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MadameMonique -> Hanging up my whips (3/30/2006 3:07:10 AM)
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I wonder sometimes if others in the lifestyle sometimes concider hanging up their whips. As much as it is a pleasure to play, after a while the casual play becomes unfurfilling (much like a series of one night stands would in the vanilla world) and the transition from casual play to something deeper, more meaningful, more intense and long term becomes becomes nothing more then an unobtainable desire.
I believe that BDSM runs in my veins and it is a very natural and intrinsic part of myself yet I feel that the constant fruitless search wears me down, one disapointment after another becomes unbarable. I wonder how to balance that feeling with the desire to full whole within myself, By denying or suspressing what I know is an element of myself and how I define myself as a person is not healthy I am sure.
This paradox of emotion leaves me wondering what is ultimatly the healthiest, most self forfling decision... is it to continue the search and experiance disapointment after disappointment with an attitude of optimisim that I will eventully find what I seek, Or with grace and dignity hang up my whips and acknolege that this part of me exists, but must remain unsatisfied ?
Im sure many people are not at this place and do not understand why I can not get the joy I once useto from casual play, which, not to sound conceited, as a young female Domme I can pretty much have on tap, after all there is 100 submissive men to every Domme, each one so far lacking the the necicairy compatibility I seek.
Which does begin to beg the question, am I too selective, am I expecting too much in a meer man? I dont think I am, If we were talking in a vanilla sense Im sure no one would advise me to date a man that did not make me happy... why is this any diffrent ? Why should I settle for what is offered if the mutural compatibility is not there?
Now I understand that for others they require no more then the 2 basic compatibility triats, 1 Dom/me + 1 sub = Play partners.... But I do expect more... When I first started out, I was younger and far more foolish, greatful for the opitunity to play at all.... But now want more, and expect more. Im no longer satisfied with their submission on the basis that I am dominate, I began to get the feeling that the tables had turned, and I was no more then a figure head for some sleezy sub to play out his own fantasy, that he (and this "he" applies in general to all past play patners) did not care who he was submitting to, just that he could submit.... he probably would have submitted to a 3 headed troll if it weilded a whip.
Perhaps I am begining to sound cynical, and if this is the cynicisim brought on by the futile search then perhaps it is healthier to hang up the whips and join the ranks of the unsatisfied but less jaded -The married men looking for a spark on the side because they gave up and settled for something less, something that while great; did not fulfill all their needs. Perhaps the nasty old spinster who hates the world because she was never happy with what she had? Is it better to give up then fail repeatedly? Is the holy grail worth it?
Really Id rather just have my cake and eat it too.
-Monique
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