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How do you know if you are ready? - 2/18/2010 11:12:31 PM

InNeedofRSTRAINT

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Joined: 2/17/2010
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Firstly, i looked for stickies, so please don't flame me for not having searched the forum. if there is a post you would like to see, just link it or tell me where to find it.

Secondly, the question. i'm new to BDSM, and I don't really know what to expect. i've heard a lot of times when people get into it, a few minutes in they find it is too much for them.

I don't really know what to make of this, I don't really want to have a horrible experience. The idea of bdsm really turns me on, and i'd really like to explore it as a submissive.

how did you all know when you were ready? what was your first experience like, what should I expect? Any tips? Things to think on?

what is it like when a 'scene' goes wrong?

any/all responses will be appreciated,
even if you plan to point out why I'm an idiot,
I can atleast say thanks for reading.

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RE: How do you know if you are ready? - 2/18/2010 11:36:48 PM

tnpainslut

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Joined: 2/18/2010
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My first time was terrifying. My dom sat me down for several long conversations first about my interests and any related previous experiences. As long as your dom is compassionate and understands the need to take it slow and build up to things I'm sure you will enjoy yourself.

You can be absolutely terrified like I was and have very little idea of what to expect and still beg for more when time is up or you can decide it just isn't for you.

No one can really tell you what to expect. Every dom is different with different kinks and desires. The best thing I can suggest is to research everything. And I mean everything. Make a checklist with your hard and soft limits and things you want to try and discuss it.

best of luck!

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RE: How do you know if you are ready? - 2/19/2010 12:12:30 AM

AquaticSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: InNeedofRSTRAINT

Firstly, i looked for stickies, so please don't flame me for not having searched the forum. if there is a post you would like to see, just link it or tell me where to find it.

+ 5 XP for using the search function.

quote:

Secondly, the question. i'm new to BDSM, and I don't really know what to expect. i've heard a lot of times when people get into it, a few minutes in they find it is too much for them.

I'm not sure what exactly you've heard or from who but it's my humble opinion that people sometimes just jump in the deep end before they are a confident swimmer. Works for some, not for others. While there is no risk of drowning (usually anyway... ), some things appear worse than they actually are and some things take time to understand. But that's my two cents.

quote:

I don't really know what to make of this, I don't really want to have a horrible experience. The idea of bdsm really turns me on, and i'd really like to explore it as a submissive.

Well you are here. First step accomplished.

quote:

how did you all know when you were ready? what was your first experience like, what should I expect? Any tips? Things to think on?

Ready for what really?

There are lots of things you could be ready or not ready for. Being ready to try a spanking is a lot different than being ready to get into a Gorean-style relationship.

My first "scene" was with a fanastic Master in the DC area who walked me through the different types of toys and, in one afternoon, taught me an amazing amount.

My best advice is to insist on feeling comfortable. It's ok to be nervous - this is something new and different. Just take your time and find people you trust and respect to explore with.

quote:

what is it like when a 'scene' goes wrong?

That is again, a terribly vague question.

A scene can "wrong" in that, for any number of reasons, the people involved just don't to their headspace. A scene could go wrong because there is a accident (shit happens) and someone gets hurt. Which could be anything from as minor as a skinned knee to something more... horrific. It just depends on how dangerous the activites being done are and the skill of the people involved.

A scene can also go wrong if something happens that triggers a bad emotional response in those involved. Personally, I don't suggest people worry about that too much. It's akin to knocking over some candles a "vanilla" couple puts out to set the mood, accidently having your hair pulled in a bad way during sex or someone trying dirty talk and screwing it up badly.

Crap just happens. You talk it out, deal with the aftermath and move on.

quote:

any/all responses will be appreciated,
even if you plan to point out why I'm an idiot,
I can atleast say thanks for reading.

I don't see why anyone would say you are an idiot athough you'll probably get more useful responses as you learn more and are able to ask more specific questions.

Welcome to the boards. I hope you enjoy yourself here.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/19/2010 12:13:08 AM >

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RE: How do you know if you are ready? - 2/19/2010 4:17:12 AM

ponygirlthree

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the best advice i can give you is join your local scene visit clubs chat to the perple there you will find they are friendly and will understand what your talking about and help you on you way

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RE: How do you know if you are ready? - 2/19/2010 6:41:19 AM

DesFIP

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I'm a great believer in the first several times should be absolutely wonderful. You do this by talking about what you've always dreamed of and fantasized about. Then you start with those things in their all time mildest form. You can always make it harder to cope with the next time, you can't as easily undo something bad.

The other thing is that you need to not go in with the attitude that ending it is a bad thing. It isn't. The first time I was spanked, it was maybe three spanks just to see what my response was. It was anything but a full on session with my begging for mercy and unable to sit down for a week.

And you need to be honest with yourself if it is just the activity that you need or if you need them inside a relationship. Because some people are fine with casual play and others aren't. And either way, the only wrong decision is if you aren't being true to yourself.

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RE: How do you know if you are ready? - 2/19/2010 7:00:25 AM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ponygirlthree

the best advice i can give you is join your local scene visit clubs chat to the perple there you will find they are friendly and will understand what your talking about and help you on you way

Seconded. I'm not sure if you're ready for scening, but you are ready to meet people who are involved.

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RE: How do you know if you are ready? - 2/19/2010 10:54:04 AM

chicagoswitch

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My first time was also terrifying. My legs were shaking so badly I could hardly stand and my whole body was trembling..I can talk in front of 500 people without batting an eyelash! Mind you, this was after 8 to 10 "vanilla" meeting where we talked and had a drink or shared a meal. He went slow (sometimes too slow, I thought), was kind, compassionate and never once frightened me. After the scene was over, I was on cloud 9 for a week! I was hooked!

He always used to tell me that a happy sub was a compliant sub and that was the sub he wanted.

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RE: How do you know if you are ready? - 2/19/2010 12:42:00 PM

littleone35

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Your first time will always be kinday scary. When i met Master i was an experienced sub and i was still scared. The est advice i can give you is to take it slow and don't jump at the first Dom that shows interst. Get to know him by talking before play. Some don't do that , but for a first timer i think it is a good idea.

Matt's littleone

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RE: How do you know if you are ready? - 2/19/2010 3:14:00 PM

atypicalsub

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From: an atypical sub
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Be extremely careful who you choose to scene with! This can not be stressed enough. First of all, there are *A LOT* of scary people out there. That is not unique to bdsm, but it is much easier for someone to get you into a position where you can't fight back by presenting it as a bdsm scene. Take time to get to know a dominant before you play with them. To have a good scene you need to be with someone who is trustworthy and who will respect your limits.

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RE: How do you know if you are ready? - 2/19/2010 6:50:46 PM

dreamerdreaming

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The below is my standard advice for any kind of relationship, whether vanilla, D/s, or whatever:

You are the author of your own life. Always remember that. Your thoughts, feelings and actions are ultimately under your control. You don't hafta do anything, or do it with anyone, that you're not comfortable with.

When you've developed a trusting relationship with someone, you should be able to discuss your fears, desires, needs and expectations very candidly with one another.
If you don't feel like your needs, desires and concerns are being properly addressed, don't move forward with that person unless and until they are. Talk is cheap. Watch what they do. How do they treat you? Do you feel valued and respected for who you really are? Do you trust that person enough to show them who you really are, and likewise- do you feel like they trust you enough that they're allowing you to get to know who they really are? A certain amount of trust must be advanced by each of you to begin with, so that you both can earn the rest.

When you've found someone you trust enough to partner with, if they want any repeat business they'll know that if your wants and needs aren't properly addressed, its unlikely to happen. In order for each of you to foster a continuing relationship with one another, you've got to please each other. Whether you want a casual relationship, or something more.

Simply put: as long as you don't get with a jerk who just wants to use you for a one night stand and then throw you away when he's done... your partner will be motivated to make sure you get what you need and desire out of the experience, so that you two can continue to explore and have a good time together.

Compatibility is also essential. Get with someone whose needs, goals and desires match up well with yours, and insist on a reciprocal relationship: one in which you get as much as you give.

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RE: How do you know if you are ready? - 2/19/2010 8:35:20 PM

MasterSlaveLA

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quote:

ORIGINAL: InNeedofRSTRAINT

How do you know if you are ready?

The little plastic thingy pops up!!!

Attachment (1)

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RE: How do you know if you are ready? - 2/20/2010 8:37:24 AM

kiwisub12

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OHHHHhhhhhhh - now that is just WRONG!!!!!!! ....................... but pretty funny.

OP, anytime you do anything in the scene, you have the option to stop it, and if it feels wrong , use that option. If you have the right sort of dom, they will understand - or at least try to. The point is, is that you have as much control in a scene as does the dom ... and a safe word is your friend.

Have fun and expect to be very very nervous the first time you play. I was so nervous that i remember very little of my first time - and i hate that! I felt wonderful afterwards - physically and emotionally. Very satisfying.

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RE: How do you know if you are ready? - 2/20/2010 9:19:42 AM

lexey

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Joined: 6/28/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: InNeedofRSTRAINT

Secondly, the question. i'm new to BDSM, and I don't really know what to expect. i've heard a lot of times when people get into it, a few minutes in they find it is too much for them.

If one has no concept of what it is to swim, jumping into the middle of the ocean is probably not the best of ideas. Find a "life guard" and take it slowly.

quote:

I don't really know what to make of this, I don't really want to have a horrible experience. The idea of bdsm really turns me on, and i'd really like to explore it as a submissive.

Try to keep in mind that looking at the pictures is a whole lot different than experiencing it up close and personal. And maybe you could begin by attending a submissive's munch in your local area, make a few acquaintances, and move onward from there.

quote:

how did you all know when you were ready?

Sometimes, I still wonder if I'm ready. He can still overwhelm me. Be thoughtful in your choices of partners, and be thoughtful of your motivations as well.

quote:

what was your first experience like, what should I expect?

My first real experience was a very mild bondage scene after lots of talking about it. During, he took great care to pay attention to my reaction to most everything that was happening. And after, we talked a lot again. (That communication thing really is all it's cracked up to be.) As for expectations, expect that your partner should have your best interests at heart, and that you should have your partner's best interests at heart as well.

quote:

what is it like when a 'scene' goes wrong?

I'm presuming by "scene goes wrong" you don't mean, "holy shit, I'm all tied up here and totally vulnerable...and you know, I think he's a serial killer". If that is the case, all I can say is pray. If that's not the case, then you'll know it immediately, and it calls for a fair amount of communication together afterwards.

Best of luck to you, and may you find all you dream of and more.

< Message edited by lexey -- 2/20/2010 9:20:59 AM >

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RE: How do you know if you are ready? - 2/20/2010 1:22:04 PM

atypicalsub

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Very well said dreamer!

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"Do not do anything you are ashamed of, and don't be ashamed of anything you do"
(although I'm sure my bio-family wishes I did less and was ashamed of more)

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