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MsStarlett -> I'm back, again... I think... (2/15/2010 5:18:05 AM)
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I apologize to the Ladies for being such a Yo-Yoing, indecisive, basket case. I didn't see a "February Roll Call"... so pardon me for starting up a new thread while you're at it.
Truth of the matter is that I've been 'ill'. I believe I mentioned before leaving that I was having some hormonal issues. Menopause has always been such a taboo subject, that I had no clue what the hell was wrong with me when I started having symptoms. My Aunt Flo still visits every month, so that couldn't have been the problem! But it was. And it crept up on me so slowly that I didn't see it. But the hormonal imbalances made me crazy. Ladies and gentlemen, in case no one ever told you about it... let me clue you in. It's different for every woman. It can come early or later in life. It can hit all at once or it can sneak up on you... making you think that your emotional nightmare is justified via circumstances... but it's not.
For me, I think it started as long as a year ago. Looking back, I can see the signs. It was never an 'all the time' sort of thing, just every now and then, I would be up half the night because it was to hot to sleep while my husband isn't having issues with this ungodly hot room. And I've always been a 'passionate' woman. I've always had strong emotional attachments. It was 'normal' for me to be giddy when having fun, or loving someone or some thing deeply, or being crushed when things went wrong... but this was something different. It was like someone had turned up the volume on all my emotions to maximum overload. Good and bad. They were slowly taking control... very much like a teenager. I just didn't see it.
My best beloved Westie broke off our D/s relationship when he found his One true Love who lives in his town - not a 4 hour drive away like me. I knew I should be happy for him and to let him go lead a happy life. But I also felt I had a RIGHT to be angry about that and depressed. He deserved to be yelled at until he wouldn't speak to me anymore... which only made me angrier and more depressed because he told me "Why would I want to speak to you? All you ever do is cry or yell at me these days."
Then 'Nextie' came along. A very nice man who had been out of the BDSM scene for a long time. If I had eased him back into it, he possibly could have been a very good pain slut for me, but I couldn't handle it. My ramped up emotions made me unbalanced and possibly unsafe. The fact that he came to me for a beating made me believe that he needed to be the whipping post for all the implied sins that any man had ever inflicted upon me. The fact that I was pushing him past his limits, that I was torturing him was a GOOD thing? Right? These boards tell us such things all the time. PUSH that sub until he cries or screams his safe word. It's what he WANTS! Isn't it? The anguish on his face delighted me more than I could possibly imagine before. It was delightful and I wanted more and more of it. And he left. In fact, he claimed he was leaving the lifestyle, but I see his account is still here. I think he just got smart and knew that I had become unbalanced.
I didn't notice that I had a real, uncontrollable problem until I started 'yelling' at a very nice boy on World of Warcraft and basically blaming him for every thing that ever went wrong in my life. That was when I marched myself straight to the drug store and got Estroven. That helped A LOT! And reading up on the internet about all the crazy symptoms of menopause that no one ever told me about - like dry skin that makes you feel like something is crawling on you.... It all started making sense and I knew I was unhinged. But I was working on it.
And YES - I apologized profusely to West, who now speaks to me now and then and we have forged a new type of friendship. I apologized to Next, who no longer hates me... or at least I don't think he does. *shrug* He's a very smart man. I highly recommend him as a sub. I apologized to Gryn on WoW who is still a very dear friend and we hang out and play frequently.
I thought I was getting myself back on track... Then I got hit with the normal flood of "Do Me" subs. Ladies, we all know about them. They drive us all crazy. But I wanted a replacement sub so badly that I started talking to them. All of them. I was talking to so many that I couldn't keep them straight in my head. The only thing all of these males pretending to be subs wanted was Sex. All of them. None of them wanted ANYTHING but sex. In the entire lot, it didn't seem that there was ONE who actually wanted to do anything the least bit uncomfortable to them, even though that was all I wanted. (Which, in retrospect was a very good thing that no others showed up on my doorstep.)
I got flooded with 'sub males' who didn't want ANYTHING that I wanted... they only wanted me to conform to THEIR fantasies. I would get the ones who would say, "You can spank me a little and make me dress up like a little girl and suck your other sub's dick and then you can BOTH fuck me up the ass. And you can call me names when I cry because it hurts." IE - He's gay but doesn't want to BE gay... so he's not a 'fag' if a woman FORCES him into have a homosexual relationship. He doesn't want anything to do with a FemDom, he just wants me to set up a lot of gay orgies for him. Wrong.
Then there are the "I don't want to do anything that hurts. I just want you to lock me in my CB and then be my free live porn sex doll who struts around and rubs herself all over me! Then you can tell me to beat off in the corner." Wrong.
Or the "I don't want to do anything useful or actually show up, I just want you to type to me in intimant detail all the sexy things you're going to wear and do when I get there." Wrong.
Or "I'm a full service slave. I'll draw your bath, wash you all over, shave everything, hold your towel for you and give you a great all over body massage when you're done. What? You want me to wash the dishes, fix your car, paint your dungeon, or mow the lawn? No. I don't do any kind of actual physical labor. I just want to get naked with you and put my hands all over you while I drool on you. And I know that I do it SO well that you're going to force me to have sex." Wrong.
Or "I want to be your 24/7 live in. I don't want to get a job and work for a living. I want to move into your house and watch your cable TV and play on your internet while you're out making money to support my lazy ass." Wrong.
It seemed like every man who spoke to me was only looking to push his own agenda on me. Even with the Estroven, that made me crazy. It made me angry and depressed. So I just went away. I couldn't deal with the stress of so many needy people yapping at my heals all the time. None of them wanted to do what I wanted to do to relieve my stress, they only wanted to pile more and more on me, so I just stopped reading the garbage.
So, I'm back. I'm back with the traditional "Pissy Domme" profile that all the sub males hate. But, you know what? Tough shit. If a guy doesn't want to be hit, then I don't need him. I'm here because I'm married to a man who doesn't fulfill that one need in my life. If another man doesn't want to satisfy my sadistic hungers, then I don't have time for him. If he doesn't 'click' with me on some personal level, then I don't want to spend time with him. If we DO form some sort of friendly bond, if he DOES fulfill my sadistic needs, then the sexy stuff will naturally follow. But if all a 'sub male' wants is to skip over all the friendship and relationship stuff... then he can just go hire a Pro Domme to beat him or a Prostitute to fuck him. It ain't going to be ME because I am neither.
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