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RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 6:30:43 PM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		Play is all about technique and imagination. We suspend realities for periods of time in the interests of eros and a small escape.

Most girls I have known appreciated a guy able to mix it up and not get into a rut. (Mr "one trick pony" morphs into "Mr. Boring" pretty fast.)

But I find the times for talking are best left out of play time. It's distracting to have someone rattling on at you when she is trying to lose herself in the moment. Have you looked at online tutorials,or have anywhere to go for workshops on basics? I learned most of my skills that way...and over time with various women.

(in reply to ricken)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 7:42:13 PM   
ricken


Posts: 261
Joined: 1/11/2010
Status: offline 		OK...so far from reading the posts, and more thinking I have come up with some answers/observations..
It's ok for us, Me to ask her questions while she is bound. I liked interrogating & I will work on the questions a little so they don't require too much deep thought on her part, maybe I can word the questions to make her hotter...
I know she is not afraid to use her safewords, I will trust her to use them, and remind her that pain is not limited to her wrist hurting too much.
We have grown in our D/s playtime, and our relationship in general. I should relax and not worry
Before we start playtime, I always talk to her about feeling safe, after I always hold her and tell her how important she is, how good she is. After I ALWAYS think about what happened..she says I think too much, while I think it's important I should learn to be a little forgiving of my small errors (asking a couple questions about her ex) because she is.
And in case anyone is wondering, my questioning did not stop her from having a good orgasm....a big reason I do this and think about this is because I love to watch her cum, it's SO intense.


(in reply to Smutmonger)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 2/22/2010 7:59:15 PM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		Telling each other stories and refferences to turn ons are great instructors as well.

Such conspiracies are delightful things.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 3/15/2010 7:17:05 PM   
DomBlade64


Posts: 105
Joined: 3/14/2010
Status: offline 		The past is the past.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 3/16/2010 12:49:07 AM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		Ricken, it sounds as if you're doing a great job...

On the subject of asking questions, there's absolutely nothing wrong with mining a more experienced person for tips, regardless of orientation. She got you into this, and I'm sure she expects you to have some insecurities - let's face it, who hasn't gone into something new without thinking "How am I doing?".

Sounds to me like she's really really pleased with how you're doing and is doing her best to encourage and serve you.

Keep at it, and don't worry

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to DomBlade64)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 3/16/2010 5:01:31 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Ricken, you're asked her what she likes.  You've made her do things to please you.  And you're pushing her.  It all sounds good to me.  Keep it up.



Yup - same from me too.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 3/16/2010 1:54:48 PM   
bliss4us09


Posts: 106
Joined: 3/31/2009
Status: offline 		To be honest, it sounds like you are a bit insecure and do think too much. Why does her previous relationship matter to you? Doesn't sound like she has brought it up - so just live in the present moment.

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 3/16/2010 2:29:18 PM   
ricken


Posts: 261
Joined: 1/11/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bliss4us09

To be honest, it sounds like you are a bit insecure and do think too much. Why does her previous relationship matter to you? Doesn't sound like she has brought it up - so just live in the present moment.


Just as a update....I never asked again, I let it go. Yes I was a little insecure in the beginning, but as some time has passed, both in our relationship and our playtime, I have become more confident.

I read these boards a little, so I think I have learned, I still have more but it all takes time.

We are getting more used to each other, and I am learning how she expresses herself, she isn't much of a talker, now that I have a better uderstanding of that, things are a little easier in my head about our relationship.

(in reply to bliss4us09)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 3/16/2010 8:57:46 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Ask her what she likes and what hits her triggers, not what her ex did (P.S.-Watch real close too-I listen with my eyes).


Make it about her and you and the interaction that occurs between the two of you, not the ghost of a past relationship.
I was brought into BDSM by women with lots more experience than me. Asking questions doesn't make you look less dominant  (But pretending to be something or know something you don't, sure will), it makes you look confident enough in yourself to accept that we all start somewhere and be willing to learn.
There is a vast difference between humility and lack of dominance.


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to ricken)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 3/17/2010 1:10:57 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		One additional point I haven't seen addressed is that often it isn't a submissive may think they dislike something but they disliked it with one person and are surprised to discover they can like it with someone else.

If her ex used spanking for punishment, it would be associated with unhappiness for her. If for you it is for pleasure and fun, she can easily learn to enjoy it with you.  We aren't chameleons per se, but we associate acts with the dominant and what he enjoys. So she can learn to enjoy stuff with you simply because you enjoy it, no matter that she hated it with the ex.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 3/17/2010 2:18:58 PM   
willowspirit


Posts: 164
Joined: 6/20/2005
From: U.S.A.-Minnesota
Status: offline 		Agreeing with a lot of the comments so far.

When I am asked questions during a scene, I often go brain-numb.
Sometimes just regular, normal non-scene conversation with my Dominants (past relationships) put me into such a very heady sub-space that it made words impossible.

As a submissive female, I often don't have any desires other than to see Him enjoying himself with me.

I depend so much on the dynamics of the relationship, that asking me what I like is almost an incomprehensible concept.

Then there are those times when I recall a past experience, how something wasn't right, and I fear it going wrong again. Then I learn, to my surprize, that this time it went marvelously.

The only advice I can give you is to get your "energy" right... whatever that means...

Can SomeBody help me explain this ?

(in reply to ricken)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 4/8/2010 3:35:39 PM   
reynardfox


Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline 		ask a sub about their past?  DON'T!!!!
What on earth has it got to do with you?

(in reply to ricken)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 4/8/2010 3:55:38 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Ummm.... fox, Let's see... Oh yes, it has created the person his partner is? You know 50% of the relationship...

Anyway,
to the OP:

I don't know..... being unable to move and my partner coming up and whispering in my ear... "do you like this baby? Hmmm? Do you want me to stop" is EXACTLY gonna be the thing that trips my trigger (watches all the M-types madly scrambling to take notes )... It's going to be embarassing and make me all wiggly in a good way.

Ok, gotta go to work now... dang.

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 4/8/2010 3:56:30 PM >

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to reynardfox)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 4/8/2010 4:39:05 PM   
WiseCracknSadist


Posts: 163
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline 		I suppose I practice the gentle fist of Domination. I earn the trust of my subs so when I ask a question they are willing to answer. You took control through power, but at the expense of her trust and made her defensive.

My advice is to back off and earn her trust then ask again. Perhaps sprinkle the questions in different conversations. Stretch em out ask good questions. A happy sub serves better than a beaten dog.

(in reply to ricken)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 4/8/2010 5:00:34 PM   
ricken


Posts: 261
Joined: 1/11/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks for the bump, I hope this helps others...

Fox...As far as asking ANYONE about their past, sorry if I'm gettig involved I want to know, of course it takes time to learn somethings, but at our age, time is too valuable to wait, we had the STD talk on like our second real date (we knew each other causally for some time befor) we talked about ex's mine and hers, why things didn't work, and what was good. I think sometimes people reach a point where they say "this is what I want, this is what I got...you OK with that?" As much as people say they have none, we all got baggage. It's nice to find someone with matchig luggage

Sunshine...just so you know, we haven't had a session in a little while, because of a few other issues, but one thig I have worked o since this post is my "interogation (sp) techniques" she gets a little drippy...

Wise....If you read the first post and follow the few answers SHE introduced me,so by that defination I believe she gave up her power, she has never said "enough". And when not wearing a collar, this is a very strong willed smart lady, I cant force that one to do ANYTHING. This is what WE enjoy, collar on, that slut bitch is mine for whatever I want. I don't think there is any trust issue here.

(in reply to WiseCracknSadist)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 4/10/2010 7:45:12 PM   
TSOwner4U


Posts: 1
Joined: 5/2/2009
From: Portland metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		Ask her about her fantasies, desires, and pleasure.  Her knowledge and desires will include what she learned in her past. Don't get into the details of past Domme/Doms that can lead to comparisons, fears, and expectations. You need to guide your sub into the place where you enjoy using him/her and in ways that you enjoy training him/her.

Let your imagination come alive and enjoy the moment. Take him/her to the limit, and push that limit over and over. Pay attention and you'll find out what really sends your sub over the top into sub space, where you are the Owner and Master.

(in reply to ricken)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 4/10/2010 8:45:06 PM   
poeticfreak


Posts: 80
Joined: 6/1/2008
Status: offline 		Insecurity is only a weakness if you let it control you.  from your original post is seems that you were aware of your insecurities and kept them in check.  You were asking the right questions, though as someone else said there may have been a better time and place to ask them, but that really depends on the individual.  Being new, you're going to hear a lot of things from a lot of people, but for what it's worth, my view is that being a Top/Dom, or whatever you decide to call yourself involves a measure of responsibility.it's not just because you're the most selfish bastard in the room that someone chose to serve you(though that does make for a good fantasy)

< Message edited by poeticfreak -- 4/10/2010 8:46:19 PM >

_____________________________

I have believed the best of every man. And find that to believe is enough to make a bad man show him at his best, or even a good man swings his lantern higher.- yeats

(in reply to TSOwner4U)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 4/10/2010 8:47:47 PM   
DWCskitten


Posts: 199
Joined: 3/2/2010
Status: offline 		You didn't ask questions to compare Him to You, so i don't think You did anything wrong. Comparison questions are always kind of weird but, otherwise, i've never had any problems with Someone asking me about my "past." We're all big boys and girls, and everyone has one, unless they're a virgin. lol

~kitten~

_____________________________

formerly sweetsub1957.

New beginnings...my first poly relationship.

Proudly Owned property of MasterDWC.


(in reply to ricken)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Asking a more exp sub about her past - 4/27/2010 1:33:30 PM   
dragon200070


Posts: 93
Joined: 2/9/2010
Status: offline 		Questions are just fine, even necessary. Enhance your experience by reading; BDSM 101, etc. Also read online forums.

Jeff

(in reply to ricken)
Profile   Post #: 39
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