|
DameDarkness -> THE GREAT BEAN INCIDENT (3/28/2006 10:26:07 PM)
|
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When
it became apparent
that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and
gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down
on the way from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband
and told him that I
would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of
baked beans was
more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that
I would walk off any
ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped
at the diner and before
I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked
beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the
gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me
and exclaimed
delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner
tonight." He then
blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner
table. I took a seat and
just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he
returned and went
to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me
and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out
of the room I seized
the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let
one go. It was not
only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck
running over a skunk in front of a pulp mill.
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around
me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three
more. The stink was worse
than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned
to the conversation in
the other room, I went on like this for another few
minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the
end of my freedom,
I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my
napkin, placed it on my
lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
relieved and pleased with
myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when
my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had
peeked through the
blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve
dinner guests seated
around the table chorused:
"Happy Birthday!"
I fainted.
|
|
|
|
