 PM

Termyn8or

Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
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Almost inadvertently I became a leader. I have done alright so far, but now am faced with a certain dilemma. It has to do with favors. This is not quite the same as a politician and a lobbyist.

It's way more than that. In three decades this person has pretty much saved my life, and in other cases stuck up for me even when I was wrong. Yes I have been wrong, especially a long time ago. But remember he supported me even though I was wrong.

Now I am in a position of power, and the best way I can describe it is that I sense he want the favor returned. Now I completely understand "One handa washesa de otha", and all that. It has been part of my life for a long time. But this dilemma is something new.

You see, to return the favor, to support this person whether in repayment or whatever, makes the situation unfair to another.

I have been doing well, paying my dues, and my bills, I am OK. But this is a bit of a problem. Just how much do I owe ? Justice and truth are first and foremost in my mind, and I strive to be fair. It can be trying at times and despite the knives coming out and everyhing else I have managed to get it under control. But that is a different situation. In this one, I am expected to lean my judgement towards one side, rather than be impartial ?

Now I know how politicians feel when those other suits walk in and tell them that they know all about the skeletons in the closet. Just where does my loyalty belong, with the truth, or a person who has done me very well in the past ?

Right now I tend to err on the side of impatiality. But that means I have failed to return a favor, something that was VERY important at the time.

Your views ?

T

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RE: Leaders ! - 2/7/2010 9:56:53 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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It is not pleasant..
But when in the position of a leader you lead to benefit the greater good. Sometimes you have to turn down friends or limit their influence if that is the way to serve the needs of the majority. AND sometimes, when doing things for the majority is not good for the group as a whole, you must make the call which will do less harm to the membership, or the ideology.

It is a tough call. I have lost friends, but gained more because I am a leader.

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RE: Leaders ! - 2/7/2010 11:10:50 PM

Termyn8or

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Joined: 11/12/2005
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Actually this whole plot is so thick it makes old pea soup look like ozone. The one seeking the favor is also ala savant, very smart, but with a cetain amount of childish mentality, which he actually cherishes. He always thinks he is right, often is, and sometimes not. But if you think you are wrong you are lying, so I don't have a big problem with that.

Perhaps it is the levels of the different favors. Perhaps it is his perception. Or perhaps it is mine. Am I bending over backwards for another ? I have been accused of that by him. I don't believe so. Me practicing reverse discrimination, are you kidding me ?

The thing is what he is asking for is favorable judgements from me, against my own blood in some cases and against another I have befriended who has had a wonderful prison education and it trying to get his life back on track. I find it very hard to kick this Man when he is down. We are currently working on getting his license back, and his ex boss has already said that he will be again driving a tow truck as soon as it is legal. MONEY. Right now it is winter here and all anyone can really do is shovel snow and pick cans up, neither of those will pay the bills.

I don't claim to be a great rehabilitator or anything, I am just providing the environment. This almost caused a bloodbath not too long ago, but I am used to it so, so what. Actually they both came out of that with a bit more respect for one another, which has gone a long way to foster cooperation etc.

Actually I might've figured it out, just ask. "OK, do you assert that I am being unfair, but that is in light of past favors ? If that is so, you asking me to be unfair to sonmeone else, is that what you want ? ". I would be very interested in the response.

This is new territory to me, it's not like owning a business and deciding who gets to work and who does not. It is not like a farm deciding who feeds the cows and who shovels the manure. It is more than that.

For now I err on the side of complete impartiality, even though that is technically an oxymoron.

T

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RE: Leaders ! - 2/8/2010 4:31:09 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Kicking someone else while he is down is not a favor to the one guy. Save the favor until it is something that will benefit him. Hurting someone else won't benefit him unless he also wants the job as tow truck driver.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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RE: Leaders ! - 2/8/2010 6:55:58 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
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the key is to try not to burn bridges.

which way burns less bridges?

sometimes you can take the matter to the 3rd person and let them take the heat- or at least see where and why you come up with the logic you did.

maybe- you could flip a coin on this one. ask one party for the coin- have the other one flip it.

heads for the party who furnished to coin- tails to the other.

...maybe give the losing party the coin is a runner up prize.

//

if you have to go with the guy that did for you- then get the other one aside in private and tell them your hands are tied- because you owe this guy. that you simply do not have a choice this time.

-leave option open for later tho. don't burn the bridges. maybe a 2 week 30 day trial period--the dude must walk the walk.

or maybe you can go with the guy who did for you for 3 months and plan to bring the other one in 3 months later in a rotation.

either way let both know this is not a decision that you want to make.

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RE: Leaders ! - 2/8/2010 7:41:29 AM

Termyn8or

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This is not a situation that calls for a coin toss Hunky. As far as burning bridges, call me Hogan's Heroes, I'll blow them SOBs sky high, but they keep rebuilding them.

Des, English is, to the surprise of many, is not my strong suit. The way I see it this friend of 30+ years is asking for preferential treatment in an oppositional situation with a friend of about 5 years or so. And my sister. No they're not going together.

I think it is coming clear that he wants to play the favor card. The case with the towtrucker, he wants to be stuck up for as far as I can see, even if he is wrong. And I admit that he has done exactly that for me. The problem is, we got this other guy who is really trying to get his shit back together. Judging him harshly or unfairly at this time is not something I want to do. The other issue is with my sister. She owns half this house actually and has decided to take up dual resudency moving into the upstairs suite. It hasn't rented and she wants basically a party spot. This is fine with me, I go back to only paying one set of bills and she can have a life with less risk of catching a DUI or other trouble. A few weeks ago they were like peas in a pod, but have had a bit of a falling out. Now he wants me to get her to either delay moving in or stop her. I can do this, but not legally. Doing so would cause strife in my blood family.

Enough for now, the creatures are stirring.

I'll be back, but all in all I think I will have to ask if this is specifically what he asks, so I will ask. (did I just envision a dog chasing it's tail here ?)

T

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