Did you start out as just "curious"? (Full Version)

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beachbum3 -> Did you start out as just "curious"? (3/19/2010 1:30:10 AM)

I'd love to hear from others who got started with this lifestyle as a couple, just sort of exploring. Especially if you're married and you both decided to give it a shot. I'm not really sure what to expect. Not sure if my wife is up to the task of being my mistress. (And not sure if I'm up to the task of being submissive to her beyond the scope of just sexual role play.) I don't know how far we might take this or where the boundaries of our individual comfort zones are. How did you start? And where did you go from there? How long should I give this? What advice would you give someone in my (our) position?



ranja -> RE: Did you start out as just "curious"? (3/19/2010 3:46:29 AM)

We have been together for 20 years
Since about 3 years i have finally properly submitted to Him and our marriage is a lot better for it; it is easier, more straightforward, i feel more at ease to ask for things and He knows He is in charge, which He likes.
He says there is no going back now.

Sexually we experiment, sometimes it goes wrong but it is all good, we have a lot of fun now.



DesFIP -> RE: Did you start out as just "curious"? (3/19/2010 8:33:32 AM)

Relax and play it by ear. Start with in the bedroom only doing things that both of you enjoy. If the first experience is bad, you may never have a second. Then add in all of Saturday night, so she can decide where to go for dinner, what you both are eating and when you have to go to bed. If that works, add in during the day and have her decide who is doing which errands/chores.

Add another night in during the week. Negotiate that it isn't during your favorite show, or record it to watch later. You'll be mournful otherwise.

Most of all, a couple of days later sit down over coffee and talk about it, what worked and what didn't. How it all made you feel.
You don't go from power equal to total slave over night any more than you go from blind date to marriage all in one night. You do it little by little and talk to each other all the time.



Shyla -> RE: Did you start out as just "curious"? (3/19/2010 9:14:28 AM)

beachbum,

I doubt you'll like my story much.  I didn't start out as 'just curious'.  I dived head first into submission and Gorean philosophy when I was 20, already engaged, and just a few months before I was married.  After a couple of years of dancing about on chatrooms, I talked with my husband and asked him to own me.

That lasted for three years.  Three years of confusion, of tears, of misunderstandings and resentment.  He felt that I had forced him into that situation, that the M/s relationship I wanted between us was too much work.  That *I* was too much work (imagine your wife telling you in a few years "honey, I just don't want the responsibility that comes with you any more).  The M/s relationship between us ended, and I erroneously thought that we could continue in a vanilla relationship happily.

It's been 12 1/2 years.  A few weeks ago I told him I'm filing for divorce.  Tonight we go see a therapist so that I can tell him that again.  And in four or five weeks I will be flying to Ireland to be with my Owner, my Daddy.  The one person who doesn't think I'm too much work.  The last 9 years between ending the M/s side of the relationship with my husband and this final breaking point have not really been all that happy for either one of us.

I am SURE that for every sad story like mine you will find people who have made it work or are making it work, so don't lose hope, but do be prepared.

shyla

T-minus four weeks and counting until I am home at his feet.



Lockit -> RE: Did you start out as just "curious"? (3/19/2010 9:46:42 AM)

beachbum, what do you mean how long should you give this? Are you trying to get your wife more involved in this because it is what you want or because it is what you both want? If it is what you both want, I would think that she would be as invested in this search for information and take an active interest as well.

How long will you be married and sexual? That's how long you give to this if she is interested. If not... it sounds like what you want and you are giving her some time frame to get with it and are maybe dragging her along because it is your desire for the most part, rather than her own. (Basing this on all your posts.)



beachbum3 -> RE: Did you start out as just "curious"? (3/20/2010 12:29:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If the first experience is bad, you may never have a second.


That's kind of what happened. Almost three years have gone by and we're just now thinking of trying again.

quote:

Most of all, a couple of days later sit down over coffee and talk about it, what worked and what didn't. How it all made you feel.
You don't go from power equal to total slave over night any more than you go from blind date to marriage all in one night. You do it little by little and talk to each other all the time.


Wow. That sounds like fantastic advice. Thank you!



beachbum3 -> RE: Did you start out as just "curious"? (3/20/2010 12:30:52 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Shyla

I doubt you'll like my story much.


I like that it's going to have a happy ending for you. :)



beachbum3 -> RE: Did you start out as just "curious"? (3/20/2010 12:42:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

beachbum, what do you mean how long should you give this?

I guess what I was asking is, "How much time does it usually take for both people to grow comfortable with their roles and settle into this lifestyle?" But now that I ask the question more clearly, I think I can see that there's probably no definitive answer. It's going to vary from person to person, I'm sure.

quote:

Are you trying to get your wife more involved in this because it is what you want or because it is what you both want? If it is what you both want, I would think that she would be as invested in this search for information and take an active interest as well.


That's a tough question. She wants it because I want it, but if I didn't, I'm not sure she would.

quote:

it sounds like what you want and you are giving her some time frame to get with it and are maybe dragging her along because it is your desire for the most part, rather than her own. (Basing this on all your posts.)
I did initiate this by communicating my desires to her. We have an "absolute honesty" policy between us, so if she was uncomfortable with it, she would be obliged to say, "Sorry, but I don't think I can do that." But she didn't, so I'm assuming that her willingness to explore it is genuine (and that I'm not "dragging her along"). As for the time frame, it's not like I'm setting a deadline or anything. But it does occur to me that with many things, if you give them time, you can grow to like them, even if you didn't at first. So I thought maybe I'd get some useful feedback along those lines. "It was a little weird at first, but after a couple of weeks, we really started to get into it and then it just got better from there." etc.



LPslittleclip -> RE: Did you start out as just "curious"? (3/21/2010 12:44:33 AM)

i started out as curiuos when i started out and now i have been a collared slave for over 2 years now. it is important to be able to comunicate with each O/other i needed to learn to do it in a respectfull way of course. as far as what is acceptable to E/each of Y/you is to discuss it. there are many fetish checklists to use in discussions and to find out what is acceptable to B/both of you. good luck on the journey



LifeOnMars -> RE: Did you start out as just "curious"? (3/25/2010 3:01:21 AM)

I've had relationships move from romantic/vanilla into very kinky territory and remain viable romantically.  It takes as long as it takes, and it only works if it is what both parties really want.  That is so blindingly obvious that it probably doesn't even need to be said, I hope.

But you obviously have some pretty specific notions of what it means to have a "Mistress."  That's where I think it's going to get tricky.  Your wife has to be who she is, not some role you made up in your head. The move from vanilla to kinky is relatively easy, but the move from what (I'm guessing) originated as a more traditional romantic relationship into Mistress/submissive territory is appreciably more complicated.

Speaking from an experience I had that was sort of the mirror image of this, I used to have a lover who wanted me to be her Master.  Again, the transition into kinky play was pretty easy and fun.  But she had this idea of what a Master should be--and it wasn't an unreasonable idea at all, mind you.  But when I did the emotional math, I decided I had no interest in trying to be her Idea of a Master and I had to break it off.

So my advice would be to take careful stock at every step and tread carefully.



trueshadow -> RE: Did you start out as just "curious"? (4/1/2010 4:54:14 PM)

No, I was a committed slave as long as I can remember.  It's hard being a slave as a young person, especially BTI (before the internet). 

My advice?  Take it slow and don't alienate anyone.  Don't frighten the horses!



leadership527 -> RE: Did you start out as just "curious"? (4/1/2010 10:05:23 PM)

We'd been married for about 12 years when we ran into D/s on the internet. We thought it might fit and gave it a go. We always knew that we wanted to go M/s, but we started out with very limited D/s and cautiously explored a bit at a time. A million things have "gone wrong" if you will in the subsequent 3 years. There's been various challenges on both sides. There were times when one or the other of us lost the faith. There's been some tears and some genuinely joyous moments. You know, kind of like life in general.

My advice is start small and explore carefully and together. So long as you two stick together and behave like a team, not much can really go wrong.,



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