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AAkasha -> RE: Would you be monogamous with the all-in-one submissive man? (3/5/2010 8:25:03 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Andalusite
LA, I don't think it's even necessarily that they changed their mind, but rather that they didn't *realise* how it was going to affect them. We can't always predict our reactions, especially if we've never been in that situation before. No amount of communication ahead of time can resolve all of that - at some point, they have to take the leap and actually try it. This doesn't just apply to poly, it also applies to *lots* of different kinds of BDSM play, particularly humiliation and others that are primarily emotionally based.
While my relationship isn't poly but is more "open," (and one-sided, he doesn't see anyone else), there are a few things I'll add that must exist for it to work:
* The primary relationship must be totally rock solid. If there's even one shaky area, it will become the focus.
* There must be constant, ongoing, honest communication. Even when some conversations are difficult to have and it's hard to explain things, the effort must be made.
* There must be constant "checking in" on the status of the primary relationship
I think the other thing that's a bit hard to explain is that both people have to understand the relationship is far greater than the individual pieces that make it work. It must always be at the top of the list, and the thing that is cherished. If I am emotionally in a place where I only have 10% to give, I give it to my primary relationship (no questions asked) at the sacrifice of any more colorful compulsive ideas. A relationship is like a plant, it needs to be nurtured constantly. My ability to see outside partners must not be a distraction from my primary. If I ever get any kind of sense that my primary relationship needs nurturing, then 100% of my attention goes to it.
However, when I look at the above paragraph, the thing that stands out is this: it's easy to do that. There's no question where my priorities are. Working to make sure the above happens requires no feeling of sacrifice to me. My primary relationship is where my priorities are. I don't do so out of obligation. To do so would be the signal that things are going in the wrong direction.
Akasha
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