Public BDSM...single vs partnered (Full Version)

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CarrieO -> Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 9:44:05 AM)

These questions are going to be geared more towards those who are active, or becoming active, in their local/public BDSM community.

*Do you find you attend more functions...munches, play parties, retreats, events...when you're single or involved with a partner or does it not matter? 

*Do you find it easier to attend a large event or retreat as single (on your own) or partnered (either with a specific person or with a group)? 

*As a single person attending any of the previously mentioned functions, do you find gender, age, orientation or experience level being a factor in how easy it is to meet/mingle/be accepted?

Thanks!



Smutmonger -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 9:47:18 AM)

With or without,I don't attend public functions.

I'm not poly,and some twit always seems to have some inherent need to gossip or play politics. Not my idea of a fun time.



UniqueRaven -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 10:12:33 AM)

i have never been inclined to go to BDSM play parties, group meetings, events, etc. as an unowned slave. This is for several reasons, one being that i'm a very private person, and two, that i have a very hard time saying "no" when someone wants to play with me - i have a very strong internal need to be pleasing, and saying "no" is difficult. i have gotten into situations before in the past where i really didn't want to be played with, but i did it anyway, for that reason. So i've set a rule for myself against such play while unowned, in order to protect myself as my future Owner's property.

i did go to clubs with my ex Master, and it was fun, but we were both pretty private people and the whole social scene just wasn't really for us. We would sit and have a drink and watch more than anything else. But if i was Owned by a man who wanted me to be active in such groups and events, of course i would, under his protection as my Owner. Otherwise not for me.

i often do wonder if i'm missing something as an unowned slave by not going and socializing in my search for an Owner. But i always come back to "better safe than sorry." i will be watching this thread to say what others say.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 10:12:42 AM)

quote:

*Do you find you attend more functions...munches, play parties, retreats, events...when you're single or involved with a partner or does it not matter?


this slave has never attended a munch, play party, retreat or event as a single...and not sure that she ever would.
quote:

*Do you find it easier to attend a large event or retreat as single (on your own) or partnered (either with a specific person or with a group)?


this slave can't imagine ever going to a large event or retreat as a single. she imagines it would be way too overwhelming and intimidating for her to feel comfortable attending without a partner of some kind...even if it was just a friend...it's hard enough for this slave to make it successfully on time through an airport as a single...[:)]



onlyfreelycaged -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 10:14:32 AM)

I *only* go to munches and events with a Dom friend of mine.. I will only go as his. If he didn't want to go, I wouldn't ever attend. I'm only willing to go because going with him makes me feel safer. Once I get to know most all of the group well, then I'd go on my own, because it could be fun.



LadyPact -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 10:21:36 AM)

Truthfully, the only thing that factors in on My decision to attend an event when either MP or clip can't come with Me is the distance that I have to travel.  If there's something happening that is BDSM related that is further away that might require a long drive (meaning several hours) at night, I may be less likely to attend because of the travel issue.

Otherwise, I'm just as likely to attend partnered or alone.  I have never allowed being on My own to stand in My way. 

As to your last question, I would say that My gender and skill level do play a part in this.  I tend to think a good number of female tops have the same experience.



UniqueRaven -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 10:23:22 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

this slave can't imagine ever going to a large event or retreat as a single. she imagines it would be way too overwhelming and intimidating for her to feel comfortable attending without a partner of some kind...even if it was just a friend...it's hard enough for this slave to make it successfully on time through an airport as a single...[:)]


i totally understand this feeling - and agree. It is easy for me to get overwhelmed too, in general - and when at a party just go into "pleasing" mode.

Thank you for sharing. [:)]



sublizzie -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 10:28:37 AM)

I attend munches, parties, etc more as a single than I did when I was partnered mostly because Santa's schedule didn't work well with the times of most get togethers. I was active in the groups before I met Santa and, depending on my work schedule, will become active again now that he has passed.

I know enough people who attend functions that I can always find someone I know to talk with or new people to meet. There are generally other non-partnered people there so I don't stand out as being alone. But then, I'm used to going many places on my own. I've spent a great deal of time going to restaurants, movies, church, etc by myself. How is going to a BDSM function any different?



AquaticSub -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 10:39:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CarrieO

These questions are going to be geared more towards those who are active, or becoming active, in their local/public BDSM community.

*Do you find you attend more functions...munches, play parties, retreats, events...when you're single or involved with a partner or does it not matter? 

Doesn't matter. I attended events with the same degree of frequency when I was single as I do when I'm in a relationship.
quote:


*Do you find it easier to attend a large event or retreat as single (on your own) or partnered (either with a specific person or with a group)? 

Neither. I just go and enjoy myself either way. The only time it ever comes up is if someone is rude enough to think I'm not telling them the truth when I tell them Valyraen has, more or less, given me carte blanche to play with whoever I like.
quote:


*As a single person attending any of the previously mentioned functions, do you find gender, age, orientation or experience level being a factor in how easy it is to meet/mingle/be accepted?


Not really. I can see how they could but it hasn't been my experience. 



VaguelyCurious -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 10:51:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

As to your last question, I would say that My gender and skill level do play a part in this.



I'd have to disagree with you when you say that skill level plays a significant part-I went to my first ever party last month, completely alone, and was made to feel totally welcome and accepted-these people had never seen me play, had absolutely no idea what my level of skill/experience might be, and they were lovely regardless.



Kana -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 10:54:14 AM)

I hate going to events single.
It reminds me of when I was a kid and smoked pot. We used to buy High Times magazine-open the centerfold and drool over the pics. Then we would look down at our empty pockets and sigh.
Being alone at a BDSM event leaves that same needy feeling.
All turned on with no one who wants to blow.


Malevolent grin
That is, of course, unless I am single
Then I am on the prowl.
Ladies. Here me roar.



Mercnbeth -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 11:16:57 AM)

quote:

*Do you find you attend more functions...munches, play parties, retreats, events...when you're single or involved with a partner or does it not matter?


Answers in the form of questions:

- Do you feel comfortable going out to dinner alone? - A "munch" would be a similar experience.

Every 'munch' I've attended, alone or with groups, has been that experience. Maybe I'll meet someone I know and join them while eating and have a conversation. Maybe I won't know anyone and make small talk all night. Maybe I'll meet someone intriguing and ask for a phone number and give them a business card so we can get together again sometimes. Maybe nobody there pays any attention or engages with me in any conversation beyond; "Hello - my name is...". It's a night out.

- Do you feel comfortable going to a bar alone? - A "play party" would be a similar experience.

You may be going for there for 'entertainment'; plenty of that to see.You may be going to see what you can 'pick up'. You may sit on a stool all night and nurse a drink, working up the courage to talk to other people there, or wait for them to come to you. Sure going in I may be looking to "knock back a few" but I maintain responsibility and accountability for myself and don't go there to 'get drunk' and 'wreck' my car/life by my actions. Were I a person who knew I couldn't control myself, I'd go to the bartender, hand him/her $20 and tell them to make sure to cut me off when appropriate. I've never been to club where that couldn't be arranged; especially if you go to 'The Lair" in LA - Just ask Kane to "keep an eye on you" and you'll be the safer then in your mother's arms.

- Do you feel comfortable going on vacation alone? - A "retreat" or "event" would be a similar experience.

A combination of dinner alone and a bar alone over an extended period of time; but the same dynamics are in play.

As her post would indicate beth knows herself, and I'd concur - she would not be able to attend any of those things alone for a variety of reasons. she also wouldn't go to a bar, dinner, or vacation for similar reasons; although she once treated herself to a 'spa day' alone for her birthday - once. she requires a partner, friend, or some safety net for her to enjoy the experience.

This question isn't about where you are going and/or doing; it's about you. Do you have enough confidence, self awareness, and ability to function on your own? If so - go and have FUN!



LadyPact -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 11:22:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

As to your last question, I would say that My gender and skill level do play a part in this.



I'd have to disagree with you when you say that skill level plays a significant part-I went to my first ever party last month, completely alone, and was made to feel totally welcome and accepted-these people had never seen me play, had absolutely no idea what my level of skill/experience might be, and they were lovely regardless.


Please note that I included gender in My response.  I've said this on other threads before.  I tend to think that females get a better reception than males and that hold regardless of which side of the kneel.

The experience part I am basing on settings where people have known Me, known My style of play, and are more likely to want to bottom to Me with that in mind.



Tayr -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 11:37:12 AM)

I find myself attending events for different purposes... socializing, education, entertainment, etc. The only reason that changes between attending when single or partnered, is that I don't go looking to meet a new partner if I've already got one. While I haven't completely ruled out polyamory, I currently and historically have preferred monogamy. But I don't find that I attend any more or less based on whether I have someone to go with.

In the past, I always preferred to attend these things with somebody else. Where I'm at now (growth-wise), I'm fine with going to events by myself. Similar to what LadyPact said, I'm sure part of this has to do with my current knowledge level. It lends a certain amount of self-confidence. But also, I've just developed enough social skills that I can strike up a conversation with most anyone and have a good time. When I go by myself, I usually have a very vanilla mindset and just interact the same as if I was at a non-kink function.

I find that the single most important factor for how successful I am at meeting people and being accepted, is my ruggedly muscular, incredibly attractive looks. LOL! [:D]  Okay, sorry... I can't even say that with a straight face. It's 'cuz of my 14 inch wiener.

Seriously though, I think the thing that helps me the most is just being friendly. And a smile. It's amazing how at ease you can make people feel with a simple smile.

@UniqueRaven (and others who avoid the events): I can't speak for other areas, but around Austin there are many different types of groups. Some have no play whatsoever (happy hours or coffee house get-togethers), or limited play (like Austin Voyagers or SAADE meetings). So, if you DO enjoy socializing with other kinky folks, you might try one of those kinds of get-togethers instead. That way you don't have to worry about anybody trying to get you to play with them.



CreativeDominant -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 11:53:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

As to your last question, I would say that My gender and skill level do play a part in this.



I'd have to disagree with you when you say that skill level plays a significant part-I went to my first ever party last month, completely alone, and was made to feel totally welcome and accepted-these people had never seen me play, had absolutely no idea what my level of skill/experience might be, and they were lovely regardless.


Please note that I included gender in My response.  I've said this on other threads before.  I tend to think that females get a better reception than males and that hold regardless of which side of the kneel.

The experience part I am basing on settings where people have known Me, known My style of play, and are more likely to want to bottom to Me with that in mind.

I included LP's post in my answer because what she said, mixed with what vaguely curious said, and uniquely raven said earlier, made me curious about several things.

Lady Pact, is it your gender that is more acceptable to others or is it your orientation or is it just the "you" that you are...or is it a combination of factors?  I would ask the same question of vaguely curious and uniquely raven...and here is why:  as a top/dominant and a strong woman, you have no problems asking, or with being asked about play.  This is to be expected in the clubs most times...you are the dominant and from what I have seen, most people expect the dominant to ask.  Does the fact that the dominant is female make a difference or is it you? 

Now then, come to Vaguely Curious.  Is it possible that one of the reasons you are made to feel welcomed and accepted is, as Lady Pact said, the fact that you are female rather than male? AND a lesbian female dominant at that? 

Finally, I come to unique raven.  A submissive woman.  She states "i totally understand this feeling - and agree. It is easy for me to get overwhelmed too, in general - and when at a party just go into "pleasing" mode. " in response to something beth said.  In an earlier post, she noted that "i have never been inclined to go to BDSM play parties, group meetings, events, etc. as an unowned slave. This is for several reasons, one being that i'm a very private person, and two, that i have a very hard time saying "no" when someone wants to play with me - i have a very strong internal need to be pleasing, and saying "no" is difficult. i have gotten into situations before in the past where i really didn't want to be played with, but i did it anyway, for that reason. So i've set a rule for myself against such play while unowned, in order to protect myself as my future Owner's property. " 

In this case, is it the fact that she is a submissive woman that brings on the suitors?  Is it the fact that she is attractive to boot?  Is it the fact that she has a hard time saying "no" to dominants whose force of will/desire/want is stronger than her own need to do what she would rather do versus being pleasing "to the dominant"? 

Is part of what comes into play in making a decision to attend this notion?  That even in "tolerant, forward-thinking" D/s BDSM clubs/munches/events, it is still more common for the male...dominant or submissive...to be doing the asking and for the woman...dominant or submissive...to either be saying "yes" or "no" and so, when you come across a woman who does the asking, how many potential male partners...submissive or dominant...are likely to say " "no"?

So...what does determine whether you go alone or with others?  Is it the gender?  Your personality?  Your orientation?  The knowledge of self and being able to do what you want as a single unpartnered individual, whether dominant or submissive, and not be overtaken by a stronger force of will when you didn't want that at the start of the night?  For me, I have gone to events alone as both a single and someone who was partnered and I have gone to events with my partner or with a friend.  What determined what I did was who I am as an individual and the significance of where I stood in My life with/without someone else at the moment.




Missokyst -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 11:57:15 AM)

Events such as munches, flea markets, and other bdsm related tasks are just part of my job as a group leader, so I do those regardless of my romantic status. Any romantic partner I am with would have to accept that part of my life since helping others connect is part of my psychological makeup.

I do attend parties for the most part mostly when I am single. I am wired for monogamy and prefer bdsm when I can enjoy sex along side so if I am with a mate playing is only done in private. As a single at parties most of my time is spent socialising, though I have played lightly in a non penatrative way. It is doable.. but not particularly satisfying. Mainly I go to keep my hand in the game AND to force myself outside the box. My particular box is agorophobia and anything that makes me get out of here is a good thing.

I don't mind if those I play with have less experience than I. Nor do I mind being a test dummy of sorts, because ultimately at a play party even if I am the bottom I am in complete control. I am more than capable of saying no and being direct about what is and is not acceptable for me when playing with a stranger at a party. That said, I am basically a shy person. Even though I am being social and interacting with people in chat or play, my normal comfort zone is to watch or listen rather than be the center of attention. I save that for when I have to take charge in group functions.




VaguelyCurious -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 11:59:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

As to your last question, I would say that My gender and skill level do play a part in this.



I'd have to disagree with you when you say that skill level plays a significant part-I went to my first ever party last month, completely alone, and was made to feel totally welcome and accepted-these people had never seen me play, had absolutely no idea what my level of skill/experience might be, and they were lovely regardless.


Please note that I included gender in My response.  I've said this on other threads before.  I tend to think that females get a better reception than males and that hold regardless of which side of the kneel.


Oh, I completely agree that being female made it easier-it's just skill level I am doubtful of as a factor.

quote:

The experience part I am basing on settings where people have known Me, known My style of play, and are more likely to want to bottom to Me with that in mind.


But the question wasn't to do with bottoming:

quote:

*As a single person attending any of the previously mentioned functions, do you find gender, age, orientation or experience level being a factor in how easy it is to meet/mingle/be accepted?


I'm sure I would have received more offers for play had I been better known. But I'm not sure it would have made any difference to how accepted I was made to feel, or how easy it was to mingle and meet people.



myotherself -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 12:11:23 PM)

I go to munches and clubs as a singleton, but I don't go alone. I've made some good friends at the munch, and would happily spend an evening chatting with most of the people there. The same crowd go to the club, so I've always got someone to talk to.

I don't have any problem turning down any dom who wants to play - I don't do public play so it's not a problem.

Mind you, years of being single and travelling extensively on business has left me with no fear of eating out alone, or going to a bar alone. If there's no-one to talk to, I always have a good book in my bag. [:)]



heartfeltsub -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 12:41:35 PM)

i've done both, gone as a single and as part of a couple. When going to a munch or a small event as a single person, it didn't bother me, as there were a number of other single both Dominants and submissives there. Going to a larger event, it seemed or at least felt like, everyone else there was part of a couple of triad and it was very bothersome to be there as a single person. So for smaller events like munches or meet and greets, i don't care either is fine. For larger events, i prefer to go with someone else either as a friend or part of a D/s couple.

heartfelt



eyesopened -> RE: Public BDSM...single vs partnered (3/3/2010 12:56:20 PM)

Personally I found it impossible to be accepted at any public venue.  I found it a bit easier to attend with a friend.  I have never attended "partnered".   I seriously doubt I will ever attend a public event again unless my Master finds something offering classes in a couple of areas of interest.



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