Emotions and The Submissive

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JohnSteed1967 -> Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 8:03:31 AM)
I have someone in my life that has been emotionally damaged by past relationships. So do to that damage she has a problem with trusting and letting her guard down. How can I get her to trust me to show her that I am not like the others that have hurt her. While I say this I know actions speak louder than words. However trust building types of experiances are rarely created, or rather those that are created are not like those that are natural

fullofgrace -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 8:09:30 AM)
i am in a similar place as the woman you are talking about...for my Dominant, it simply took a lot of work on His part to try to create a trusting, nurturing environment for me, and a lot of reassurance that i could do or say anything and He would not leave me. verbal reassurance, as well as action, is important. it will just take time - if it is meant to happen, it will happen, but it may be awhile. good luck to you and to your someone, and if either of you'd ever like to chat, feel free to send me a message :)

CAROLF -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 8:17:08 AM)
gosh, it's hard isn't it? i mean i'm very new, and the trust part is a biggy for me. i am determined tho to trust, it will take much communication on my part, and i will need to go slow with any Dom, as he will need to go slow with me. i, however, look forward to letting it all go once and for all. i just need to chose carefully. you sound very nice, you will succeed, i just know it... hugs

catize -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 8:43:03 AM)
Many dominants spend a lot of time and energy insisting loudly "you can trust ME subbie!!" DG just quietly went about acting in a trustworthy and consistent manner. He showed me that my trust was well placed.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 9:01:48 AM)
i was in that place when my Master found me. i was very hurt and extremely skittish. i can tell you what helped me to relax and trust him: Consistency, consistency, consistency. Always reinforcing what he said, always being clear about his expectations, always saying what he was going to do, connected the dots that lead to trusting his honesty. He had firm patience with me, meaning he understood my history and my "newness" to a legitimate D/s relationship, but he did have rules in place and when they were not met they were always dealt with, even if he understood why i strayed. His punishments were effective, but not extreme. The further i developed, the more effective the punishment. But the two things that stood out more than anything to me were his consistency and clarity. He also was direct and honest in the way he answered questions, and i realized how confident he was in himself...and he was going to not going to compromise his word, or who he was, just to please me. If i did not like the way he was, i was free to leave (during my training period), but i knew also that it was his intention to stay the course with me. A screw up on my part did not mean i would be shown the door. Lastly, he listened to me and he heard me. He learned all my thoughts and concerns, and it was safe to tell him. Even if he didn't like where my head was, he would deal with it rather than punish me for it or dismiss me for it. It takes great strength and patience. i applaud you for trying to do the right thing. Best of luck to you.

Daddysredhead -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 10:52:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie i was in that place when my Master found me. i was very hurt and extremely skittish. i can tell you what helped me to relax and trust him: Consistency, consistency, consistency. Always reinforcing what he said, always being clear about his expectations, always saying what he was going to do, connected the dots that lead to trusting his honesty. He had firm patience with me, meaning he understood my history and my "newness" to a legitimate D/s relationship, but he did have rules in place and when they were not met they were always dealt with, even if he understood why i strayed. His punishments were effective, but not extreme. The further i developed, the more effective the punishment. But the two things that stood out more than anything to me were his consistency and clarity. He also was direct and honest in the way he answered questions, and i realized how confident he was in himself...and he was going to not going to compromise his word, or who he was, just to please me. If i did not like the way he was, i was free to leave (during my training period), but i knew also that it was his intention to stay the course with me. A screw up on my part did not mean i would be shown the door. Lastly, he listened to me and he heard me. He learned all my thoughts and concerns, and it was safe to tell him. Even if he didn't like where my head was, he would deal with it rather than punish me for it or dismiss me for it. It takes great strength and patience. i applaud you for trying to do the right thing. Best of luck to you. I agree wholeheartedly with Owned here. I think that consistency builds trust. I had a very similar kind of start with Daddy and He pretty much followed the same pattern that Owned deliniates above. All the best to both of you.

sanita -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 1:10:10 PM)
i also agree with ownedgirlie. i'd like to add that Your actions will be the building blocks of her trust. If You answer her questions, and bend over backwards to be honest and an open book to her, she will be able to have faith at the point when she can't have all the answers. "Because I said so." while being a very Dominant answer, does not work, if there is not the faith that Your word is solid. You should not have to change who You are to get her trust, just be honest about who You are, and what You are offering, and requiring. The fear of the unknown is what feeds mistrust. If she knows You, and what You are capable of, and what You will do in a situation, then she may be able to dispell that fear. Keep in mind, that her insecurities may not allow her to see what You are offering. i lost a best friend because she could not grasp that i was not out to put her down for my own gain. i worked for years to try to show her that i backed her up and admired and supported her, but she could not accept unconditional friendship. She did not trust me to be what i offered. You may not be able to make her trust, but You can show her what trustworthy is. i would suggest You pay close attention to the things that trigger her insecurities, and address them as best You can. At the same time, be as open and honest as possible.

MyCaptainsPet -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 1:10:16 PM)
i too am very much like the one you speak of. i can also say it takes communication, consistancy and honor to gain my trust. Say what you mean and mean what you say... and always follow thru on promises or commitments. IF you cannot follow thru, be clear as to the reasons why, and reassure her that it is NOT her fault, or something she has done or said thats the reason (as long as that is actually true) Let her be free to ask and question you.. be an open book and allow her to see your soul if you must. Show her that you cherish her and honor her. i don't know about anyone else here.. but it's when the consistancy changes that i start to get skitish.. and sometimes i even run. It takes a strong man, one with conviction and a gentle hand to calm me once again.

NakedOnMyChain -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 2:39:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JohnSteed1967 I have someone in my life that has been emotionally damaged by past relationships. So do to that damage she has a problem with trusting and letting her guard down. How can I get her to trust me to show her that I am not like the others that have hurt her. While I say this I know actions speak louder than words. However trust building types of experiances are rarely created, or rather those that are created are not like those that are natural It's going to take time, time, and more time. In that time be the best man you can be. Don't give her a reason not to trust you. It's easier said than done, but the only way you can earn someone's trust is to prove it to them over a lengthy period of time. Unfortunately, it only takes a moment to reverse the trust that years have built. Good luck.

BitaTruble -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 2:56:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JohnSteed1967 I have someone in my life that has been emotionally damaged by past relationships. So do to that damage she has a problem with trusting and letting her guard down. How can I get her to trust me to show her that I am not like the others that have hurt her. While I say this I know actions speak louder than words. However trust building types of experiances are rarely created, or rather those that are created are not like those that are natural I agree with the posts here about being consistant and that it will take time. I don't have much to add except you mentioned in your post that this woman has her walls up, so would just suggest that you make sure that your walls are transparent. Most of us have at least some sort of baggage we carry around with us. Try not to put expectations on to her. Make sure to see what she 'is' .. not what you want her to be. It's great to see potential for relationships, as long as that potential is really there. Best of luck to you, Celeste

zebra -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 3:08:25 PM)
Trying to build trust must be very very difficult. I also come from a difficult place emotionally, and I can see myself leading with the fear of abandonment. I'm betting that most people are not going to hang around long for that, and my experience has been that they don't. I'm hoping for the special dom who can engage me on several levels and really hang in there, since that's probably what it's going to take. And the fact that you wrote this post and inquired indicates that you can be that kind of person for her. I suggest patience, not making ANY promises which, when you search your soul, you realize you might not be able to keep, and lots and lots of acceptance. I just hope that feeds your needs in some way, too.

KatyLied -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 3:34:46 PM)
The best things you can do to help her: 1) be honest 2) follow through when you make promises, even small things like "I'll call you at 9 tonight", or "I'll say hi on im in the morning". 3) be prepared to see small changes over time, you won't see a big leap in change, it takes a lot of time to undo that type of damage. Those are important steps. It is difficult to deal with someone's baggage, but everyone has it and she will (hopefully) appreciate the time you put in helping her.

PenelopePitstop -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 6:06:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JohnSteed1967 I have someone in my life that has been emotionally damaged by past relationships. So do to that damage she has a problem with trusting and letting her guard down. How can I get her to trust me to show her that I am not like the others that have hurt her. While I say this I know actions speak louder than words. However trust building types of experiances are rarely created, or rather those that are created are not like those that are natural Well, be consistent and patient and for your own peace of mind, understand that her difficulty is not a reflection on your character. But on the whole consistency is very important in these situations because whether she means to or not, she will be watching your behaviour very closely. Over time she may come to realise that you mean what you say and do. Give her evidence that sometimes the bad things she is expecting aren't going to happen, you don't have to make a big issue of it, just be gently supportive and willing to bite your tongue when she comes out with irrational things. Actually, being able to bite one's tongue is a rare gift :) wish I had it.

esina -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 8:35:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JohnSteed1967 I have someone in my life that has been emotionally damaged by past relationships. So do to that damage she has a problem with trusting and letting her guard down. How can I get her to trust me to show her that I am not like the others that have hurt her. While I say this I know actions speak louder than words. However trust building types of experiances are rarely created, or rather those that are created are not like those that are natural Be Yourself, be honest, dont pressure or rush trust takes time, be consistent in everything You say AND do, always communicate freely, and remember limits and discuss safewords. If You just relax and try to be Yourself, not make a point of creating a trust building exercise or scene, it might help.... if You like, use my motto little steps make for happiness. esina xxx

Sensualips -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/2/2006 9:12:24 PM)
Natural trust building things happen all the time. Follow through with what you say -- call if you say you will call, if you tell her you will do something then do it. Be honest even when it is inconvenient or painful. Don't pretend that you will never hurt her. You will. It happens. But show her through actions you would never hurt her maliciously or intentionally and if it does occur you will make changes and choices to fix it.

RavenMuse -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/3/2006 3:34:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JohnSteed1967 I have someone in my life that has been emotionally damaged by past relationships. So do to that damage she has a problem with trusting and letting her guard down. How can I get her to trust me to show her that I am not like the others that have hurt her. While I say this I know actions speak louder than words. However trust building types of experiances are rarely created, or rather those that are created are not like those that are natural Consistency, firmness balanced with gentleness and keen observation. Trust takes time to build and like an elephant it has to be eaten one bite at a time. Some sticking points become obvious when you listen to her side of discussions, other sticking points will hit you on the blindside but you have to handle both in the same consistant manner. Having a problem is something I never blame a girl for, refusing to try and tackle the problem is something I will be disapointed in her for. If something IS too big a step, try defering it for a short while and building the trust with smaller steps. Talking is all very well, but until it has been backed up by actions then it is mearly empty words. If she jumps off a few small hills and you catch her every time then she will start to believe in the fact that you will catch her when you ask her to jump off something larger. Some situations however, there are no easier options, if there is something larger in the way and stopping you being able to build the trust in smaller ways.... I have on occassion shown a girl the edge and told her I'll be at the bottom of the jump to catch her but that the choise was hers. Some have walked away rather than face the jump, others have taken the risk.... and I've never missed catching one yet! [:D]

doves -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/3/2006 3:40:58 AM)
As RavenMuse said ... "consistency" ... And plenty of time. Its near impossible to "get it right" all the time, so as long as the lines of communication are kept open, it should make things better. It helps with Master and i anyway.. i'm the one with the trust issues that came from previous bad experiences.. so i can relate to the OP.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/3/2006 6:54:28 AM)
You can be consistent in your character and give her time and experience. That's really the only way. Once you've gone that far, she has to trust herself and her judgement to take her the rest of the way. Everyone's had their hearts broken and had shitty things done in their lives. She will either learn to move beyond it and not allow her fear to drive her...or she won't.

Mercnbeth -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/3/2006 9:05:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JohnSteed1967 I have someone in my life that has been emotionally damaged by past relationships. So do to that damage she has a problem with trusting and letting her guard down. How can I get her to trust me to show her that I am not like the others that have hurt her. While I say this I know actions speak louder than words. However trust building types of experiances are rarely created, or rather those that are created are not like those that are natural She might never be able to trust another human~then again, she might make a FULL recovery...you might be the most trustworthy person she has ever met, but if she is not willing to do the work necessary on her part to BE a trusting person, it won't matter...for trust to work, it has to be a two way street. It will take time and effort and it might not be easy. How willing is she? There are a lot of variables that weren't mentioned, but this slave was reminded of this when reading this post: this slave was in a relationship with an emotionally damaged person who did not trust women. this slave was brutally honest with him, trusting, fiercely devoted and loyal...it really didn't matter, because he wasn't willing to work on his past issues--as this slave found out years later, he did not WANT to be trusting, or honest about it for that matter. if he would have been honest, he would have said he wanted to appear heterosexual in some sort of quasi-relationship, convenient access to a lubed human hole and an emotional and physical "punching bag"~ all at his disposal to vent his frustrations on as he went about "playing" people and "playing" at life. 17 years later, he is still the same, just gone through about 10 more women, working on his 3rd strike and a nice lengthy stint in prison next time around. and he is still the same emotionally damaged person who doesn't trust women, refusing to change.

harmony3709 -> RE: Emotions and The Submissive (4/3/2006 10:51:26 AM)
Yes, consistency and time. Honesty is key, including being open with your own mistakes and showing her that you realize when you make a mistake and are big enough to acknowledge it and discuss it and then move on. Also, make absolutely certain -- at least as best as anyone can anyway -- that you ARE definitely, positively, absolutely going to be there (overnight or otherwise). I can't help but caution anyone who is going to go into a relationship with someone who they know has been emotionally damaged or bruised and has trust issues (as so many of us do) that they take this very very seriously and take the time to do a lot of soul searching to make sure that this is something you want to do. Your post implies that you are going into this relationship with your eyes wide open and with good intentions, and giving you the benefit of the doubt, I will assume you have done this and concluded that you are willing to put in the work necessary. I have absolutely marveled at the patience shown by my Master in overcoming my trust issues. Luckily for me, he has the patience and sees something in me that he feels is worth his effort and the work.........and had that not been the case, there would have just been more damage compounded. I can only hope that my submission and devotion in turn show him how I feel about him for his patience and effort.

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