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Question about subbing in general - 3/6/2010 11:09:11 PM   
VexatiousV


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		Ok I want to start off saying I'm 19 and completely new to this idea after a fling I had >< I've discovered I really enjoy being submissive and I've tried reading up on this and get aroused by just about all the common things. However after I stop being aroused I feel completely uninterested in the whole idea and find it slightly offensive to be treated that way. Is this normal or do subs enjoy being subs outside of kinky arousal? Also, are there women who are dominant when aroused but respectful outside of it? I guess what I'm getting at is I want a girlfriend, someone who is my equal and we both care about each other but being a sub is a huge turn on for me and it would be awesome to find someone with those qualities. Is that a pipedream or something actually common o-0 Yet again I apologize for my ignorance, this is just something I have no experience with and still feel really awkward about admitting ><;;;
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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/6/2010 11:17:18 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		The answer is no, you aren't weird. Many people only feel that submission when they are aroused, and the rest of the time, they are just and "average" couple.

Does that mean you wouldn't eventually "expand" your submission and take it outside the sexual aspects? Nope. In time with the right partner, you could expand. Then again you might not. Either way, it's all good and you shouldn't worry that there is something potentially "off" about the way you like it.

That's the beautiful thing about people. We are all different and there simply isn't a right or wrong way to be submissive. Ok, it would be wrong to be submissive and start spanking your dominant, lol. But I think you get the drift.

(in reply to VexatiousV)
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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/6/2010 11:24:57 PM   
VexatiousV


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks it's good to know that it's normal to feel that way >> I was starting to feel bad seeing these people talk about 24/7 deals and things like that and thinking that it was not something I'd want to do and I felt like I was not really understanding the kink properly and in turn disrespecting those who take it farther then me like I didn't really understand it and was just someone posing as a sub ><

Really though thanks for letting me know that ^^ (and yes, I get your drift :P hitting your dominant other as a sub? wtf ahaha)

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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/7/2010 12:05:51 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		As long as you are honest about the fact that you are only interested in sexual submission, it's not a problem. It isn't what everyone is looking for, but then again, there is no one thing that everyone is looking for. Be yourself, as long as "yourself" has basic social skills, and you'll be fine.

< Message edited by SweetDommes -- 3/7/2010 12:06:57 AM >

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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/7/2010 12:11:13 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VexatiousV

I've discovered I really enjoy being submissive and I've tried reading up on this and get aroused by just about all the common things. However after I stop being aroused I feel completely uninterested in the whole idea and find it slightly offensive to be treated that way. Is this normal or do subs enjoy being subs outside of kinky arousal? Also, are there women who are dominant when aroused but respectful outside of it? I guess what I'm getting at is I want a girlfriend, someone who is my equal and we both care about each other but being a sub is a huge turn on for me and it would be awesome to find someone with those qualities. Is that a pipedream or something actually common



No need for apologies.  After all, the only way to learn is to ask.

What you seek is quite possible.  i am a submissive male, and i have dated many dominant women over the years.  Like you, i prefer to have a dominant girlfriend, versus just a casual kinky play partner.

You indicate that you like the idea of submission when you are aroused, but then you don't like it when you are not aroused.  i would suggest from experience that perhaps you need to rethink how you view D/s.  Rather than viewing submission as something that you enjoy WHEN you are aroused, perhaps it could actually be something that MAKES you aroused.  That is how it is for me.  The very act of submitting to a dominant woman is very arousing to me.

From what you describe, it sounds like you believe that humiliation has to be a part of a D/s relationship.  That is not necessarily true.  Your relationship can be whatever you and your partner decide that it should be.  If you don't want humiliation to be a part of it, then it doesn't have to be.

All of my relationships with dominant women have been very respectful.  To outsiders, i appear to be a very loving, doting, gentleman.  But my Domme and i are always aware of our respective positions.  i think that you might enjoy an arrangement like this.

You might want to discuss it with your girlfriend.  If you both like the concept, give it a try.  If you can't come to grips with the idea of being submissive to her, then think of yourselves as equals.  Each of you are equal.  But in order for her to satisfy the sexual desires that you are feeling, you must first agree to do whatever she says......all the time.

If submission is something that you truly desire, explore.  Try different things.  Keep experimenting until the two of you discover what works best for you.  No other definition of D/s really matters except for the one that the two of you decide that you mutually enjoy.

Good luck.  i'd give anything to be 19 again and just discovering my desire to submit. 

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 3/7/2010 12:12:14 AM >

(in reply to VexatiousV)
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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/7/2010 12:23:33 AM   
VexatiousV


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		@SD: Thanks, I should probably add that to my short description just so I don't give off the wrong idea ><
@RS: That is so nice to hear that this kind of thing works out for other people o-o And I believe you worded it better then me saying its the domination that arouses you that's definitely what I meant to express. Also when I mentioned it becoming offensive when I was unaroused it was just that. I enjoy being down talked to but I take it offensively when it's not sexual.

Thank you both for the comments ^^ it's good to know I can talk about these kinds of things with strangers without getting weird looks or something especially for being young ><

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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/7/2010 12:27:37 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		Oh, you'll get weird looks - we're like that But as long as you keep in mind that we are people and not life support systems for whatever it is that turns you on ... we won't be mean LOL

Rochsub is right, though - humiliation doesn't have to be part of the day to day interactions between a Domme and sub ... for most of us who post on here, I'd say that it isn't. For some of us, it's not even normally a part of the kinky sex aspect of BDSM.

It may be that you find someone that you are comfortable submitting to completely - it may be that you only submit in the bedroom.

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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/7/2010 12:38:54 AM   
VexatiousV


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		Don't worry I know your all normal real people haha

And that's a relief about humiliation outside >> I mean I'd submit to my girl but I'd prefer not to have her control over my (i guess you call it this here) Vanilla life.

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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/7/2010 12:49:56 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VexatiousV

I'd submit to my girl but I'd prefer not to have her control over my (i guess you call it this here) Vanilla life.



But that's just the point.  You can make her control go into whatever areas you choose.  It is completely up to the two of you.  If you want her control to only extend into the bedroom, then so be it. 

Personally, i think that you will find it to be a natural extension to have the dominance begin to extend outside of the bedroom.  It may not encompass all areas of your lives, but i think the two of you are going to find ways to intertwine D/s in other areas of your lives.  It is a natural progression.  It's just like starting out having vanilla sex in the bedroom, and then eventually trying it in the living room, the kitchen and every other room in the house.  Eventually you're boinging each other in the car, in the hot tub, in ladies room at the mall, in the alley, and anywhere else you feel like it, and you can't believe that there was a time when you kept you lovemaking relegated to the bedroom. 

(in reply to VexatiousV)
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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/7/2010 8:04:45 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with RochSub. I'll add another layer to this natural progression. I have found that the more deeply bound with someone, the more the lines of D/s in the bedroom an real life get blurred.

You might be interested in reading a bit from this thread which deals with what D/s relationships can look like outside the bedroom: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3091495/tm.htm

- LA

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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/7/2010 8:41:58 AM   
luvzdabutt


Posts: 16
Joined: 12/24/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I mean I'd submit to my girl but I'd prefer not to have her control over my (i guess you call it this here) Vanilla life.


LOL!!! I'm sorry, but this part made me laugh because you must not know any married people! (I'm talking about vanilla). With the exceptions of the Male Dom/fem-sub couples, the Woman ALWAYS has the upper hand! And I love it that way, myself.



< Message edited by luvzdabutt -- 3/7/2010 8:49:46 AM >

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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/7/2010 9:37:34 AM   
luvzdabutt


Posts: 16
Joined: 12/24/2007
Status: offline 		Sorry, I really wasn't making fun of you. It was more of a comment about my former marriage and ones of friends I've known. My ex-wife was a total control freak. I mistook this as a Dominant personality, which she was. But she never got into sexually dominating me, although i respectfully shared my desires to her. Her "vanilla" domination and control eventually got on my nerves and made me, (then both of us), miserable.
I now have a wonderful Dominant Girlfriend/Mistress who does not really get into the whole humiliation and degradation thing. She is very much in charge and the boss of me, but She is loving and kind and would never do anything to hold me back or bring me down in life.
This being said: take away all the sexual desires and fantasies, all of the "play" humiliation, degradation, verbal abuse, etc...
There are good people who want good for you and happiness, and then there are bad people who selfishly manipulate, who want to bring you down, who want to hurt people. It's all in the heart. So find a Domme with a good heart, and wicked, perverted mind!
Just be open and honest, and don't settle for less than what you need. I think the type of Woman you seek is actually the majority. They don't want to bring you down.
However, don't be the kind of sub who acts like a disrespectful jerk outside the bedroom. Dommes mostly want the same treatment as other Women: respect, thoughtfulness, TLC, consideration, manners, and love.

(in reply to luvzdabutt)
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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/9/2010 5:50:35 AM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		You're fine kiddo.  Think about it this way, when you're young, you can always find yourself a nice Cougar and play Cub for a while.  It's becoming quite socially acceptable now.  Amazing, isn't it?

As for being 19 and looking for a girlfriend, you've got plenty of time.  Don't rush it.  Don't fall for the first cute girl who tells you to carry her books.


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It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to luvzdabutt)
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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/9/2010 9:22:17 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Some forms of confusion, ambivalence or even self-dread are very common after the "high" of submission wears off and you are back to reality.  You'll grow and evolve and figure it out in time, but I do have some strong advice as the woman on the other end of the equation.

It's totally common and acceptable that for many subs, the desire to submit is "cyclical." You may have down times, either right after you submitted or maybe just at random times, where you think, "eww. I'm not into that.  Why was it even appealing in the first place?"  Know that the other person in the equation - the femdom who dominated you - is a real life person that deserves consideration and an explanation.  Don't disappear on people and then just shut the book on it, only to realize that couple of weeks later, you desire submission again.

Instead, be honest.  Tell her, "I get some confusing feelings after I submit; I am working through them. It's not about you, but I can't quite figure out why my moods shift, and I am still learning."   Don't delete your profile, don't throw away toys.  If you read sites like this and others, you will see that many, many sub men "stop being kinky" when they are in that post-submission haze, and they make rash decisions- like blowing off women they just met, like deleting their profile, like throwing away toys.  

The ladies here will tell you how many times, on average, they have an encounter with a man and then he disappears on them, only to "reappear" weeks later and ask for another chance. The cycle repeats over and over again.  What these men are sometimes going through is what you describe. The aversion to  submission is often strongest RIGHT AFTER sexual release, but sometimes it can linger for days.  Sometimes the next day you may think, "holy crap, I can't believe I even wanted to do that, NEVER again, NEVER...." and sure enough, weeks later, the urge will return.  Don't beat yourself up over it.

Journal privately about your emotions and look for the consistent themes, timing, etc.  We femdoms have cycles like that, too.

Akasha


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(in reply to VexatiousV)
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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/10/2010 12:06:24 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VexatiousV
However after I stop being aroused I feel completely uninterested in the whole idea and find it slightly offensive to be treated that way. Is this normal or do subs enjoy being subs outside of kinky arousal?


I enjoy being sub outside of kinky arousal.

quote:

Also, are there women who are dominant when aroused but respectful outside of it? I guess what I'm getting at is I want a girlfriend, someone who is my equal and we both care about each other but being a sub is a huge turn on for me and it would be awesome to find someone with those qualities.


Many D/s relationships are romantic D/s relationships where couples share romance and D/s. D/s becomes or influences the romantic and sexual expression. I think your concept of what it means to be sub might be limited. D/s and respect are not mutually exclusive. I sense you are envisioning a scenario based on harsh treatment and D/s is not always like that.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to VexatiousV)
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RE: Question about subbing in general - 3/11/2010 2:04:58 AM   
hopelesslyInvo


Posts: 522
Joined: 2/10/2008
From: the future
Status: offline 		assuming your "loss of arousal" is an orgasm, it's pretty much assured that a man is likely to go from one state of mind to another.

-----

in terms of kink, it would actually be pretty easy to feel guilty, dirty, or sickened by what you've done after the arousal has faded.  i myself used to feel overwhelmingly guilty and ashamed after having an orgasm; wishing i hadn't done it and feeling as though i've done something morally wrong, as well as no longer having any pleasant thoughts associated with it let alone the desire to continue it.

however, there's a world of difference when you're with someone in such a circumstance, or without.  i hate to think how many things i'd stop feeling bad about if i had a woman laying beside me smiling at me regardless or because of what occured; women are what put these desires in me to begin with because of my desire for them, i too would have little interest if they were out of the picture. 

despite your mind tending to lean in the same directions though, a feeling of acceptance from someone that my 'interest' never wanes from, and perhaps a gentle touch or two from them when my mind gets unhinged in these types of situations is what i benefit from in terms of "aftercare".  the aftercare that i ever could use is always psychological, though i doubt they'd agree "depending" upon... 

anyway, assuming you're familiar with aftercare, perhaps this would form of it might make your list as well.

also, what a couple does is not exactly something you could call synonymous with another couple, even amongst bdsm couples.  there are of course "common things", but they are also commonly not part of people's interests even in here.  if you feel it best to not be doing a particular "thing", find someone who doesn't want that particular thing, i assure you it is possible.

-----

in terms of submitting, there is two general types of this; constant, and selective.  selective wants to be submissive in situations such as "in the bedroom" because they find it "hot", and then they're done in some cases, and others perhaps not (aka someone who isn't inherently submissive submitting anyway).  the constants don't deter or wish for something else simply because arousal is gone, it would probably be a gamble to say they even "want it" in the first place as much as they simply "are it".  whether they feel content with being submissive is more a question of how they feel about it "in general"; if they are fine with who they are in life outside the bedroom, they'll probably be fine with who they are in the bedroom regardless of arousal or anything else, if they're not fine with who they are, they'll probably be "not fine" for anyone involved with them. 

basically, there's no way to "switch it off" for one person, they simply are who they are; the other chooses to be this way for their own or for someone else's appeasement.

now if this is what you lose interest in, then i'd suggest just looking for someone who wants you acting submissive when you want to act and be treated that way (and how and what... not just anyone "dominant" is well suited for anyone "submissive"); get someone who syncs up with your mindset. 

if you can look for it, you can find it~

at least that's what i keep telling myself =p


< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 3/11/2010 2:34:02 AM >

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