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bia -> RE: When should a submissive be submissive? (5/4/2006 11:36:37 AM)
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Hi shivvy,
There has indeed been a lot of good advice given here. I'll probably be repeating it in my own way, but maybe I can give you a few other things to consider as well.
The internet has been great for bringing BDSM to the world, to those who might be in rural areas and not have access to local BDSM communities, or who may not be able to locate real time resources. On the other hand, the internet has been absolutely horrible for bringing some real abusive people into BDSM.
Absolutely anyone can sign up for an account on here and say they are a sub, a slave, a Mistress, a Master. You don't have to pass a test to call yourself a Master, like you do to drive a car. There also aren't any police here looking for erratic drivers, checking to see if they are indeed licensed to operate a motor vehicle, or more to the point, looking for and finding fakes, players, abusers and either fining them or tossing them in jail.
If there were, can you imagine how many Masters and probably subs too would be behind the BDSM prison wall???
In my journal, I write about the audacious emails, the jaw-dropping, I can't believe someone wrote this type of email. Part of why I write about them is because it serves as a reminder to me when I am feeling pressure to be submissive to someone who isn't really dominant, or who doesn't have my interests at heart, that I can say, "No, thanks". I also write about it so that maybe the real Dominants out there can see what tacking submissive or slave next to your name attracts, so that maybe They understand why a girl would want to proceed cautiously, and why a girl may not take every man at his word when he says he is a Dom. And the last motive for writing about those emails, is so that other women, women who may not have a support network, women who may be new or women who just need a reminder will see that they don't have to tolerate abusive emails just because they are submissive.
I am sure, that there are a number of people in here who claim to be either Dominant or submissive simply because of their sexual desires for bondage. "I like to tie women up, therefore I am a Dom", or "I like to be tied up or blindfolded, therefore I am a slave." Things that do not a Dom or sub make...
So the long and short of all of that is that just because someone lists themselves as a Dom or a sub, doesn't mean they know the first thing about mastering their own self, let alone someone else. Nor does it mean they know the first thing about serving their Owner... (I have to cast both perspectives, I don't want anyone to think I am anti-Doms! That would be just soooo wrong!! :) )
So if you bear in mind that MasterWRAPEMUPTIGHT (this is a fictional name any semblance to an actual screen name in here is completely unintentional) might say he is a master, he may be in actuality, an underage punk, a woman pretending to be a man, a man who has no clue what BDSM is about but wants to get off, a psycho... (some people in locked mental hospitals DO have access to the internet!) or a million other things, none of which may be Dominant... If you bear all of that in mind, then you may find it easy NOT to be submissive to every unproven screen name.
And you know what else, it doesn't make you a bad sub to be choosey, to make your own decisions while you are unowned. It makes you a smart and safe sub.
Yesterday, I got an email from a man in here who says he is a dom. I had never spoken to him before. Never, not once. His exact email was, "When can we get together?" No "hi, how are you." No "My name is blah blah blah." No "I saw your profile and wanted to introduce myself" Just, "When can we get together?".
Now after the thread about what do submissives want in a master, and the comments about subs not responding to emails... I was feeling a bit guilty. So instead of assuming he was asking when we would physically meet, I decided to do the benefit of the doubt thingy and believe maybe he meant, meet online in yahoo or MSN. So I asked for clarification.
Oh no, he was quite clear. He wanted to know when I would meet him physically, in real life. Is anyone else as astonished as I still am? When I told him that he was making some gross assumptions especially given that I had never talked to him and that I didn't even know his real name, he quickly apologized, told me his first name and asked me to tell him about myself.
"Thanks, but no thanks." Maybe I am wrong, but my impression is that this man doesn't have the first clue about being a Dominant. So why should I be submissive to him? Why should I obey him? Why would I be stupid enough to give him control over me when he knows absolutely NOTHING about me? Just because I am not going to be submissive and easily manipulated by every Tom, Dick and Harry who claim to be masters, doesn't make me any less of a submissive. And that is what you have to remember. You aren't a bad subby, you aren't being a princess subby, just because you are doing what is necessary to look out for yourself.
Unfortunately, it seems, there are those who see the title submissive or slave and they automatically think that means the person is saying they are there to get said master off. Just because I would be my Master's slut, doesn't mean I'm going to drop my jeans and screw everyone. A real Dom won't email you demanding nude photos, demanding that you meet him and start obeying him the second he sends his first email. And you aren't being a fake sub just because you recognize that.
It gets very confusing when you do start exchanging emails, before you get serious or even to the "let's meet" stage. Maybe you are talking to a few different men, trying to see if there is a connection with any of them, and then wham, bam! They all start giving you assignments, or telling you to do this or that. It's hard, and if you just blindly start obeying, you are going to end up in one heck of a jam. Because the reality is that (as someone else said) you can really only obey one Master. Eventually, there will be a conflict, and you could end up losing the One who was real.
If a Dom, who is not your Dom, cannot accept it when you say you are uncomfortable doing something, or that you are not prepared to give him your obedience which comes along with your submission, then ummm... can you really trust him to do what is best for you?
You don't have to be submissive to strangers. And just because you aren't being submissive doesn't mean you are being rude. You don't have to subject yourself to abusive emails, or demands from strangers to still be a sub or a slave. That is a preposterous notion, remember that so that you can have a long, and healthy experience in this lifestyle.
And, if the pressure gets to much from any one, if they make you uncomfortable and won't respect your wishes, then you can report them and/or block them from further contacting you.
Stay safe, shivvy, I'm sure your future Master would want that!
-smiles warmly-
I wish you well,
bia
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