RE: The Scene? My first community experience

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Rasputinx2000 -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/14/2010 4:47:57 PM)
Hi, I've found that BDSM groups are, pehaps understandably, a bit aloof. However, if you attend a few times, you'll find people more friendly. It may be that they view you as vanilla. I suggest you go several times before pronouncing it bad.

DomImus -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/14/2010 5:00:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium Anyway, other people who have had experiences like this, I'd love to hear about it, even if it's just to say I'm projecting, LOL! I've experienced a bit of that as well here in the Atlanta area but I think it's fairly widespread from what I have read. The smaller local groups in various parts of town tend not to be this way. The larger groups that meet at the bigger popular dungeon in town seem to have a fair amount of what you describe. The only time I enjoy going there is if I run into folks from the smaller local group I am familiar with.

HisSweetElysium -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/14/2010 5:28:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom who meeeeeeeeee? innocent look that some how doesn't look quite right Yes you!! And mine never look quite right either [;)] quote: ORIGINAL: crazyml I've had similar, early experiences with some events, but the coolness tends to wear off after a couple of visits - although, the last couple of times I've gone to a new munch I've been invited by one of the regulars, and that definitely made things easier. I think maybe part of the problem was starting with an 800+ person once a year event. Not really a "social mixer" atmosphere, and there were a lot of people who just emitted this vibe of defensiveness, which was not at all what I expected. quote: On this point, I think that if I were trying to organise an event and a complete stranger offered to help - I'd initially say more or less the same thing, since I don't know how committed/reliable/safe you are at this stage. Agreed, but there's a nice way to say that; "I think we are all set for help this time but it would be great if you could make it." a little enthusiasm goes a long way. quote: Argh - this annoys me - I agree with you - it's a bit weird to judge someone's choice of dress when there's no dress code! Actually on this point the dress code was street wearable, and there were plenty of ppl pushing that limit. I was wearing a collar, corset, plaid miniskirt, thigh highs and black boots, and I had my finger in Master's belt the whole time, it was obvious we were there together, I don't really get that reaction. quote: Sigh -that's a bad sign, I think you're "clicky" diagnosis may be spot on. Unfortunately I wonder if my Master to some degree was blackballed by a woman He was seeing before me. He stopped seeing her to date me exclusively and I think she may have badmouthed Him to the scene. She is VERY VERY active and knows a lot of people unfortunately... quote: I can't speak for Beantown these days but when I lived there in 1999, there were a few events in MA and RH that were really welcoming - so don't let this experience deter you! Oh they ain't seen the last of us yet, I just got asked to model for the next photomunch, so one way or the other, these people are going to get to know me :) quote: ORIGINAL: Rasputinx2000 I suggest you go several times before pronouncing it bad. Definitely but maybe something more intimate next time, smaller event, possibly a club though Master hates how loud they are... quote: ORIGINAL: DomImus The larger groups that meet at the bigger popular dungeon in town seem to have a fair amount of what you describe. The only time I enjoy going there is if I run into folks from the smaller local group I am familiar with. I've heard Atlanta has a pretty vibrant scene, I think starting small is a good idea for us though, me in particular. I guess I expected it to be all warm and fuzzy like CM [:D] People are never at a loss for words here, or at least that's been my observation.

sexyred1 -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/14/2010 5:46:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium quote: ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4 NOTE TO SELF - I need to get out of the house and explore BDSM community events. I'm afraid, I rather much treat most events I go to or have gone too like a Jam Band event. In fact much of my socialization skills with people in public developed as the result of playing in a band. In regards to this, I have noticed certain coldness of attitudes with IT/computer/business events even. Where people are a little uptight. However, they generally tend to melt some when treated warmly like they are attending a hippie jam band event. I've been to a few workshops, however they were rather small and the group of people were pretty social with one another. The atmosphere was rather a bit like a Kinky Boy/Girl Scout meeting. Maybe I should try something smaller, more like a munch rather than a convention, that might be easier. Either that or bring brownies to share [8D] It is definitely not you. I had similar experiences in NY and NJ in the past when I attended events. I went to my first munch a few weeks ago; same thing, the women were really standoffish to me, the men were more attentive. If you stop to realize that any event like this or just events in general are a microcosm of the world, where there are cliques, and jealousy and people behaving with less than stellar manners, then you know it is not you. I was friendly at the munch and even the woman I went with said she did not know what was wrong with everyone, why they would not be welcoming to newcomers.

Lorenzo19 -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/14/2010 10:40:26 PM)
I think your experience at the Flea Market is indicative of general society. There is a group mentality. They are leary of newcomers until they are sure you fit into the group mentality. When they discover you dont fit they drive you off like vermin. It is not really a concious behavior, I dont think. Unconcious. OR maybe a group mind like a beehive.

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/14/2010 10:45:16 PM)
I should just drop the innocent look and grin like the Chesire cat lil devil I am, I am so much cuter with that mischevious spark gleaming fully and brightly! [sm=shake.gif] quote: ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium quote: ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom who meeeeeeeeee? innocent look that some how doesn't look quite right Yes you!! And mine never look quite right either [;)]

Lorenzo19 -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/14/2010 10:56:18 PM)
I hit enter too fast. I think your experience at the Flea Market is indicative of general society. There is a group mentality. They are leary of newcomers until they are sure you fit into the group mentality. When they discover you dont fit they drive you off like vermin. It is not really a concious behavior, I dont think. Unconcious. OR maybe a group mind like a beehive. a self defense mechanism to protect their ideology, friendship networks, women, or whatever. I have seen it happen time and again. In churches, bdsm clubs, chat rooms... What is really ironic is when a small group starts creating the group mind. It leads to disintigration of the group. Even large groups can disintegrate. Called: the cut your own throat mind.

AquaticSub -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/14/2010 11:45:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium I dunno people tend to enjoy chatting me up too, in fact, almost to a fault, something about me projects "come hang out and chat with me!" or something. Me and Aqua probably shouldn't hang out, LOL. We totally should. [:D] quote: I need to learn this skill. Someone shoots me down and I look like my ice cream cone just fell on the ground. [:o] I do the same damn thing! We need to meet up so that you can see Valyraen's response to that. I'll come sniffling to him and he goes "What happened? Ok what do we do when someone is mean to us? That's right we go kick them in the nuts. Go kick them in the nuts honey. That's my good little Kitten..." I wuvs him. [:D] Anyway, on the top of your OP, I haven't really experienced that. Sometimes people haven't talked to me as much as I would have liked but when you are new person people just don't have already built-up friendships with you. There have been specific people in the community that were cooler with me than I would have liked but they have always been polite when I approached them for a specific question. Maybe the situation had some sort of hidden drama that you don't know about that was making people testy? Come down here. We'll give you sweet tea after we are done beating you. [;)]

UniqueRaven -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/14/2010 11:56:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub Come down here. We'll give you sweet tea after we are done beating you. [;)] Sweet Tea. Thank the good Lord we don't do that here in TX, at least not as a rule. My brother and his wife live in NC - EVERYTHING has sugar in it there - even the meat! shivers A very special kind of torture. [:D] julie

AquaticSub -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/14/2010 11:59:34 PM)
Mmmm I love sweet tea. 1 gallon of tea, 1 cup of sugar and only 1 point per glass according to Weight Watchers. Oh the sweet, sugary goodness.

ExSteelAgain -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/15/2010 3:42:33 AM)
There are similar dynamics to get-togethers of all kinds. I go to conferences alone with my work a good bit. I often know one or two people there, but it’s usually a matter of walking up to small groups and getting to be accepted. It’s awkward as hell offering yourself for evaluation that way. One thing that helps is being quiet, but being an active listener and responding with laughs or polite comments to others. It’s human nature they will continue to bounce things off you. When I went to my first big bdsm event a few years back I noticed what some of you are talking about, but I also remembered my times at vanilla meetings. At the event, I was with a girl and we both felt the same initial discomfort. What I’ve noticed is that people tend to loose their social angst as time goes on and become friendlier. Of course it is coming from me as much as it is from them. Or is it ALL simply coming from me as I relax? Something does change and it’s not from drinking. The bdsm event in Atlanta with a couple of hundred people did not have alcohol either, so that was not the cause for the change in mood. Some of us knew each other from an online thing, but this was our first RT. As time passed we fell into our online comfort zone. We ended up playing in our small group within the larger setting. We all left better friends than before. My advice is to realize a bdsm gathering is no different than any other and wait out the getting to know you phase. It will come about the time you relax. You can’t expect others to want to play with you when that old sympathetic nervous system, fight or flight mechanism, is still geared up due to the strangers.

KMsAngel -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/15/2010 4:18:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19 /hijack "Called: the cut your own throat mind." needs to be renamed the Dibbler effect /unhijack having been twice to a local munch, i found he first time incredibly uncomfortable. i went by myself and being a bit of a shy person anyways, didn't stay very long. the people were nice, but for a newb, i had no idea what to expect or what to say. the 2nd time i went i took my daughter (of age). she's younger and cuter. we got a very friendly response! i wonder whether it was because i wasn't a singleton (though i soon made it clear she WASN'T my lesbian younger lover, but my daughter whom i'm close to and affectionate with). the 2nd time was much better, but i still don't think i'd go alone again.

afkarr -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/15/2010 5:49:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AnimusRex Kim and I have experienced a bit of that also, the sort of clannishness, or cool reserve of some there. And yes Raven makes a good point about how people tend to have their guard up, when exposing so intimate a part of their personality in public. I had similar experiences in the swing scene years ago, where you would think men would be voraciously forward, but in most cases the men are timid, shy and reserved. Mostly because (in my opinion) they were nervous about stepping out of line and being banished, or worse, having a girl reject them. Its tough when a girl says she will do every guy in the room....except you. So even in a venue dedicated to free expression and liberty of kink, people tend to be a bit hesitant, guarded. Interesting- I had pretty much the same experience in a swing club several years ago. Nobody said Hi, Bye, or Fuck You- the latter being sort of what we expected. I thought maybe it was just typical midwestern prudishness or something, guess not. Perhaps people might be a little guarded with their persoanl information at such an event, but why would they even be in a public venue if they didn't want to socialize with others??

SimplyMichael -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/15/2010 7:58:11 AM)
I go to events a lot, some I know a lot of people, others I don't. Some places are more cliquey, other's aren't. Some of the places I find warm and welcoming other's don't, some that I find cliquish other's find welcoming. I would put my arm out and STOP someone from walking up to a woman locked in a cage who I didn't know. Frankly, if I saw someone offering up what you did, I would slowly back away and keep my distance from what I would suspect might be a train wreck in the making. The problem is that the people you most want to play with her would keep their distance and the ones you least want would be most drawn to such a scene. Was this a play party or a social event? If it was a social event and you guys were "playing" that again might be why people were standoffish as they didn't know what to make of you. If it was a play party, they might have been being polite by giving you space.. Or, they could have been a bunch of standoffish snobs...just know we all are not that way!

afkarr -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/15/2010 8:06:49 AM)
Michael- if you're questioning my post, the answer is neither. It was a swingers club, basically you paid a cover charge, and could chit chat, socialize, or swap. AS they also sold yearly membertships, I assume at least some of the people had been there before. Truthfully, I didn't see anybody doing very much of anything at all, except hanging around the person they came with. No cages to lock anybody into ( it wasn't a dungeon), and although there were rooms you could "rent" and either close the door or leave it open, they didn't seem to be getting much business either. We ended up sitting around naked in the pool, and that was about it. We could have rented a motel room with a hottub and ended up with the same experience.

HisSweetElysium -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/15/2010 8:37:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lorenzo19 It is not really a concious behavior, I dont think. Unconcious. OR maybe a group mind like a beehive. a self defense mechanism to protect their ideology, friendship networks, women, or whatever. It's not like I'm a complete newb to going to social events, gatherings, etc. I used to travel for work going to conferences and trade shows and more often than not, would have people asking me to go to dinner with them by half way through the first day. I started grad school taking a class with a lot of people who already knew each other, and by the end of the second day, had new friends. Of course inwardly I'm shaking like a lil' leaf hoping ppl will like to me, but I think my completely reflexive action to smile at people when I make eye contact goes a long way as an ice breaker. I guess I just assumed it would be similar if not more so at the flea, so I was disappointed. Without being nasty, I would say there were a lot of people who were not always the "coolest of the cool" in high school or whatnot there. Maybe it's an unconscious revenge thing, like "now I'M in the inner circle of coolness, and YOU are not welcome" some weird thing that should be worked out in therapy, not socially. shrugs I was never one of the cool people either though. quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub quote: ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium I dunno people tend to enjoy chatting me up too, in fact, almost to a fault, something about me projects "come hang out and chat with me!" or something. Me and Aqua probably shouldn't hang out, LOL. We totally should. quote: I need to learn this skill. Someone shoots me down and I look like my ice cream cone just fell on the ground. I do the same damn thing! We need to meet up so that you can see Valyraen's response to that. I'll come sniffling to him and he goes "What happened? Ok what do we do when someone is mean to us? That's right we go kick them in the nuts. Go kick them in the nuts honey. That's my good little Kitten..." I wuvs him. Anyway, on the top of your OP, I haven't really experienced that. Sometimes people haven't talked to me as much as I would have liked but when you are new person people just don't have already built-up friendships with you. There have been specific people in the community that were cooler with me than I would have liked but they have always been polite when I approached them for a specific question. Maybe the situation had some sort of hidden drama that you don't know about that was making people testy? Come down here. We'll give you sweet tea after we are done beating you. Aww I just dare people to be mean to BOTH of us!!! Plus we can wear our boots and those are perfect for kicking in the nuts! [:D] Maybe you're right about the drama, I do fear that Master's been sort of blackballed by these ppl b/c of the high drama girl He was seeing before me. She actually sent Him a highly inappropriate message the day before the event asking if He was going and reminiscing about their BDSM experiences. This after months ago she flipped out and told Him she was going to tell all her friends what a jerk He was. Nice. And this may be sacrilege, but is there a sugar free version of sweet tea? Inquiring low carb girl wants to know! Visiting Aqua and Valyrean would be much fun!!! [:D] quote: ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain What I’ve noticed is that people tend to loose their social angst as time goes on and become friendlier. Of course it is coming from me as much as it is from them. Or is it ALL simply coming from me as I relax? Something does change and it’s not from drinking. The bdsm event in Atlanta with a couple of hundred people did not have alcohol either, so that was not the cause for the change in mood. Some of us knew each other from an online thing, but this was our first RT. As time passed we fell into our online comfort zone. We ended up playing in our small group within the larger setting. We all left better friends than before. My advice is to realize a bdsm gathering is no different than any other and wait out the getting to know you phase. It will come about the time you relax. You can’t expect others to want to play with you when that old sympathetic nervous system, fight or flight mechanism, is still geared up due to the strangers. I understand completely, I guess the next step is to go to a munch maybe a more intimate gathering would be okay. I sort of thought the bondage lounge would be like that, but if even the people putting on the workshop are standoffish and weird, I don't know, seems hard to overcome. We have a local play party group too, but I'm worried it's going to be populated with people who have something against my Master as a result of that woman saying stuff about Him, and that would be awkward for me especially, since that is a completely new thing to me, I'd rather not give it a try with a room full of people glaring at me. [:(] quote: ORIGINAL: KMsAngel having been twice to a local munch, i found he first time incredibly uncomfortable. i went by myself and being a bit of a shy person anyways, didn't stay very long. the people were nice, but for a newb, i had no idea what to expect or what to say. the 2nd time i went i took my daughter (of age). she's younger and cuter. we got a very friendly response! i wonder whether it was because i wasn't a singleton (though i soon made it clear she WASN'T my lesbian younger lover, but my daughter whom i'm close to and affectionate with). the 2nd time was much better, but i still don't think i'd go alone again. I've avoided the munches myself for that exact reason, I wanted to meet people in the scene, but didn't know what to expect and didn't want to go alone and feel like an outsider. I'm glad you had a positive experience and kept at it, I should take that as a good sign and keep at it myself. [:)] quote: ORIGINAL: afkarr Perhaps people might be a little guarded with their persoanl information at such an event, but why would they even be in a public venue if they didn't want to socialize with others?? My sentiment exactly, maybe it's just a thing about being OUT publicly that is a turn on, and actually interacting with other human beings is too much to ask..

AquaticSub -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/15/2010 9:55:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisSweetElysium Aww I just dare people to be mean to BOTH of us!!! Plus we can wear our boots and those are perfect for kicking in the nuts! [:D] With the force of adorable behind us, nothing can stand in our way! evil laugh quote: Maybe you're right about the drama, I do fear that Master's been sort of blackballed by these ppl b/c of the high drama girl He was seeing before me. She actually sent Him a highly inappropriate message the day before the event asking if He was going and reminiscing about their BDSM experiences. This after months ago she flipped out and told Him she was going to tell all her friends what a jerk He was. Nice. Ouch that is entirely possible. If she went around spreading crap the day before and day of the event, they might have just been trying to avoid more drama llamas. Not saying being cold to you is right but they may have felt stuck between a rock and a hard place, particularly if she is very involved in the community. Ignore the asses and keep going. Kill 'em with kindness! [:D] quote: And this may be sacrilege, but is there a sugar free version of sweet tea? Inquiring low carb girl wants to know! Visiting Aqua and Valyrean would be much fun!!! [:D] Actually my version is pretty low calorie. I had to adjust it when I started doing weight watchers. I don't know the calorie input but the points value is 1 point per six ounces, which is about the same as 35 jelly beans or one apple. I've never tried making it with Splenda but I suppose I could. [:)]

HisSweetElysium -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/15/2010 10:04:24 AM)
And when adorable fails, there is the nut kicking of course hee hee!! RE said drama mama, yes, I am just going to have to be my sweet likable self. smiles all around! That seems like a bit of a misnomer, LOL low calorie sweet tea? I'm game though! Oh I want to be purple, not barney purple, COOL purple. I'll paint you green if you paint me purple, whadaya say? [sm=pillowfight.gif]

AquaticSub -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/15/2010 10:09:28 AM)
Drama mama raises the drama llamas. And nothing pisses off the drama mama like ignoring her llamas! This is actually a life motto of mine. Evidently my voice gets sweeter and more classically southern the more pissed I get. It's really funny - Valyraen and my best friend know to duck and cover when "ya'll" or "Bless your heart" is every other phrase... And did you need to ask? Body painting a sexy woman and having her paint me? Oh the horror, the horror! Now, how much paint to order... [:D]

HisSweetElysium -> RE: The Scene? My first community experience (2/15/2010 10:15:29 AM)
I have several creative suggestions for what she can do with her llamas, but I'll keep it polite. Oooh I've known some southern ladies of that nature! It's to lull us northerners into thinking all is well, see we're too dumb, we just lay it all on the line. There is definitely something to be said for being subtle! You only need about half as much for me, I'm already pretty permanently painted. But the rest of me SHOULD be purple dammit and you SHOULD be green! And so far I've only done gray and white, pics coming your way on the other side ;)

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