Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex?

Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress

Message

LadyAngelika -> Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (2/27/2010 7:31:55 PM)
Important caveat: I'm going to focus on female-male monogamous female-led relationships because they are what I know best but please don't feel limited to discuss other permutations of female-led relationships Much is discussed about kinky play here, and so it should be. But for me, and many others, D/s goes beyond kinky play, outside the bedroom and the play room, and is an integral part of our lives and romantic relationships. I have often referred to the type of relationship that I am looking for as female-led. Being the leader and having the dominant role in a relationship is what feels most natural to me. That said, I have to often debunk some of the common misconceptions of what this means. For example, this does not mean that a boy will be kept in a cage all day. Nor does it mean that he will necessarily kept in a chastity device all the time. To me, these are again examples or highly sexually charged activities and have nothing to do with the essence of a relationship. For me, a female-led relationship is one in which I, as the woman, takes the lead. Does this mean I make all the decisions, no. Rather, taking the lead is about planning and steering the relationship, not running it single-handedly. It is about consulting and motivating one's partner. It is about ensuring that everyone's strengths are leveraged to make the relationship work at its best. As far as I know, very few men are prepared for this mentally for a true female-led relationship and/or really desire it. I have met many sexually submissive men, but not many who truly desire to find one woman that they can trust and hold in high enough esteem to be submissive to in their relationship. I think of my last partner. He realised that I was a busy woman and so helped me out in many possible ways. He would chauffeur me around when I had to run errands, always carried my parcels for me, such a gentleman that way. He knew I was great with logistics so always trusted me when I planned something, not trying to take control over these things. It was his submissive and subservient nature to want to ensure my pleasure and comfort. He would voice his opinion on what he wanted, but always defaulted to "whatever my Lady wants". There was so much more. I'd like to hear from other Dommes who are in or seek this type of romantic female-led committed relationship and how it manifests itself beyond kinky sex, or of course from men who are involved in them. - LA

AAkasha -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (2/27/2010 7:53:59 PM)
What you describe is very much like my primary relationship. I think to outsiders, we look like a fairly "equal" couple (I'm not bossy or demanding and he does not come off as 'pussy whipped'), but I am the breadwinner with the career and he's more domestic. He does support me a lot in my career and my business though. In our dynamic, I always have the final say in everything. I get what I want. He's generally going to ask for my permission to do things if it's not clear what I may say; I never ask him for permission, but I will often ask for his opinion. There are many areas of our relationship where he's more knowledgable - like financial planning. So he will tell me things like "it's not a good idea to buy that, we shouldn't do it, and here's why," and generally I will take his word for it. But if I want something, like a vacation planned at a time when he thinks we should save, he will defer to my choice, and not sulk. He will never resent my decision making or sulk. But he'll tell me if I am making what he views as an irrational or emotional decision. To me, it's very amazing how well we can make this work, where he's totally proactive, has a very strong voice, but just knows when it's time for me to have my way. We rarely disagree on things. He has a very good skill at making me see things his way and I know when I am making a "not great" decision based on compulsion (like buying a $300 purse when I have 10 more just like it). Sexually, I am 100% in charge. He may ask for sex, ask for relief, or remind me how many days it's been since he's had relief. I just make the decision on our intimacy based on my mood. On the other hand, I get sexual pleasure at my whim, no matter what else he has going on. When it comes to S&m, he lets me set the pace and succumbs to my urges as they cycle. It falls into the same category as sex that way. Having a proactive "attentive" type man is also critical to me. He doesn't ask me daily, "What should I fix for dinner," he has ideas and presents options. He cleans up without being told. I don't have to nag him and I don't feel like I'm a mother. He has bouts of procrastination but I'm not super anal about things for the most part, and when I get tense or there's a sense of urgency, he snaps into gear pretty fast. My girlfriends wish to clone him :)Even the vanilla ones. Akasha

AcademyForSlaves -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (2/27/2010 8:26:00 PM)
Hi. We've found there's lots of males that want a female-led relationship but some don't know what it entails. Some males like the fantasy idea of it but don't know the female's side of it. I like to think of it as a unique situation for each person. It really depends what the slave is hoping to find, and what the Mistress wants from the male. I have one 24-7 slave, another that lives a few miles out of town, and some long distance slaves (LD) too. Each slave I own serves a certain purpose that we're all happy with. My 24-7 slave does the home chores, errands, some webwork, cooks my meals, and is my sexslave too. My out of town slave comes into town when I tell him to and does what I want, when I want, and how I want. This sometimes includes sex slavery. My long distance slaves vary. Some I'm training, some I own, a few come into town when I tell them to, and others serve me from where they are. A few of them are in chastity. And then there's the slaves we all share and exchange, me and the Mistress friends I know. We usually share our slaves at our parties. Hope this helps.

Domin8tingUrDrmz -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (2/28/2010 2:37:41 AM)
My boyfriend, who is vanilla-esque, is one of the most submissive men I know. Don't tell him I said that...lol. He doesn't like to be labeled submissive. He isn't interested in kink...at all. However, my happiness is very important to him. He goes out of his way more times than not to make certain I'm happy. His father, was always doting on his mother. She worked longer hours than his father, so he took care of the home, cooked the meals, looked after the kids. This is what my boyfriend views as 'normal'. I secretly think his mom is a domme - lol - and mentioned this to my b/f as an observation of his parents relationship. That comment embarrassed him quite a bit as it caused him to have a mental flash of his mom in leather and heels. Anyway, since he grew up seeing his mother as busy, bossy, and getting her way; while his dad took care of the domestic things and catered to her whims, this is simply what he believes is a man's role. Pleasing his woman. It is because of his desire to see me happy, that he is comfortable and encourages me to find an s-type. He wants me to have an outlet for my kinks, the things he isn't comfortable providing me. He trusts I won't bring someone home who will attempt to destroy our relationship. He knows, that if someone does try, that person will be kicked to the curb (I've already had to get rid of one for that very reason). Now, if I could just find a man, who is as "non-submissive" as my boyfriend, with a few kinks that match up with mine, I'd be one extremely fortunate woman (not that I'm not already fortunate [;)]).

LadyAngelika -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (2/28/2010 6:23:44 AM)
Thank all you so much for your answers so far. Aakasha, it seems that your relationship with your husband has many of the elements that I'm looking for. You seem to mix authoritarian and autocratic leadership style in certain areas and when need be whereas in general, you employ a more participative and democratic style. I think this creates a certain amount of balance which is necessary. That said, I'm not sure I would need as much control over sex as you do. I still like being seduced by a man too much to want to control his advances. Of course, I can always refuse them, though it's not really like me to do so. Domin8tingUrDrmz, sounds to me like you have a lovely dynamic with your boyfriend. Sounds a lot like the one I had with my last partner. Like your boyfriend, he wasn't all that into being sexually submissive. He had his moments, but it was relatively vanilla. Though that isn't why our relationship ended, in doing a post-relationship analysis, I did wonder how I would have managed long term without being able to unleash my sadistic kinky desires. Knowing from experience that monogamy works best for me, I would need to find both aspects in one man. - LA

RumpusParable -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (2/28/2010 6:53:30 AM)
quote: Aakasha said: What you describe is very much like my primary relationship. I think to outsiders, we look like a fairly "equal" couple (I'm not bossy or demanding and he does not come off as 'pussy whipped'), but I am the breadwinner with the career and he's more domestic. He does support me a lot in my career and my business though. In our dynamic, I always have the final say in everything. I get what I want. He's generally going to ask for my permission to do things if it's not clear what I may say; I never ask him for permission, but I will often ask for his opinion. With the difference that we are a DINK household, this very much describes my relationship with Chael. In the end, and often the beginning, things come down to what I want and decide; but I often tell him to make the decision on something or listen to his preferences when making my own choice. I tell/let him handle things that are in his own realm that I've no interest in dealing with (for example, he owns a house that he handles all matters on with my just giving the occasional input on... I leave all decisions on that up to him, ultimately, because I want no part in running it). I handle everything that I'm interested in handling, he steps back and I take charge. Part of this is shown in our non-monogamous relationship style: we've been all sorts of ways in the past 13 years of mono, polyfi and polyamorous mixes. Our current dynamic is that of his being mono/polyfi and my being openly polyamorous. He can technically see, play and sleep with other people but it ultimately has to go through me first. I have to okay that I'm alright with it and he tends to only find partners during the rare, rare, rare times I find someone I like so much that I bring them into both our lives together. Me, I can see, play and sleep with whomever I want, whenever I want without having to check with him first. If he specifically doesn't like someone or something, I'll -like with anything else- take his feelings and opinion into serious consideration but ultimately I make the final call. He's very service oriented and that's the thing that is noticeable to others very often... my sister especially notes it whenever we (rarely) visit each other. -She wants to know how I get him to wait on me when I "don't yell at him or anything, he just does everything for" me. He always is doing little things like freshening my drink, carrying something for me, filling hot water bottles for me on cold nights... And we've lots of little rituals/patterns we've developed over the years...

LadyAngelika -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (2/28/2010 7:08:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RumpusParable With the difference that we are a DINK household, this very much describes my relationship with Chael. I prefer the DINK model as well. And because I am doing doctoral studies part time as well, I expect I'll still be busier than him and will expect his support around the house. quote: In the end, and often the beginning, things come down to what I want and decide; but I often tell him to make the decision on something or listen to his preferences when making my own choice. I tell/let him handle things that are in his own realm that I've no interest in dealing with (for example, he owns a house that he handles all matters on with my just giving the occasional input on... I leave all decisions on that up to him, ultimately, because I want no part in running it). I handle everything that I'm interested in handling, he steps back and I take charge. Your balance seems quite reasonable. I'm not a micromanager with my staff, so why would I be with my boyfriend? - LA

Andalusite -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (2/28/2010 3:18:21 PM)
When I had my submissive, we lived together for all but about 6 months while we were together, and I was a few houses away then. So, he did all of the housework, ran errands for me, and such. He put my name on his checking account, and made sure I had an ATM card, but I didn't take any money out from it except for bills. He checked with me before making major purchases, and occasionally I told him to wait until his next paycheck before buying something he wanted. He asked my opinion about his major and about job possibilities. He usually deferred to me on where to go and what to do, though he did offer suggestions.

LadyAngelika -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (2/28/2010 4:01:05 PM)
Thanks for sharing that Andalusite. I appreciated hearing about it. - LA

blmtrsne -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (3/1/2010 5:13:17 PM)
For me it means his thoughts are about how to please me. I'm always the one to take descisions, but often don't need to: my husband/slave knows me well enough to know what i will expect and surprises me sometimes with a special initiative.

Rochsub2009 -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (3/1/2010 7:41:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika For me, a female-led relationship is one in which I, as the woman, takes the lead. Does this mean I make all the decisions, no. Rather, taking the lead is about planning and steering the relationship, not running it single-handedly. It is about consulting and motivating one's partner. It is about ensuring that everyone's strengths are leveraged to make the relationship work at its best. As far as I know, very few men are prepared for this mentally for a true female-led relationship and/or really desire it. I have met many sexually submissive men, but not many who truly desire to find one woman that they can trust and hold in high enough esteem to be submissive to in their relationship. LadyA, i agree with you that this view of D/s is rare among male subs. At least in my experience. So many male subs are more into the kinky sex. They want to be locked up in a cage, or pissed on, or have their balls tortured 24/7. Those things might be fun diversions, but they don't make for a meaningful relationship. Moreover, subs that focus on those things are usually more interested in fulfilling their own personal kink than they are about serving a Domme. i think subs like you describe are seeking a sexual service provider rather a than a Domme. They want to top from the bottom. They have a menu of kinks that they want someone to dish out to them. A true female-led relationship is the exact opposite of that. It is about Her needs, not his own. His goal is to please Her, and do the things that She likes. Rather than handing Her a list of his personal kinks, He pays careful attention and makes mental notes anytime She mentions Hers. The typical "do me" subs that you describe probably couldn't handle a real female-led relationship. Moreover, they don't want one.

velt -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (3/2/2010 2:46:49 AM)
One of my longest relationships was built up around her control of my sexual release. A few years in, I was no longer permitted to request or bring up my own sexual pleasure. Aside from more traditional tease and denial, at some point she discovered how amusing to her it could be to sometimes spend the time we'd normally use for play to just chat with me or engage in mundane activities. She had some control over most aspects of my life. My sleep schedule, clothing, diet, exercise, etc. were all modified in one way or another. The changes themselves were of little consequence, but they drew my thoughts to her over and over throughout the course of each day (as if weeks of denial weren't enough). She was even there in my computer games, as I modded those I could to include her in various ways. I tend to do things for women when the opportunity presents itself even if I don't know them well, so of course I do things for my partners.

LadyAngelika -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (3/2/2010 4:30:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009 quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika For me, a female-led relationship is one in which I, as the woman, takes the lead. Does this mean I make all the decisions, no. Rather, taking the lead is about planning and steering the relationship, not running it single-handedly. It is about consulting and motivating one's partner. It is about ensuring that everyone's strengths are leveraged to make the relationship work at its best. As far as I know, very few men are prepared for this mentally for a true female-led relationship and/or really desire it. I have met many sexually submissive men, but not many who truly desire to find one woman that they can trust and hold in high enough esteem to be submissive to in their relationship. LadyA, i agree with you that this view of D/s is rare among male subs. At least in my experience. So many male subs are more into the kinky sex. They want to be locked up in a cage, or pissed on, or have their balls tortured 24/7. Those things might be fun diversions, but they don't make for a meaningful relationship. Moreover, subs that focus on those things are usually more interested in fulfilling their own personal kink than they are about serving a Domme. i think subs like you describe are seeking a sexual service provider rather a than a Domme. They want to top from the bottom. They have a menu of kinks that they want someone to dish out to them. A true female-led relationship is the exact opposite of that. It is about Her needs, not his own. His goal is to please Her, and do the things that She likes. Rather than handing Her a list of his personal kinks, He pays careful attention and makes mental notes anytime She mentions Hers. The typical "do me" subs that you describe probably couldn't handle a real female-led relationship. Moreover, they don't want one. Spot on RochSub. :-) - LA

seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (3/2/2010 4:31:29 AM)
As I read Lady Angelika’s thoughts that begin this thread, there is one sentence that literally jumps off the page at me. quote: truly desire to find one woman that they can trust and hold in high esteem to be submissive in their relationship And as i posted on Lady Angelika's thread regarding Monogamy ... trust and high esteem are very difficult to develop. i also believe each person will clearly have their own definition of what creates these feelings for them. myself, there are words right in Lady Angelika's post that speak volumes to me ... quote: taking the lead is about planning and steering the relationship, not running it single-handedly. It is about consulting and motivating one's partner. It is about ensuring that everyone's strengths are leveraged to make the relationship work at its best Based on my education and experience, She is communicating to me that She may really understand management and leadership. Which also implies She can listen, think, inspire and make good decisions. So i would want to learn more about Her. Because to lead, She needs to be capable of leading! <smiles> Of course there is a lot more to it ... morals, beliefs, decision making and so on and so forth. Yet if it bore out, and i felt W/we were compatible, i would find myself more naturally doing what pleases Her ... because i would have confidence in Her. And the person that She is. i also believe, relationships are as much about work, effort, self discipline, patience, listening, understanding … and when these exist … passion and intimacy flow naturally … from the heart. It is the same dynamic, whether BDSM or vanilla. The real difference is the sexual expression. <smiles> And interestingly enough, I have talked with vanilla men who have been married for a long time. And so often, I hear, they inevitably end up doing what the Lady wants. So when I put this in perspective, I realize there is absolutely nothing wrong in submission. Rather, it is an opportunity to develop a higher relationship. One that i am more comfortable in naturally. Because i admire and respect the Leader!

LadyAngelika -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (3/2/2010 4:37:53 AM)
What you described was a very intense dynamic between you and her. I believe they vary based on "management styles". I remember when I had my largest staff, I used to be so grateful for the self-starters and sometimes grit my teeth when I had to deal with the ones that needed micro-management. I feel that way when I meet submissive men. That said, you former Domme seemed to really like to micromanage and you seemed to really enjoy it too. It is important to have that compatibilty. quote: I tend to do things for women when the opportunity presents itself even if I don't know them well, so of course I do things for my partners. THIS. Very important. When guys approach me all aloof and casual and aren't showing me signs of submission, I know that they don't have it in them. Every man who deep down wants to find a woman to submit too will always approach a woman wanting to do things for her. I'm not saying he should be a sap, nor should she take advantage of this. I'm just saying that the potential dynamic is there immediately. - LA

LadyAngelika -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (3/2/2010 4:48:42 AM)
quote: And interestingly enough, I have talked with vanilla men who have been married for a long time. And so often, I hear, they inevitably end up doing what the Lady wants. Absolutely, because even in the vanilla world, there are male-led and female-led relationships. There is always one that is naturally more a leader than the other. I look at my parents and it was pretty even, and though my father is a very strong man who in his professional life was a leader, I truly believe that at the end of the day, he followed my mother's lead. And they were vanilla, of that there is no doubt. quote: So when I put this in perspective, I realize there is absolutely nothing wrong in submission. Rather, it is an opportunity to develop a higher relationship. One that i am more comfortable in naturally. Because i admire and respect the Leader! I always felt that D/s relationships had the advantage that power dynamics were addressed, more so than in other dynamics. I have witnessed many vanilla men groan and call their wife the ball and chain because she was controlling. But they chose her and they knew she was controlling when they met her. Why did they think she would change? Where I see this dynamic useful is that any man that gets together with me will know right off the bat that I plan on taking the lead, and he's going to want that, and therefore there is going to be none of this groaning. If I ever heard my partner refer to me as the ball and chain, I'd be mortified. - LA

thetammyjo -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (3/2/2010 8:01:56 AM)
Can't really answer this in an online message when we are currently working on an entire book on this subject for Greenery Press.

seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (3/2/2010 8:51:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika quote: And interestingly enough, I have talked with vanilla men who have been married for a long time. And so often, I hear, they inevitably end up doing what the Lady wants. Absolutely, because even in the vanilla world, there are male-led and female-led relationships. There is always one that is naturally more a leader than the other. Yes, there are. And they have been with U/us since the beginning of time. <smiles> Just ask Adam and Eve! LOL But i do feel there sometimes is an obstacle to men accepting the concept of a Female Led Relationship. i know in my case ... it was quite an internal battle to overcome my own perceptions of the negative implications; implications that were based on shallow, hollow societal and religious beliefs. As well as the fraternity boy attitudes of friends and acquaintances. For me, the real breakthrough came when i really started listening to co workers and other men who were married for a long time. Thought about it in a D/s context, and realized ... this is perfectly normal. And being submissive to a Lady is my natural position. i just have to be careful about who the Lady is. quote: I always felt that D/s relationships had the advantage that power dynamics were addressed, more so than in other dynamics. myself, i came to a similar conclusion ... Why spend years struggling with Power Dynamics ... when two can agree right up front. <smiles> And besides ... the love making is SOOO much more powerful and passionate! ;-) quote: I have witnessed many vanilla men groan and call their wife the ball and chain because she was controlling. But they chose her and they knew she was controlling when they met her. Why did they think she would change? Where I see this dynamic useful is that any man that gets together with me will know right off the bat that I plan on taking the lead, and he's going to want that, and therefore there is going to be none of this groaning. If I ever heard my partner refer to me as the ball and chain, I'd be mortified. - LA Yes, i have heard similar statements from some men. i have also seen plenty who just smile, wink, grin, shrug shoulders and say ... well you know how we men are ... Since i am seeking out a Female Led Relationship ... AND ... i would admire and respect the Lady .... i would be mortified referring to Her without communicating pride in Her, for who She is. Plus, i am a lot more secure in my conscious decisions now ... than i was when i was younger.

Lockit -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (3/2/2010 10:26:23 AM)
My best female led relationships actually came about so naturally that we just flowed. We didn't discuss dynamic's and at the time I wouldn't have even understood how dynamic's played into things! lol We were basically vanilla if we need titles and we called what we did as a role reversal as I worked and they stayed home for the most part (each had side jobs or interest) and they took care of the house and me. We discussed everything, but I had the final say and they trusted me to say something of worth. There was a lot of respect between us and exploring our different relationship and the world at large was exciting and never once did anyone or my partner's feel less than anyone else or that their manhood was challenged. Oh some people who respected us, did make some jokes and my hard bodied lover would laugh and say he was having a great time and they were just jealous. I loved that I could call home and tell him what I wanted for dinner, either come get some money to get my better fast food or fix this or that. My house was clean, my clothes ready and when I was off work, we had nothing to do but enjoy one another. I have to admit, that since coming to understand many things better and having words to describe things, looking at men who say they are submissive, it has been harder to actually find a submissive man for a female led relationship. Most who say they are submissive are really bottoms and focused on the sexual/kinky dynamic's more than a relationship. It sure has made me rethink a lot of things. lol

LadyAngelika -> RE: Female-led relationships: How does your D/s relationship manifest itself beyond kinky sex? (3/2/2010 6:03:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: thetammyjo Can't really answer this in an online message when we are currently working on an entire book on this subject for Greenery Press. Oh wonderful! - LA

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.078125