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Andalusite -> RE: Sadism and submission. (3/14/2010 9:02:17 AM)
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D/s can be very rewarding, but I still don't understand what that has to do with sadism. They can co-exist, but one isn't required for the other. If someone was dominant only for the payoffs, rather than because that was what worked for them with their partner, it seems like that would be a very strange headspace to be in.
I think there can be a *LOT* of performance pressure and expectations attached to roles, but fortunately, I've encountered that more on forums like this, and to a lesser extent within the public scene, than I have in my personal relationships. For years, I hadn't experienced submission, even though I enjoyed bottoming. That wasn't an issue with the men I was actually dating or in relationships with, until I started doing some casual play at BDSM events when I was single. After a couple of guys going on about how deeply I was submitting, or how beautiful my submission was, when I was just bottoming, I stopped playing with them, and asked more questions about that upfront. It was as awkward as if they'd crowed over how many times I'd orgasmed, when I just *hadn't*! I got that from a lot of people who were watching as well, but that didn't bother me nearly as much. I had some run-ins, both in person and online, with people who insisted that I was submissive based on either my gender or my demeanor, but nobody who I actually cared about or was involved with, so it was fairly easy to dismiss them.
It seemed (and still does) that the vast majority of M/s and D/s relationships involved a lot of her getting used sexually when she was upset, sick, angry, or whatever, and that submissives and slaves were expected to get turned on or get off literally at the snap of fingers. It's like the Soup Nazi on South Park: "No foreplay for you!" The people involved seemed perfectly content and happy with that, but it wouldn't work for me, just like there are loads of people who love mushrooms, but I just don't.[:D] Also, almost all of them had a "one strike and you're out" policy. Fortunately, neither my Master nor my previous Dominant had those approaches to it, or those expectations of me. I'm glad I was able to get past all of the *general* expectations of those roles, and focus on the specifics of *their* expectations. For several years, I automatically ruled out any potential partners based on their D/s orientation, but once I actually reacted submissively to someone, I decided that I'd be open to it, but very cautiously, with lots of questions.
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