Downshifting....suggestions????

Downshifting....suggestions???? (Full Version)

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mistoferin -> Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/28/2006 9:13:19 PM)
Due to recent and unexpected illness I find myself in an unfamiliar position. Everyone is saying take care of yourself....it's time to put yourself first. Well, I know this may sound very simple but....how does one go about doing this?....and how does one do it without feeling guilty or worthless? I have always been the one taking care of everyone else. Now don't get me wrong...I do also know how to take care of me but I have never put my own needs BEFORE the needs of those I love and care for. Now I am in a situation where I physically can't take care of all of my own needs and am having to rely on others to help me. No biggie right? Well as I sit watching others prepare meals for me, clean for me, shop for me...sit at my beck and call...the underlying feeling that I am having with it is one of being a burden....of not being useful. A feeling of guilt. Please don't misunderstand....I am more than grateful for all of the help and can't even begin to express how much I appreciate having it. Those helping say to me that it's simply my turn and that I have always been there for everyone else....so I need to learn to accept my limitations and the help offered me. I don't know why I have this need to be so self sufficient. Even my doctor, who has never met me before this emergency, has made commentary on my "chronic overachieving behavior" and has remarked that although he is truly amazed at the speed of my recovery thus far has had to remind me that recovery is not a race. I am being told that my recovery is going to be a very long process and to complicate matters I will have to undergo more major surgery in about six months, at which point I should be just healed enough from this surgery. So this is not just a passing thing and I will have to find a place where I can become more comfortable with putting my needs first. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated on how to make this transition.

BitaTruble -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/28/2006 9:20:21 PM)
Just wanted to send a quick note of welcome back.. I have to run, but will read this in depth later. Celeste

starymists -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/28/2006 9:22:38 PM)
Putting your own needs before anyone elses is indeed a tough proposition. I guess the way I would handle it is to simply know that in order to serve to the best of my ability in the long term, I have to first get well, so in a sense, by taking care of your physical needs, and allowing others to help you is a major form of service. Because over the long term, you will be able to return to your former level of service. Without taking the proper time to rest, and heal, you will not be able to serve him as well in the future. Service isn't about what ~we~ as submissives want to do. Its doing what we are told to do, whether we like it or not. So if you need to get better, and you need to rely on others to do that, you're serving, not yourself, not your wants, not in the capacity that you want to serve in, but you are still serving. While I've not had that particular problem per se, there have been times where I have had to put my needs first. It's one of the things my Dominant has been working with me on. If I'm tired and he picks up on that, I can get in trouble. I have a bedtime, which regardless of what else might be going on, has to be observed so I can serve at my best the next day. I also had a traumatic incident last summer, and I had to rely on my Dominant and my friends to get me through. Which meant changing the way my Dominant and I played for a period of time, changing the schedule to make extra time for me to talk, etc. No, it really wasnt comfortable, but it needed to be done because I wouldn't be serving as I am now until that was resolved. I hope you get well soon and I hope it gets easier for you in the interm hugs Tessa

ExistentialSteel -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/28/2006 9:23:41 PM)
First, good luck with your medical problems. In times like that, where you have lots of energy, yet, can't do your old activities, you have to find alternative things to do. Reading, writing, researching something? Whatever interests you. Jump into nonphysical activity to the point where it relaxes your worries about your medical condition and physical inactivity.

MLadyAstraea -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/28/2006 9:40:58 PM)
I know that this is not an easy thing to accomplish. To learn to lay back and let others do for you can be very hard. I have always been a go ahead take charge person and had to have 6 surgeries in 8 months. 3 of the surgeries were for a brain tumor and a resulting infection. I had been a nurse for several years on a head trauma floor. I only tell you this to make my position understandable. I then had to have speech therapy and physical therapy. Almost 4 yrs later I still cannot work or regain a lot of my organizational skills, or reading ability. I can only say that the resulting change in my life was hard. I couldn't even drive myself any place for along time. I felt as if I was not the same person that I used to be. I had to redefine who I (thought) was. It took time to be accepting of others doing for me. Sometimes, it was learning acceptance that others weren't helping with the things that I really needed help with ( I became very bitchy about that). For me it was mostly just accepting that this is the way it is, and that 'it is more blessed to receive than to give ' - boy was that hard to take with grace. I enjoyed many yrs were I helped others. Now I couldn't even keep my check book straight. A young lady offered to come over every week and help me with the bills. I learned that when I quit thinking about what I had lost - my independence etc. that I also gained something else. I made many new friends and just as I helped many out in the past (and received joy and satisfaction from it) now I needed to allow others to receive the same. By just focusing in on how others were helping me I learned joy from others being of service to me. I don't know if I have made myself clear or not, or wether this helps or not. But I do understand and emphathize with you. I will pray for you and hope all goes well, and that you can find a way to make this a journey into a new place for you. In the end I will bet that you find a way to continue to help others albeit in a different fashion then you do now. Physical inability to do for yourself and others does not negate the fact that you can still be there for others in different ways. I would love to hear from you about your progress. I have a feeling you are a very wonderful women if others around you are so willing to step in and help you through this trial of yours. Good Luck LadyAstraea

BeachMystress -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/28/2006 9:55:39 PM)
I had always been one who was quick to do for myself. It's easier to just DO it than to explain it to someone else. When I started keeping subs, it was a radical change for me. I must admit to a period of feeling silly and useless in the process of learning to let others "do for me." One of the things to focus on, is that these people want to help you. You are pleasing them by accepting them doing things for you. Convalescence is hard. You already have the desire to be up and about your normal life. The only time I feel "guilty" about being waited on anymore is when I CAN'T do for myself. It's a helpless feeling. The added stress of feeling guilty isn't really good for you. Try to turn it around to a positive. The only one who can do that for you, is you. Think of this as a growth phase and try to embrace people "doing for you." You are well worth it, ya know. Glad to see you back on the boards. I wish you a speedy and happy recovery!

mnottertail -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/28/2006 9:58:08 PM)
OK, dipshit. You fuckin' cakk and what good are you to anybody. Remember love, the words of Peter O'Toole...... I get all my exercise going to the funerals of my friends that died exercising........ So, I know people out there think that this is hard ass............. You ain't worth a fuck dead. What will be carved on your gravestone? And like you must have been told the day you walked in the door............ Know your limitations, do not do this or that if you are incapable. I love you for what you are, not because you can wash the fucking dishes......... You know what I am saying Erin......... BE fuckin' HAVE! Ron

ownedgirlie -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/28/2006 10:02:45 PM)
First, welcome back....and i wish you well in your recovery. i'll share a story in case it helps. my situation was not one of illness, but a different circumstance. Like you, i was the one who always did for others. i was (and am) the one family & friends call when they need help. Two days before i was scheduled to move - - to leave a husband of 17 years (horrifically stressful), i fell. Severely twisted one foot and landed on my opposite knee, tearing it open. i couldn't walk very well for 3 days. i sat on a chair with both feet up, watching friends & family lifted boxes and do EVERYTHING for me. It was horrible! A few days later i bought a table from a thrift shop and realized i had no way of getting it to my new little apartment. i had to actually pick up the phone and call for help. i called my cousin. i realized i couldn't ask for help. i cried and told her "i'm supposed to be the strong one, here!" She proceeded to lecture me, telling me how selfish i was, that for as much as i've helped her out, now i am denying her the fulfillment of giving back. She told me to join the rest of humanity and let people help me when i am in need. And then she told me how she'd be showing up the next morning with a borrowed truck and we'd go get my new table. (it might have been used, but it was new to me). i shared this because what she said hit home. i am fulfilled when i can help someone else. i forget that others may actually enjoy helping me, too. i am (and you are) no less deserving to receive help than those we help. Once you can accept that others enjoy giving to you, and it's okay to be vulnerable like that, you will feel much more peaceful. i do wish you the best.

NeedToUseYou -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/28/2006 11:16:04 PM)
I agree with the others so far. Always being the giver as odd as it sounds is a form of selfish behaviour. Everyone wants to be the hero every now and then. Especially for someone who has helped them in the past. No one wants to take all the time, maybe most of the time, but not all the time. Look at this way after this is all done, I'm sure they will be all the more willing to ask you for help, because to them the balance was restored.

BitaTruble -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/28/2006 11:32:46 PM)
Lots of good advice already.. I'll just add.. love yourself.. allow others to love you.. and just say thank you. You'll be back on your feet and take over the reins when your body is ready ... just give yourself the time to heal. Take care.. Celeste

IronBear -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/28/2006 11:44:17 PM)
Sweet erin, There are candles burning for you from when I heard you were not well… Neets and I send love.. I used to teach First Aid Officers and later Security Officers as well as my own teams.. Don’t be the next casualty. You can do nothing for anybody if you are dead.. Hun I had a good friend kick my ass recently after a couple of medical reports weren’t good and it was found that to take care of Neets pain wise I stopped taking my tablets so she could get hers… (It’s just what I do for those I love).. I was asked something which had be sitting back and really thinking.. “Do you want Neets (insert who you wish here) to believe that you didn’t love her enough to fight to stay alive and spend more time with her????”

brightspot -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/29/2006 2:16:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin Due to recent and unexpected illness I find myself in an unfamiliar position. Everyone is saying take care of yourself....it's time to put yourself first. Well, I know this may sound very simple but....how does one go about doing this?....and how does one do it without feeling guilty or worthless? I have always been the one taking care of everyone else. Now don't get me wrong...I do also know how to take care of me but I have never put my own needs BEFORE the needs of those I love and care for. Now I am in a situation where I physically can't take care of all of my own needs and am having to rely on others to help me. No biggie right? Well as I sit watching others prepare meals for me, clean for me, shop for me...sit at my beck and call...the underlying feeling that I am having with it is one of being a burden....of not being useful. A feeling of guilt. Please don't misunderstand....I am more than grateful for all of the help and can't even begin to express how much I appreciate having it. Those helping say to me that it's simply my turn and that I have always been there for everyone else....so I need to learn to accept my limitations and the help offered me. I don't know why I have this need to be so self sufficient. Even my doctor, who has never met me before this emergency, has made commentary on my "chronic overachieving behavior" and has remarked that although he is truly amazed at the speed of my recovery thus far has had to remind me that recovery is not a race. I am being told that my recovery is going to be a very long process and to complicate matters I will have to undergo more major surgery in about six months, at which point I should be just healed enough from this surgery. So this is not just a passing thing and I will have to find a place where I can become more comfortable with putting my needs first. Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated on how to make this transition. It would maybe be nice mist..you have someone warn us something is wrong and you are in the hospital and now you are here writing of your plight . Maybe explain to us... the people who you supposidly trust enough to lock their brain into your bait.... to be forth coming and let us now what is going on. Don't Cha' Think? *Brightspot

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/29/2006 3:13:18 AM)
Erin, You know we're close enough to come up there again... and will if we think you are over doing, and you know that. Scooter has already said as much. We almost lost you once... let's not do that again.. ok? Be a good girl and do as you are told. See, it isn't that hard... it's just different... you're still "serving", only this time you are obeying the doctor.... and several of your friends too.

ivorylace -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/29/2006 4:14:59 AM)
First remember you are not worthless, you are healing! Next... WITHIN the limitations the doc has given you, make something fun for those helping out. I know not very D/s but what the heck. Are you crafty? Maybe make them something Do you draw? Same thing make them a picture. Can you sit for awhile? Ask if you can fold their laundry or something. All in all, keep yourself as busy as you can under the limitations you have been given. When you finally get the all clear from the doc.........cook them each one hell of a meal and thank them. Count your blessings that others love you and wish to now give back what you have given to them right along. Get better, my prayers are with you. ~ lace

sweetpleaser -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/29/2006 4:17:08 AM)
It's good to hear you are on the road to recovery. I remember you from when I was on this site a year ago, you always helped so many people here. You are such a good person. I agree with the others that you need to let someone else be the hero for a change. I have always been the caregiver as well but my sister is the one who taught me to just say "thank you" even when I feel uncomfortable and eventually it gets easier to let others hellp. Take care Erin.

kyraofMists -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/29/2006 4:21:01 AM)
Welcome back to the boards and I hope everything goes well for you. Many years ago I heard this statement and it really clicked for me, maybe it will help. Simply, if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be capable of taking care of anyone else. Knight's kyra

sultryvoice -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/29/2006 5:39:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists Simply, if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be capable of taking care of anyone else. I think this quote says it all..I am the same way you are but the difference is, I have to do for myself as many just forget about me. There is always an excuse. My daughter has finally decided to take some responsibility. Last December, the week before Christmas, I fell very ill. I wouldn't go to the doctor. My daughter pushed and pushed me to go. Finally, I was in so much pain, she and her bf picked me up and took me. I am feeling good now and being the person I am.(good or not, depends on who says...lol)..I am back to helping and glad I listened. Just take care of yourself and you will be back to what you do best. That is the way to go. Let others do for you and you will make it up to them at a later date, if you choose to. Respectfully, sultry

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/29/2006 5:41:02 AM)
quote: Well, I know this may sound very simple but....how does one go about doing this? Same way you change any behavior. Make a plan of attack for the things you can control and continue to remind yourself why you do it. quote: and how does one do it without feeling guilty or worthless? I have no idea. That's like asking how do you do poly without feeling jealous? For me it's just there and you deal with it as it is. You accept that it's there, you accept that it's your own insecurities and your own selfish need to be important and your own ego needing to force you to do something rather than heal in the long term. You admit it, and you move on, whether it's still with you or not- it won't be controlling you. Again, make a plan of attack, remind yourself of the things you CAN do, and ride the feelings out, don't let them control you. I also highly recommend listening to and crying over Alanis Morissettes "I would be good" from her Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie album many times. That's a great song for anyone who's dealing with a blow to their sense of self.

Halcyone -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/29/2006 5:50:19 AM)
Having recently recovered from a long illness (I say recovered but some days that feels more like wishful thinking than others!), the only advice I have to give you is to find different ways of doing for those you care about. This allowed me to channel my need (sometimes my compulsion) to be useful and helpful into doing something that wasn't going to risk my life, as well as distracted me from being tended to, which made me very uncomfortable. In my case, what helped was researching and beginning a new craft project that I could work on even while condemned to bedrest; it's something I'm still working on now that I have more energy and mobility. It's something pretty and made with my own hands, it shows my feelings for Sir, and it also allowed him to weigh in with advice and instructions on what he would like to see from it. While I was leafing through a book on the subject (a book he'd chosen for me) and agonized over designs and materials and this and that, I felt like I was being useful and still serving. It did distract me from the realisation that others were doing for me what I'd always been able to do for myself. Good luck with your recovery!

justjill -> RE: Downshifting....suggestions???? (3/29/2006 6:44:59 AM)
First of all I wish you the absolute best. I was very similar to you. For everybody not just my Master I like to do things for people to make their lives easier and asking for a favor was one of the hardest things for me to do. I was diagnose with ovarian cancer that pretty much knocked me out of life for most of a year. It was a very horrible feeling seeing my Master, family and friends doing all the things I took pride in doing at first and it definetly affected me emotionally. Eventually, as the people in my life pounded it into my head that the most important thing for them was for me to get healthy. Yes it seems obvious but it still was tough to understand. When it finally sunk into my head, everything got much easier. It was easier to focus on myself and my health knowing that when I got better I could then do all the things that I use to do for people. Just make sure you take your time in your recovery and do not push yourself to help others. Your health is the biggest thing you can give people who care about you. Everything else is trivial.

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