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switch2please -> hard limits in vanilla sex (3/23/2010 1:41:29 PM)
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I wasn't sure where to post this, but it relates to (mental) health and (emotional) safety so this section seems like a safe bet. It is vaguely sexual, but not D/s related. If there's a more appropriate place to post this, please let me know...
I am in an open poly relationship with my boyfriend. To clarify, we haven't shared partners (though this is something I'm looking forward to) but we do sleep with other people. Sometimes these are good friends who we also have a sexual relationship with, sometimes spontaneous encounters with new friends. I have a close network of sexually open friends, and he prefers experimenting with new partners.
Within a D/s dynamic, limits are fully negotiated because there are admitted risks of physical or emotional harm - so every play partner I've had is well aware that tickling is a hard limit for me because it brings up negative memories and puts me in a bad place. Within a sexual friendship or a vanilla relationship, there are also limits but they're usually discussed on a case-by-case basis - such as no hickeys, limited public displays of affection, and safe sex is a must, but no mention of sexual trauma or childhood abuse unless it's relevant because it's not usually an issue and I don't relish talking about it.
A friend came over the other night. He's never tickled me before so I didn't think to mention the effect it can have. We enjoyed dinner and a bottle of wine and became intimate, and at one point he wanted to see me laugh and thought it would be cute to start seriously tickling me. I've been accidentally tickled before and recovered quickly but this time I shut down, got angry and helpless and cried and didn't want to be touched and I was unable to explain why for about an hour.
I realize I should have firmly stated from the beginning that tickling is not okay. If an informed partner had ignored this, I would have felt betrayed and violated and would not have continued an intimate relationship. If I was tickled while submitting, I would have very harsh feelings toward the dominant. This was a vanilla situation with an uninformed partner, so I realize it's an honest mistake on his part. We've discussed it and he understands my reaction, and understands that it was a direct reaction to the tickling but directed towards the sensation and its relation to past incidents rather than being directed towards him.
I used to inform every partner, and not only is it an awkward conversation but it can preclude sexual relations or inspire a sympathetic response when I don't want a hug, I want to get laid!! It's doubly awkward when I'm craving rough sex or a 'forced' roleplay, because these desires are seen as some sort of a sexual Stockholm syndrome.
My question is this: with a vanilla partner, when is the appropriate time to bring up past sexual trauma and/or certain reminiscent actions? I don't want to burden partners with my past, and I don't want to preclude sexual relations...I just don't want a repeat of this incident.
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