lucylucy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
quote:
ORIGINAL: lucylucy
it looks like you are making a clear distinction between "sacrifices" and "compromises."
Yes, I do make a distinction. The line is dependent on so many things though it is hard to be specific.
With your example, I assume you didn't give up your hobby completely (and for my example, let's say that is the case). I don't see that as a "sacrifice." That is a compromise. After all, if the time spent on your hobby prevented the two of you from spending quality time together, wouldn't you prefer to cut back on your hobby?
I used to shoot in a pool league. It was a weekly event. My partner actually was the one who encouraged me to start playing in the league. It was one night a week. Now let's say that for some reason, his schedule changed and that one night of pool was the only night he was free (like if he worked nights). If it were the end of the season, I would finish the season and we would figure out a way to work around it because I made a committment to the team. On the other hand, if the season hadn't started, he wouldn't ask me to quit, but he might ask me to join a league or team that played on a different night. Even though I liked my team, etc., I don't see it as a sacrifice. I see it as compromising for the sake of being able to spend time with my partner.
The line would be drawn when one asks the other to completely give up something they enjoy. For instance, within a power dynamic, if the dominant asked his partner to give up her career because he wanted a "stay at home" submissive, that would be a sacrifice and, in my opinion, inappropriate if the submissive had a career that she loved. If a dominant develops a relationship with a submissive who doesn't simply have a job, but a career that they worked hard to develop and achieve, it isn't right to ask them to give it up. They knew going in what the deal was and it would be selfish on the part of the dominant.
On the other hand, if one partner asks the other (D or s doesn't matter in this case) to quit smoking and the other agrees, is that really a "sacrifice?"
I don't live with my partner. He likes to sleep with the radio and the light on, I hate lights and noise when I'm trying to sleep. Is he "sacrificing" by turning off the light and the radio? Or is he compromising something that he really doesn't need (yes he can easily fall asleep without it) so that I can sleep better? He also is always cold and has an electric bed mat under the sheet to keep warm, while I'm always hot at night. Am I sacrificing by not asking him to turn it off? No, I just wear less to bed. It's a compromise.
In the end, I think it depends on how one views things. I view the things we give up for each other as compromises so that we both can be happy. Successful relationships are based on compromise, not sacrifice. There was another thread a while ago, I don't honestly remember what it was about. In any case, Merc talked about vacations. He wanted to go somewhere tropical, beth wanted to go to Ireland (or something like that). Did Merc "sacrifice" by going to Ireland (or where ever it was) because beth doesn't do well with sun and her fair skin? Of course not. It was a compromise for the sake of their relationship. Spending the trip with beth was more important than where they went. As the master in their relationship, he certainly could have decided that they would go to that tropical place, but why should he do that? Had he done that and insisted beth walk along the beach with him, he would be asking beth to sacrifice her health and risk horrible sun burn just so he could have his way with the trip. What would be the point at the end? She would become ill and the trip wouldn't be enjoyable. So the solution is a compromise.
I'm sure some see things like that as "sacrifices." I see viewing things in that way more like keeping a score card. In the sense of "see all I have "sacrificed" for you?" That won't make a relationship successful, and I would rather not have to sacrifice or ask my partner to sacrifice. There is always a middle ground, and again, that is where successful relationships live. In the middle where there is give and take and everyone is happy.
I agree with much of what you've said, and at the same time, my own relationship operates very differently. Yes, I have given up some hobbies and activities that I really enjoyed and replaced them with hobbies and activities that my Owner wants to share with me. He told me to do it and I did. I could have protested, but I consciously chose not to. There was no compromise at all, but neither do I see it as sacrifice. I was happy to do it because I knew it would make him happy, and I was right--it made him very happy . . . and that in turn made me very happy.
The career example you gave struck a nerve with me. I love my career, I have worked hard to get where I am, and I'm good at what I do. Giving it up would be a serious sacrifice, one I might possibly be resentful about. My Owner knows this, although we've never discussed it. I can't imagine he would ever ask me to give it up, partly because he knows how much I've put into it and partly because my career success is something about me he finds attractive. BUT if he did tell me to give it up (there's no asking from him--it's all telling, and I like that), I'm not sure what I would do. I would feel it was a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.
My Owner doesn't compromise, which means when I want to do something other than what he wants to do I have to decide, do I want to do what I want to do MORE than I want to please him? Every once in a while the answer is yes, I want to do what I want to do more than I want to please him . . . but more often than not, I want to please him more. We vacation where he wants to vacation, we do what he wants to do. He'll usually ask me what I want to do do and he'll take that into account when he decides what we're going to do, but the decision is ultimately his, and I abide by his decisions. I'm fair like beth, and I've gotten a few sunburns for my Owner . . . but he's also paid outrageous sums in foreign countries to keep me in SPF 90.
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“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi
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RE: How Much are you willing to sacrifice to be with Yo... - 
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