femasoslave
Posts: 472
Joined: 5/24/2009
Status: offline
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In a lot of ways i'm quite inexperienced, i had no idea i was a subby till my mid 30's. I was just too busy before then to explore that side of me.
Then there were a couple of major upheavals in my life, i used to be a pro sportswoman and when i was 33 i had a bad accident which completely ended my career, and then my husband left me 2years later when i was 7months pregnant.
It was after that that i started exploring the internet and thats when i found out about the world of bdsm, it explained a lot about myself and how i had been all of my life.....i'm going to digress here......
I'd had problems with the 2 serious relationships i was in, they were both with men weaker than me, the first man i was with for 9yrs, i used to play around, i was never going to marry him but it was easier to stay with him than to split up. It was when i was 28 and i found all the money had been drained out of my bank account that i had to break up with him (he was addicted to gambling and was a pathological liar).
I met my future hubby 8months later and he swept me off my feet (looking back, i was ready to fall in love etc etc) but i know now he fell in love the public persona of me, not me for how i am, how i think, oh well...shit happens!)
I'd always wanted to please men sexually (even when i was 17 i asked my 3rd lover, ...ahhh....ben from america, he was lovely, a holiday fling, to teach me to be better sexually, how to please a man, he naturally said oral, lol) but they didnt want me, they wanted me sexually but nothing more, because i was perceived as a slut they enjoyed me but that was it, i think dominant men were a bit put off by how strong and dominant i was which was all an act cos i thought that they wanted a woman who knew what she doing.
I only knew the vanilla world, i used to incorporate mild bdsm in my relationships, tying up, blindfolding, role play, i was doing that in my later teens, gee its not hard to get a man to try new stuff, even if they are vanilla, but when i used to tie them up i was always wishing they'd tie me up and play with me for hours like i would do for them but when they'd do it, they'd do it just so they could get to the fucking part and orgasm, i could always tell their heart wasnt in it.
The internet opened my eyes in a big, big way, i started off with being dommed online, that was a buzz, graduated to getting a webcam and being told what to do.....looking back now the Doms were basically vanilla men wanting to be Dom (the webcam guy was married) but i was in my learning curve, it got a point where one day i was talking with a previous lover from my past and i told him about my fantasies and he told me that he wanted to Dom me, it ended up not a good experience, since we'd been lovers he's been very badly hurt bu his partner and he was hating women and he took it out on me, this was my first 'real' experience...he told me that i wouldnt be allowed to speak to him when he turned up in the room,to not do anything, i had to wear something which was able to be torn off me, i did all of that, when he arrived, i smiled at him, he snarled at me, told me to not smile and then ripped the top off me, blindfolded me, proceeded to use me, he then got a friend of his to come in and fuck me, after his friend left he got this whip and hit me so hard the welts raised up 2inches, i could only crawl in pain, it was bad, he pissed on me in the shower, told me to drink it, he then put me on the bed and proceeded to try and fist me, which he couldnt do as i was too tight but because of him trying to force his hand in me, he tore me, it made me bleed and then he accused me of having my period, he then left after taking the blindfold off.
Silly me, saw him again...anyway i could go on with what happened but theres no point, he humiliated me each time and i now have a problem with being humiliated, i makes me want to cry and turn myself into a ball, which i wouldnt do but thats how it makes me feel.
The catalyst to me not seeing him again, HE HIT ME in anger in my car, i blew my lid and told him to fuck off, i told him to get out of my car, that was it. 20mins later i broke down, i cried and cried, i felt so small, so stupid to get sucked in by him.
it was after that i joined Alt, i met a Dom who was a player, just wanted to used me sexually for him and a couple of his friends, he was fun, he treated me nice, not into anything serious (had my first experience with a woman with him, i fisted her!!....i'm straight, i like the female form, it's beautiful but they just don't turn me on, i love men!)...we then drifted apart...he only wanted a plaything, i started seeing his friends for a while for sex but it wasnt enough, i then met a man on a normal dating site who told me (i always managed to steer the conversation towards sex) that his fantasy was to have a slave....we met and after experimenting, i told him that i'd always had insensative nipples, he then out a peg on one and twisted it.....it blew my mind, it hurt! and was so exquisite!!!, i'd never experienced pain in a sexual way....after a few months we got to the stage where he was whipping me with a his single tail and when he hit my clit, i'd orgasm (the crazy thing was that i'd be crawling away from the pain but wanting it at the same time, he didnt restrain me), it was amazing, i'd never experienced sub space before. After about 6months he broke up with me, he never got to accept the sadistic side of him but i accepted my masochistic side, it hurt when he broke up cos i didnt know.
I was home nursing my poor feelings when a fortnight later i got a txt from a guy who said that he'd heard i liked to tie men up....it got my attention naturally (i thought it was a set-up butit was a genuine wrong number txt!)....i hadnt done it for a while but it showed me that this guy was into more than just vanilla....we got chatting over the next 6weeks (in the meantime i was fulfilling my sexual needs with a guy in town) and he told me about his fantasies of having a Mistress, it turned me on and i thought, oh yeah i can do this...we ended up having a weekend together, i had fun with him, i honestly thought iwas a Mistress for about 4 months (it was a bit of a relief at the time to think i was, as in my head it was more acceptable to be that way instead of sub). It got to the point where one day i thought to myself, i want to be on the reveiving end......i contacted a so called Dom in Alt and we met, he was ok but he treated me how he thought i wanted to be treated, he whipped me with the whip he thought i liked, i won't go any further cos i bet you all know that he was just a pretender.
i then was in contact with a Master online as he was in Dubai working at the time although Sydney was his home and he got me to pierce my nipples with a safety pin, which was another eye opener as i didnt think i'd like and be able to do it but i did!....we met after a about 4weeks but although he talked the talk and walked the walk very welll, i realised that he wasnt REAL, he called me needy which didnt make sense to me after everything i'd read up on the net, sub/slaves crave attention, being told what to do etc...as you can see, i was learning...i met another Dom after that, he sold real estate, he was pretty genuine but we were into different things, i wanted more extreme play, we had one play session, it was fun and he was a nice man but that was about it.
Exploring the net after that i happened to come across in someones porfile which mentioned 'collarme', i'd never heard of it, so i looked it up, hmm a free site which i can peruse without even joining!....i found a Dom's profile which struck a chord, he was unlike any of the others, he didnt carry on about what he wanted sexually, he said about he wanted a relationship, he wanted the house with the white picket fence etc, he said what his interests were, he didnt go at all into the bdsm side ....apart from a song he'd written in his journal which he said had to be sung to the tune of "The Sound of Music"!!!!!.... it said quite a few things which he was into which i liked, pain!....i didnt contact him for a while, i watched him as he moved from sydney to melbourne, it was after a couple of months that i decided to join collarme, naturally i immediately got besieged with messages from so called doms, i met with one and that was a disaster, he was a pretender......it was then i decided to bite the bullet and i contacted my Master.......he was working over the other side of the country then (hadnt bothered changing his profile to show it thank goodness!) but in the process of moving back....we met when he had a interview for the Directors job he now commands.....he was amazing, he wasnt interested in playing, he wanted to know me (we'd been doing a lot of talking before that), to feel the chemistry, when he gently caressed the back of my neck...ahhhh...he told me later that he knew then i was the one......a month later he moved over, since then we have been together every weekend (that was last june), i moved in with him at Xmas....
what can i say about him.....every core, every nerve in me knows he is real, he is a genuine Master, i just want to be submissive before him, he is strong, i'm being a bit of a pain as i'm learning, not long ago i put my foot down and told him that i have to take back a bit of control of my life as i don't want to see him fuck another subby or switch and that i dont want to play with single women, that i will be jealous and i dont want that!! Now, to my Masters credit, he let me go through with my tirade and seemedly accepted it, he said that he was willing to compromise, he wasnt happy about it but he would.....my problem since then has been that ive been feeling guilty....i have just realised that it's wrong, i'm very, very wrong, i don't think it's jealousy, i think it was me rebelling against Him being dominant, i have apologised and he told me that was fine, he was going to do what he wanted anyway, he has told me since that he thinks he has being giving me way too much leeway and i WILL be doing as i'm told, that he will be tying me up as he doms another and fucks her in front of me, he says i will learn, i believe him although i dont understand yet how that will make me more subby. He didnt punish me but i begged him to whip me past the limits of what i normally endure for him, he was surprised with the amount of pain i took for him, i didnt like it, i didnt want to like it, i didnt realise i wanted to be punished till afterwards.
He has taught me a lot about pain, he has used the soldering iron on the entrance so that when he fucks me, it hurts, i love feeling the pain and pleasure combined, i love being his pain slut, he has soldered "PAIN SLUT" on my arse.
i love clit torture, he puts rubber bands around it, it hurts like hell to start, i nearly scream in pain but then it subsides to a slow throb and when he flicks it with a whip, or bumps it while he's fucking me, the pain orgasms i have are astounding. he has play pierced it, he has cut the clit hood so it is more pronounced, i now have a 4gauge bar through it (got it in 2days ago cos the hole keeps stretching, he originally pierced it with a 10g), the sensativity in it is less but i'm finding that i'm orgasming more than what i ever have in my life, my clit has always been a nuisance, it always used to take me forever to cum, i sort of used it as a means to an end.
My Master has told me that one day he may no longer have a use for it, with the clit torture it may end up having no sensativity at all and if that day comes he would like to take it off, what did i think about that? i have no qualms with that happening, i know you all find that hard to believe but my clit doesnt mean that much to me. now this may never happen, but if it does, it will be with my full consent and i will never regret it even if the worse happened and our relationship didnt last.
i have no idea why it wouldnt last as we are open and honest, he has told me that this is the first time in his life that he feels that he can be a genuine Master, that he has had many subbies but he has always wanted to do what he wants, to be able to not hold back his desires and his wants, that i make him feel so much more, that he can finally be true to himself without holding back....that in turn makes me feel so good that i can do that for him and when he controls, uses, dominates me, i just want to melt.
He loves me with a passion as i do him, he says he has never met anyone as kind as me, we have great conversations, he tells me about his work, he appreciates my thoughts and insights into things, he says i keep him grounded at times. Everything nhe doea is with a passion.
I am finding that for the first time in my life, my whole life, that i am being loved for the person i am, not just the body or the persona i have portrayed, i am finding that i'm feeling more free than i ever have, i always felt that there had to be more to life, even during my successful days i felt that there had to be more and ya know something, i'm just a normal stay at home mum, 50'style, and i want for nothing now, i'm so happy, i can sense that things are going to get more free inside me as i learn and accept that i am completely and utterly his, for his use, to control, to dominate, to love, it makes my heart sing......now if something happened, goodness knows what and it finished, i will never regret being with him and what i can do for him, it makes me want cry now to imagine life without him but i'm realistic that these can happen...BUT I WILL NEVER REGRET MY TIME WITH HIM, he has done so much for me. So for all you that say people break up, i know that but if believed there was a chance of that happeneing i could never have opened up as i am now, with him.
He tells me that i also make him feel free, i know this is forever, i want to be his, to please him ,to love him, to adore him, for him to mould me to make me better for him, that doesnt make me a lessor person to want to please him, it is making me feel strong because he is the one i am submitting to, it doesnt matter who may use me in the future, my Master is the one i will be submitting to, i want to make him happy.
I decided that i had made this story way too long after re-reading it and i have edited it.
< Message edited by femasoslave -- 3/31/2010 7:37:37 PM >
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