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porcelaine -> RE: Jealousy/ Possessivness? (5/15/2010 8:55:20 AM)
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brattykajira,
I believe there's a big difference between situational jealousy and those that possess the trait and demonstrate it in other areas of their lives. For some, it's a constant and for others certain scenarios bring it out. As for possessiveness, no matter how people spin it, we all experienced the mine zone as children. In a healthy home you learned how to share and developed the understanding that sharing didn't negate your claim or remove the fact that the article belonged to you. Hopefully you were also taught that it was unnecessary to constantly reiterate your ownership. But that usually went to smithereens when you felt that item was being ill treated or stood the chance of being so, or someone wanted to take it from you.
When you apply that to a relationship you'll get apples and oranges. As the thread has shown, both traits manifest themselves differently in everyone. For some, the idea of harboring either is abhorrent. Other people recognize and readily admit each have taken up residence at some juncture. While I have never been a jealous person, I have had people in my life that were quite adamant about sharing me. It wasn't limited to relationships, I saw the same behaviors in friendships too. That inevitably led me back to myself, because the coincidences were too plentiful to ignore. I attracted and nurtured those bonds for a reason. Now the idea of doing that seems strange.
In terms of my relationships, especially those involving a power exchange, much of what is stated doesn't apply. it isn't because neither entity can manifest itself in the partnership, I'm merely wise enough to realize they don't belong there. Perhaps I've learned to ask the larger question - what do these feelings stem from? Or maybe I've been put in my place frequently enough where the conditioning has taken root. I will never possess him. I can say he's mine and swoon with loving abandon. But theoretically, he isn't something I can stake a claim upon. I can admit the idea of someone encroaching upon our space might stimulate certain feelings, including some related to fear and insecurity. It's up to him to figure out how that would be handled. But I can't go as far to state that it isn't happening. That's a right I do not have in the context of my pairings.
Which brings me to crux of all of this. The context is where I usually return to. In the grand scheme of things, I consider if whatever I'm feeling is bigger than we are. Have I made a molehill a giant mountain shaped mirage, or is there some genuine validity to what I'm feeling? What drives the need to possess on my end? Is it based on an experience that has impacted me negatively within our relationship or something I've endured in the past that's been transferred to this situation? What's the cost of maintaining the behavior? Has it begun to erode us and create problems in areas where none existed? How does it impact my submission? Have I backtracked anywhere or closed off myself in some way?
And finally, what's the payoff? My behavior is part of a larger machine that's spinning in the background. What am I maintaining by continuing down this path, and what do I stand to lose if I fail to stop? When I look at the situation from those angles and answer honestly, I often realize nothing is worth the consequences I could face. It is far from win/win and the losses keep climbing with every instance.
You reach a point in your life where you can't wait for someone else to tell you to get your act together or knock it off. You have to be adult enough to have that conversation with yourself instead.
~porcelaine
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