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TreasureKY -> The Green-Eyed Monster (3/11/2010 5:51:35 PM)
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Not too many months ago I read an article exploring jealousy where one small paragraph created a very big "lightbulb" moment for me. After reading through some of the responses in the "Dealing with Womanitis", I feel compelled to share some of my epiphany.
First, I truly wish I could recall the name of the article... or even where I read it. As I'm currently in Vegas, I don't have access to my main computer so I can't even comb through my bookmarks to see if I'd saved it. I apologize for that.
Nevertheless, what the article contained was a very simple statement made by one woman that managed to verbalized what I'd never before been able to pinpoint, even in my own mind, about what causes a lot of jealousy.
Many people are quick to attribute jealousy to insecurity. Well... I'm not an insecure person, but I've been known to suffer from jealousy from time to time. I don't really buy the "insecurity" cause... mostly because I feel it's a term people bandy about without understanding. But that's a subject for a whole different thread...
Another pat answer is to attribute jealousy to lack of trust, but that doesn't work for me, either.
Now I agree that jealousy in some people can be caused by either insecurity or lack of trust, but after reading this article I truly believe that most jealousy has another, simpler explanation.
So what did the article say?
In one word... attention.
Think about it. When we're in a relationship, one of the things we want most from our partner is their attention. Having their attention raises us above the crowd... makes us feel that we're "special" to our partner... shows us that we matter to them. It creates a level of intimacy.
I'm not talking about the puppy dog, hanging on to every word, unable to separate even for brief moments kind of attention. No... just a "you mean more to me than anyone or anything else" kind of attention. When we pay attention to someone, we're really sharing ourselves with them.
So... how does that work into jealousy?
It really does boil down to a numbers game. Now most women don't keep a scorecard, literally... but we are attuned to general trends. If our partner is gone to work for nine hours, stops for a beer with friends after work for another couple of hours, comes home but can't spare 10 minutes to sit and talk with us because he has to run catch his favorite sport on TV, then declines to come to bed with us because he's busy on his computer perusing porn... well, if that pattern continues I guarantee that a woman is going to begin to feel a bit neglected.
The man, on the other hand is going to say, "What? I worked hard all day making money to support us, I deserve some time with friends... some down time to relax with the TV... and I just enjoy looking at beautiful women! What's wrong with that?!"
Nothing really... but with little to no attention paid to the woman, it's not a good way to keep a relationship strong and healthy, or your partner happy. Of course, if your relationship and partner aren't worth a little of your time and attention... well, keep it up and you probably won't have to worry about it for long. [;)]
With this example, I don't mean to imply that the fault always lies with the man. Attention works both ways in equal measure. The trick is to find a balance that works for both partners. Easier said, than done, of course.
I suppose how we deal with feelings of jealousy is what most people have a problem with. Unfortunately, from the complaints made it sounds like most people do it badly. But perhaps if we stopped and tried to understand a little more about where the other person is coming from, we could avoid the problem in the first place.
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