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tricianeeds -> input please (2/20/2010 5:31:57 PM)
my Master and i have been together for 3 1/2 years. He went thru a horrible divorce four years ago and had a really hard time trusting people again, in fact He still does. we have talked about marriage but lately He seems to be pulling back from me. lately when i mention coming to see Him he doesn't seem interested in talking about it or says we'll talk about it later. i hate to push the issue but if He's losing interest in me i would rather know it now than later. opinions?

TreasureKY -> RE: input please (2/20/2010 5:42:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tricianeeds my Master and i have been together for 3 1/2 years. He went thru a horrible divorce four years ago and had a really hard time trusting people again, in fact He still does. we have talked about marriage but lately He seems to be pulling back from me. lately when i mention coming to see Him he doesn't seem interested in talking about it or says we'll talk about it later. i hate to push the issue but if He's losing interest in me i would rather know it now than later. opinions? I can understand your frustration, but any kind of pushing is only going to push him away. Reassure him of your desire to be with him then back off and give him some space. If he really wants you, he'll be back.

UniqueRaven -> RE: input please (2/20/2010 5:48:20 PM)
Yes, take the pressure off of the M/s relationship and focus for a while on whatever feeds your soul - learn a skill, play a sport, read a book, volunteer, paint, play an instrument, pet your cat/dog/hamster, organize your closet, write poetry, knit, go jogging, meditate, bake, garden.....whatever brings you joy and helps you re-center. Put off the marriage conversations - they're never going to go anywhere unless he is engaged with you. And try to find peace with the thought that no matter what happens with the two of you as a couple, it is what is meant to be. Good luck to you. [:)]

Lorenzo19 -> RE: input please (2/20/2010 6:05:08 PM)
You seem to think because you are pushing marriage so he is losing interest? just ask him. I cant answer for your Master but I can tell you My feelings about marriage. I was divorced 25 years ago and the ex is still ruining My life 25 years later. What I see about marriage is that it is a contract with the govenment that is about 25,000,000 pages long and is called "Family Law". and 99.9% of it deals with ending the marriage. SOME commitment. nobody reads all that crap except the laywers who get wealthy from divorcing you. Trust has nothing to do with it. If you are commited and love this Man what does a 25 million page contract have to do with it? If you love me you'll sign this contract that would take Him a lifetime to read. If I were Him... Well that's another story.

windchymes -> RE: input please (2/20/2010 6:17:11 PM)
When you say "we" talked about marriage, did "you" bring the subject up or did he? There are two possible scenarios (to me....there might be additional ones): He's feeling pressured to do something he's not ready to do or he's actually considering it and is taking time to get his head around it. If it's the first one, you'll probably feel the distance grow as the days and weeks go by, until you stop hearing from him all together. Or, he might be one of the rare ones who actually contacts you to say it's not working for him anymore, he's decided to move on, and wishes you well. If it's the second, well, lucky you. Pestering him for a commitment may just swing him towards the first scenario. In either case, if you keep bugging him about the relationship, you're probably going to irritate him enough to make him run. He knows now how you feel, so let him have the time and space to decide what he wants to do. If there's been no one but you for the past 3-1/2 years, then the second scenario is a good possibility. The worst thing you could do is try to rush him or pressure him into making a decision. As a wise woman recently told me: Patience is a vulture. (Thanks, J!)

juliaoceania -> RE: input please (2/20/2010 7:09:29 PM)
As many others have said, give it time, back off, and let him be... If you push him at this point you will only seem clingy.. and clingy isn't attractive to most healthy emotionally well people. Reinvest yourself into your life with an open invitation for him to join in if he would like... go be with friends... etc...

DesFIP -> RE: input please (2/20/2010 8:19:29 PM)
You already know he's pulling back, no longer interested in you. Stop clinging and find your self respect. He doesn't want you but there are many people who would love to be involved with you. Grieve the loss of this relationship and next time don't get involved with someone who is in the middle of such grief work as divorce. Pick someone who is already healthy and won't use you to get over a problem, and then dump you when they're ready to move on.

lucylucy -> RE: input please (2/20/2010 9:16:45 PM)
You've gotten solid advice already about backing off and being patient. I just want to address something windchymes said about him maybe not "being ready" for marriage. I would be really careful about thinking about marriage as something he is or isn't "ready" for. As Lorenzo made clear, marriage isn't for everyone. It might make more sense to think of moving the relationship toward a commitment rather than toward marriage. If you frame marriage as something he isn't "ready" for, you put yourself in the position of moving toward marriage as a goal and getting him "ready" for marriage. If he doesn't want to marry again it probably has nothing to do with you. It has to do with his feelings about involving the government in his personal life (like Lorenzo said--and I share those feelings personally) or about his bitter divorce or something else. Don't take it personally. Decide if a deep lifelong commitment is a more mutual goal and if so, work towards that. And if he's not interested in the lifelong commitment and you are, well, then he's not the right man for you. No amount of wishing on your part will change that. Good luck.

thishereboi -> RE: input please (2/20/2010 10:43:10 PM)
That sucks, you should talk to him about it.

Justme696 -> RE: input please (2/20/2010 11:26:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tricianeeds my Master and i have been together for 3 1/2 years. He went thru a horrible divorce four years ago and had a really hard time trusting people again, in fact He still does. we have talked about marriage but lately He seems to be pulling back from me. lately when i mention coming to see Him he doesn't seem interested in talking about it or says we'll talk about it later. i hate to push the issue but if He's losing interest in me i would rather know it now than later. opinions? If you like eachother, then marriage doesn't ad a thing. Ask him why he doesn't want to marry. If he gives a good reason, do with out.

MsHValentine -> RE: input please (2/21/2010 12:00:17 AM)
Carry on with your own life. If he's interested, he'll come to you.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: input please (2/21/2010 12:29:44 AM)
He's got intimacy issues, big time. He needs space. Give it to him. Go do your own thing, and have fun being YOU. He's just not that into you, but that's on him. What were the major problems that caused his divorce? Whatever- this man is not your problem to fix, and he's not your project. Give him scads of space, and if you lose interest in someone who really doesn't seem very interested in you, then I'd say you have healthy self-esteem. I wouldn't cry too much over the loss of something that you might never have had, with someone so closed-off.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: input please (2/21/2010 12:50:07 AM)
I'd sincerely give you a big hug and tell you everything is going to be okay. Everything will eventually be okay regardless of whatever happens though. Taking a deep breath here. The best advice I have to offer you is, for you to step back and give him and yourself a little space. I'm not saying pack things in on it, or for you to not give a damn. Just step back a little. Whatever personal issues he's going through he may need a little space and time to sort through. If his Ex from his last marriage pressured or pushed for marriage and he learned to regret it, you pushing things in this department, just might be triggering his own self defenses a little. Even more so, since as you expressed it was a very bad experience for him. Just because he's become withdrawn does not automatically mean he's loosing interest, he may simply be taking a lot of things into deep consideration and thought. One thing I know from all my past experiences, if a relationship reaches a point where everything becomes serious all the time, the beautiful and fun moments tend to slip away. Those times when you simply were alive and free and joking around or doing whatever else. Too much of a heavy heart can take away from being Light Hearted. The simple, easy going moments of enjoyment and relaxing together. I'm sorry, I wish there was some rock solid advice I could give you. Be well

kiwisub12 -> RE: input please (2/21/2010 6:45:11 AM)
Call me crazy but if the OP can't talk to her dom after 3 1/2 years together, then what sort of relationship does she really have? (in reply to the people telling her to leave him alone) Op, if this situation was mine, I would push the issue, hunt him down and ask if there is a major problem in our relationship and if so, what? Like you, I would rather know sooner than later, and be able to go on. I'm assuming that the two of you aren't living together - which would be a whole 'nother kettle of fish. Asking for a bit of honesty isn't wrong, and even if the answer isn't the one she wants, at least it is an answer, not just a void that she projects her own concerns into. If her dom needs a bit of time, then he needs to verbalise this to her so she isn't assuming the worst.

LaTigresse -> RE: input please (2/21/2010 6:53:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tricianeeds my Master and i have been together for 3 1/2 years. He went thru a horrible divorce four years ago and had a really hard time trusting people again, in fact He still does. we have talked about marriage but lately He seems to be pulling back from me. lately when i mention coming to see Him he doesn't seem interested in talking about it or says we'll talk about it later. i hate to push the issue but if He's losing interest in me i would rather know it now than later. opinions? You've jumbled several issues into one. Trust.....after 3 1/2 years he still cannot trust you and you are okay with that? Why would you even entertain marrying someone that does not trust you? You say the two of you have discussed marriage. Who brought the subject up, you or he? If he is retreating from you, it may be because you brought it up. OR he brought it up as some vague future possibility and you grabbed onto it like a starving dog onto a bone. Pushing a vague future possibility into a concrete, time specific probability. Which might explain why he does not want to see you. Desperation is not attractive. Based upon the few sentences you wrote, that's all I've got.

OriginallyFromLA -> RE: input please (2/21/2010 7:14:23 AM)
The soft vanilla coating on me says, the guy just may be going through a rough time trying to juggle things he doesn't want make you deal with, in his own mind he may even think he's protecting you so cut him some slack and be patient and supportive....... But the crunchy, nutty chewy Dom flavored nougat in me says fuck him! I had to learn the hard way and nobody gave me a second chance, so kick his ass to the curb and let him figure out what he's missing after you're gone for good. It's really your choice.

xxblushesxx -> RE: input please (2/21/2010 7:19:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OriginallyFromLA The soft vanilla coating on me says, the guy just may be going through a rough time trying to juggle things he doesn't want make you deal with, in his own mind he may even think he's protecting you so cut him some slack and be patient and supportive....... But the crunchy, nutty chewy Dom flavored nougat in me says fuck him! I had to learn the hard way and nobody gave me a second chance, so kick his ass to the curb and let him figure out what he's missing after you're gone for good. It's really your choice. Oh thanks. Now I want candy...

Madame4a -> RE: input please (2/21/2010 8:50:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tricianeeds my Master and i have been together for 3 1/2 years. He went thru a horrible divorce four years ago and had a really hard time trusting people again, in fact He still does. we have talked about marriage but lately He seems to be pulling back from me. lately when i mention coming to see Him he doesn't seem interested in talking about it or says we'll talk about it later. i hate to push the issue but if He's losing interest in me i would rather know it now than later. opinions? My immediate reaction is that he's probably done, for whatever reason -- you might ask why he's pulling back. In my experience, its the tip of an iceburg. It might not be all about you and your relationship but its clearly having an impact on you. "coming to see him" ... does that mean there's distance and not too much time together? If so, I'd suggest that talking about marriage probably isn't a good idea until you can spend significant time together. Several other things are possible, including him finding someone closer, if you're far away. As a general rule, pushing anyone usually doesn't get what you want. You might just let him be and if he's interested in being with you, he'll let you know. There isn't much here so that's my cut on it, but I'm making a ton of assumptions. Ultimately, you should talk to him and find out what's going on and then TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

OriginallyFromLA -> RE: input please (2/21/2010 8:56:26 AM)
quote: Oh thanks. Now I want candy... Your wish is my command My Dear......No wait, that's backwards... [image]local://upfiles/951204/BAA369967BE949D690BC13F8971F00A8.gif[/image]

lucylucy -> RE: input please (2/21/2010 8:58:07 AM)
After reading the responses you've gotten since I posted last, I had two more thoughts that kind of compete with each other. Thought #1: The relationship may have run its course in 3 1/2 years. Perhaps you two have given each other all you can give each other. My definition of a good relationship is one in which each party brings out the best in the other. Are you two still bringing out the best in each other? Maybe not, and perhaps he's realized that before you have, which would account for his pulling away. Women tend to think every serious relationship must lead toward marriage. I think this blinds us to some of the problems in our relationships. Think about why you want to be married. Is it because of the social approval? The financial benefits? A desire to start a family? Whatever it is, figure out how much of it has to do with HIM and how much of it has to do with a simple drive to be married. I think women often marry the "wrong" man because they want so badly to be married. I think it makes more sense to make "a healthy fulfilling relationship" the goal to move towards rather than marriage. Marriage may or may not happen and if it does, it's no guarrantee of a healthy fulfilling relationship. At its most basic, it's simply a legal agreement. I personally have no need for that, but I do have a need for a healthy fulfilling relationship. Thought #2: quote: ORIGINAL: tricianeeds i hate to push the issue but if He's losing interest in me i would rather know it now than later. opinions? You DO know it now. Move on.

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