Do you have to fit in a box? (Full Version)

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plantlady64 -> Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 3:49:12 PM)

Hello All,
I just found the lifestyle as who I was insidea little over a year ago on 2/24/05.
It's been an huge releif to finally understand why I'd felt like something was missing in my life.  I'd searched for the man to be my King and Lord of my Castle and heart way before I knew I was into BDSM. In all my relationships and dates my whole life I felt flat, and could never quite put my finger on what was missing, till my awakening showed me who I am.

I have trained hard this past year as I wanted to know all I could about WIITWD. I've joined Black Rose & attended their educational seminars, munches, presentations and dungeon events constantly. I'm a member of four BDSM oriented lists. I'm in two other web sites other than this one. I've read several full BDSM sites like the frugaldomme & castlerealm. I'm a member and attending a local dungeon. I'm a member of the Woodhull Freedom Foundation. I've scened with lots of experienced Dom's in public events and done some pretty extreme exploring in my sensation play. I've also in one year read over 20 books like Different loving, The ethical slut Etc...And I love who I am enough I don't hide it from anyone. I'm proud to be in this lifestyle. I've even converted 6 vanilla people I knew when I discussed this new side of me with them.

I feel I have a really good grasp on the concepts of this life as I have made it my lifes focus and explored it hard so far.

I as you may have read in these forums prior, over the last year, I was what you'd term a bottom initially to the man that exposed my kink to me for the first time. I then knew in every fibre of who I am this is my path that I belong on. I finally knew what had been missing from my life to make me able to be whole and complete. I then became a sumbissive seeking a Master. I found him in March last year. He's a very good man & has been in the lifestyle over 25 years. I took his training collar in April, moved in 24/7 in July and by November I knew I was more slave oriented in my relationship with him and was granted permission to be his training collared slave instead.

Well, unfortunately some things happened where he broke our contract (private not to be discussed here). Due to the fact we discussed how my trust and respect had been really affected by his actions he released me three weeks ago. He said he accepts responsibility for his actions to the point that if he's done things that made me not trust him he can't be my Master anymore as he does not deserve my servitude. We now classify ourselves as a vanilla couple. I love him, my life is wrapped around his much like your skin is wrapped around you. As his slave I tried with all my might to be good, to make him proud, to take good care of him and our home, to carry my weight. I in essence completely lived to make him happy and proud of me.
He says I did not fail in this. I say I must have failed as I've been released.

In trying to figure out where this leaves me in the lifestyle I can't find a specific label that fits me now. I seem to have the potential to be several to different labels at different times. Lots of the people that have been around 10 years or more try and say you can't be a bottom, sub, and slave all at once. It's not possible.
I say in my heart I have the full and complete heart of a slave. Not just in BDSM ways, but when I can give of myself to make someone else happy it makes me feel lucky to have that to share. I am most happy when I can do something for someone else. I live in a vanilla relationship now, but due to who I am I'm still sumbissive to my vanilla ( yuck I hate that label) man because it's who I am in relationships. I can't help it. I also still plan on bottoming to trusted Dom friends.

Please let me know if you think you have to pick one label, one option, to feel like I fit in in your opinion or if, like me, you think I can be all three.
Suzanne



MasterFireMaam -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 3:56:53 PM)

you can be anything you choose; you can do anything you choose. I know many masochistic Masters...and many slaves who have authoritative personalities (my own slaves, for example). Be yourself.

Fire




KnightofMists -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 4:33:10 PM)

One question in return.... For what reason are you wanting to have a label for yourself?
Are you looking to have a singular label for you... then one label will mean you can only be one kind of relationship... is that realistic... are you not in multiple relationships already. Are you not a daughter, a friend, a lover, a confident, a slut, a bottom, a slave and the list goes on.
often our labels are not just a reflection of who we are... but are a reflection of the relationships we have as well. I am a son, a dad, a Master, a lover, a friend, a boss, an employee and the list goes on..
but also there are characteristics of ourselves that enhance our specific relationships and the roles we have in those relationships. characteristics like Integrity, Creativity, Wisdom, Humor, Humility, Prudence, Persistence and the list goes on.
To often we self-identify our selves by the relationships we keep... when these relationships change dramatically or fail, we are very likely going to enter into a identify crisis. However, our character is dependent on no one, but ourselves. When you consider labels... doesn't Honest, Creative, Determined reflect labels that are much more individual and yet very powerful within any relationship structure that you may have.
So again... for what reason are you wanting to have a label for yourself.
If it's about self-identification... then choose labels that are dependent on you and not someone else that you happen to have a relationship with. If it's to identify your relationships... well no one label is every going to be reflect all your relationships.



dave1212 -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 4:37:37 PM)

Sorry to hear you were released ....

Having read some of your past post's on here and obviously this one too, i have to say you seem to be an extremely articulate and intelligent woman and should not have a problem with being all "three" as you put it [;)]

Good luck ... 



IronBear -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 5:00:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

One question in return.... For what reason are you wanting to have a label for yourself?
Are you looking to have a singular label for you... then one label will mean you can only be one kind of relationship... is that realistic... are you not in multiple relationships already. Are you not a daughter, a friend, a lover, a confident, a slut, a bottom, a slave and the list goes on.
often our labels are not just a reflection of who we are... but are a reflection of the relationships we have as well. I am a son, a dad, a Master, a lover, a friend, a boss, an employee and the list goes on..
but also there are characteristics of ourselves that enhance our specific relationships and the roles we have in those relationships. characteristics like Integrity, Creativity, Wisdom, Humor, Humility, Prudence, Persistence and the list goes on.
To often we self-identify our selves by the relationships we keep... when these relationships change dramatically or fail, we are very likely going to enter into a identify crisis. However, our character is dependent on no one, but ourselves. When you consider labels... doesn't Honest, Creative, Determined reflect labels that are much more individual and yet very powerful within any relationship structure that you may have.
So again... for what reason are you wanting to have a label for yourself.
If it's about self-identification... then choose labels that are dependent on you and not someone else that you happen to have a relationship with. If it's to identify your relationships... well no one label is every going to be reflect all your relationships.


Wouldn’t you agree KoM, that for example, if a girl labels herself as a slave, she is already restricting the type of relationship she is seeking? If she further adds to the label so it shows as either “kajira” or “Gorean Slave”, she has defined specifically the type of lifestyle and relationship she seeks? Do you feel this is wrong? If so why? People in any lifestyle evolve, as they evolve their needs and requirements change. Is it not more honest to reliable yourself in accordance to your stage of development?  I can tell you from personal expe5rience that once a Male Dominant identifies as Gorean you are “Branded” with that label and are severely restricted to relationships you are able to have and severely restricted to those who will be ready to share your lifestyle with you. Yet for the few, it is a price worth paying… Do you believe we are wrong in doing so?...... I’m just curious as to your line of thought. No criticism, I find your comments usually enjoyable and enlightening….



knotnilla -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 5:09:05 PM)

I don't know where to begin, oh wait, yes I do...

"I've even converted 6 vanilla people I knew when I discussed this new side of me with them. "

You sound like a Jesus freak. You've been "in the lifestyle" a year and your mission is to convert people?  Have you "converted" any gays to being straight? Perhaps that should be your next goal...

Stop worrying about announcing your "lifestyle" to people in order to convert them to THE ONE TRUE WAY...  stop moving in with someone within a year of finding "the lifestyle". 

Your entire post was about contracts and conversions and breech of contract.

Why not just try to have a relationship?




upherass -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 5:18:52 PM)

Is there no chance of him redeeming himself and regaining your trust over time?   I'm not asking you to reveal anything private here.It just seems if you could serve him as you'd like, then maybe this wouldn't be an issue.

We all have many facets to who we are.  Labelling them isn't easy.



starymists -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 5:28:20 PM)

I for one, don't really label myself as such and such unless I'm looking for someone. And even then, who and what I will largely depend on the time, care and attention that goes into making a relationship. Can I be a slave? Sure. Can I be a slave for everyone? Umm...no. I can go where ever my Dominant wishes to take me. There are few others on the face of this earth that have had that privilge...then again, he's earned it.
 
I suspect that you will find that being involved with multiple Doms, you will find that with some, you will be a bottom, with others, you will be a submissive to one degree or another and for still others, you might be able to be a slave. And depending on how much time, care and effort goes into these other Doms, you might find that when you are spending more time together, you can go farther and when you are spending less time together, you don't go as far. That is really up to you.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 5:51:41 PM)

Nobody ever really fits into a box and we all really do have to find what works best.  For me, a person is a slave whether they have an owner at a particular time or not.  For others, that's not so.

You'll find your happy spot again.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 5:53:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
Wouldn’t you agree KoM, that for example, if a girl labels herself as a slave, she is already restricting the type of relationship she is seeking?

I know I wouldn't because slave doesn't mean "only enjoys this relationship" any more than "master" does.  Slaves can have poly partners that aren't their master and be in a myriad of different dynamics at the same time.



IronBear -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 6:20:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: knotnilla

I don't know where to begin, oh wait, yes I do...

"I've even converted 6 vanilla people I knew when I discussed this new side of me with them. "

You sound like a Jesus freak. You've been "in the lifestyle" a year and your mission is to convert people?  Have you "converted" any gays to being straight? Perhaps that should be your next goal...

Stop worrying about announcing your "lifestyle" to people in order to convert them to THE ONE TRUE WAY...  stop moving in with someone within a year of finding "the lifestyle". 

Your entire post was about contracts and conversions and breech of contract.

Why not just try to have a relationship?





Waht is your point and how does it relate to me?  My post was a direct question to KoM regarding his post???? When amd if you evere learn anything about me you may be qualified to make such an assinine post.



IronBear -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 6:24:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
Wouldn’t you agree KoM, that for example, if a girl labels herself as a slave, she is already restricting the type of relationship she is seeking?

I know I wouldn't because slave doesn't mean "only enjoys this relationship" any more than "master" does.  Slaves can have poly partners that aren't their master and be in a myriad of different dynamics at the same time.



On this particular point LA I wont argue for the simple reasin that I have not the experience with M/s lifestyles .. Just not my cup of tea...  However I think the question as a whole is a fair question not a criticism.....



Lashra -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 6:28:14 PM)

You can be anything you want to be all you have to do is set your mind to it. Follow your heart/mind wherever it might lead you but also use common sense and trust your instincts. People are not cut from cookie cutter molds and we are each beautifully unique in our own way. Its a shame when trust is lost because it rarely can be replaced.

~Lashra



MizSuz -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 6:50:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

you can be anything you choose; you can do anything you choose. I know many masochistic Masters...and many slaves who have authoritative personalities (my own slaves, for example). Be yourself.


There's a fairly wide streak of masochism in me, too.

When someone asks me what "box" I fit in I tell them I'm a non-gender specific sado-masochistic dominant bio woman.  Not exactly a square box.



proudsub -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 7:37:34 PM)

quote:

Well, unfortunately some things happened where he broke our contract (private not to be discussed here). Due to the fact we discussed how my trust and respect had been really affected by his actions he released me three weeks ago........I love him, my life is wrapped around his much like your skin is wrapped around you.


Any chance you can forgive him and beg for your collar back, give him a second chance?  Hubby forgave me and gave me a second chance when i broke His trust and things are better than ever now.



KatyLied -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 7:42:44 PM)

Plantlady - now is not the time to limit yourself and worry about labels.  If you did the best you could in your relationship then you have not failed.  Ask yourself if you met your duties as slave to the best of your abilities.  Any relationship is difficult and you should not shoulder the entire fault for your release.  Take care of yourself.



dorsaisgirl1 -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 8:01:52 PM)

i don't feel labals are importent. unless you feel the need to labal yourself.don't worrie about trying to make all of your many parts fit into a neat little deffinition. alot of peoples lives don't fit into one singel classifacation.



dorsaisgirl1 -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 8:15:09 PM)

knotnilla there's no need to atack



miladykyra -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 8:23:57 PM)

I am sure that it would be nice and simple... to fit in a box and then put on the shelf in a closet; I would have NO CLUE how to fit in any BOX or LABEL...  labels are like titles; only used when the need arises to be recognized.  And lets really get to the point... isn't a NAME a type of LABEL??
We are all unique and have our own desires; no matter what role we seek at that particular experience...  we choose to live it...  I would just hope that one would live the present moment to the fullest that it can be without expectations or regrets; or even the confines of a LABEL.
milady K



SpaceForMore -> RE: Do you have to fit in a box? (3/31/2006 8:49:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

Any chance you can forgive him and beg for your collar back, give him a second chance? 


Suzanne, I agree with the above piece of advice.

As far as fitting in a box,  the way you phrased your question -- Do you have to fit in a box -- suggests to me that you don't think one has to, and I agree with you.

If you want a live ear, write to me and we will meet for coffee since I live not far from you.

I will buy. cheers.



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