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I am scared - 3/22/2010 12:38:48 PM

petitbateau

Posts: 40
Joined: 8/9/2009
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Sometimes I am scared. I am scared of how deeply I feel I need a guide, even having so many interests and dreams I always feel I lack something and that something is a purpose that give me the strength to fulfil this dreams for I seem unable to choose and I'm scared of the fact that this kind of thoughts make me feel a loser somehow.
I am scared of how deeply sometimes I like to be punished, finding in pain a sort of ecstasy... but I was always too scared to go deeper and I still think I might like that something much strongerthan I would be glad to admit .
I am scared to be alone, for I crave a presence so deeply but tha presence never comes and even if I tried I always end up never finding the keen mind needed to overcome all my defenses.
I am scared I won't find what I am looking for I feel time is passing by and I am just putting myself in a sort of cocoon to avoid any kind of feeling.

I am scared of myself sometimes. More than everything because I can't give up and I keep trying and it's against any logic.

So, what do you do when you're scared? How do you cope with the feeling you're not fit for this world?
I usually over-analyse in order to understand and to have everything under control. Then I pass a week eating banoffee pies :p

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Post #: 1

RE: I am scared - 3/22/2010 2:02:16 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
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i tend to do a runner - like you, like most people. something scary, hard to face, dont want to face. i hide away from reality alot - i avoid banoffee pie though - full of e's.

but in the end what are you runing away from - mostly youreself and youre fears.

accept who you are, what you need, realise that youre not alone and there are plenty more people just like you. make a plan about how to take the next step forward, then the next and the next.

realise that youre happyness depends upon you making this journey, facing youre fears, accepting the changes that will come.

you can keep runing and make youreself miserable (and obese) but what a waste of youre life and wont you regret never ever really giving this a chance.

it might be that you wont find it in the exact format that you have dreamt about it, you might not find it at all, but at least you tried, you will grow to accept youreself more and itll be fun too.

good luck

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(in reply to petitbateau)

Post #: 2

RE: I am scared - 3/22/2010 2:20:01 PM

NymphetamineGirl

Posts: 55
Joined: 11/29/2009
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There is nothing wrong with how you feel or who you are inside. The depth of connection you are capable of is bigger than "normal" people dare. I would encourage you to learn to meet your own needs before turning them over to another...then it is a choice, not a dependency, and all the more beautiful. Good luck on your journey, may it be full of love for yourself and from yourself.

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 3

RE: I am scared - 3/22/2010 7:25:25 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: petitbateau
So, what do you do when you're scared? How do you cope with the feeling you're not fit for this world?
I usually over-analyse in order to understand and to have everything under control. Then I pass a week eating banoffee pies :p

Nothing like paralysis through analysis.
I'm a Type A all the way. When I'm scared I need to take action. The key for me is determining what direction I need to go and sometimes that takes time.

Fear solves nothing. I am about getting out of the problem and into the solution.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

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Post #: 4

RE: I am scared - 3/22/2010 9:54:40 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
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i felt lost and scared before i was collared now that i am i feel safe and secure it may help you with but finding a Dominant/Mistress helps with the feelings of inadequacy and fear. building trust and respect for B/both of Y/you will be a great experience.

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Post #: 5

RE: I am scared - 3/23/2010 1:40:26 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
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physical excersize
rather than eating toffees you should work your body
maybe take up dancing, it is the most cheerful activity
and there is no one but yourself who can make you do it
kick yourself up the butt, good luck

(in reply to petitbateau)

Post #: 6

RE: I am scared - 3/23/2010 7:54:55 AM

Shyla

Posts: 19
Joined: 5/30/2005
Status: offline

I know your fear. I've been there. I'm still there, some days! You will, as others have said, have to find a way to accept yourself and who you are. But you also need to *do* things, other than eat (what kind of pie is that?), and hide. Don't get me wrong, I am excellent at hiding. And running. But my days of running are over, and I've had to come up with other ways.

I meditate at least 20 minutes a day. This isn't your normal meditation. I do one of two things. I either choose a mantra and chant for the full 20 minutes (this is what i use when I wake up on the edge of panic), or I kind of take myself on a guided visualization of places where I have been extremely happy in the past. No other people are allowed in my meditations, this is all natural scenery.

Write in a journal. For the moment at least, mine is secret. I write about happy things, or things that I want, but the journal is where I can right down the things I'm scared to tell anyone else, even myself. It's like.. I can pull all the really scary, really intense things out of myself and put them down on paper, and then the journal holds them so I don't have to keep them inside.

Exercise. High impact is better. Every day, twice a day. If you feel like running, really go for a run. It's what I'm doing later today >.>

These are stop gap measures, or they are/were for me. The anxiety and fear I have won't go away until I'm with my Daddy, and have been for some time. That's just how it is for me. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel and things to do to keep me occupied until I get there. It seems to me you could use a few things to keep you occupied too =D

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Post #: 7

RE: I am scared - 3/23/2010 8:55:42 PM

DomBlade64

Posts: 105
Joined: 3/14/2010
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Everyone gets scared sometimes, but a loser? I dont think so. The true losers will not admit this.

-Daddy Blade

(in reply to Shyla)

Post #: 8

RE: I am scared - 3/23/2010 9:09:54 PM

takemeforyourown

Posts: 430
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You had me at scared. (Geez I melt easily)

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Post #: 9

RE: I am scared - 3/24/2010 3:58:41 PM

petitbateau

Posts: 40
Joined: 8/9/2009
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thank you everyone for the nice words and suggestions.
I'll try to meditate a little bit, I was good when I had yoga courses... luckily I don't get fat even eating milliiiiions of sweets lol :)

it's just I am in the middle of the storm and I feel so lost. not having anyone to talk about it's difficult and I feel quite miserable sometimes.
but at the same time I know what's missing and that missing part of my life has proven soo difficult to find that I lost the hope.

I'll see. I'm drinking strawberry milk to help the clarity of thoughts. and I try to laugh. but deep, inside, there is something broken and I don't know how to fix it.

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There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
Carl Jung

(in reply to takemeforyourown)

Post #: 10

RE: I am scared - 3/24/2010 5:59:32 PM

ishyB

Posts: 555
Joined: 9/2/2008
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Sorry, but this keeps popping in my head every time I see this thread. I personally have always used music to ground myself again when I felt anxious or depressed about some things.
There are certain lyrics out there which seem to be written solely to apply to my personal situation, and from them, I derive a lot of strength in times or doubt and stress.

Krezip ~ I would stay

If this is true -I thought then- what will I think
Will I stay, when rather I would get away
I'm scared that I won't find a thing
And afraid that I'll turn out to be alone, but I

I have to learn, have to try, have to trust I have to cry
Have to see, have to know that I can be myself

And if I could, I would stay
And if they're not, not in my way
I'll stare here in the distance
But I'll grow up to be just like you, yeah
I'll grow up to be just like you, yeah

I see it all I'm sure but
Do I know what's right
I thought I knew but it turns out the other way
I am scared that I won't find a thing
And afraid that I'll turn out to be alone, but I

I have to learn, have to try, have to trust I have to cry
I have to see, have to know that I can be myself

And if I could I would stay
And if they're not, not in my way
I'll stare here in the distance
But I'll grow up to be just like you, yeah
I'll grow up to be just like you

< Message edited by ishyB -- 3/24/2010 6:05:23 PM >

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I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
and I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I wanted to move on
So I'm already gone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoJFn_RIdkg

(in reply to petitbateau)

Post #: 11

RE: I am scared - 3/28/2010 8:45:37 PM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitbateau

I am scared to be alone, for I crave a presence so deeply but tha presence never comes and even if I tried I always end up never finding the keen mind needed to overcome all my defenses.

when you figure that one out......let me know the answer? K?

(in reply to petitbateau)

Post #: 12

RE: I am scared - 3/28/2010 9:19:17 PM

DWCskitten

Posts: 199
Joined: 3/2/2010
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~Fast Reply~
If it helps at all to know you are not alone, even though i can be very independent, after my last Sir died i felt like i was floundering out in limbo, i needed direction....a Dom in my life....i was very inexpliciblyscared, even though i knew i "could take care of myself." Then Master Sir came along, and everything was fine again. You are not alone in feeling that way, and you are definitely NOT a loser.

~kitten~

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New beginnings...my first poly relationship.

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Post #: 13

RE: I am scared - 3/30/2010 12:14:17 AM

alhamdullilah

Posts: 81
Joined: 2/18/2010
Status: offline

Thank you so much for posting this, petitbateau. Thank you. I generally feel that I'm the only person in the world feeling the way that I do. I see others, like Kana, facing their fears head on and presume that the rest don't live with anything like the kind of fear I feel. And the result of that observation is that I feel if I'm not like them, overcoming or simply overlooking the terror and dread that can envelope a person to the point that they just cannot imagine going on in life, I must really suck as a person. More times than I can relate, I have concluded that I'm just no good at living, that perhaps some people just don't have what it takes to be good at life and I'm clearly one of them.

Being scared and alone... oh, it puts a weight upon the spirit so heavy that breathing seems an enormous challenge and the most that one can be expected to accomplish in a day. Being scared and alone, it's so hard not to feel ashamed. We're supposed to find some internal fortitude. Others do, right? What if I don't have any? Being scared and alone is more painful than I ever anticipated. The hopelessness that ensues is capable of paralyzing both mind and body. Ideally, though, we accept what appears unlikely to be ultimately true: that being scared and alone won't last forever.

You got a lot of wonderful, thoughtful answers from other posters. This community rocks when it comes to imparting wisdom and perspective, the compassion demonstrated by the fact that they take the time to do it. You aren't a loser and you aren't weak. It isn't easy to say, "I'm scared." Well, I've never found it easy. And chances are, you've had many trials in your life and struggled with internal roadblocks as well - and here you are, still at it. No matter how you may feel, knotted up in fear, anxiety, indecision, insecurity, uncertainty... you are still fighting because that is who you are. Therein lies your strength and you'll tap into it to make it through the struggle - if only because you simply have to.

Before long, even if on your own, you won't feel so scared anymore. You may not welcome further strife, but you'll have your wins to remind you how strong, determined and capable you truly are. Above all, it's courage we demonstrate, tremendous courage, as courage is that noble strength of character we exercise only when we do what we are afraid to do. Only in the face of fear is courage revealed- even if what we fear is seemingly simple as surviving the day, living life.

You probably should exercise, they're absolutely right about that, but whether you do anything else, whatever you do, just don't give up on you!

-llilah

(in reply to petitbateau)

Post #: 14

RE: I am scared - 4/9/2010 5:01:40 PM

petitbateau

Posts: 40
Joined: 8/9/2009
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not everything is fixed or fine now... but something is better.
I've found, thanks to CM, what seems a good start for a very good ownership.
we'll see. the fears are still with me, but somehow things are starting to assume a different shape.

I must take time to write more, to feel things in a different way and to understand my place better.

but thank you again CM for the support and the nice messages.
:p

_____________________________

__my__blog__http://pandorasboxboy.wordpress.com

There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
Carl Jung

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Post #: 15

RE: I am scared - 4/9/2010 5:09:35 PM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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Dude........... if you know what you want. then go and find what you want

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Post #: 16

RE: I am scared - 4/9/2010 11:05:29 PM

morethanlust

Posts: 1
Joined: 2/26/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: petitbateau

not everything is fixed or fine now... but something is better.
I've found, thanks to CM, what seems a good start for a very good ownership.
we'll see. the fears are still with me, but somehow things are starting to assume a different shape.

I must take time to write more, to feel things in a different way and to understand my place better.

but thank you again CM for the support and the nice messages.
:p

Best wishes and best of luck to you. :)

(in reply to petitbateau)

Post #: 17

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