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New sub with SO many questions... - 3/31/2006 9:01:27 PM   
SxySubSarah


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/31/2006
Status: offline 		I've only recently begun exploring my submissiveness.  In my past experiances it was viewed that to be as submissive as I am was either boring or lazy, and that wanting to be dominated was a sign of weakness in a woman.  It was only in the last few days (yes, I'm that fresh) that I have been able to express my want, my NEED, to be dominated.  And in doing so I have never felt so comfortable or such pleasure in my life!  I already feel myself wanting nothing more than to please my Master and learn how to make him happy.  

I also, however, have a lot of concerns and questions.  Mostly I am wrestling with my own insecurities.  Will I be able to live up to my Masters expectations?  When does submissiveness become neediness?  Will I be able to fully let go of my own selfishness?  These questions I am sure will be answered in time, but I am so curious as to how other subs have felt when they FIRST "came out".  I would like to know if my feelings have been felt by others. If so, how did you work through them?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you!  

   

    
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: New sub with SO many questions... - 3/31/2006 10:14:47 PM   
starymists


Posts: 139
Joined: 2/1/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SxySubSarah
Will I be able to live up to my Masters expectations?  When does submissiveness become neediness?  Will I be able to fully let go of my own selfishness?  These questions I am sure will be answered in time, but I am so curious as to how other subs have felt when they FIRST "came out".  I would like to know if my feelings have been felt by others. If so, how did you work through them?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you!  


Welcome Sarah!! I had a similar experience to you, in that submission was viewed as less than desireable in my family of origin. And that family did an awful lot to try and put the kabosh on my attempts to serve. As a result, I had a lot of insecurity when I first came into the lifestyle. I was constantly struggling between my brain and my heart. And I didn't feel like I knew enough to really serve another well. And eventually, I shared those thoughts and feelings with my Mentor...who was very wise, and who helped me to see that when you agree to serve someone, you are commiting your time, energy and resources into providing service. The Dominant has some responsibility in training you to serve him/her in ways that will please him/her. That Dominant also has tools and techniques including punishment, education, discussion, lectures, etc to reinforce their training...which basically means that living up to a Dominant's expectations is as much the responsibility of the Dominant as it is for the submissive. Point being, you aren't in it alone.
 
In my experience, I cross a line between submissiveness into neediness when it becomes about me. When my wants and needs become more important to me than my Dominants wants and needs. When I use my behavior, words and/or actions to manipulate a specific response from my Dominant. My Dominant and I talked extensively about my needs and how well those needs were being met within our relationship prior to going to contract. If there is something extra I need, I have the power of request...I have no need to manipulate his actions. I can talk about things that bother me...rather than trying to make him guess through the way I'm talking or behaving.
 
Letting go of your own selfishness would largely depend on how you define selfishness. For me, I serve because I'm selfish...in that I get something from serving. But there are certain times when I don't really ~feel~ like serving...long day at work...poor sleep the night before...crap in my family...whatever...letting go of what I want to do at a given time...that happens as the relationship develops. In my opinion, love is more than just a feeling...its more than words...its the actions that go into our day to day lives. So as my love grows, I find it easier and easier to let go of the things that I want to do and focus on what he wants.

(in reply to SxySubSarah)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: New sub with SO many questions... - 3/31/2006 10:26:46 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline 		Dear "Triple S"...
welcome to the wonderful and crazy world of submissiveness. 
As you have said, you are brand "spanking" new (pardon the pun, but I couldn't resist), and you are going to be a swirl of questions and emotions, as with any new chapter in your life.

I think the best groundwork should be laid out with your Master.  If you already have One in your life, and He is experienced, He will understand the vast array of questions, concerns, and excitement that you are feeling now and in the future.  If you are just starting out and do not have a Master, the very best piece of advice I have is GO SLOW, BE PATIENT, EDUCATE YOURSELF, READ, READ, and then READ some more about the lifestyle and the dynamics within it.  Please do not jump into anything new without being equipped with knowledge and a support system in place to help you along the way.  If you can, get a mentor who you can run things by and see if they seem ok or if there are any red flags that you should be wary of.

There is a huge difference in being "lazy or boring" and being submissive.  One of the things that I can't stand is a submissive person being called "weak" based solely on the mere fact that s/he identifies her/himself as submissive.  It took me a while in the vanilla world to understand that I didn't have to try to be in control of everything (including relationships) or else I was a wimpy chick.  I was in a relationship for over 13 years that nearly drove me crazy because I had to steer the ship every day.  Once I realized why that left me so terribly unfulfilled, and how the part of me that sought to please and assume a more "traditional" role in a relationship with a man was never tapped into, I began to realize that nothing else could take its place. 

About that time, I met my Master (we work in the same field in the same town) and during our first conversation, I "came out" that I felt no shame in wanting to have a more traditional relationship, where the man was the dominant (yet loving and protective) figure, and where I could be the submissive (and supportive) one, who also had a great deal of brains and love to add to the mix.  I had no idea that Master was into BDSM and that I had used two of the "buzzwords" (dominant and submissive) in our chatting, LOL.  I was just a vanilla girl who was tired of trying to fit my "square peg" ideas (as I thought them to be) into a round hole.  Luckily, I chanced upon someone who shared my "square peg" ideas as well as my secret kink tendencies that were never really tapped into before I met Him.

That is the long way around the mulberry bush for me to explain that feeling empty or inadequate because you don't fit into some mold of what someone else thinks you should fit (and carelessly labels you "lazy" or "boring" or "weak"), will just make you crazy.  Embrace what you have found to complete who you are.  But I cannot emphasize it enough, go slowly into these (for you, right now) unchartered waters.  There are a lot of really good and amazing people out there who will help you along the way, but unfortunately, there are also the bad eggs who will try to take advantage of your "innocence."

Good luck, ask questions, read, ask more questions, and be safe and happy...
Daddysredhead



_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut


(in reply to SxySubSarah)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: New sub with SO many questions... - 3/31/2006 11:37:12 PM   
sskitten


Posts: 43
Joined: 9/15/2005
Status: offline 		Welcome!  I think the advice you've been given so far is wonderful.  You are in something of an unusual situation to be so new in your submission and already in the care of a Master.  Most of your insecurities are likely to resolve themselves easily if he guides you wisely and if you put your trust in him. 
 
I am new to this journey too (beginning last fall), and I am more than twice your age.  I had a different set of questions when I began, but yours are legitimate and important questions.  My biggest question was:  "Will I ever be able to submit in real life, or only in my fantasies?"  I met several Doms in real life without feeling the least bit submissive and did not know if anyone would ever be able to tap into the submissiveness I had always felt in my fantasy life before I finally met the Dom who could.
 
It has happened to you all at once, and your questions convey an impression that submission happens all at once.  But for many people, submission happens very very gradually... over a number of months or years.  And wherever you are on your journey - no matter how deep your submission - it seems it will always be possible to go deeper.  There is no urgency.  I enjoy savoring the drop by drop progression. 
 
Your Master knows you are completely new to this and he has sent you here for support, so I'm assuming he is willing to provide a lot of support and training of his own.  He knows he is responsible for you now.  I hope he will introduce you to his expectations gradually, making sure you are comfortable in meeting his most basic expectations and then bit by bit adding more.  The journey is not always a smooth path, but if you stumble or falter, his role is to guide you.  If he knows you sincerely want to please him and to grow in your submission, then stumbles can become positive learning experiences.
 
Different Doms have different expectations.  Some (most?) Doms and Masters believe that theirs are the only needs that matter.  I feel very fortunate that my Dom actually puts my needs before his own.  If my needs are being met and I am feeling fulfilled, then I am in a much better position to offer myself more fully to him.  He has told me I don't ever need to worry about how to meet his needs; he will take from me what he needs.  During our first private session he startled me by saying, "I'm going to take you apart and rebuild you the way I want you."  I found the notion both fascinating and frightening and wondered if I could let myself be taken apart and rebuilt.  Within days he let me know that the way he was going to rebuild me would be by guiding me as I rebuild myself into a more productive person.  He wasn't going to make me into a different person... but to help me be a better person, realizing my own goals.  He asks me to keep in mind every day:  what would make him proud of me?  When I think about making him proud of me, I don't need much guidance; I know what to do.  I try to anticipate what he might expect of me.  I try to go beyond what he might expect of me... both in our D/s dynamics and in my vanilla world.
 
When I am focusing on "What would make him proud of me?" then I do not need to concern myself with possible neediness or selfishness; those concerns become irrelevant.  But I do want to say, in case you have a Master who thinks there is no place in your world for your own needs......  yes there is!!  Your needs are very important.  But if you and your Master are a good match, then your needs *will* be met in serving him.  If you find yourself feeling needy or selfish as time goes on - if your needs are not being met and you are possibly made to feel guilty for having needs of your own - then at that time you may consider the possibility that it is not necessarily a shortcoming in you but in the relationship. 
 
I've been a pretty selfish person my whole life.  I was drawn to submission not because I have ever felt a strong need to serve but because I have felt a lifelong longing to submit to another's will in a profound, all-encompassing way.  I never allowed myself to think about real-life submission until very recently; it was only in my fantasies that I submitted.  I knew I could not submit readily for I am a very strongwilled person.  I felt that I would need to be tamed.  And I am being tamed.  That does not erase my own "selfish" thoughts and desires.  But what I realize is that when I put my focus on pleasing my Dom, even if I might sometimes strain at the (symbolic) leash, I welcome it.  I need it.  I am glad when the leash becomes ever shorter.  It becomes easy to set aside transitory petty needs in the interest of fulfilling my greatest need (which still surprises me as I confess it): the need to be owned and controlled. 
 
My Dom told me before we started, "Submission seeps in drop by drop, slowly taking your own will and turning it into mine, replacing your thoughts with my desires."  In the same chat he told me, "With the mindset of submission comes a different type of pleasure altogether.  It's a mental satisfaction that comes from giving your submission and knowing that pleasure is being taken from you," ... and also... "Put your body and mind into my hands and I will take care of directing you."  All of this has been happening just as he told me it would.  I have never put myself into another's hands until now.  It takes immense trust.  It is neither a selfless act nor a selfish one.  Submission does not "become neediness," as you wonder.  Quite the opposite.  By entrusting yourself to your Master, your own greatest need is being fulfilled.    
 
Relax, enjoy, welcome to the journey, and please keep on asking and sharing! 

(in reply to SxySubSarah)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: New sub with SO many questions... - 4/1/2006 1:46:47 PM   
SxySubSarah


Posts: 7
Joined: 3/31/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sskitten

You are in something of an unusual situation to be so new in your submission and already in the care of a Master. 
  
 
 
Well, technically I am not "in the care" of a Master.  But I do feel that it is something that I am interested in.  If nothing else, I know that to have a Master takes trust that does not happen overnight.  On the other hand I find that having finally been tapped into, my eagerness to please has become somewhat overwhelming.  I have to remind myself that I am still new at this, and to try and take my time, and to not let the impatience of youth get the best of me.  
 
          

(in reply to sskitten)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: New sub with SO many questions... - 4/10/2006 8:13:24 AM   
mixielicous


Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline 		here is a writing of mine from when i first accepted my submissiveness [which wasnt long ago either]

i remember when i was 12 years old. i was sitting next to my grandmother [who was a HS psychologist from Harvard - very enlightened woman]. We were discussing relationships [i will be unable to remember gritty details, PTSD has eaten much of my childhood memories]

She was horrorfied with me. i saw nothing wrong with Man in control, Him having all the power. i was ashamed, and assumed at her horror that i was wrong. My mother taught me at a very young age what it meant to be codependant, and filled my head with a liberated anti-stereotypical mindset.

It happened evertime. i hated myself for wanting nothing but to submit to The One i was with. i covered it up with words that had been shoved down my throat, codependant, needy, emotional, weak, WRONG. i believed myself to be all of these things because i didnt mind the "classical" roles. My mother was a raging hippie, maybe this is all psychological, very well could be. She had 6 children, with 4 fathers. She only married one of them. i looked at her and wondered, how all this self inflicted suffering because you didnt trust the way you felt about a Man, could possibly be good. How it could be better than doing what makes you happy?

i have been reading obsessivly per usual, today its Taken In Hand, [some great readings endless articles][www.takeninhand.com] anyways, i read countless article after article, with women spewing out the same thing. That they felt this natural urge was wrong due to the insane amount of equal rights [which is all fine and dandy, dont get me wrong, i go to an agriculture school dominated by men i know all about repression of liberation and equality and shit] But we are taught now that, willingly wanting to, needing to, give yourself completely in whole is wrong. Why, who decided so? i cant tell you, THAT is more liberating to me than anything else.

There is no more guilt, or shame about how i feel. Who i want to be. [i know D will read this and i am getting kind of uneasy imagining what He will think while He reads this] But WHATEV. i am thankful for D and if He ever left me [Heaven FORBID] i know i could never go back to the way i was, repressing myself and who i naturally am. i feel more enlightened than ever. Happier than ever. All it took was embracing who i really wanted to be. Listen to myself, like i should have.

(in reply to SxySubSarah)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: New sub with SO many questions... - 4/10/2006 11:45:55 AM   
cillydom


Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Submission is a need, a need that burns deep within you, accept that and your question on this point answers it self.

Don’t worry about it and just get your need/submission gratified after all that’s what doms are for, so use him for that.

I bet you never thought that doms could be used by subbies.


(in reply to SxySubSarah)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: New sub with SO many questions... - 4/10/2006 11:47:56 AM   
waterdance


Posts: 43
Joined: 9/10/2005
Status: offline 		Welcome to this wonderful journey.. i am also new to this lifestyle (2 years in a D/s 24/7 relationship) i can't add much more than has been said here.  Some very good advice has been given.  you do have your mind set right about not getting into a rush.  My best advice to you is educate yourself.  Knowledge is the most powerful tool you will posses.  Enjoy your growth and ask questions..lots of questions.. be well

Respectfully,
waterdance

_____________________________

It's hard to keep a good woman down, then again maybe that would be fun.

(in reply to mixielicous)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: New sub with SO many questions... - 4/10/2006 6:36:10 PM   
PenelopePitstop


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
Status: offline 		Hiya!

Well, I think you are getting some great advice here so all I really want to say is watch out for The Flood. I'm referring to the the flood of emotions I have been encountering as a new sub (well newly 'out' sub) that makes me want to fling myself into the arms of anyone who turns me on, rightly or wrongly. In fact if anyone has any advice on this I'm listening because it's actually a little hard to deal with. This, folks, is why it's not a good idea to repress oneself. I now have gone from being the most sexually unprovocative creature on god's earth to feeling compelled to arouse people all over the place...help!

But seriously, I think you'll be fine, because you are already taking the time to think and analyse what you need. Good luck to you :)


_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to waterdance)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: New sub with SO many questions... - 4/10/2006 8:21:50 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddysredhead

Dear "Triple S"...
welcome to the wonderful and crazy world of submissiveness. 
As you have said, you are brand "spanking" new (pardon the pun, but I couldn't resist), and you are going to be a swirl of questions and emotions, as with any new chapter in your life.

I think the best groundwork should be laid out with your Master.  If you already have One in your life, and He is experienced, He will understand the vast array of questions, concerns, and excitement that you are feeling now and in the future.  If you are just starting out and do not have a Master, the very best piece of advice I have is GO SLOW, BE PATIENT, EDUCATE YOURSELF, READ, READ, and then READ some more about the lifestyle and the dynamics within it.  Please do not jump into anything new without being equipped with knowledge and a support system in place to help you along the way.  If you can, get a mentor who you can run things by and see if they seem ok or if there are any red flags that you should be wary of.

There is a huge difference in being "lazy or boring" and being submissive.  One of the things that I can't stand is a submissive person being called "weak" based solely on the mere fact that s/he identifies her/himself as submissive.  It took me a while in the vanilla world to understand that I didn't have to try to be in control of everything (including relationships) or else I was a wimpy chick.  I was in a relationship for over 13 years that nearly drove me crazy because I had to steer the ship every day.  Once I realized why that left me so terribly unfulfilled, and how the part of me that sought to please and assume a more "traditional" role in a relationship with a man was never tapped into, I began to realize that nothing else could take its place. 

About that time, I met my Master (we work in the same field in the same town) and during our first conversation, I "came out" that I felt no shame in wanting to have a more traditional relationship, where the man was the dominant (yet loving and protective) figure, and where I could be the submissive (and supportive) one, who also had a great deal of brains and love to add to the mix.  I had no idea that Master was into BDSM and that I had used two of the "buzzwords" (dominant and submissive) in our chatting, LOL.  I was just a vanilla girl who was tired of trying to fit my "square peg" ideas (as I thought them to be) into a round hole.  Luckily, I chanced upon someone who shared my "square peg" ideas as well as my secret kink tendencies that were never really tapped into before I met Him.

That is the long way around the mulberry bush for me to explain that feeling empty or inadequate because you don't fit into some mold of what someone else thinks you should fit (and carelessly labels you "lazy" or "boring" or "weak"), will just make you crazy.  Embrace what you have found to complete who you are.  But I cannot emphasize it enough, go slowly into these (for you, right now) unchartered waters.  There are a lot of really good and amazing people out there who will help you along the way, but unfortunately, there are also the bad eggs who will try to take advantage of your "innocence."

Good luck, ask questions, read, ask more questions, and be safe and happy...
Daddysredhead


...I soo agree with Daddysredhead...and another thing as Lucky Albatross always says..wait at least six months until you try to enter into a D/s relationship..this enables you to know more about you..your wants ,needs, desires..etc..and to get over the initial "sub frenzy"..to research this "life" in order for you to make sound choices and judgements.To even get out and to meet R/T people of the community....be well..Tempting

(in reply to Daddysredhead)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: New sub with SO many questions... - 4/11/2006 6:26:52 PM   
sweetbbwsub31


Posts: 331
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline 		Welcome. you have found your way to a great group of people (mostly- watch out for the trolls). i find these message boards to be very educational. i am also a sub and fairly new to the lifestyle (3 years). All the above advice is wonderful. My caution to you is to take your time and follow your instincts. Be aware that there are some out there who claim to be "Doms" that are just using it as an excuse to be abusive. Kick back, learn as much as you can, and proceed with caution.
 
Complete submission is like being on a cloud looking down on the world. Welcome and congratulations for finding others with your same needs.
 
 

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 11
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