First timer - advice please

First timer - advice please (Full Version)

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Bradley60 -> First timer - advice please (2/8/2010 6:40:38 AM)
Hi everyone, I've been on the fringe of the femdom scene for about 3 years as a bull to a femdom couple. Been curious about the other side of the fence, all of the couple's activities take place in a seperate room so had very little interaction with the sub. or indeed with the domme in her role. I've been set up for my first date with a domme on Thurs, she has just had her 60th so is 20 years older than me and I'm apprehensive to say the least. Any tips? Flowers and chocs as per vanilla date? Dinner? Pretentious or regular eat? Smart or casual. Oh dear, I'm nervy again!!!!! Thanks in advance, Bradley

ourmsbetty -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/8/2010 7:01:05 AM)
Deep breath... Ok, you don't say if this is the same Domme you've been the bull for, but assuming not... Please tell me you've had the good sense to meet in person before deciding to play? No, that is not an absolute must but tends to be safer and it does a heck of a lot for you nerves to see her as a regular person before the session. At least for me, scenes tend to go better when we already have a connection in some way. Flowers and chocolate are not necessary but do make a point of asking her if she has special instructions for you before hand. Do eat beforehand, even if you are nervous, but a full or heavy meal may not be the best idea. Also, make sure to use the bathroom before hand. Nothing breaks the mood like a suddenly full bladder. Your scene will be unique to you and her. Ask her as many questions as come to mind. Find out what she would like to do beforehand, if anything, and what she expects of you before, during, and after the scene. Oh and don't expect her to read your mind. If you want or need something or perhaps more importantly don't want something make sure to say so plainly...before the session. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

ourmsbetty -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/8/2010 7:03:39 AM)
Oh... deep breath, or breaths...wonderful way to calm the nerves. Inhale through your nose for a count of three, hold the breath for a count of three, exhale through the mouth for a count of three. Do it too many times in a row and you may get a little dizzy, but usually it only takes 3 or 4 breaths to feel calm and centered.

Bradley60 -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/8/2010 7:09:07 AM)
OK, very sorry, I was incredibly vague. The domme is a friend of the domme that I have been bulling for, we had a great heart to heart on Xmas day and she said I really was holding back and should explore more and she had the perfect tutor in mind. She is 60 and unattached. I am taking her out for dinner, not playing, and it is really just a get to know you type date. I have spoken with her on the telephone and know where to pick her up but all the arrangements for dinner are mine, she just needs to know if she has to dress smart or casual given the venue. This is a bit like being 16 again - I want this date to go well but don't want to appear a showoff or a miser. Middle of the road - middle of the road!!!! Do I talk about BDSM? Do I not talk about it? Oh Dear!

Madame4a -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/8/2010 7:26:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Bradley60 This is a bit like being 16 again - I want this date to go well but don't want to appear a showoff or a miser. Middle of the road - middle of the road!!!! Do I talk about BDSM? Do I not talk about it? Oh Dear! What fun huh? I wouldn't try to 'appear' as anything other than you.. be open and honest.. and see first if she wishes to guide the conversation. I would suggest playing it by ear and not creating any expectations or plan for how things will go. I am going to guess, like most of us, its important that you approach her as a person first, a friend perhaps, and then worry about the SM part of things. Get to know her... ask questions, talk about yourself a bit and definitely ask her about things... if you get lost and run out of stuff.. compliment the jewelry (if its there) choice of restaurant.. (or is it coffee?) or did you make the choice... there are always things to talk about.. get her talking and you talk too. The idea is to get to know her.. and for me, getting to know someone really means way more than just in an SM sense. Also, if I'm with someone in this capacity, I find it extremely frustrating (and it will really put me off) if either I have to carry the whole conversation, have to ask or answer all the questions, or can't get a word in edgewise. Balance.. in all things.. give and take... but yes, at some point, since its the basis for meeting her... do talk about the SM part of things. good luck and do come back and let us know how it goes

ourmsbetty -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/8/2010 7:36:12 AM)
Believe it or not, this is going to be very easy. Ask your mutual friend about your date's preferences. If you want to be clever find a restaurant that serves her favorite type of cuisine but that she has not been to before. If you can't do that see about taking her to her favorite place. I would recommend a more causual setting. You will be more relaxed and a bit of background noise makes private conversation easier. Make it an independent, however, not a mass market chain. Let her lead the conversation. If she brings up BDSM go with it, if not leave it alone. I would still avoid flowers and chocolates, unless you know for sure she does not have allergies. Remember to be a gentleman, do hold doors, pull out her chair, help her with her coat, etc. Do have a reservation if possible. Bonus points, try to find a place near a park, trail, etc that way after dinner you can invite her for a walk. It's a wonderful way to end the evening with private conversation.

SthrnCom4t -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/8/2010 8:10:44 AM)
OP - this is going to be great fun. You've talked to her in person and over the phone, so your date is just a continuation of those conversations. Be yourself, and above all, be as open and honest as possible. She is probably going to expect you to have a lot of questions, and most of us with experience do love to share information with those that are new. To go any further in the future, you would want to have a sense of who she is as a person. This will allow you to be open and trusting, should you both choose to explore some of your edges. At that time, its important to have done your homework, to know she deserves that type of trust. Play it by ear and go with the flow. Leave your expectations in the car, as it sounds like at the very least you have made a new friend, and so you have already had a good day!

PeonForHer -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/8/2010 11:08:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ourmsbetty . . . . do make a point of asking her if she has special instructions for you before hand. In the past I've assumed I should leave out D/s-talk before meeting a domme (and during, unless she brings it up). But I think I would now slip that query in before meeting - lightly - so that it's a just a query, not a pressure on her . . . .

AAkasha -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/8/2010 11:20:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer quote: ORIGINAL: ourmsbetty . . . . do make a point of asking her if she has special instructions for you before hand. In the past I've assumed I should leave out D/s-talk before meeting a domme (and during, unless she brings it up). But I think I would now slip that query in before meeting - lightly - so that it's a just a query, not a pressure on her . . . . Ohh GOD....No no no no NO. Seriously, the "special instructions before we meet?" is a potential HAND GRENADE. There are so many ways that can be messed up and come across wrong, my suggestion is to never, ever, ever try that line. Always let the lady take the lead when it comes to "instructions." Granted, YES, there are methods to put this question out there without it seeming like you are asking for kinky orders OR need help on the basics of how to operate on a 'first date,' (both come across awfully), but the risks far outweigh the rewards for most men. YES, if you find that it will fit into a casual conversation and NOT sound like you are looking for fun instructions OR are dumping the predate pressure back into her lap by her DICTATING to you how to court, then YES you can ask it. But seriously, how many men can read a woman that well to be able to put this question out there without it seeming either pathetic or needy or kink-salivating? There is a time for questions like this; it is NOT the time when two people are getting together in date-like atmosphere where the guy is doing well by courting her like a vanilla woman (the way many of us prefer it, at the start, until chemistry is in place). If she LIKES to tell men what she expects, she will do so - when she feels the time is right. Akasha

PeonForHer -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/8/2010 11:26:41 AM)
OK, don't panic! I'll give it a miss unless she really makes it clear that she wants to give instructions. How's that?

ourmsbetty -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/8/2010 1:46:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha Ohh GOD....No no no no NO. Seriously, the "special instructions before we meet?" is a potential HAND GRENADE. There are so many ways that can be messed up and come across wrong, my suggestion is to never, ever, ever try that line. Always let the lady take the lead when it comes to "instructions." Granted, YES, there are methods to put this question out there without it seeming like you are asking for kinky orders OR need help on the basics of how to operate on a 'first date,' (both come across awfully), but the risks far outweigh the rewards for most men. YES, if you find that it will fit into a casual conversation and NOT sound like you are looking for fun instructions OR are dumping the predate pressure back into her lap by her DICTATING to you how to court, then YES you can ask it. But seriously, how many men can read a woman that well to be able to put this question out there without it seeming either pathetic or needy or kink-salivating? There is a time for questions like this; it is NOT the time when two people are getting together in date-like atmosphere where the guy is doing well by courting her like a vanilla woman (the way many of us prefer it, at the start, until chemistry is in place). If she LIKES to tell men what she expects, she will do so - when she feels the time is right. Akasha Really? Once we've gotten to the point where I'm certain play was going to happen (as I thought was the case here before the OP clarified) I've never minded the question. In fact I tend to appreciate that he asked, even if I don't have any.

Domin8tingUrDrmz -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/9/2010 3:41:40 AM)
I usually tell the submissive I'm about to meet to have a latte ready for my arrival and a flower on the table so that I can easily find them. I always offer to repay for the latte; how they respond to my offer says quite a bit about them in my opinion. This saves them the jitters of having to ask me if I have any preferred instructions, as I clearly do.

PeonForHer -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/9/2010 4:36:40 AM)
Seriously - have any of them accepted the money for the latte? Oh gawd, you're going to say 'Yes', aren't you?

Madame4a -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/9/2010 5:58:09 AM)
I prefer not to give any instructions.. and will admit its not appropriate for me. I think it establishes a kind of relationship that I wouldn't want right away. I'm not giving instructions to someone I don't have a D/s connection to/with right away.

RedMagic1 -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/9/2010 6:12:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Madame4a I prefer not to give any instructions.. and will admit its not appropriate for me. I think it establishes a kind of relationship that I wouldn't want right away. I'm not giving instructions to someone I don't have a D/s connection to/with right away. Damn, I've missed you, Leather Queen of Common Sense.

PeonForHer -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/9/2010 6:19:28 AM)
Right, right - I recognise a consensus when it's there. No request for instructions unless the D/s vibe's already established to some degree.

Bradley60 -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/9/2010 6:23:23 AM)
Thanks for all the advice. The date has been brought forward by the good lady, it is tomorrow. I've booked a table at her fav restaurant and will take her fav perfume, gift wrapped of course. I think I am being set up a bit by the domme I bull with, she was crying with laughter on the phone when she told me to take a toothbrush and a first aid kit!! Let you know how it goes and once again - many thanks.

Madame4a -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/9/2010 6:29:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: Madame4a I prefer not to give any instructions.. and will admit its not appropriate for me. I think it establishes a kind of relationship that I wouldn't want right away. I'm not giving instructions to someone I don't have a D/s connection to/with right away. Damn, I've missed you, Leather Queen of Common Sense. Gosh I love you flatterer and Leather King of Good Taste!

Domin8tingUrDrmz -> RE: First timer - advice please (2/9/2010 6:36:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PeonForHer Seriously - have any of them accepted the money for the latte? Oh gawd, you're going to say 'Yes', aren't you? Sadly, a few have. [:-] Though, most have not.

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