Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by

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winterlight -> Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 3:38:36 PM)
going into chat rooms, talking to people online, learned that way BUT has never had a mentor, been to a munch or a dungeon? What are your thoughts? Is the fact the Dom learned on His own enough to make you comfortable? Have you ever had a Dom that learned in such a way? What are the pitfalls if you have? I was taught by a Dom that if someone presents themself as being a good Dom but has never learned from anybody to run! To me that is like picking up a gun and shooting it without any instruction.. but that is me...

DarkSteven -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 3:48:37 PM)
The first plus is that he's been open and honest with you. So what are his/your plans? Is it to start slow and learn from others in clubs? Or does he consider himself to be experienced and have no need to learn?

dreamerdreaming -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 3:50:05 PM)
There are some things that can only be learned in person. But he's gotta start somewhere. If you're okay with him making all his beginning mistakes with you, then go for it.

UniqueRaven -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 3:51:07 PM)
Yes, i would have. i don't think that the only way to learn something is "face-to-face." However at this stage of my life i wouldn't have wanted to met someone "brand new" - i would have wanted him to have some hands on experience with other submissive women. The pitfalls are if he has zero experience at all - he might not really understand what it means to own a woman as property. But i have found that the best Owners for my type are "wired" as Owners from the get-go, and what they have to learn is more technique than mindset.

juliaoceania -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 3:52:04 PM)
I would meet someone that had never done this before in real time. I do not go to chatrooms per se, but I would meet someone that contacted me on the other side. I prefer people that do not take this all so seriously that they would seek some sort of "mentorship" to become a "dom". Your opinion may differ, but that is where I stand on things. Who someone is as far as their sense of humor, their intellect, their curiosity about life, far more important than joining dungeons and finding mentors.. Both dominant men I have been with experimented on other people before they involved themselves with me, but that is the way the cookie crumbles. I would have rejected neither of them if circumstances were different.

winterlight -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 4:05:54 PM)
My understanding is that he has had two subs. But i do not know if there is anything fishy yet... true you can learn off the net but to me is it safe? I have no idea if he plans on going to clubs. He doesn't seem interested in going to a munch or dungeon. I always looked at it this way, yes you can learn from reading but it isn't the same in real life and would prefer to know somebody in the BDSM community that others know. One that has a good reputation and vice versa.. I am just not sure about this side of the coin so to speak..

juliaoceania -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 4:12:13 PM)
Trust your intuition about the person. Give time to the rest. If you are into edgy stuff or he wants to do edgy stuff, then you need to negotiate how that happens with you. You have every right to insure your safety. If that means you play in public where others can monitor the situation, perhaps that is what you need. If he needs to go to workshops to learn about what it is you both desire, well that is possible too... Since I do not know if you are into some edgy stuff that exceeds some spankypoos, well, I do not know how to answer your question. I would be quit satisfied with light SM while he brushed up on other things we might want to try down the road, but I would prefer light play for all new relationships, because while they may be experienced with other people, they haven't experienced me yet... just my opinion

UniqueRaven -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 4:14:04 PM)
The one relationship i had where we were both new and had learned off of the 'net, had one downfall: we both did not know what worked for us, and what was realistic to expect from each other. i think we both had an idealized view because the 'net tends to be heavy on the fantasy and not enough on the reality. However i blame this really less on the 'net and more that we were both new, together, at the same time. But it was a good relationship, in that we both learned, and grew, and figured out what we want and need as individuals from a D/s based relationship. i went into the Owner/property dynamic much more heavily, and he wound up as more of a casual player. Some people connect with the BDSM community, some don't. Some enjoy clubs, parties, and munches, others don't, just like some people enjoy going out to nightclubs and dance parties, and others enjoy sitting at home reading a good book. It doesn't make them more or less "real" than anyone else, just different styles and interests. What's important is is that Dom right for you, are your personalities and needs compatible, and so on. And if it's important to you to be part of the community and attend such events, then by all means search out someone who shares those interests. But i don't see it as a red flag if a Dom hasn't been part of the lifestyle scene - it just means he's a different person who enjoys different things. If he's dangerous, you'll find out, whether he's part of the community or not. p.s. - some of the most (what i consider) dangerous Doms i've ever met have been an active part of the community. i don't see it necessarily as a seal of approval just because he was mentored. Just my experience - yours may vary, of course.

DesFIP -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 4:22:28 PM)
It depends. I'd rather he read some nonfiction books to have a better grounding in reality, safety etc. Chat rooms are not imo a source of fact. But if he was honest with me, said he was interested in exploring it in reality, why not? No different then any noob trying it for the first time. As long as he was willing to learn, didn't assume he knew it all, and was a person I liked and respected I would go for it. Because how to hold a flogger can be learned. Honesty, integrity, ethics and morality are usually already set in one's character by the time they are fully adult and those are more important then the technical skills.

AquaticSub -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 4:25:58 PM)
Meet him? Sure, I'm always open to making new friends. Bottom for him? Quite possibly. I offer myself up as a teaching bottom without much worry. Just depends on if he'll listen to me or not. Submit to him? Depends on his personality and how well we click. Valyraen knew jack-squat about BDSM when we got together so a guy who had read a lot of books would have more info - provided it wasn't all erotic "I'm gonna rape ya till ya love me!" stories.

AquaticSub -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 4:30:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: winterlight true you can learn off the net but to me is it safe? I have no idea if he plans on going to clubs. He doesn't seem interested in going to a munch or dungeon. I always looked at it this way, yes you can learn from reading but it isn't the same in real life and would prefer to know somebody in the BDSM community that others know. One that has a good reputation and vice versa.. I am just not sure about this side of the coin so to speak.. Define safe. What are activities is he looking to do? If he wants to do suspension without having been taught, I would be concerned too. Valyaren and I are in agreement that there are certain things he shouldn't do with me until he is taught how to do them. Needleplay, fireplay, suspension, etc. But flogging, paddling, spanking, violet wand, humilation, mind fucks, that sort of thing? I don't think that has to be taught by another dominant. I think it helps and it helps a great deal but not every dominant who is new is going to be comfortable stepping into a munch or party and asking for lessons. Val wasn't at first so we worked around it because I knew he was worth it. I think what really matters for the "basics" is how well-read he is in the non-fiction books so that he knows the risks and how willing he is to listen to the responses of "Good ow" vs. "Bad ow".

VampiresLair -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 4:31:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: winterlight going into chat rooms, talking to people online, learned that way BUT has never had a mentor, been to a munch or a dungeon? Damn straight I would. My mentor learned everything she knew from chat rooms, online connections and real life relationships. She didnt attend munchs or dungeons until we met in college, when she was well into her 5th year of being an active dominant. quote: What are your thoughts? Is the fact the Dom learned on His own enough to make you comfortable? Have you ever had a Dom that learned in such a way? What are the pitfalls if you have? The thing would be more if someone learned on their own, but has actually used what they know, or if it is all purely conjecture and they have never actually tried any of it. My mentor learned online and then went out and met up with people from the chat rooms she had been part of, had relationships with them and learned hands on as well. I hae known male and female dominants who have "learned all they need to know" online from books and chats, however they have never actually been with a submissive and so they dont know anything about the actual interpersonal interaction end of the dynamics.

Missokyst -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 4:33:15 PM)
If that was the case I should be dead. I started out doing this with someone who had no experience. We just did things naturally. No classes, no mentors, no books, nada. But a LOT of years of fun and frolick. Bad me! bad! I should have known better.

littleone35 -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 4:34:13 PM)
If i was not owned, meet him sure why not. Play with hin well that is a different question all together. I don't think i would i don't want to be a "crash test dummy" for somone who only knows aomething from books or chatrooms. When it comes to RL things are different and no amount of reading or chatting can teach him what he needs to know. Matt's littleone

OsideGirl -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 5:24:13 PM)
For the deciding factor would be on how he puts himself forward. About 10 years ago, I learned how to make cold process soap. I read an instructional book on the subject and hung out on some soapmaking forums until I was reasonably sure that I could make my first real life batch of soap without burning my skin off and blinding myself. Regardless of how much knowledge I gained before I made that first batch of soap, I wasn't a soapmaker until I actually had made it. I was someone that had an idea of how soapmaking was supposed to work. During those first few months of soapmaking I went through some batches that didn't work. Sometimes the chemical reaction didn't happen correctly because of some tiny misstep on my part. Sometimes things sounded great in theory and sucked in real life. (Rose Hips in soap). Then there were the batches that became soap, just not great soap. When it came to figuring out what happened, it wasn't some person that hung out on the internet never actually making soap that provided the answers. It was the people that actually made soap in real life. The moral of the story here? The internet can sometimes provide good information, but it doesn't provide or replace real life experience.

krazykatelyn -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 5:26:29 PM)
I think that people would/should be with someone because they find themselves compatible and both people are happy and getting something out of the relationship...not because of how many toys they have in their dungeon

igor2003 -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 5:41:54 PM)
As has already been said, everyone has to start somewhere. That part, in and of itself doesn't bother me much. Before I put myself into someones hands, however, I do want to have some fairly extensive conversations with them, not only about kink, but abot every day life as well. I want to see if they are a "know it all" or if they are willing to ask questions and take advice from people with more experience. But most of all I want to know if they have COMMON SENSE. I don't care how much experience they have. I don't care how many books they've read or how many people they have talked to. If they don't have common sense and the ability to think under pressure then I know that person is not for me.

winterlight -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 5:54:43 PM)
I have had one Dom not from Cm tell me don't get with somebody that hasn't had a mentor or had some training.. That is why i wondered what others had done.

juliaoceania -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 6:00:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: winterlight I have had one Dom not from Cm tell me don't get with somebody that hasn't had a mentor or had some training.. That is why i wondered what others had done. That person sounds like a self appointed know-it-all who probably has little experience himself... I could be wrong, but most of those touting that people can't be kinky without someone else telling them how every step of the way are usually not what they purport themselves to be....

DesFIP -> RE: Would you ever meet a Dom that learned everything he knows by (2/13/2010 6:02:04 PM)
OP, I know I've shared this before but again. I'm The Man's first sub. He had some experience as a bondage top but none as a dominant. So what? The fact that when we were young there was no net to find out we weren't the only people who wanted this played into this. We both married vanillas and wound up divorcing partly for other things and partly because of the power exchange stuff. His ex thinks he's a control freak because she doesn't like being told what to do. My ex used to put me down for not being decisive enough because he doesn't like always being the one in charge. So we have grown a power relationship together. Both new to the world of power relationships. And we're going on 8 years so obviously it must be working. And neither of us have ever been to a munch or a dungeon or had a mentor. And no I didn't get references from his exes, I can't imagine his ex wife response if I had contacted her but it wouldn't be printable. It was more important to me that he be able to sustain a long term relationship then that he was the best flogger around and had lines of bottoms to attest to that. People with dozens of references are people who play, not people who sustain long term monogamous relationships. And that's more important to me any day.

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