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Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 1:25:00 PM   
MissBeautiful2U


Posts: 98
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline 		Ok, so we all know that the internet is what it is and you can be anyone you want to be on it.  People lie about big things and little things.  There are honest and very dishonest people all with varying motivations.  It is "buyer beware".  *grinning*

But when it comes to a relationship, what can one do in order to be certain a potential partner is single?  I am writing this because I just learned today that the last two serious boyfriends I had were both involved with someone else the entire time... and both times I learned by being contacted by the girl.  You can imagine how betrayed this made me feel.  Let me emphasize before I get torn up over this, I had NO knowledge that I was not the only girlfriend.  With the last idiot, I even had a key to his place and was told I was free to stop by anytime.  I guess it was because the other girl lived too far away for her to randomly stop by.

Things I have thought of:

1. Call randomly just to say hi.
2. Make sure you meet friends within a reasonable time. (didn't with bf 1: that was a year long, did with bf 2)
3. Hold off on physical intimacy for a fair amount of time... most players will move on.


I did that stuff with bf 2 and was still duped... granted I got a feeling he was cheating towards the end of part 1 of our relationship... but I had no clue that there was someone else the entire time.

I just don't want to be in this position again.  I know the old adage, if it happens once, it's the other guy.  If it happens more than once, it's you.... or at least you've done something to contribute.  I want to be able to trust again because I want a healthy relationship... but I need to be better prepared.
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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 1:31:46 PM   
OriginallyFromLA


Posts: 87
Joined: 2/10/2010
Status: offline
quote:

With the last idiot,


Who's the idiot?

I don't even think like that any more. I EXPECT the other person to have another boyfriend/partner/lover/ whatever and it's my job to be the best. If I'm not, well, I deserve what I get.

If you are calling to check up on him you may as well end it there because now it's not fun anymore.

< Message edited by OriginallyFromLA -- 2/22/2010 1:32:17 PM >

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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 1:34:20 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissBeautiful2U

I just don't want to be in this position again.  I know the old adage, if it happens once, it's the other guy.  If it happens more than once, it's you.... or at least you've done something to contribute. 



Not necessarily.  Some people are so skilled at deception that they couldn't live their life any other way.  I would hardly say that the person being cheated on always makes a contribution to that situation. 

Cali


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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 1:41:56 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		There was a really good thread not too long ago in the submissive section with pointers on how to help detect if the person you are dealing with is involved with someone else.  I am unsure of the thread title, so maybe someone out there could point you to it.

In the meantime, there are a couple of things that I use that tend to weed out those who aren't especially being honest about being involved with someone else.  One of those is that I tell everyone up front that My method of meeting people is going to involve public BDSM.  Another is that I'm very specific about being a sadist.  If I play with someone, there is a very high probability that they are going to have at least temporary marks on them, and they are going to be in places that aren't exactly easy to explain to the wife.  (Sure, honey.  If fell down repeatedly on My ass.  Funny how all of the bruises look like little lines.)  Between the two, I don't run into the problem much.


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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 1:49:15 PM   
HisSub1213


Posts: 219
Joined: 11/3/2008
Status: offline 		I've gotten in the habit of running a background check (with permission of course) on anyone I may be involved with. Its fairly easy through work to get the basics, i.e. marital status, employment check just the basics.

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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 1:49:24 PM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline 		http://www.ehow.com/about_4565626_strange-witch-tests.html

The sink test involved tying rocks to the accused and placing them in water. If they sank, they were proclaimed innocent. If they floated, they were pronounced a witch(liar), and were then hanged. Unfortunately with this test, even if you were innocent you still drowned and never had a chance to live as an innocent person.


Tested and works!


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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 1:56:39 PM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		I don't usually like self-help books, but The Sociopath Next Door and Never Be Lied to Again were quite eye opening for me.

I would also say that if you suspect something doesn't add up, don't hold out hope that you're just being silly and keep convincing yourself that you need one more piece of evidence that he's a cad.

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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 3:18:10 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

There was a really good thread not too long ago in the submissive section with pointers on how to help detect if the person you are dealing with is involved with someone else.  I am unsure of the thread title, so maybe someone out there could point you to it.

In the meantime, there are a couple of things that I use that tend to weed out those who aren't especially being honest about being involved with someone else.  One of those is that I tell everyone up front that My method of meeting people is going to involve public BDSM.  Another is that I'm very specific about being a sadist.  If I play with someone, there is a very high probability that they are going to have at least temporary marks on them, and they are going to be in places that aren't exactly easy to explain to the wife.  (Sure, honey.  If fell down repeatedly on My ass.  Funny how all of the bruises look like little lines.)  Between the two, I don't run into the problem much.



I remembered that thread too and can't for the life of me remember what it was called. Well, I don't think this was mentioned on that thread but to expand on the idea of meeting the wife (or husband) just meeting family in general. Mom, Dad, kids, relatives, it's all a sign you are being open and wanting to include the new person in with what's important to you. Friends can sometimes cover for a cheater but family usually wouldn't want to be involved with something like that.

Obviously this isn't like an instant detection method because you have to get fairly close to someone before they'd consider doing the family thing but it's still something that I've looked for in the past.

One other thing that can help and wasn't mentioned before (I think). I peeked at your profile it doesn't mention anywhere that you are looking for someone single or if it did then I missed it. When I was looking I have found that putting right up front that I am looking for a single man and then asking again in any introductory emails that are written makes it obvious that it is important to me. It still wouldn't stop anyone who seriously wanted to delude me as to his status but at least he'd understand that it was important to me and I'll be looking for signs that he isn't what he says he is. In other words he'd have to work harder at lying to someone like me. That might help- to denote that you are looking for someone of single status and asking after that little particular when you meet people.

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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 3:23:43 PM   
rockspider


Posts: 633
Joined: 9/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

http://www.ehow.com/about_4565626_strange-witch-tests.html

The sink test involved tying rocks to the accused and placing them in water. If they sank, they were proclaimed innocent. If they floated, they were pronounced a witch(liar), and were then hanged. Unfortunately with this test, even if you were innocent you still drowned and never had a chance to live as an innocent person.


Tested and works!


Well that is an old danish way of doing it and was aproved by the catholic church, exept they werent hanged, but burned at the stake. I do believe it is illegal in our days. Must be something about these rules about airpolution or polution of our lakes.
Actually we still celebrate on Sct. Hans (midsummerfestival) where the witch is put on top of the bonfire. I did offer the ex wife a broom for the ceremony but sadly enough she declined

(in reply to Icarys)
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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 3:27:25 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissBeautiful2U

But when it comes to a relationship, what can one do in order to be certain a potential partner is single?

You date one who is.

Seriously, I don't put up with having to suffer unnecessary baggage-related tests and check-ups because of issues someone has had with their previous experiences/decisions.

Unless you find yourself an awfully lenient and meek partner who's willing to handle it, it's a bit of an insult to have one's own integrity put into jeopardy because of someone else's actions.

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 2/22/2010 3:29:26 PM >

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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 3:51:21 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I guess I am just guillable - it wouldn't occur to me to consider that someone might lie about their marital status - or any other status. Then again, I have only had one date in 10 years and have been living with him ever since. seems i recall a saying about a fire and a pot or a pan????

In the long run liars tend to trip themselves up with their story lines - they get tangled! I would hate for you to have to wait that long, but how else are you going to find them out?

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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 4:06:47 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Just ask.

believe  me if you get controlling you wont have any guy worth having.

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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 6:15:23 PM   
MissBeautiful2U


Posts: 98
Joined: 12/5/2008
Status: offline 		The issue is more with long-term relationships... it was more than clear that I expected his faithfulness. 

But you are correct, I suppose I need to be more clear... the thing is my profile is mainly centered on finding a sub/slave and the intent was that I would work through the issues in the relationship with jackass that had arisen as of late and share the sub/slave.  I was very clear with those I spoke with about that.

My profile wasn't set up looking for a relationship in the sense of boyfriend/future husband potentially.

*shrug*

It's still hurting, but as a wise lady wrote me tonight: it's not the loss of the relationship I am mourning, it is the loss of the image I had of him.  Clearly he was not who I thought he was and therefore not really who I wanted, no matter how good he smelled or how much I thought I wanted him.  I don't want someone who will cheat on another period.

I just don't ever want to find my way into that position again either.

*sigh*

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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 6:22:01 PM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		Spend 200 bucks on a private detective. He'll cut through the bs right away.

And background checks for marriage certificates,credit history and a criminal record are NOT expensive-and will point to other red flags you may want to avoid.

< Message edited by Smutmonger -- 2/22/2010 6:23:14 PM >

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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 7:19:11 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Ask for references.  Ask for the first meet to be at a local BDSM club.  Good chance if he's a fraud that he'll refuse to meet where he's known.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 7:23:49 PM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		I've never known anyone to give a bad refference from a past partner. Being part of a kink community is no judge of good charachter.

Ask around.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Ask for references.  Ask for the first meet to be at a local BDSM club.  Good chance if he's a fraud that he'll refuse to meet where he's known.


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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 7:33:31 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I've heard of some Doms that refused to give references.  It's not only the references themselves, but how someone handles the request.

Being afraid to meet in the kink community could be a sign of bad character.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

I've never known anyone to give a bad refference from a past partner. Being part of a kink community is no judge of good charachter.

Ask around.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Ask for references.  Ask for the first meet to be at a local BDSM club.  Good chance if he's a fraud that he'll refuse to meet where he's known.







_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 7:40:14 PM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		There are also people of good charachter who have simply burned out on the political bs in a particular area.
Not everyone has a desire to be "out".

But the ego centric often seem to cultivate a "them or us" attitude. I've seen some of the worst abusers possible in the "community" guy. But many of them slip through the cracks by kissing ass. So you still have no guarantee of not hooking up with a sociopath-by just going to a play party or a munch.

Her origional idea is pretty much the best-patience.

It DOES weed out the players-both in the dungeon-and out.


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I've heard of some Doms that refused to give references.  It's not only the references themselves, but how someone handles the request.

Being afraid to meet in the kink community could be a sign of bad character.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

I've never known anyone to give a bad refference from a past partner. Being part of a kink community is no judge of good charachter.

Ask around.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Ask for references.  Ask for the first meet to be at a local BDSM club.  Good chance if he's a fraud that he'll refuse to meet where he's known.









< Message edited by Smutmonger -- 2/22/2010 7:41:13 PM >

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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 8:05:18 PM   
johninknox


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/22/2010
Status: offline 		According to statistics I've seen, most cheaters are never caught (in fact, most are never even suspected), and anywhere from 20-50% of married men cheat at least once during their lives (as well as a fair number of women). People who are happy in their relationship are no less likely to cheat than people who are unhappy. For whatever it may be worth, the moral of the story is that you're in good company.

Beyond what others have suggested, I would recommend looking for someone who seems genuinely interested in the well-being of others, in other areas of their life. (Perhaps they've chosen a "helping" sort of career, or volunteer regularly, or you've seen them make sacrifices for others or for the sake of integrity, or they live out a commitment to a particular spiritual or philosophical path that involves caring for others, etc.) But I'm guessing that all that can do is improve your odds.

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RE: Detecting Liars? - 2/22/2010 8:09:06 PM   
JonnieBoy


Posts: 1468
Joined: 4/22/2009
From: Cymru
Status: offline 		Well, I never cheated in my life. I've been seeing two women at the same time, twice ... and did so honestly and openly, though I could have "cheated" since I was based between two places at the time. (Actually, the cheating option would probably have been less hassle in hindsight, but I'm not that way inclined)

I'm dead honest, so my caution, before you risk too much "checking"/stalking, is you be honest with any potential partner about you having had your fingers burnt, it's like Hunky says, Just ask and if you explain why, any good man would understand, maybe even ... make themselves a little more available to help you get a little confidence ? I know I've done that.
I've had a lovely thing going before and fucked it straight off when the suspicious behaviour crept out over time ... I don't accept stalking and neither should I, because I don't cheat.

Pirate

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