RE: feeling sort of snobby (Full Version)

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Misstoyou -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 9:30:31 PM)

IMO (note I left out the "humble" lol) telling a prospective dominant that you, the submissive, would like him/her to change something about himself/herself does not bode well for the power exchange in the relationship.



mnottertail -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 9:32:43 PM)

It shouldn't be.............asked and answered, in my estimation,; am I shallow?........I have posted this in your baliwick, does a mistress always use a strapon?  I think I have always forwarded the opinion that people should eat with their mouth closed, it seems to be rather common if not mean and rudimentery grace...

LOLOL,
Ron



TexasMaam -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 9:34:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Misstoyou

IMO (note I left out the "humble" lol) telling a prospective dominant that you, the submissive, would like him/her to change something about himself/herself does not bode well for the power exchange in the relationship.


I agree with Misstoyou.

But is it more important for a Dom to know how to wield a whip or a fork?

If he has the talent and skill as a Dom, it's possible he's a diamond in the rough.

I would suggest focusing on activities other than dining out to see if the other essentials are in place.  If so, she could always coax a bit of polish and pinache later on.

TexasMaam



TexasMaam -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 9:38:21 PM)

Shallow? No, you've never impressed Me as being shallow.
Merely over-idiosynchratic.

TexasMaam



truesub4u -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 9:40:36 PM)

Alot of things do depend on background too. You sid he raised fork about the food and stabbed at it... (I personally hate when my steak is not laying there dead and tries to crawl off too.. or Moo's at me)[:D] No seriously, it all depends on things from the past as well. My sister has known hunger before, from living on the streets... to this day.. she scarfs her food like it's going to be taken from her by someone. Even though she's been out of that for over 20 years, she stil sort of covers her food like she has to protect it from theives.

Like others have stated, sinuses play a big part in people who eat with mouth open. I know when I'm having sinus attacks, problems.. I refuse to eat out. But I've also been told I hum while I eat sometimes. I've never noticed it.. but try to make myself aware of it... still never heard it myself, even when it's brought to my attention.

I have been out with others that I feel they belong at the zoo during dinner hour. But I do not try to make a big deal out of it. I've used remarks others have advised on so far in this post. Seeing someone else doing,make a comment about it. But being able to tell by your post this is hard thing for you to "get use" to... I personally wouldn't. I would take Tempt's advice on this. Use the straight up honesty card, either way.. you're gonna come out a winner in this.. if this is really a hard problem for you to get past.

It might be petty to others... but it's your gut... your limit.. not others.. good luck with you hun...

Jessica


Edited to add.... [```]3 1 Turkish coffee to CERCKL [;)]



RiotGirl -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 9:42:40 PM)

There is always a tactful way to address an issue.  First what you'd want to start off with is complimenting him.  Simply because it sets the stage for him "hearing" you.  When people start off with "i cant stand the way you eat" or something else negative, people in general shut down and dont listen.  So you start off postive.  Start off with, i really enjoy your company and things have really hit it off.  i think you're a great guy.  (name some things about him that you think are great)  And then break into it slowly.   When conforting a person about something that bothers you, never make it a negative about them.  Dont say "you are disgusting when you eat"  it would be better to say "I find it disgusting"  Make it a YOU thing.  Not a him.  You could bring up your childhood and how you were raised.  Mention how important table manners were in your household and though it is probably silly, they are really important to you as well.  (by saying "silly" or nulling the the importance of it... it is in a way so the impact of what you are saying doesnt hit him negatively)  You are not telling him he's "bad" or "wrong"  but its a personal issue for YOU.  It is your issue.  Not his.  As in truth it is. 

Ok, so you've opened him up by letting him know you do enjoy his company and like him.  (as i assume you do)
You have steered clear of insulting him or even having him feel insulted
you have informed him that table manners are important to you
you have informed him it IS your problem and YOUR issue and you understand this

Now, you need to sort of let him know.  Hopefully he'd of already caught on.  But some people are dense.  Next, you could phrase it as a question, a polite one.  "Do you think its possible that you could eat with your mouth closed"  Tho thats bit abrupt.  Or you could ask, "i've noticed that you seem to eat with your mouth open, do you have problems with allergies?"  Hopefully before you've had to get to his, he's already aware of what you're trying to say and its been opened up for discussion.  Be openminded.  If you think "its disgusting" its going to come off as so.  If you think "hey there might be a valid reason for this.. i'm curious as to what it is" then it will come off as so.

See you dont want to come off as insulting or negative.  He will likely get offended.  And offended person is not one that will openly discuss something or would even want to talk it out.  Which is what you should want to do.  And you have to remember.  That just because bad table manners is "bad" for you does not mean it is "bad" in general.  You also want to make sure you seperate the action from the person.  Make it non personal.  "i am not saying you are disgusting, but the way you eat makes me feel ill" but even that is abit insulting.  Put yourself in his shoes, how would you want some one addressing and issue with you?  Would you want them to say "you make me feel ill?"  Not some one you'd like want to speak to again is it?

yes you can address it tactfully.  You can address anything tactfully.  Though i dont know if this has helped any, but it is sort of the forumla that i go by when i try and address things with others.  Of course my methods are abit more indepth and dependent upon the person (and sometimes i just throw all tact aside) but its much harder to put into writing then acting on it.





TheShadows -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 9:42:56 PM)

This is not something that bothers me to the point of vomiting, but I can see the potential of it being a turn-off.  This is not something that I would do to a potential match, but could he be testing you?  Testing you to see if you can identify what you want, and then voice it?  From what you said, he seems to be a somewhat refined individual other than his table manners.  I just can't see someone going to the Boston Art Museum, showing good behavior there, then going to a restaurant and eating like a pig.  It just doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of what you've told us about him.

Anyways...My advice...Be a good example.  If you're unable to eat while he's eating because it disgusts you, show it and let him know.  Maybe he'll get the hint.  Maybe he won't.  I'd give him a second date.  But if it happens again, even after bringing it up to him...I'd be moving on.

Good luck in whatever you decide.



maybemaybenot -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 9:48:19 PM)

quote:

maybenot.........you are a stupid cunt


mnottertail: You old sweet talker... How many dogs have you charmed off the meat wagon this week ?
And for now, I will take the term " stupid cunt" as a term of endearment from you.

quote:

why is table manners so important to you, what does it mean and then speak with Him about it...  


Because to me, mealtime should be a pleasant experience. It can be as simple as conversatioal, wind down time at the end of the day to extremely sensual and erotic.

quote:

  Hmm, well i grew up with two older brothers who basically snorted while they ate, so i guess i was conditioned to not let sound and such bother me so much lol.

I can relate on the opposite side of the coin. I was brought up where you got a quick smack in the face for that or *stabbed* on the back of your hand fro eating with your fingers.

quote:

  I prefer one to eat with a certain, repsectful manner but I don't demand 'dainty' when eating pizza for example...


I don't demand dainty either, certain meals or meal times are more loose than others. It's the noise and the visual of seeing chewed up food in someones mouth when they are speaking to you.

SimplyV, Tempting and TexasMaam:

I know you are absolutely correct that it is not something I could adapt to, and it must be talked about. I do plan on doing it. I guess it is more I am pretty straight up about things and am struggling with the " tact element". Maybe I am personalizing it too much. If someone talked to me about table maners, I would be embarassed.  It was one date and I haven't alot vested in it.

I kinda like the taking him to the zoo approach tho... LOL...too bad I laugh my butt off at the monkeys.

                               mbmbn



FelinePersuasion -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 9:49:36 PM)

No. Simply put table manners are not important to every one. Some people don't know their manners suck, some people just don't care.

My bf's brother is a smacker and a slurper and I told him flat out once don't smack please and their dad's like did you just tell him not to smack his food? I said yes I did jeff, and jeffs like see randal other people don't like it either, then says to me he's always smacking his food


quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyV




Aren't table manners important to everyone?? 



TexasMaam -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 10:04:38 PM)

I don't think you're personalizing it too much at all. That would be a huge issue with me, as well.

I was trying to think how I would handle it if a potential submissive displayed horrendous table manners when all else seemed to click.

My immediate thought was that table manners are something that can be learned, while innate intelligence, curiosity, mutual non-BDSM interests and BDSM interests cannot.

If a boy I was considering had a LOT going for him in every other area, I would not immediately throw the baby out with the bathwater.  I'd take the time to evaluate other aspects of his personality and move the table manners to the back burner for awhile, knowing that it would eventually need to be addressed.

I truly think I'd avoid meals, at first. There are plenty of other things to do besides eat.  Then after a couple of weeks, if things seem to click I'd start considering how to best approach the issue.

With a Male Dom, I would probably tell him that I've always been self conscious eating in front of other people. I'd ask him to help me learn the correct etiquette for silverware, place settings and table manners, and I'd ask if he'd teach me.

...a Machiavellian approach...

TexasMaam



RiotGirl -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 10:05:03 PM)

ooooooooo and if you have a somewhat playful relationship with him, you could "joke" about it.  i find that works well at times.  But you do SERIOUSLY need to be joking.  With mirth and cuteness and all the above.  Grin at him and jokingly say "what were you born in a barn?"  Which might startle him abit, but you want it to come off as no harm done.. not insultingly.  IE something thats silly and cute, that you're not insulting him.  Seriously need to stay away from insults.  Tho sometimes insults can be masked over with jokes and can go over well.  Yet they get the point across non confrontationally/negatively. Dependent upon the person and the situation.  Sometimes its highly inappropriate. 

And of course you can always try the age old.  Requesting to speak.  Requesting to speak your mind.  "i really hope to not offend as its not my intention, but is there any way possible you could please chew with your mouth closed"  In a demur, timid like manner

And then there is the last but not least.  Eat excatly the same way he is eating.  Sometimes people have no clue about their habits until they are shown to them.  And if he sees you eating that way he might notice it.  Though i dont know how well this would work with eating.  Though i have found it works for other things.  Honestly, i can not see you (or even me) eating like that and being able to pull it off in all seriousness.  You might, funny enough, just disgust him, instead of open things up for dicussion. 

There are many ways to approach something.  But of course never do it in a way that isnt "real" for you and everything is dependable upon the situation.  For me sometimes blunt is best, sometimes i feel timidish speaking up with certian ppl, sometimes with others jokingly bring it up feels right and proper and other times acting that way myself seems more appropriate.  i'm not telling you to act.  Or to not be real or yourself.  You need to find what is real and comfortable for you, as well as appropriate for the situation. 

And sometimes i just look at a person in disgust when an offending behavior presents itself.  But they are usually people i know wont be offended.  A simple frown, or a sideways look.  And even with unmentionables, like tantrums.. its great to say "everyones looking at you"  So you could even show your embarresment and mention that your table seems to be the center of amusement.  LOL tho i doubt that would go over well.

But there are many ways.  Just figure it out



RiotGirl -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 10:09:31 PM)

quote:

With a Male Dom, I would probably tell him that I've always been self conscious eating in front of other people. I'd ask him to help me learn the correct etiquette for silverware, place settings and table manners, and I'd ask if he'd teach me.


i think thats an awesome idea



amayos -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 10:16:20 PM)

There are times when it is appropriate to feast in draconian convention, though in matters of public dining, one bereft of the common sensibilities instructing good manner and class may well be signaling that other transgressions against preferred refinement lay in wait.

Realization that we are burning the basted fowl in the oven seldom is an epiphany of all senses resounding in unison. Often it is at first hinted with the subtle scent of something burning...




FelinePersuasion -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 10:18:22 PM)

I never knew I smacked when I chewed and I was unhappy when an X told me I did because I wanted to come across as lady like, not smacking n slurping. so he always complimented me on my beautifull eating when I remembered manners.



maybemaybenot -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 10:24:36 PM)

I am on the yanno fence about this not boding well for the power exchange. I can see it, but then again, this is the getting to know you phase and I think I need to be upfront.  I also think as other have said, maybe he isn't fully aware of how he is eating.
As far as what Shadow referred to as being uncharacteristic to the entire picture, very true. BTW, I picked the Art Museum as a public meet because it is quiet and has a nice library where you can sit and talk privatey, more than for any deep love of art. Every bite and every sip wasn't horrible, but bad  enough for me to take notice.
RG made some good points about focusing on the positve first and Texas Maam, TY.. good idea about doing other things for the next few times. I tend to feel the need to address things immediately and maybe I need to lay back a bit and take my time, and see where it is actually going.

quote:

   personally hate when my steak is not laying there dead and tries to crawl off too.. or Moo's at me


true: that cracked me up !! And I never considered sinus's. Maybe I will bring up sinus troubles on the next date. I guess I could concede to open mouth chewing, as long as he didn't chit chat with a mouth full.. lol


Thank You all.... some great ideas and thoughts[:D]
                           mbmbn



ownedgirlie -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/2/2006 10:32:42 PM)

Just be sure every time he takes a bite...YOU start talking [:D]

For the record, we got a wapping when not demonstrating proper etiquette at the dinner table as well, but that didn't stop the two brothers from snorting during breakfast and lunch!!  :)



Sirandlittle1 -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/3/2006 1:36:04 AM)

Honestly communicate with him. You are not the only one to be moulded by any D/s interchange that will occur.

To give him the push for this, without even allowing him to chose if he wishes to address this issue says something not good of you.

As you are compatable on so many levels other than this, surely its worth a try? Dom/mes arent usually so up their own arses that they cants see room for self improvement. If it turns out he is such a person, then its no loss. If he adjusts his manners to suit, then that speaks volumes of openmindedness to me.
littleone

Ron, you really let yourself down sometimes.



Level -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/3/2006 2:39:40 AM)

My advice is to run like hell............okay, if he's really a great guy, maybe make the next couple of dates at non-eating type places.......get him more familar with you. Then tell him. It likely won't work, but give it a shot. I work with a woman that makes me sick lol.......uses her straw to clean her teeth, then continues using the straw to drink...sucks her teeth..........smacks like a goddam cow working its cud.......she takes no hints, nor suggestions...
 
Level



Level -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/3/2006 2:54:11 AM)

And what if ya'll become partners...................he ties you up......leaves the room......comes back with a bowl of cereal..... a banana......maybe some licorice........you cant move........slurppp slurrppp chomp chomp smack smack....



Lashra -> RE: feeling sort of snobby (4/3/2006 2:59:11 AM)

Be up front and tell him, he needs to know as I'm sure your not the only one who has been disgusted by his apeman table manners. But try and do it gently as you know how their egos can be. If he freaks then you know he's one of those that you can't really talk to things about and you may want to reconsider him as a Dom.

~Lashra



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