FourQ
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Well, the WD40 worked: the squeak is totally gone.
But now my daughter's guinea pig just lies there lifeless.
I was driving around the other day and started feeling really horny. So I decided to swing by this well known dogging spot that was close by. There were a few other cars there so I pulled up and joined in.
I had a great time, but I think I failed my driving test.
My wife promised she'd let me cum in her mouth, but she turned her head at the last second.
Boy did I give her an earful.
In the last quarter of last year British Airways lost 156 million.
I don't know if that's in pounds, dollars or suitcases.
I rolled a watermelon down the supermarket aisle knocking over my cheating ex, my unruly daughter, my wife and my mother-in-law.
Take note America... THAT'S a Super Bowl.
Over 4000 chavs die each year from tesco cheap booze. Every little helps!
An Irishman wins the lottery and goes to claim his winnings.
Congratulating him, they tell him they will have to pay him the millions in 3 weekly installments.
With that the Irishman replies, "If you're gonna fuck me about, I'll have me quid back."
"I'm John Terry, and sneaking out of windows was my idea."
Out of the 50 of the US states, 23 have a place named 'Lebanon' (two of those states have two each!) ...and they wonder why the rag heads target the fucking place!
I just saw that the DFS double savings ends on Sunday!
Which will then lead to triple savings on Monday, no doubt.
My girlfriend was giving me valentines ideas: "I want something that's round, will make us both happy and will make the rest of your life perfect. I'd really like something that lasts. Flowers don't last... but diamonds do."
I got her some plastic flowers and a noose!
My mate told me there was a half-price sale on at JJB Sports.
Result!! Not only did I get some fantastic bargains, but now I've something to wear for that posh dinner party in Liverpool next weekend.
Being an insomniac I've not slept for weeks.
I can't wait for the superbowl.
The wife said we should spice up the old love life.
She got the shock of her life when I pepper sprayed her cunt!
Avatar... Pocahontas meets the Smurfs
I was thinking about what I should get my wife for Valentines day, I decided on a nice watch at £250. Ultimately I decided to get her some flowers. What's the point on her having a watch when there's a clock on the oven?
A blonde and a brunette are talking in the office...
Blonde: I'm not feeling very well... I have a sore throat.
Brunette: When I have a sore throat, I give my husband a blow job... the next day, my throat is fine.
Blonde: Hmmm... interesting.
The next day...
Brunette: How's your throat?
Blonde: Fine... your idea was great! Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea!
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged.
There are three main tragedies in a man's world:
1) Life sucks.
2) Job sucks.
3) Wife doesn't.
The wife gave me a nice long blow job for Christmas yesterday.
I didn't have the heart to tell her that her sister had got me the same.
The next time your sub refuses to give you a blowjob, just remind her that it's a lot easier for them to drink a spoonful of milk than it is for you to lick a dead fish!!
An elderly farmer decides he's had enough of milking his cows by hand so he decides to invest some money in an electronic, industrial milking machine. After a couple of days his new 'state of the art' device arrives. He waits around until his wife is out for the day and decides to test the machine on himself. Once its installed he pops his pecker into the 'udder sucker' and switches the machine on. After having the best orgasm of his life old boy decides he better switch the machine off and get his pants back on, it's then he realises he's stuck in the machine. After trying everything he could think to release himself he decides to call the customer service helpline. "Hello," he says, "I've recently purchased a milking machine from your good selves. It works just fine, but i was wondering how you remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry sir, this is state of the art technology." Replies the salesman, "The device will release automatically once it's collected 2 gallons."
Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Women don't get blow jobs when they are driving.
Bloody women and their stupid multi-tasking...
Now my girlfriend puts toothpaste on my dick whenever she gives me a blowjob.
Most men are in favour of the Muslim full face veil.
It solves the problem of where to wipe your dick after a blow job
"If you really loved me you'd go down on one knee."
"If you really loved me you'd go down on both!"
Why do hippos have sex underwater?
Have YOU ever tried keeping a half stone clitoris wet?
What's worse than pulling out and seeing a limp condom hanging off your prick?
Seeing one hanging there when you hadn't put one on!
A desperate man calls 999, "Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!"
After five minutes, the he calls back, "It's okay, I found another one."
Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better
Tesco Condoms - every little helps
Nike Condoms - Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life.
Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.
KFC Condoms - Finger licking good.
Malteser Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.
Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.
Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.
Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop
Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper
Goodyear condoms - "for a longer ride go wide"
FCUK condoms - (no comment required).
Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.
Flash condoms - Just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hardwork.
Halford condoms - we go the extra mile.
On digital condoms - plug and play!!!!
Royal mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.
Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long
Renault condoms - size really does matter!
Ronseal condoms - does exactly what is says on the tin
Ronseal quick-drying condoms - its dry and waterproof in about 30 mins
Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!
Heinekin condoms - reaches parts that other condoms just cannot reach
Carlsberg condoms - probably the best condom in the world
AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service
Pepperami Condoms - it's a bit of an animal
Polo condoms - the condom with the hole!!!
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Only a biker TRULY understands why a dog sticks its head out of a car window!
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