The other woman (Full Version)

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alhamdullilah -> The other woman (3/6/2010 8:04:05 AM)

I'm taking my chances here, considering this is my first post... Well, almost. My first post was to Domiguy's "Hey, Baby" thread - first in many years anyway. Since the idea of that thread - (aside from demonstrating Suhlut's prowess!) seemed to be getting new people to post to the forums, I thought I'd go ahead and take a chance, even though my question is likely to get me reamed, not to mention sully my rep. I didn't used to be such a wuss about posting but I seem to be a little fragile these days, so here goes---

How often does being a slave seem to equate to becoming the "other woman"? I'm tired of being the other woman. It doesn't start out that way but I think that being so accommodating makes it all the more likely. It seems that in my relationships, or rather in my life, I'm not stable enough to make me a good candidate for being the main girl, so to speak. The criticism is that if I had my life more together I'd be more appropriate for the serious relationship.

I've always believed that being strong is a necessity for a slave/submissive and, perhaps, I'm not. Apparently, I'm a good lay so they don't want to let me go but one doesn't become the priority that way, either. In my profile, I spoke honestly of this and, to my surprise, got a lot of responses from Doms wanting to "fix my life." So, between the sexual aspect and "the mess" aspect, I hold some attraction, but in the end, what kind of attraction does that really turn out to be? And I wonder, how many women who are very submissive fall into that trap.

I know, the twue Doms (I do enjoy that phrase though it seems terribly irreverant) might say that a real Master doesn't sneak around. I don't disagree. He doesn't have to. That's part of the problem, though, when a Man discovers that you'll be accommodating enough that he doesn't have to lie to you. Then, he just lies to the women in his life who aren't submissive and wouldn't tolerate it. Add loving someone to the mix here and it seems to become a problem for all involved.

I usually hate to address a topic I know I can answer on my own. I know the answers - the wrong kind of guys, fixing my own life especially, etc. Still I can't help but wonder if there aren't slaves and submissives out there - doormats or otherwise - who fall into this category and find themselves often in the role of "the other woman" as I do, and I rather hope to hear from them if they, like me, exist. However intelligent, however wise and however well-meaning... I can't be the only one who allows herself to be tripped up by life and one's own nature in this manner. Can I?

Let the reaming begin... Thanks for letting me post here, however lame my query.

-llilah



AnimusRex -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 8:16:32 AM)

There isn't a terribly clever answer to this dilemma.

At some point, submissive or not, eveyone has to make a stand and say "I deserve to be treated with respect".

Which sounds very easy, and simple, almost to the point of being flippant. Except that in making that statement, there usually is some sort of price- saying goodbye to someone who is in all other respects, wonderful; saying goodbye to financial stability; saying goodbye to an emotional support; and saying hello to sleeping alone, handling life without that person.

I guess I could say that by being so accomodating, you actually are being less than loving tohim, by enabling bad and dishonest behavior on his part; which is true enough, but seems a bit too clever, of trying to make a painful choice a bit easier to swallow.

Ultimately, we have to decide what is best for our life, in the long term, and ignore whatever short term pain it causes.



KatyLied -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 8:29:03 AM)

Simply stated - you teach others how to treat you.  You do this by things you say and how you react to people and situations.  Being submissive or slave does not translate into either strong or weak, it depends on the people involved.  I do think that going forward from a place of weakness (not emphasizing your strengths) will attract a certain type of man to you, not necessarily a good match.



Hieros -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 8:31:09 AM)

My opinion is that, it dosen't matter if you are submissive you deserve to be "the woman" not the other woman. Once my sister told me you don't have to change just as you are perfect for some one out there just the way you are... and if this @#$% son of !@#$% dosen't realize it, tell him and dump him. You deserve better. Best advice ever from my sis!



lucylucy -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 8:31:57 AM)

Great post on an awkward topic. Way before I was involved in D/s, my submissive nature made me the "accidental other woman" a couple times, and I think there was a point where my current relationship almost headed in that direction. I wish I could tell you what I did to keep my current relationship from ending up that way, but I don't think it was anything I did, I just got lucky enough to be in a relationship with someone I am truly well-matched with--meaning we each bring out the best in the other--and he recognized that.

I have some other thoughts on this that I don't want to share with everyone. Feel free to cmail me if you want to talk more.



domiguy -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 8:33:16 AM)

I suppose that since I brought you down into the land of the Philistines and the Sodomites I am somewhat responsible for what befalls you from this point forward.

There is that thin line where you want to give pleasure and submit but at the same time you don't want to be totally taken advantage of or walked all over.

So you do have to set up some parameters that you cannot deviate from. No married guys or getting involved with men that are in monogamous relationships. If you dig the couple thing than meet and court them both... That is number one. Two, just find someone that digs you for you. All the other shit will fall right into line. You seem nice enough, probably have all of the lumps and crevices we men tend to adore and judging from your post you are a pretty smart cookie to boot. Just take it easy. Things will all be coooool.

Now if "we" happen to get together disregard everything I have said above...Don't be sticking your nose into my Bidniss, do exactly as your told, stay on all fours and clean that shit up!!!

Got it bitch?



warmwoman29 -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 8:52:55 AM)

I've been the other woman and it's very sad and unfulfilling. It's true what others say about finding the strength to walk away from stability or at least some remnant of intimacy. But in the end? It doesn't mean anything. He still goes home to his wife and I still sleep alone. I can sleep alone just fine without mixing it up with an already taken man.

I left my marriage in 2004 after many years of feeling unfulfilled. That wasn't easy! Even though the sexual intimacy had long faded, there was still something about the familiarity that I'd be losing, not to the mention the uncertainty of being able to support myself alone. It was the best decision for me.

Since that time, I've search (in vain!) for a man to fit me. Each time I felt desperate and thought I'd have to settle for a married man, something jerked me back and I had to be true to myself and say, no. My last opportunity presented himself last November. I couldn't go through with it. I know that was the right decision.

I've been celibate for over a year. No, it's not easy, but neither am I going to settle for a quick fix. That would only be lying to myself and I really dislike liars.



belladevine -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 8:56:09 AM)

In my opinion every woman becomes the other woman sooner or later. I have never met a monogamous man. Chances are if he isn't lying to me he is lying to somebody else.
Men lie and cheat. They don't really care about us. Men are sexual nomads, users and abusers. I don't care about monogamy any more, just show me the money.
HAHAHA Most men have lied and cheated themeslves so far into debt that there isn't any money left. Where is the dominance????



Jeffff -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 8:56:59 AM)

Nice hat



Dominasola -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 9:07:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: belladevine

In my opinion every woman becomes the other woman sooner or later. I have never met a monogamous man. Chances are if he isn't lying to me he is lying to somebody else.
Men lie and cheat. They don't really care about us. Men are sexual nomads, users and abusers. I don't care about monogamy any more, just show me the money.
HAHAHA Most men have lied and cheated themeslves so far into debt that there isn't any money left. Where is the dominance????


*blink blink*



Jeffff -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 9:11:33 AM)

I seen her act before. This is her shtick!


SheckyJeff



littlewonder -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 9:25:21 AM)

I've been the "other woman". I refuse to ever be again. You just have to take a stand and tell yourself you're worth more and you deserve more.



laura2161 -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 9:36:50 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I've been the "other woman". I refuse to ever be again. You just have to take a stand and tell yourself you're worth more and you deserve more.


I was also the 'other woman' for quite some time. He wasnt married but in a committed relationship. I didnt know that for the first few months but I take responsibility for not walking away the moment I found out. It took me quite a while to see that I did deserve MUCH better. Once I walked I never looked back and I will never become the other woman again.



KatyLied -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 9:39:53 AM)

Right, like Jeff was really looking at her hat.



Rochsub2009 -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 9:47:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: belladevine

In my opinion every woman becomes the other woman sooner or later. I have never met a monogamous man. Chances are if he isn't lying to me he is lying to somebody else.
Men lie and cheat. They don't really care about us. Men are sexual nomads, users and abusers. I don't care about monogamy any more, just show me the money.
HAHAHA Most men have lied and cheated themeslves so far into debt that there isn't any money left. Where is the dominance????


Paging Dr. Phil.

Paging Dr. Phil. 

Dr. Phil, please report to "Ask a Submissive".



myotherself -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 9:54:21 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Right, like Jeff was really looking at her hat.



Course he wasn't - he's a man and we wimmins all know men lie and cheat about everything [:)]




DarkSteven -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 9:58:20 AM)

OP, let me say that you're cute, seem intelligent, and are very submissive.  So you want to give it all to a man.  Shame that you're attracted to the ones that would take advantage.

Also a damn shame that you're not in Colorado.



domiguy -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 10:07:21 AM)

I too have been the other woman...All these men care about is my humongous schlong and my knowledge of beer. I now only care about the money.

Cha-ching.



Jeffff -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 10:25:54 AM)

Thats not true!

I care about the warm glow in your kind eyes!



UniqueRaven -> RE: The other woman (3/6/2010 10:47:07 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

At some point, submissive or not, eveyone has to make a stand and say "I deserve to be treated with respect".



This. You're right about a slave needing to be strong. And i see myself as a valuable slave to my Owner, and i work to keep that value. i've said many times, "if you want to be Owned, be something worth Owning." And if there comes a time when your needs and your Owner/Master's are no longer compatible, then sometimes that means a tough decision - and it may be respectfully asking for release.

An obedient and sensual slave is of great value to her Owner. [:)] It is the slave's responsibility to keep and hold that mind-set in her service to him, and preserve that value.



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