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Taking Charge - 3/31/2006 9:52:23 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Moving into the vanilla side of life---I am posting this for a student as it is a topic we discussed this morning and would like to hear what the community has to say--
 
You have met S/someone ( could be Dom/me to Sub/slave or the reverse)--there is an agreement that a relationship exists and things progress---but there are two established lives in place--vanilla lives as we all have--
 
Dom/mes: when do You begin or how do You begin to take control over some of the vanilla aspects? Or do You?
 
Submissives/ slaves: When do you LET the Dominant start to take control or feel comfortable giving over some or all control? If ever?
 
Or does it continue to be compromises?

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

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RE: Taking Charge - 3/31/2006 10:07:46 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314
Dom/mes: when do You begin or how do You begin to take control over some of the vanilla aspects? Or do You?

Mostly only when I feel there's a need to.  If they are doing things smoothly, it's getting done without hassle or stress, why break it with me taking over?

But if there's something going wrong- like staying up late because you're surfing the net, or having medical problems and not going to the doctor, or you need car maintenences...then it's time to use the authority and teach them/get them in gear.
 
And it's usually a process- I sit down with them and go over what I want, they give me feedback so I can put things in a better context and framework, we establish agreement on consequences and most of all, I get direct assurance from them that they WANT this and understand that they are agreeing to my authority.  I know some people might feel its overkill, but I prefer to have OVERunderstanding on the part of the sub rather than mis or UNDERunderstanding.  Asserting authority and enforcing authority is work on my part, I need to make sure they are going to do the work on their part.

 
quote:


Submissives/ slaves: When do you LET the Dominant start to take control or feel comfortable giving over some or all control? If ever?

Depends on the person.  With my ex owner, it was as soon as he walked in the door of my apartment.  With my local partner it's been developing over months and is still just beginning.
 
quote:


Or does it continue to be compromises?

Life forces constant compromises.  Ds and Ms to me isn't about lists of rules that life will sweep in and turn asunder- it's a dynamic that flows through ALL situations and contexts and allows for inevitable storms and chaos.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Taking Charge - 3/31/2006 10:14:28 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I begin to do this as they feel fit to surrender it to me. Before then, I will offer advice and council, but I would never force them. This doesn't mean that I wouldn't give a FIRM bit of council for their own good or that I wouldn't make it known that I would like for them to surrender certain things to me as the relationship grew.

For example, the date that jason was supposed to ship out kept changing. he couldn't leave his current duty station, even though her was on leave, to visit his family because he was mending from knee surgery. When he got final notice about the date, it was about 10 day's notice. I didn't MAKE him go see his family, but I very firmly told him that he had to. Given a preference, we would have both wanted to spend those 10 days together. But, there was no way I was going to let him go to Germany for 2 years and not say goodbye to his parents in person.

Another example: my girl is surrendering financial involvement to me. This means that I will be on her accounts and such. She trusts me not to take advantage of this, but to use it as it would benefit the household. Right now, my choice is that she keeps what she earns.

Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

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RE: Taking Charge - 3/31/2006 10:27:31 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
You must rely on your intuition.

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RE: Taking Charge - 3/31/2006 10:38:45 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		No set when, each person is diffrent, each relationship moves at a diffrent pace. When it crops up as an issue then it is looked at to see if the time is right to begin controling it.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

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RE: Taking Charge - 3/31/2006 11:11:29 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

Moving into the vanilla side of life---I am posting this for a student as it is a topic we discussed this morning and would like to hear what the community has to say--

You have met S/someone ( could be Dom/me to Sub/slave or the reverse)--there is an agreement that a relationship exists and things progress---but there are two established lives in place--vanilla lives as we all have--

Dom/mes: when do You begin or how do You begin to take control over some of the vanilla aspects? Or do You?

Submissives/ slaves: When do you LET the Dominant start to take control or feel comfortable giving over some or all control? If ever?

Or does it continue to be compromises?


For me, after a certain amount of time and when their are mutual goals, I find we both slip in and out of what I call "Scene space". When this happens, it means that I need to schedule a time to have a talk with the person.

The talk focuses on whether this is really happening to both of us, is it good or bad, and do we want to continue pushing the Ds outside of the structured scene. In short, we renegotiate the boundaries of what we do.

There are things I just don't frankly want any control over either because I think its unrealistic (health, feelings, thoughts, opinions -- can be influenced but I don't think I could control them in another person) or because I just find it be more work and stress for me.

So I don't control Fox's job in any way -- I'll give him advice and opinion, but I'm not going to tell him to quit one or take one.

I don't control his finances though I might say "buy me this" and he must contribute to the household funds.

I don't control what he wears though I have made my preferences clear and he often seeks my approval when he dresses, especially dresses up.

I don't control who his friends are though he must get permission to go out with them or, in one case, to join a gaming group.

I don't control contact with his family though, again, I do give my opinion when I feel they are being nasty to him.

I think most of the above are part of him being an adult and I own an adult so I want him to act like one and learn to take the responsiblities of one. He will not be with me forever -- even if it is merely one of our deaths that separate us -- so I want him to be very self-sufficient.

I do control other things though: food eaten at home, entertainment together, sex, a list of chores he does around the house.

I greatly influence more: his friends (most of them he got via me), political and social ideas (but we overlaped a lot), exercise, his kink knowledge and experiences, and music tastes.

We negotiated what I wanted to control and what he wanted controled and found out that there was a great deal of overlapping. Thus it wasn't really hard for us. Fox calls it "natural Ds" because we do what feels right to us.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Taking Charge - 3/31/2006 11:39:26 AM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		Good question, MH!!!  And one that might be hard to fully explain in text.  I can only try...
 
Time...Begin to be accountable to Me for the 24 hours in your day, on an honest and consistent basis. Sharing your day, and being accountable for how you may have inappropriately and unecessarily spent some of that time is a big step in accepting the authority a boy claims to want over his life.  Life is time...and what you do with that time.
Show the self discipline you have by maintaining time that you have promised to Me.
Be ready to give Me that time with no worries that something else more important came up.  Put Me first and don't only follow through when you are in the mood.
If that is happening, over a consistent period, then the rest will fall into place. 
Of course I always come from a perspective that I am seeking a slave as owned property. I always try to impress upon a boy not to offer such a thing, even for exploration, if he doesn't understand what it means.  You may be able to be My "slave" for 3 hours every other Wednesday, but I am not interested in that.  Especially when the 3 hours become 2, and the every other Wednesday becomes, "I can't get there this week, Ma'am."

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


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RE: Taking Charge - 3/31/2006 11:40:00 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		On the vanilla side, I take controll when I get fed up and tired. For example, when pet and I went shoping for our apartment atire, I allowed her to pick out curtins, sheets, rugs, etc.... When she came to the point of not being able to decide which of her favorites she wanted, I gave the altimatum to choose now or I'll choose for her and that would be it. This goes for ordering  food when we go out to eat, choosing movies to watch, and where to go on our days off work.  A dom can only put up with so much of hearing "Do I want this or do I want that? Or do I want this and that or that and this?"

Anyhow, it's also important to take controll during emergency situations that calls for organization and or evacuation.  



_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

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RE: Taking Charge - 3/31/2006 11:41:49 AM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

Submissives/ slaves: When do you LET the Dominant start to take control or feel comfortable giving over some or all control? If ever?  


The day we got married 37 years ago and i agreed to "obey". However we knew nothing about BDSM and didn't take it to the bedroom until about 3 years ago.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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RE: Taking Charge - 3/31/2006 7:20:49 PM   
liks2plzlf


Posts: 390
Joined: 7/21/2005
Status: offline 		Very interesting! I hope many more Dommes will share the views on this. I believe it helps us new sub/slaves better understand what is expected of us. Well at least how soon!

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RE: Taking Charge - 3/31/2006 7:48:59 PM   
MstrFury


Posts: 77
Joined: 2/1/2006
Status: offline 		some consider me a control freak....I see it as order....I don't micro mannage each and every aspect of every detail of every breath you take....I just know I have a beginning and an end to how I want something to occur....the inbetween is all relative to the situation.... therefore I guess you could say I take control from the moment you greet me....it starts with how firm a handshake I get...that guides me to how I'll treat you....(hint..don't step to me like you're a wuss or I'll treat you as such)...in general...I try to treat everyone with respect...you earn more of me by way of trust if you...be honest.......if I find out you aren't....can you twist up like a pretzel....

Fury

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RE: Taking Charge - 3/31/2006 8:01:26 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		To the OP...having not been in this situation as yet,all I can contribute is IMO it would happen in a flowing manner...as my trust grows, so would the increase of power be turned over exponentially......Tempting

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RE: Taking Charge - 3/31/2006 8:45:04 PM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline 		MH,

I don't think we had any time table, or talks about it.  I just took control.  It just happened while things evolved. 

K

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RE: Taking Charge - 3/31/2006 8:49:38 PM   
Angeni


Posts: 88
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

Moving into the vanilla side of life---I am posting this for a student as it is a topic we discussed this morning and would like to hear what the community has to say--
 
You have met S/someone ( could be Dom/me to Sub/slave or the reverse)--there is an agreement that a relationship exists and things progress---but there are two established lives in place--vanilla lives as we all have--
 
Dom/mes: when do You begin or how do You begin to take control over some of the vanilla aspects? Or do You?
 
Submissives/ slaves: When do you LET the Dominant start to take control or feel comfortable giving over some or all control? If ever?
 
Or does it continue to be compromises?

It would really depend on how well the 'relationship' was going. I tend to follow my instincts pretty closely; if it feels right, then I let things progress. If it feels wrong, then I question it. As for compromises, there are compromises to be made on both sides early on in the relationship, until both feel comfortable with how things are progressing. Just my own opinion though.

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RE: Taking Charge - 4/1/2006 2:07:26 AM   
fldrkhorse


Posts: 158
Joined: 11/5/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Dom/mes: when do You begin or how do You begin to take control over some of the vanilla aspects? Or do You?

This is timely as I've recently met someone, a novice yet curious. It's been my expereince novices come to the table not understanding thier urges/desires, so the beginning is 1. getting them to be patient, 2. finding their comfort zone,  and 3. open the door to endless communication. As the process evolves and the person becomes more comfortable with the DOM and themselves, the vanilla aspects will take care of themselves. You can lead but you cannot rush. You can counsel but you cannot demand. Too much too soon will only send them running for the hills. As part of the endless communiction I want to know what's the fantasy you see in your head? What fetishes interest you? What do you fantasize about when you masturbate? The deeper inside the head you get the more vanilla gets forced out. That being said, everyone has a vanilla life and it's all about finding balance and comfort between the two.

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I'm not where I need to be, but I'm better than I was yesterday.

Namaste, I honor the divine in you

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RE: Taking Charge - 4/1/2006 3:12:31 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		I dont know if this is a too simplified answer...but I let Master take control as he took/takes it.

I cant remember the exact moment I decided, or if I ever did, it was a very natural process for me and an ongoing one...but at some point I became willing.



< Message edited by slavejali -- 4/1/2006 3:20:17 AM >

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

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RE: Taking Charge - 4/1/2006 3:31:27 AM   
LionessInBoots


Posts: 46
Joined: 9/23/2004
Status: offline 		it basically depends on the sub and Dominant. each relationship is different. I am currently in a relationship online . she submits all control to Me. she is allowed to buy food and gas but anything other than that she will ask permission to purchase. this was her wish her bills were getting out of hand so I took control. I make sure she eats and gets to her doc appointments and so on..she will seek permission to go out to the movies, dinner, with friends.  she writes a detailed report of her day and feelings so I know if there are any problems that she is having that needs to be addressed. we started off as friends and went into a D/s relationship. shes a wonderful girl and has grown very much. Im very proud of how far she has come. to Me its about nurturing and caring and making sure thier needs are met.

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RE: Taking Charge - 4/1/2006 4:05:27 AM   
LordKhensu


Posts: 44
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline 		I begin to take control only when I feel that the submissive truly has established a trust with me. There needs to be that foundation in place for her to know that I shall do everything I can in her bests interests. I have had to even oversee homework for one who was attending school at night after work. She was getting overwhelmed and needed help with the myriad of assignments, what to do, when to do it, etc. Everything does seem to fall into place at the right time if you have the patience!

_____________________________

Watch that first step! It's a big one!

It is just when you feel you know it all that you discover how little you really do!

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RE: Taking Charge - 4/1/2006 5:35:39 AM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		This is a good question and one that is timely for me.  As I am having the opportunity to spend more time with my sub now than ever before, I am at the point where I am trying to decide when it's right to establish a more structured protocol.  We have a few things in place that have been consistently working, but we both would like to take it a step further.  We don't live together (we live an hour away from each other), so there are some limitations. 

My sub is going through a transitional period in his life right now, and I am waiting for things to get more settled with him.  Knowing the right time to take control of some of the vanilla aspects is something that's been on my mind.  We openly communicate all of the time, and plan to have a conversation about the deeper aspects of control.  It's important to know he is ready to take that step in order for me to be able to fully exert my control over those things.  It needs to be a mutual agreement that the dynamic is present.
 
Be well,
Julie

< Message edited by LadyJulieAnn -- 4/1/2006 5:36:21 AM >

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RE: Taking Charge - 4/1/2006 7:42:24 AM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Very good question MH, thank you.
 
I take very little control over the vanilla aspects of their lives.  This is because I don't need to.  I don't take on subs whose lives are in a shambles or in need of fixing.  I deal with people that have it all together and want to be controlled.  So they tend to ask for direction or guidance, but all in all most of their life is in order and working.
 
Like GoddessDustyGold, my subs are in daily contact and when we talk we discuss their daily lives.  If I see an unhealthy pattern developing or some aspect of their life that's having a negative effect on them I will discuss it with them and evaluate what can and should be done to correct the situation.  I will not get involved in a family matter unless either my sub asks me to do so, or the effect on their life is such that they need me to step in. 



_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


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