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Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/11/2004 9:02:59 PM

monsieur42

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I read a lot of people's experience in BDSM on the various forums and people often refer to their previous subs or previous Mistress or Master. This made me wonder what is the average duration of a BDSM relation between a Dominant and a slave or submissive? Of course, I am talking of real life relationship, not pro-Domme ones. How long have they lasted in your own experience? Are these relationships more fragile than a romantic vanilla relationship?

Monsieur42

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/11/2004 9:08:33 PM

Sinergy

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My experience watching (my love in life is watching people) people in the BDSM lifestyle is that 90% of the relationships dont last longer than 3 months.

JM, CBW, BTYG

Sinergy

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/11/2004 9:16:06 PM

Valenia2003

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On the other hand:

I know of several d/s couples that have been together for years. I'm actually married to my dominant. It's like any other relationship, vanilla or otherwise. Some last only a short time while others last forever.

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/11/2004 9:19:07 PM

monsieur42

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

90% of the relationships dont last longer than 3 months.

Hi Sinergy,

and what would you say are the main causes of such a sort duration? realisation after a while that the match between the partners is not good enough? Or is 3 months long enough to erode the thrill and excitation of a new relationship? Or other reasons?

Monsieur42

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/11/2004 9:26:55 PM

Sinergy

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quote:

Hi Sinergy,

and what would you say are the main causes of such a sort duration? realisation after a while that the match between the partners is not good enough? Or is 3 months long enough to erode the thrill and excitation of a new relationship? Or other reasons?

Monsieur42

Well, since you asked me directly, Monsieur42, I am more than happy to share my opinion.

Relationships (from what I understand) start off with a pheremone burst where the two people screw like bunnies and everything is hunky dory. This lasts perhaps 6 months and is common to all relationships. After 6-12 months are up, the relationship becomes more endorphin based and the two are connected by ties deeper than the simple need to screw like bunnies. However, fights and disagreements happen, and the connection is more deep than a simple argument over which way to roll the toilet paper can break up.

It is my PERSONAL opinion that people in the BDSM lifestyle think they can make a D/s relationship be 24/7/365 screwing like bunnies and not balancing the checkbook and when the relationship tends towards the more endorphine/ less pheremone base they break up.

Does that answer your question?

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/11/2004 9:27:15 PM

monsieur42

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Valenia2003

It's like any other relationship, vanilla or otherwise. Some last only a short time while others last forever.

Hi Valenia2003,

I suppose that relationships that started as a committed relationship, such as in marriage, are more stable (not that marriages are necessarily all stables these days as we all know). Did your marriage evolved from vanilla to a D/S one or was D/S (or BDSM) part of your relationship even before you got married? If you started vanilla, do you think it helped building a solid foundation to your relationship and that it could otherwise have been more difficult to keep the relationship healthy?

Monsieur42

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/11/2004 9:32:49 PM

proudsub

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quote:

what is the average duration of a BDSM relation between a Dominant and a slave or submissive?

I have no idea what the average would be. My online relationship lasted almost 2 yrs, my first r/l one was 6 month but would have been longer if hubby hadn't found out, and now hubby has been my Dom for about 15 months, but i expect it to last the rest of our life together.

< Message edited by proudsub -- 9/11/2004 9:33:17 PM >

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/11/2004 9:33:58 PM

monsieur42

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

Does that answer your question?

Sinergy

Yes Sinergy, thank you.
My opinion is similar to yours but your explanation is better than what I could have come up with. I believe that bdsm partners must have something positive going between them outside the bdsm world otherwise, the relationship is bond (no pun intended) to fail.

Monsieur42

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/11/2004 9:37:01 PM

Valenia2003

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We were a d/s couple long before we were married. We were married 2 years ago but have been together as a d/s couple for about 5 1/2 years. Don't get me wrong, it has been an uphill battle but we are both really commited to making it work. The stress of immigration, being parents and the other day to day wars have made it tough but we are making our way through it.

Like any relationship, it just takes patience if you feel that it is worth hanging on to. A lot of relationships aren't but I got it lucky when I found my partner so early in the game.

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/11/2004 10:02:28 PM

Suleiman

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Actually, back when I was an active part of the community, most relationships seemed to be about as stable as their vanilla counterparts. That being said, I believe that Synergy's estimate is about right, and for essentially the reasons listed. Ever bothered to observe the shelf life of the average vanilla relationship?

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/11/2004 10:13:55 PM

perverseangelic

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Well, I don't know abuot the average but I have been in 3 realationships of which power exchange was a large part. One lasted almost 2 years, one lasted four months, and one has been going for 2 years and is still here ;)

For me, my shortest realtionship ended because the guy in question was an abusive fuck and I finally got smart. The first 2 year relationship ended because the person who I am with now decided he wanted to be my primary collar holder. (We went from semi-polyamourous to mon-amourous)

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/12/2004 2:03:57 PM

LadyAngelika

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Wow perverseangelic... all that experience at 21. Can I ask how you discovered BDSM so young? I started discovering as a mid-teen when I discovered fetish photography books at a place where I babysat (yes they were on the top shelf but I had a feeling all the good stuff would be on the top shelf so I got me a chair and went snooping!) I got to start experimenting consciously (why I mean by this is being aware that we were engaging in a power exchange dynamic) at 19 but it was with a Dom guy with experience and having a Domme personality myself, well let's just say we both became well versed in resistance play.

One of the things I find most excellent about more accessible information via such mediums as the Internet is that people can discover things at a younger age. I think a lot of people who find themselves discovering BDSM in mid-life.

To tie this all into the topic, perhaps when people discover and get comfortable with their sexual desires at a young age, they might have more of a chance at making a long term relationship in this dynamic work? That is just a thought and I'm not even so sure that it has any accuracy... I'm just throwing it out there for debate.

- LA

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/12/2004 4:42:45 PM

perverseangelic

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

Wow perverseangelic... all that experience at 21. Can I ask how you discovered BDSM so young? I started discovering as a mid-teen when I discovered fetish photography books at a place where I babysat (yes they were on the top shelf but I had a feeling all the good stuff would be on the top shelf so I got me a chair and went snooping!) I got to start experimenting consciously (why I mean by this is being aware that we were engaging in a power exchange dynamic) at 19 but it was with a Dom guy with experience and having a Domme personality myself, well let's just say we both became well versed in resistance play.

Well, 22 now :) When people ask me this I generally tell them I've always known what I want, but I didnt' always know it was something "real."

I started play slave and servant girl at about 6, and hunted up books with torture scenes. I knew I wanted to try 'stuff like that' but figured I was probably weird for it. As I got older, and sex started to figure in everything, the games always included a sexual component. (It's funny looking back, because I didn't quite understand the mechanics of sex, so my imaginings were a little...off. :) )

quote:

"One of the things I find most excellent about more accessible information via such mediums as the Internet is that people can discover things at a younger age. I think a lot of people who find themselves discovering BDSM in mid-life."

I got on the internet when I was about 14 and it opened up my world. I found out I -wasn't- the only person who wanted the things I wanted and though about the thigns I thought about.

I'm painfully shy and have social anxiety disorder, so for me the internet is a godsend. Even when I was much younger I was able to communicate well in writing, and can pass for quite a bit older than I am. While it wasn't the most moral thing to do, I became active in BDSM related chats quite young, and learned the basic mechanics of online bdsm.

(Never, ever, sought to meet people. I realized I could get them in trouble)

So, yeah, the internet made it real, and I became unafraid to talk to my partners about it. Turned out the first girl I ever admited I had a crush on was also 'like me' :) My reallife experience kinda snowballed

quote:

To tie this all into the topic, perhaps when people discover and get comfortable with their sexual desires at a young age, they might have more of a chance at making a long term relationship in this dynamic work? That is just a thought and I'm not even so sure that it has any accuracy... I'm just throwing it out there for debate.

- LA

I'm not sure what I think about that. I think that I happened to find wonderful people whom I interacted with well. I'm upfront about my sexuality and sexual preferences with potential partners, and I think that helps quite a lot.

Also, though, the person I'm with is simply amazing, and we were lucky to meet each other. I think a -lot- is simple luck. I've had the good fortune to meet people who were perfect for the places I was at.

Ooooo. self absorbed post. But hey, I'm going on vacation for 2 weeks, so you-all won't have to deal with me :)

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/12/2004 5:27:49 PM

monsieur42

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quote:

from LA:
To tie this all into the topic, perhaps when people discover and get comfortable with their sexual desires at a young age, they might have more of a chance at making a long term relationship in this dynamic work?

I think you're right Lady Angelika. Many people of my generation discovered their true nature, or at least understood and accepted it, somewhere through their mid-life. Looking back, I knew I had kinky fantaisies and desires from a young age but I only discovered in my late twenties that there was this whole lot of people out there with similar feelings and that it was actually OK to have such feelings. Would I have discovered this when I was still a teenager, the rest of my life would probably have been different. Now, that makes me wonder if young adults these days are really more opened about their kinky desires when starting a new relationship? But this is the subject for a different forum topic.

Monsieur42

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/12/2004 6:46:57 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
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quote:

I read a lot of people's experience in BDSM on the various forums and people often refer to their previous subs or previous Mistress or Master. This made me wonder what is the average duration of a BDSM relation between a Dominant and a slave or submissive? Of course, I am talking of real life relationship, not pro-Domme ones. How long have they lasted in your own experience? Are these relationships more fragile than a romantic vanilla relationship?

My first Dom and I were together 10 years. Only reason we are not now is because he was transferred. He also wanted to get married like that day. I was'nt ready for marriage. He released me to pursue better things in life. It was very mutual.

I've been with Doug 5 1/2 so far. Our wedding is next June.

However, BDSM relationships seem to last around 6 month's max. I feel the reason for that has nothing to do with the lifestyle. If two people don't know how to truly get to know one another. It collapses. Sex and lust only last so long. Then what do you do? If that is all you have you break up. For some reason they have tried every play technique they can in 6 months. Then go off to pursue new conquests.

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/12/2004 8:29:42 PM

subbiejenn

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i think all depends on the couples just like a regular vanilla relationship. Depends what both partners want out of the relationship...

i feel like the D/s relationship is more honest and much more romantic then a vanilla relationship. the bond is stronger, the communication is stronger...

i don't want to even think about my relationship with my Dom ending :(( i want it to last forever and only get stronger and deeper...

Just my thoughts...

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/13/2004 5:05:20 AM

LadyAngelika

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perverseangelic,

Your account seems similar to mine, though I had to rely on books and photographs.

I was about 20 the first time I went on the Internet and that was 1992. I started finding kink stuff online around 1998, because I stumbled upon it. I had never thought of looking for it before that.

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 9/13/2004 6:23:14 AM

Destinysskeins

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Greetings,

i very much agree with Sinergy's opinions on this discussion. So many people, both in D/s & vanilla relationships, expect the puppy love, screw me until i pass out stage to last - which it doesn't (though it can be revived in smaller doses

).

i do think that D/s couples might have a greater disposition to falling victim to this simply because there are so many other compatibilities that they can search for in each other. So much time is spent finding out if one's flogging/whipping hand suits the other that oftentimes the simple things that really make a relationship can be overlooked.

Personally, someone has to be compatible with the 'vanilla' things in my life to make a good Partner for me. They must be a lover and a friend before my Dominant because that's the foundation that i can find strength in when the relationship becomes the ball you sometimes have to push up the slope instead of the rocket you were riding to the stars a months ago. Another thing that i find incredibly important within a relationship is the 'fighting compatiblity'. Every couple has disagreements and every person deals with conflicts in their own way. i think it's important that my Partner's method of dealing with this be compatible with my own.

Well wishes

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 10/2/2004 9:47:55 PM

Nvernilla

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I think a bdsm relationship must be like any other...the better and harder you work at it the longer it lasts. When the romance dies the love can not be far behind....Mike

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RE: Average duration of a BDSM relationship? - 10/2/2004 10:03:43 PM

newflowers

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I think that it may seem that BDSM relationships are of shorter duration than vanilla ones, however, as stated, that is largely dependent upon the amount of time and effort those in the relationship wish to invest in it. It also seems to me that when the desires are so strong and one finally finds a partner, they wish to pursue full tilt that which they have hungered for for so long. So, yes, there is a great deal of hormonal intensity mixed in with the omg at last feelings.

The problem with this is that the partners may not be entering the relationship for the same reasons. For one, it may be excitment that there is an opportunity to *do* all of the things of which they have dreamed for so long, while the other is thinking of happily ever after. Most of us have been in prior relationships and our pasts directly impact what how we act and react in our current and future relationships. One may be filling a void left from a broken relationship and the other ready to begin and work toward a new one. One may be experimenting and the other looking for "the one." When you have two people with such divergent intentions and needs, the possibility of lasting is diminished. However, should there be two with the same intentions, similar goals, similar starting points - not in terms of experience necessarily, but in terms of emotional availability, the possibility of a lasting relationship is more likely.

newflowers

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Post #: 20

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