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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/10/2010 4:59:07 AM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode
She decided she was not interested in you, and just made up that story.


Worse yet, she's a dog and you'd find out anyway if/when you ever met in R/L anyway.






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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/10/2010 5:24:51 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		How can she click with someone online? It's easy. Just as easy as sitting in chairs and talking for hours over coffee. The conversation with him flows effortlessly. It's not that she doesn't think you're a great guy because she obviously does. The chemistry with him now is better.

She may meet him and discover they don't have any chemistry in real life, but that's no different than meeting someone at a party, spending all night enthralled with him, talking to him on the phone, and then a few weeks later discovering it didn't last past the initial stage.

It isn't a contest between online and r/l. It's who fits better. And even if she doesn't last with him, that doesn't mean she'll agree to be with you. If I were her, I would continue to seek someone with whom I had that incredible connection, but the next time with someone it could last with.

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/10/2010 5:49:22 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Ah but you see, you're focussing on the side issue - online vs. real time. That isn't important, not at all.

You see whichever way you look at it, whether it is online or real time, you're still dealing with a real live human being at the other end. And this is the only thing what really matters when all is said and done - who is on the other end.

I understand your situation and feelings, it's tough seeing something with so much potential crumble into nothing. Even when you manage to get on top of the feelings of being rejected there's still that nagging doubt of 'what if?' which draws you back into the emotional turmoil.

It could be that she's just not that into you, but it also could be that it stood a chance but she wasn't ready to face up to the reality of another real time relationship, and so she's playing the avoidance game by opting for the online dom as a way of not facing up to her own issues. There's quite a few people out there playing that game. I know, I've been one of them. While it's online she's safe, and nothing is ever going to change until she turns off the computer and gets out there.

Thing is, there's not much you can do here. It's her issue, she owns it and it won't change until she decides to do something about it. And hard as it may seem for you, you've just got to accept things the way they stand today and move on.


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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/10/2010 6:13:16 AM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline 		I don't see this as an online versus real life thing. They have plans to meet in real life. I hate to say this but it just sounds like she's more interested in a guy who is not geographically close to her than one who is close by. Simple as that.

I can sorta relate. I was involved with a submissive woman for a few months about 4 years ago. She lived about 15 minutes from me. It was a casual thing and we got along pretty well. She abruptly ended our liaison. About a month later she emailed me wanting to get back together. I might have but I had met someone else online who lives 200 miles from me but seemed like a much better connection even without having met. We had plans to meet a few weeks later. I declined the offer of the local woman 15 minutes away who was an okay match for the potential of the really great match 200 miles away. I'm still seeing her and we still live 200 miles apart and life is good. I made the right choice.






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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/10/2010 6:48:20 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I have to agree that it isn't especially an issue of online rather than real time.  From the sound of it, they do have plans to meet.  The physical meeting just hasn't happened yet.

It really does just seem more the case that she has made a better mental connection with the other person and she feels that more strongly than she does the connection that is with you.  Physical location doesn't necessarily trump all other considerations when choosing partners.  If it did, everyone out there would just date their closest single next door neighbor and settle for whatever level of compatibility that provided, even if it wasn't as good as what they had with someone who was a little further away.


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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/10/2010 7:58:31 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I guess then the follow up to that would be: how do you decide that you're more compatible with someone you haven't really met? I think that's where I'm stuck.


You know, OP, I don't get why you don't get this. Honestly. We often talk about our most important sexual organ is our brain. We talk about chemistry, about being able to be open with someone, about feeling like we've known each other forever, we talked for hours, etc. And then you wonder how people feel more compatible with someone they've not met yet? The brain is engaged!

I will answer from my personal stand point... How did I know I was more compatible with someone I hadn't yet met? I didn't KNOW, but I had a pretty good suspicion. I'm pretty self-aware, and I can analyze my own reactions really well. I knew that conversation flowed easily, we had good rhythm with it (quite an issue for me because my mind spins very quickly and to have someone keep up with me and to even challenge me - WHOA!), we had similar senses of humors, we were able to talk and disagree without any real conflict. I felt safe speaking my mind - because he made me feel safe by how he listened to me, interacted with me, and disagreed with me. We had things in common that most people can't talk to me about which are really important in my expression of who I am(certain things about travel, politics, cultural dynamics within the context of relocating to a new country, etc)

I absolutely knew that this (whatever it was) was something pretty darned special. Did I know it was going to be flowers and romance and such? No, but I had a pretty good suspicion and was willing to recognize the absolute rarity of what I was experiencing. And I was smart enough to give it room to breathe and to grow. And then upon meeting... well... it went from one dimension to the next. If I had not given it that room to breathe and grow and had put my focus elsewhere, I would have 1. disrespected a gift from the universe, 2. chosen not to trust my instincts, and 3. been thinking with my girly bits instead of my heart and head.

I was willing to take the chance on love because even if that didn't happen, I was about to have a fantastic friend! And that trumps lukewarm interest any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Best,
sunshine





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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/10/2010 8:03:59 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		fast reply

I met a couple of local doms when I was first chatting with my Daddy, one of them wanted to see me more, and while he wasn't repulsive and he was pleasant enough... it was nothing like chatting with Daddy...

It took 4 months to go from the phone and online to real life... he is still in my life four years later....

Forget her and move on, and if she comes back date her like a friend until she makes the moves...just my opinion


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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/10/2010 8:59:32 AM   
MissBeautiful2U


Posts: 98
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline 		To try to answer your question, perhaps she feels a stronger connection and hope with what the guy online says.  Hopefully he will be what he says he is... and a month is not that long of a period of time in the grand scheme of things.  It sounds like she might have been trying to spare your feelings some, but I think that her being "gentle" probably left you thinking she was more into you than she really was.

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/11/2010 3:27:24 PM   
Falkenstein


Posts: 187
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: trealeon

UniqueRaven,

I think we just may be wired differently and that is why I don't get it. For me, I don't feel I've really met or really know a person until I meet them face to face.

Online you can say anything, craft your messages perfectly in a way that you know will be telling the other person what they want to hear. You can do, say, and be anybody or anything. So for me, the face to face is necessary to meet the real personality.

But I guess this mindset doesn't apply to everyone.

I appreciate your insight though.


Is face to face the "real personality".

I doubt it very much. It is the physical person, not personality, and appearance can blind us even better than the best crafted messages.


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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/11/2010 3:35:21 PM   
HisSweetElysium


Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline 		I had to deal with this myself when I found my Master. I had kept my options open, looking for the one who would really make me want to give up the rest.  Letting ppl down really isn't easy for me, and I didn't handle it as well as I could have in some situations.  I just felt bad saying "He's better looking than you, smarter than you, and even though I like you, you don't make me feel that way."  In your case, she was actually more direct than I was.  

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/11/2010 3:35:41 PM   
Falkenstein


Posts: 187
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Whatever her "reasons"  quit whining, man up and move on.  For all you know she is dumping you for a monkey.  She really really doesn't like you period end of story.    Yes yes its that simple sheesh. 

BadOne



I cannot imagine you in any harbor bar for more than one hour before thy throw you out. A guy got a bad one, tells about it, vent it,
Do you really have to call it "whining"?

Probably yes, and I am sorry for you

Henry


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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/11/2010 6:20:58 PM   
masterlink65


Posts: 683
Joined: 11/3/2007
Status: offline 		happens all the time. there is a security in an online relation you cannot have with realtime. the securtity of ending it without a situation, maybe, perhaps, i dont really know. all i know is it happens all the time. i get it alot. i have the ideal situation for a slave, so they say. we are perfect match , so they say. then 3 days later you dont hear from them again. or, they come up with some BS like you just got told. you got brushed off pal. chose and online relation over a realtime. this person wasnt real to begin with. not too hard to figure out.

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/11/2010 7:56:23 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I have the impression that your post wasn't so much about this particular woman, as much as the idea in general that someone would make a commitment to a person they've never met.

I know a lot of people have met partners starting out at a distance, just interacting via the computer and phone. Personally, I can't imagine that working for me, and automatically ruled out anyone who lived more than a couple of hours away. Since I'm in a very kink-friendly area, I had lots of options, corresponded with quite a few people, and met more than a dozen before my Master and I got together.

I'm pretty pheremone-driven when it comes to attraction. Until I'm actually *doing* things (at least a little hairpulling and biting), and know he's turned on, and am reacting to that, I just don't think of *anyone* sexually. I actively avoided discussing much about kink and D/s until I met the person, back when I was looking. If they wanted to talk about it right away, I figured they were just trying to figure out how to segue into cybersex.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 2/11/2010 7:58:35 PM >

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/11/2010 8:19:07 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Fast reply- not time to read the thread right now:

1.) If she's focused on someone else, why on earth would you want to continue with her anyway?

Face it: She's just not that into you.

2.) Its only a month. If she's so great what's wrong with waiting until after that, and then if she finds out they don't mesh in person, maybe you can take another chance on her? There's nothing wrong with her wanting to be authentic, and if she's focused on him right now, a month goes by fast.

3.) Don't act all needy and desperate: that's a huge turnoff. Bide your time. Relaxed confidence is very attractive. (Not arrogance though- know the difference.) Be busy living your life, and if she wants to come back and begin again with you, only you can decide whether you even want her anymore at that point. To me, one of the most attractive qualities a potential partner can have it being crazy about me. You thought she was, but it turned out she's crazy about her idea of what this other guy is going to be like, in person. 

4.) Insist on a reciprocal relationship. One in which you get as much as you give.

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/11/2010 8:48:30 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Falkenstein

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Whatever her "reasons"  quit whining, man up and move on.  For all you know she is dumping you for a monkey.  She really really doesn't like you period end of story.    Yes yes its that simple sheesh. 

BadOne



I cannot imagine you in any harbor bar for more than one hour before thy throw you out. A guy got a bad one, tells about it, vent it,
Do you really have to call it "whining"?

Probably yes, and I am sorry for you

Henry



henry,

Give me a complete freaking break... He met her what  once maybe twice??? and she says no im not interested and he doesn't get it.  I would have some empathy for him were they in a year long relationship or something.  But to whine about a girl you just met sounds well pathetic.

Believe it or not some ppl actually like my breath of fresh air tell it like it is straightforwardness <i do in fact get emails on that very subject>

Motown BadOne




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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/11/2010 8:58:55 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline

*adores SailingBum*

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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/11/2010 9:05:39 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming



*adores SailingBum*


Thank you babeeeeeee... Ill pay ya later  smirkle


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RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/12/2010 8:55:16 AM   
specialk2611


Posts: 36
Joined: 12/13/2009
Status: offline 		To the OP, I think your initial reaction and direction of your thoughts is pretty much spot on, from the limited information you provided.  I'd say it's most likely that the online/distance/fantasy is of course more mentally stimulating and exciting!  Maybe that's all she wants.

That would be my view point, if she meets the online Dom and takes it to real life, then obviously that would change to she just liked him better, and must really like him for her to pursue that dynamic and patience and risk of transition etc....

Move on, point is she doesn't like you in that way, regardless.

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/13/2010 2:40:10 PM   
Falkenstein


Posts: 187
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		Sailing Bum,

you definitely have a fan club, my kudo.

There is a difference between being frank and being brutish, but this is a question of appreciation.

A man can meet a woman once, even for a few minutes, and be very, very, sad afterwards. You know, "love at first sight" etc.Well maybe you do not know, at least not firsthand.

BTW, what kind of knots are you using for your fenders? The one in your back is rather unusual.




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Henry,

Part of that power which still
Produceth good, whilst ever scheming ill.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Choosing Online over Real Life? - 2/15/2010 7:37:31 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Falkenstein

Sailing Bum,

you definitely have a fan club, my kudo.

There is a difference between being frank and being brutish, but this is a question of appreciation.

A man can meet a woman once, even for a few minutes, and be very, very, sad afterwards. You know, "love at first sight" etc.Well maybe you do not know, at least not firsthand.

BTW, what kind of knots are you using for your fenders? The one in your back is rather unusual.



Not sure what kinda knot that is.  That is some sort of stop knot for the boom vang.  It's been awhile since Ive been on that boat  Hell Im not even sure whos boat that is lol. 

BadOne


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The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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Profile   Post #: 40
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