getting it back (Full Version)

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subinmi -> getting it back (3/14/2010 4:18:35 PM)

The Dom I serve and I are in our upper 50's.  About 3 months after starting to serve him he became very ill.  In my mind I have always served my Master but along the line somewhere he started to see me as his caregiver and not his sub.  While he can play again and does play with others he has no interest in playing with me.  On the rare occasional he does play with me it seems forced and not a thrill a minute for either of us.  I have made sure to stop all the behavior's he defined as 'caregiver' and I know he loves me very much, as I do him. He also does not like the idea of now having to do things differently than he used to. We can do all the same stuff we did we just need to make adjustments for each of our limitations.  I have arthritis and am used to finding different ways to do the things I need to and have made several suggestions about changes we can make. I have even helped him play with others accommodating the new limitations  How do we get that D/s back?  I don't want to be just a service sub.  I need to play too.



osf -> RE: getting it back (3/14/2010 4:24:53 PM)

see if there is a mast group near you that you can attend

here is the link http://www.mast.net/

look for a heterosexual or pan-sexual group

they often discuss problems such as yours and it is mostly couples living ds ms relationships



subinmi -> RE: getting it back (3/14/2010 4:38:56 PM)

Thank You for the idea, but there isn't a chapter in our state and the forums on the MAsT homepage are under construction.



tsatske -> RE: getting it back (3/14/2010 4:49:18 PM)

I tried to write to you on the other side, but you have no profile.

I belong to a mailing list intended only for slaves in TPE relationships. You might find such a list very helpful since you do not have a Mast group near you. I personally do not feel the need for a Mast group for me, the munch to which I belong has many M/s couples.

The mailing list to which I was refering is always supportive and pro Master, down talking another girls Master is serriously not allowed. I find it helpful to have others of a like lifestyle and mind to talk with.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: getting it back (3/14/2010 5:14:04 PM)

You have no visible profile either here or on the other side. What state are you in?

(to osf: thanks for the link, cutie! [:)] )



subinmi -> RE: getting it back (3/14/2010 5:17:04 PM)

I am in Michigan.  ( aah hence sub in Mi)  sorry gotta find humor where I can right now.  



subinmi -> RE: getting it back (3/14/2010 5:45:21 PM)

quote:

New Messages
subinmi
Vanilla



Posts: 6
Joined: 4/15/2007
From: Michigan
Status: offline I am in Michigan. ( aah hence sub in Mi) sorry gotta find humor where I can right now.

I have also turned my profile back on



DesFIP -> RE: getting it back (3/14/2010 6:02:48 PM)

You need to sit down and talk to him. Tell him how unhappy you are and ask how things can change? If he cannot top you, but he can top others, then why can't you bottom for others? Both of you need to be happy. Start brainstorming a solution because otherwise the resentment will grow and the relationship will fade.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: getting it back (3/14/2010 6:07:04 PM)

What does he say when you talk to him about this???? [8|]


Off the top of my head:

1.) If he doesn't like the idea of doing things differently than before, because of the new physical limitations: you two could try new activities that neither one of you has done before. That way there would be no nagging memories of how much easier it used to be, or better, etc.

2.) He could adjust his thought process. We all get older, and you seem to be taking it in stride. Can you teach him to adjust his thoughts as you have? Or if he's depressed, can you insist that he (or both of you) get some professional help? He's getting older- he's not dead. He can be helped, and he can still grow and change and have a good, fulfilling life with you, if he wants to.

3.) If you feel he is really taking you for granted, and dragging you down with negativity, and not making a consistent effort to address your needs over time... Remember you can vote with your feet. Sometimes all someone needs is a wakeup call, for them to get the motivation to put forth the proper effort. And sometimes love is just not enough, and people may need to save themselves.



littlewonder -> RE: getting it back (3/14/2010 6:07:54 PM)

I'm guessing he plays with others where he doesn't need to state his limitations and they don't have your limitations. He can do the things he enjoys without having to be told "you can't do that because of your illness/my illness". Playing with you probably reminds him of these and it's basically a downer for him.

My only suggestion is maybe to try some roleplay? Other than that I guess you could suggest to him that you find a play partner as well outside of him so that you get your desires met as well. Good luck.



osf -> RE: getting it back (3/14/2010 6:42:06 PM)

Can you get someone else to do to you in front of him what you want done, say at parties or munches, etc?




aldompdx -> RE: getting it back (3/15/2010 2:56:25 AM)

Know your true priorities, and then pursue them. If your ultimate priorities do not include your present partner, then that is your answer.

You may want to consider that D/s was merely a means to the end of sharing deeper intimacy and love. If you are already at that end, you need not rely upon the means. Find what you both feel inspired to mutually share with each other.



sirsholly -> RE: getting it back (3/15/2010 4:29:35 AM)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna-whore_complex

Possibly the op was placed in the "Madonna" role when he was sick?



Fitznicely -> RE: getting it back (3/15/2010 7:52:33 AM)

Been in the same boat: gout, arthritis, high blood pressure and undiagnosed diabetes has made me feel very old and past it for the past couple of years. I'm not saying my issues are anything like as bad as the OP's partner, but I can certainly sympathise.

What pulled it around for me was getting medicated for the physical health problems, and feeling like a human being again rather than a glorified sleep machine. Also, I have a wonderful girl who did a good job of convincing me I wasn't actually past it. I dug out some forums where other people were discussing my ailments and how they dealt with their sex lives, and that opened my eyes greatly, too.

I am also beggining to rebuild my physical strength, as I had let my body go a lot. The boost of endorphins, testosterone and self-confidence this is giving me has made life immeasurably better.

I also have an offer of viagra from the Doc, but haven't taken her up on it yet, as all the positive steps I'm taking seem to have revived not just the old man, but my libido, and how [:D]

Certainly, the OP's circumstances will be different from mine. I'm at least 15 years younger, for a start, but I hope some of what I've said might be helpful.



Lockit -> RE: getting it back (3/15/2010 11:15:08 AM)

I'm with Holly here. When someone gets real sick and needs assistance, it can effect a number of things. I can see where he may be very thankful for the assistance and may be looking at the op differently now. Also, there may be some aspect of fear from realizing how vulnerable he could be. Life can be over just like that and becoming very ill and being limited somehow, you may feel you need to put all the life you can in life, while you can.

Op, talk to him and I hope all goes well for you both!



peppermint -> RE: getting it back (3/15/2010 12:22:19 PM)

Men are rather strange about being seen by another as weak, especially a submissive.  You saw him at a very vulnerable time of his life.  You saw his weakness.  You were the stronger so you cared for him.  It is possible that he might never forget that.  If may be that he's embarrassed to have been that way and you are a constant reminder.  All you can do is discuss the problem with him.  Whether that changes things for the better is anyone's guess.  



dragon200070 -> RE: getting it back (4/27/2010 3:06:04 PM)

I would question the state of his libido. If fhe plays with others, it's just a sort of confusion. I'd suggest a kink-friendly counselor.

Jeff



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