Loosing that "feeling" help??

Loosing that "feeling" help?? (Full Version)

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MyCaptainsPet -> Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 12:59:55 PM)
i tried to do a search for this topic, but couldn't find anything on it.. Maybe my search was too specific... Anyways... i'm going thru a difficult time in my life right now and i find that my submissivness is taking a hit because of it. The gentle, soft spoken woman i am has become hard and out spoken. i've been snippy and a general pain in the ass to everyone. She's gotten demanding, short tempered and controling i know i've been bad, because my Captain has commented on it... and for him to comment means i've been WAY out there.. i'm wondering if it's possible to loose your submissiveness? i've always believed and have felt, deep down in my core that it's WHO i am... this "thing" i've become is NOT me.. i'm confused and scared and don't know what to do with myself. Anyone ever had this happen??? When their submissive soul has seemed to be beaten away by some inner bitch?????? Help??

Mercnbeth -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 1:14:58 PM)
Your profile states that you are a "new submissive". Has the excitement of being a submissive worn off with the newness for you? Him? There is a transition point beyond the kinky sex and the role playing where continuing requires a deeper commitment. I don't think it's possible to "loose your submissiveness"; but it is possible to get get tired of 'acting' submissive if submissiveness isn't part of your nature. If there is internal struggle and conflict it could be separation anxiety to the part of you that was/is and needs to be dominant. That need could have been instilled by peer or society pressures or just the way your were brought up. You're fortunate to have a partner to assist you in the process. It makes the process easier when you are not attempting it solo. Good luck in reconciling with who you really are.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 1:20:51 PM)
Once the high of the body and mind chemicals starts to normalize, it's up to you both to work it out together in the long term. It's very normal and almost expected to come down from "new relationship energy" especially if something else in your life smacks you in the face. That doesn't mean it's gone forever- the sustaining relationships I know of learn how to maintain their springiness together and how to create new moments. First examine your life- are you sleeping well? eating right? have you made a big change lately? Is there an added stressor? So many basic things can affect our mood that can easily be compensated for. Secondly, what are you and your dom doing TOGETHER to work through this?

MyCaptainsPet -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 2:03:05 PM)
Thanks for your response.. By being a new submissive, i mean i was collared in November.. we've been together for almost 3 years and the D/s roles have been a parat of US from the beginning.. We don't play with the kink much.. on only occasion to be honest... Its more of an emotional/personality dynamic that we have naturally.. i've always been submissive in nature and have a deep need to serve as a part of my makeup...

MHOO314 -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 2:04:04 PM)
I do not think one loses their submissiveness--I believe that life has a way of covering it with dust----sometimes if we allow ourselves to retreat to what is comfortable, then we can better face the task ahead---that can also mean we break down the walls of protection and feel more vulnerable--let Your Captain help you steer your ship along what appears to be a rocky sea.

MyCaptainsPet -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 2:08:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross First examine your life- are you sleeping well? eating right? have you made a big change lately? Is there an added stressor? So many basic things can affect our mood that can easily be compensated for. Secondly, what are you and your dom doing TOGETHER to work through this? No, i'm not sleeping right, nor am i eating right, i've lost a job recently, and He has issues on his side that have taken him away emotionally recently... All of these have happened within a very short amount of time... the last month and 1/2.... What CAN we do to work thru this? i've told him how i'm feeling (today as a matter of fact) i've just never 'crashed' in this, nor has this "bitch" come out like this before...

luckyslaveboync -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 2:11:30 PM)
Stress affects behavior and feelings....and decisions. It may not be the best time to decide you are/are not submissive. Yes, perspectives change when stress ebbs. Best wishes and good luck!

starymists -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 2:14:56 PM)
Speaking only for myself here...I don't think I 'loose' being a submissive. I think there are times when I'm overly involved in work and have trouble shutting it down and shifting into the very different dynamic I live with on my personal time. I think there are other times, when family responsibilities force me into a place where I have to assume control and I can have trouble stepping out of it. I think there are still other times when friends go through pains that have me stepping into a bad direction. But none of those mean I am not a submissive. There are nights I am so drop dead tired after work, I don't think I have it in me to serve as I want to or as I know that I should, and some times that attitude gets the better of me...and in those times, my Dominant might allow me to rest if there are legitimate reasons for my being tired, like a long day at work and other times when he calls me on my behavior if there are not legitimate reasons for my behavior, like not going to bed ontime cuz I decided to do something else and just didn't get enough sleep. But those other times, when I get too entrenched in the areas of my life that require me to be the one in control, he recognizes that he needs to help me reach out and get back in touch with that most tender part of myself...in short, he simply Dominates me and in his Dominantion, I reconnect with the submissive within. And at least for me, though it doesn't happen often, it is part of my journey :)

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 2:21:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MyCaptainsPet No, i'm not sleeping right, nor am i eating right, i've lost a job recently, and He has issues on his side that have taken him away emotionally recently... All of these have happened within a very short amount of time... the last month and 1/2.... All that helps to put things into context. quote: What CAN we do to work thru this? i've told him how i'm feeling (today as a matter of fact) i've just never 'crashed' in this, nor has this "bitch" come out like this before... On YOUR end, you control the things that you can control. Give yourself a clear bedtime and wake up time. If you aren't working still, act like you are by keeping to work hours. Make sure that you are eating and drinking properly. Do a bit of physical exercise every day. If you are planning to work again, send out at least 5 resumes every day. And allow yourself to vent in small ways during small times. Give yourself a treat of a tv show, or a long shower, or something small to help you get through the day. As far as HIM, I have no idea why emotional issues are taking him AWAY from you rather than using it as a way to work TOGETHER. But he needs to get into the process and start working with you so that you can both help eachother.

fullofgrace -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 2:25:34 PM)
i've had many moments where i didn't feel as though i was "losing" my submissiveness, but i did feel that perhaps i was not functioning well as a submissive or perhaps my Dominant might think i wasn't suited to be His submissive, due to my behavior (i tend to be very emotionally needy and jealous, two qualities i'm really working on). but then i reevaluated what was going on with me and realized that i wasn't taking care of myself, which was causing my own mental/emotional/physical health to suffer, which was in turn causing me to not relate well to my Dominant, which was really what was damaging. i think it's really important first to take time to care for yourself properly, so that you aren't feeling tired and short-tempered all of the time. then, i would bring up the concerns you have with your dom about him being more emotionally involved (and see if he might even involve you in what is going on with him - it could be good for both of you). unfortunately, demands of everyday life can turn anyone ill-tempered, and it just seems to come out more starkly in these situations. hugs best of luck to you!

MyCaptainsPet -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 2:28:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross As far as HIM, I have no idea why emotional issues are taking him AWAY from you rather than using it as a way to work TOGETHER. But he needs to get into the process and start working with you so that you can both help eachother. Its a serious illness on his side of the family that has got him running ragged emotionally as he tries to be the strong one for everyone involved.. His need to "fix" it all and be the one in control for everyone involved.. and tries to make all the decisions for everyone... i understand this and accept it and know it's temporary.. i do what i can to ease things for him, i go the extra mile to listen if he needs an ear.. i try not to dump more on him by being extra needy.. but that backfires as i start taking control of things that HE is normally in control of.... Does that make sense??

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 2:40:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MyCaptainsPet Its a serious illness on his side of the family that has got him running ragged emotionally as he tries to be the strong one for everyone involved.. His need to "fix" it all and be the one in control for everyone involved.. and tries to make all the decisions for everyone... i understand this and accept it and know it's temporary.. i do what i can to ease things for him, i go the extra mile to listen if he needs an ear.. i try not to dump more on him by being extra needy.. but that backfires as i start taking control of things that HE is normally in control of.... Does that make sense?? You guys obviously need a night to sit down. If he can't control himself to know when he's running himself too thin, then he's no use to anyone. Maybe he's doing it so he won't have to deal with the feelings, and likely he's very good at managing and perhaps has the perfectionist streak of thinking that if he doesn't do it, no one will and it won't get done right. All of which is fine on its own except when it gets in the way of him not being able to care for another of his priorities- his relationship with you. You guys need to sit down and look at what's going on- he needs to delegate things to you, you need to make sure to have regular contact with eachother (perhaps even scheduled if necessary). There may be things he can give to you to plan. But he can't let one plate slide off the table because he gets so caught up in all the other plates spinning around. He needs to take a few plates off or manage them better.

tendergirl -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 3:00:42 PM)
I will never lose my submissiveness, but losing the feeling for me came just as much from Him as from inside me. The curtain was pulled away from the wizard once too often in our vanilla relationship and it rocked our D/s relationship. I thought, if He can't work out His vanilla world, can He really be in control of my body, my life? As with everything else, feelings wax and wane and the secret is communication. I can't lose my submissiveness because that is what I am, not how I feel. But from time to time the "feeling" I have as a submissive can be lesser if I feel He is not in control of His own life. I talk to Him ...alot and He listens and we learn, and grow, and love, and scene.....it is Heaven. love from tendergirl

MsAlexaandJack -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 3:06:35 PM)
We ALL have submissive and dominant traits. It could be during this time of extreme stress your dominant traits are coming out an acting as a shield to protect you from anymore stress. My suggestion is try relaxation techniques, warm tea, meditation, soothing music and pleasant aromas to help yourself relax and allow the stress to work its way out. Also loosening a job is a BIG deal it can effect a person adversely so give yourself time to work thru this and your Dominant should also do his best to help you thru it. If he's adding more stress then its only going to make it worse, he needs to realise this and be more supportive perhaps. Hope all works out for you. MsAlexa

MyCaptainsPet -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 3:28:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MHOO314 -that can also mean we break down the walls of protection and feel more vulnerable-- This i know usually works with him... The more i seem to open up, the more dominant He becomes

classykindasassy -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/28/2006 7:39:58 PM)
I feel particularly rebellious or un-submissive under a couple of circumstances. In fact interesting that you bring it up because it has come up over here in my life, and has caused me to look back even into vanilla LTRs that I've had, because I noticed a pattern for myself. Suppressed resentment is the number-one killer of the suppressive soul, followed by stress around survival issues like money, sexual or dominance deprivation, serious job or children problems. I could have an upset or a resentment and have the huevos to speak it, and it will not have much power to drive me to rebellion, though it does strip me of the joy of full submission. But if allowed to grow and stay suppressed, it saps the life and the beauty out of my submissive soul. When I have severe stress over survival issues, I am just too tired and withdrawn to play the game. I think that the same is true when you map it onto a Dom or Master as well. Think about how it works.

Sirandlittle1 -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/29/2006 2:09:21 AM)
I would echo everything that luckyA says. When all in my D/s relationship is rocky and i feel vulnerable, sometimes i revert to type. Assertive. This is not my core, it is the survival technique ive been practicing from birth to 41. But its a self fulfilling prophecy, the more i become assertive, the less inclined toward his submissive he becomes. Gritting my teeth, and 'acting as if' i felt submissive, can turn a evening around. good luck. littleone

SoulfulSadism -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/29/2006 2:33:03 AM)
Has to be the most difficult and intriguing question of the day. I am a dom; and thankfully, I have never been to the road of difficult doubts you are negotiating right now - losing the instincts that I think define me to an extent. But still, I'd like to try: Are you a perfectionist by nature ? Are you jealous of - or irritated by the 'demands' that have made your skipper emotionally unavailable, even if you do understand it ? Is he a little too much on the quiet side ? Incidentally, you 2 sound like a good, solid couple. I hope you 2 can ride this out and get back to business : >

MyCaptainsPet -> RE: Loosing that "feeling" help?? (3/29/2006 7:27:57 AM)
i'll try to answer the questions/comments everyone has made.... i do tend to become assertive when i feel threatened emotionally or if i am extreamly stressed. i tend to try to organize my entire life in an effort to organize my mind. i'll toss things out, alphabetize my cd's and books.. etc... Anything to put "order" where there doesn't seem to be any. i've been so hurt in my past that i always raise the sheilds if i feel anything that doesn't feel "right".. My Captain knows this and always knows how to get me to lower them again ... quote: Are you a perfectionist by nature ? Are you jealous of - or irritated by the 'demands' that have made your skipper emotionally unavailable, even if you do understand it ? Is he a little too much on the quiet side ? Yes to all 3. And, i'm feeling pushed aside for everything else... BUT, feeling guilty for putting "pressure" on him too..i don't like making demands for attention... and i hate feeling like a little kid jumping up and down screaming "look at me look at me!"

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