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jbcurious -> RE: Am I looking for a BDSM relationship? (3/27/2010 9:59:48 AM)
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ORIGINAL: beej
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First, while having a strong personality, a good education, a quick mind and ability to take charge...The last thing I want in a relationship is to be in charge...yet that always seems to be where I get stuck.., which causes me to lose respect for my partner...and if I don't respect him any love I had for him is soon replaced by scorn.
i had this same pattern in my past relationships. for me, because i was strong, i was looking for someone stronger, someone to whom i could give the reins during the part of the journey that i wasn't my forte (i can take a curve at 100 mph, but repelling down a cliff? i need a leader and a blindfold, lol). i encouraged my men to be more dominant, and then i pushed, and then when they buckled, i sometimes doled out my share of scorn. i regret that now, but i've learned better. a man's inability to be what i need doesn't make him a scorn worthy failure, after all.
when i came to this, it was just for kicks at first. i didn't see a connection between BDSM and my old relationship patterns at first. unlike you, i hadn't dabbled in insubstantial play; i'd been strictly vanilla. i came here, went straight to a relationship with a Dom, found what you mentioned here, and it was bliss while it lasted:
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I believe there is a vast difference between submitting to a man through trust, respect and love...and some neanderthal trying to take something he hasn't earned.
BUT i also found that when you get what you ask for, someone who is stronger than you in certain areas, someone who has taken time to know you so well that he can see through your wrapping paper and your box and manipulate your buttons, someone who could scare the hell out of you or love you all to pieces... after you get that, well, there you are in pretty little pieces with your ego deflated. there you are perhaps in league with some of the men that you scorned before. there you are, humble and new and aware that its not about you at all actually; its about the relationship. so regarding this:
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Were you never afraid of losing who you are in all this?
yes, i was, and yes i did lose somethings that needed shedding anyway. the me-centered attitude that had engendered scorn in the past... that was the first thing to go, and that was even before he got his hands on me. very quickly in conversation, i realized that he wasn't there to be my ultimate alpha male fantasy, and i wasn't some high spirited exquisite filly to be broken in by the ultimate pussy whisperer. (lol, it's funny the cliches that you think you're too smart for until BDSM becomes real with a real man.) he was there to let me inside him and to tunnel inside me, which is standard relationship math. there was nothing special about it except perhaps that this venue/lifestyle was what it took for me to fully engage, and there's nothing wrong with knowing that as long as you don't transfer magical expectations to BDSM when really you are just having a lovely internal evolution.
as far as losing spunk and self-respect and such? i didn't lose any of that. he folded all of the authentic parts of my personality into the play, even little trinkets like being a smart ass. :) the rest of the time i was exactly the same except... i dunno, but sometimes a strong woman gets into a habit of defending her position/talents for no particular reason? carrying a chip on your shoulder a bit, just to let lovers know that you are to be valued and taken seriously? (the first thing that you mentioned in your post was your qualifications of awesomeness, and i did the same in the first few drafts of my CMe profile). i dunno, but the point is that i relaxed out of that COMPLETELY in my personal time with my Dom. i was still all of those things, but i didn't feel the need to wear it on my chest like a medal, and i had always done that in past relationships.
i had two good months with that particular Dom, and i came out of it feeling more powerful and more deeply rooted in myself, but i was rooted more in vulnerability and a spirit of giving than in an attitude of "i'm so strong that you must be stronger." and again, all of this has made me appreciate the standard math of a good relationship, and that's what i'm shopping for now just in the kinky section of the store.
i realize that may not all apply to you, but i thought i would be confessional in the interest of helping you find your way. good luck to you. :)
It is all applicable and a big part of the reason I came here...I'm tired of being that woman with a chip on her shoulder, of having hard edges. I look back to the soft loving young woman I was the first time i loved a man and I miss her. The world takes a toll on vulnerability and softness when a woman stands alone, without protection or support. You've made me ashamed in my use of the term "scorn"...
It seemed so much easier to proclaim my strengths, than to ask for strength that allows me to soften, I'm not used to asking for anything.
Thank You for useing your confessional to help me.
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