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New to this..need some input please! - 3/7/2010 8:46:14 AM   
Renee7852


Posts: 88
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline
Good Sunday morning to All.....

I have a few questions that I should like to put before those who might care to add their input.

New to "this side of the whip" I lived as a slave for 7 years until I was told I had "too much Domme in me to be a good slave anymore". Fine. I stepped back from relationships in general and had no desire to be in one vanilla or otherwise until recently.

I am beginning to explore a new side of myself and I am enjoying every minute of it. The biggest benefit is that I have met a wonderful man who is submissive and we have hit it off unbelievably. Right now we are far apart distance wise but talk daily about the time that will change. We are compatible in every way and at this point I have no reason to think he is not being honest w/ me.....even going so far as to putting family members on the phone to chat with "the woman who makes him so happy".

My questions are: How do I go about finding a local Domme who might be willing to mentor me in some of the technical aspects of playing (I am a safety freak!!), Would there be a better way of learning than from a "mentor"? Can anyone recommend any Lifestyle books that might be beneficial? Mentally I think we are doing fine but when it gets down to actual real time play,.,.., I want everything to go perfectly for him. Any other suggestions???

Thanking anyone in advance who might care to comment.

Renee'
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RE: New to this..need some input please! - 3/7/2010 8:49:56 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		First off, Renee, congratulations on getting your feet wet again.

So all you want is topping practice and instruction.  Check for local groups that have couples willing to demo.  And with a little experience, I have no doubt that you will find lots of men willing to be topped in play sessions.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Renee7852)
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RE: New to this..need some input please! - 3/7/2010 8:57:12 AM   
Renee7852


Posts: 88
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline

Thanks Steven. I used to run our local munch and always had demos. They were wonderful, enlightening and I just believe that if you are going to play this way...you should do it safely.

I will double check w/ the two local groups and see what's going on. Thanks again.

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RE: New to this..need some input please! - 3/7/2010 9:04:26 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		Resident Sadist put together a great BDSM book list here: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

Also, seeing as though you were on the other side of the kneel for 7 years, you probably know more than you immediately realise.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: New to this..need some input please! - 3/7/2010 9:07:05 AM   
Renee7852


Posts: 88
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline
Thank you Lady A,

While I did have a great dominant partner lifestyle/playwise he was inherintly dishonest and that is why the relationship failed. I learned alot over the years but would love to perfect skills so that the man I met can enjoy great experiences as I did. I will definately check out that book! Thanks again.

Renee'

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RE: New to this..need some input please! - 3/7/2010 9:19:49 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm one of those folks who learn play techniques best by a combination of hands on as well as reading for background information.  The recommendation that I always give folks is to get out into your local BDSM community, attend munches, demos, and play parties.  That way, you can see for yourself who has a play style that you like that you want to learn from.  Most tops are more than happy to teach you what they know.  Personally, I'm a see it with My own eyes kind of person, so I put more faith in seeing what someone can do.  That way, I have more reason to believe they know what they are doing.

I actually don't suggest one mentor.  I've always been the type that, if I wanted to learn a play skill, I would observe others and find that person out there who did a particular thing better than anyone else and want to learn that one thing from that one person.  For example, the person who taught Me about wax wasn't the same person that I went to when I wanted to learn about needles.  The person that I learned the most about fire play wasn't the person that taught Me the most about predicament bondage, so on and so on.  Just like anything else, people have various strengths and skill levels in various things.  Find the person who does whatever it is the best and learn that one thing from them.

There are tons of books out there.  (I'm old fashioned and prefer books because they have more detail than one internet source.)  There is a very good book list here http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm that you can find a lot of resources.  What I would recommend would rely heavily on what interests you have.  For general info, I'd go with "The New Topping Book" or "Screw The Roses (Send Me The Thorns)".  If you're looking for specifics, you may be interested in "Jay Wiseman's Erotic Bondage Handbook," "Play Piercing" by Debra Addington, or "The Family Jewels" by Hardy Haberman. 

Along with safety, remember that topping/playing is supposed to be about fun.  Take what you learn and make it your own.  You don't have to be the greatest top in the world.  (I'm certainly not.)  Start slow and enjoy what you're doing.  Some things, you're only going to get better with practice.  Find what works for you and go from there.  The idea is to have a good time and both of you enjoying yourselves.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: New to this..need some input please! - 3/7/2010 11:07:38 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

Also, seeing as though you were on the other side of the kneel for 7 years, you probably know more than you immediately realise.



Exactly.  Having been a sub, you know what worked and what didn't work on you.  You probably played with people who were very skilled, and with some who weren't so skilled. Remember the lessons that you learned on the opposite side of the kneel.  Steal from those who were effective, and avoid the mistakes of those who weren't.

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RE: New to this..need some input please! - 3/7/2010 1:10:18 PM   
Renee7852


Posts: 88
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline

Thank you LP and you made some good points that I guess I had forgotten. When I ran the local munch I looked for the best presenters in their skill to come do our demos. I shall look into that again. It has been a long time since I was involved with the local & nearby communities due to health issues. I shall have to do some research and see who I can find.
I do have many L/s books but would also like to find some specifically geared toward Dominant women. Guess it never hurts to go back and start rereading some of the books I already own.
The man I found is edgier and has played a good bit so I guess there is a slight fear of disappointing him. Maybe that's just my own insecurity at being new.
Thank you for your advice. I have read many of your posts and do respect your opinion.

Renee'

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RE: New to this..need some input please! - 3/7/2010 1:12:35 PM   
Renee7852


Posts: 88
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline
Rochsub2009.....yes I did learn alot and so far, even w/ distance taken into consideration, things are going well "mental" wise. (if that makes sense). I guess I just want my technical skills to match what is in my head! :) When they do I will be in fine shape!

Thank you for your input!

Renee'

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RE: New to this..need some input please! - 3/7/2010 1:31:59 PM   
Ladynslave


Posts: 376
Joined: 7/30/2009
Status: offline 		Just remember, no matter how much you practice, nothing is perfect.  There will also be oops moments.  No need to feel like you disappointed anyone.  For instance, I dropped a section of a toy recently to give the other end a little tug.  The bulb of what I dropped fell off and bounced across the room.  Not sexy and not the desired effect, but we both got a pretty good laugh out of it.  It's all in what you make of it.

_____________________________

Women and cats will do what they please. Men and dogs need to relax and get used to the idea.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

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RE: New to this..need some input please! - 3/7/2010 1:47:26 PM   
Renee7852


Posts: 88
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline

Point well taken Lady. I find humor and laughter to be essential in any relationship, especially one like this and that is definately something we (the man I met & myself) both find important and do thoroughly enjoy. Just last evening he asked me if some of our "dungeon time" would just be fun for both us vs time of intense protocol. We do think alot alike! Thank you for your input.

Renee'

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RE: New to this..need some input please! - 3/7/2010 6:06:54 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Hi Renee, and congrats on moving forward!

I echo the suggestions to find different people with different skills to learn from. As far as practice goes, time to get creative! Try tying an old pillow to a post, using crayon to draw where the shoulders and ass are ... and flog away! If you're not sure if you're getting "wrap", you can try coloured chalk on the "no go" areas and sides ... you'll be able to see if you hit them. I recall MasterFireMaam had a great YouTube video on florentine flogging which was so clear ... I've lost the link during a computer glitch a while ago, but I am sure you will find it with a search. Don't forget you can be your own crash test dummy for things like clamps, peg zippers etc ... whilst it's true your tolerance may not be the same as his, it's better than nothing to have an idea of how bitey things are. Or whether the wax in that candle is too hot!

And yes, humour is essential, there will always be glitches! Good luck!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

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RE: New to this..need some input please! - 3/7/2010 8:37:24 PM   
Renee7852


Posts: 88
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline

Thank you Maam Jay! Words of wisdom are always appreciated. I have done some flogging, whipping etc in the past on male sub friends.... just need lots more practice I guess (Oh my poor pillows!) I need to get out and find who in my area is skilled in the area's we are interested in exploring.

Thank you again so much for your input! Renee'

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RE: New to this..need some input please! - 3/8/2010 3:14:32 AM   
Wickad


Posts: 428
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline 		(fast reply)

Congrats on finding your true nature. I also started as a submissive but soon realized that I had taken on the wrong role. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful mentor who let me come to my own conclusions while simply smiling and nodding at my frustration -lol.

As for books specifically on female Dominance ... I've been looking for one on that for quite some time myself. Claudia Varrin or Elise Sutton are two that I would NEVER recommend. If you do find a book specifically on female Dominance (VS. 'how to Top your man just the way he wants you to') please don't hesitate to post it here.

Wickad

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RE: New to this..need some input please! - 3/8/2010 5:47:02 AM   
Renee7852


Posts: 88
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline

Thank you Wickad..... I have visited Elise Sutton's website and I am looking for something different than it offers. I will continue to look for a good book or two on Female Dominance but......the big thing..... I believe......will be getting some *hands on* experience and finding out what works for the two of us!

Thank you again for taking the time to reply.

Renee'

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Profile   Post #: 15
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