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LanceHughes -> RE: Need help...poem title (4/1/2010 10:56:06 PM)
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Playin' shinny after a bottle of Jack
don't make you no younger but it sure takes you back.
The usual gang talkin' trash and takin' bets
on a sunny afternoon, its as good as it gets
Last line needs punctuation correction.
Playin' shinny after a bottle of Jack
don't make you no younger but it sure takes you back.
The usual gang talkin' trash and takin' bets
on a sunny afternoon, it's as good as it gets
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Ain't nobody hirin' so why even try,
whistle at the girls as they parade by.
Nothin' else to do but wander down the road
get so effin' bored I think I might explode.
Last line doesn't scan. I suggest:
Ain't nobody hirin' so why even try,
whistle at the girls as they parade by.
Nothin' else to do but wander down the road.
So effin' bored I think I'll explode.
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Break out the guitars and sing an old song,
don't give a damn if we got the words all wrong.
Twenty brown bottles lyin' on the floor,
pitch in your cash boys we got to go for more.
Last line doesn't scan. I suggest:
Break out the guitars and sing an old song,
don't give a damn if we got the words all wrong.
Twenty brown bottles lyin' on the floor,
pitch in your cash boys, we need some more.
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This crazy life will be the end of me yet,
each passing day just puts you further in debt.
Guess I always knew there'd be days like this:
"Suspended animation, a state of bliss."
WOW! Last line stopped me dead in my tracks and not in a good way. First, you yourself know it's wrong. Otherwise why the quote marks? The only other three syllable word is "afternoon" and it works. There are no other four syllable words. I felt like I ran into a brick wall, especially with seven syllables in two words.
This crazy life will be the end of me yet,
each passing day just puts you further in debt.
Guess I always knew there'd be days like this:
All ready and raring, but no place to go.
Not a couplet, but sentiment is dead on. Maybe switch third line to end in "know." Let's see:
This crazy life will be the end of me yet,
each passing day just puts me further in debt.
Days like this: nothin' happenin' as far as I know.
All ready and raring, but no place to go.
Still not quite right, but I like 4th line. Just need a better 3rd - maybe ending with a different rhyming word than "know." Throw? NOT "woe" - bleah. Toe... stub the toe? close, but no. Maybe "in a row." ... "Ducks in a row."
Days like this, my ducks in a row,
All ready and raring, but no place to go.
Yep.
On 2nd line, I replaced "you" with "me." Better to "pull" the reader "into" narrator's POV, you think?
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Gotta sleep (12:35 AM - local time) You're welcome to any and all suggestions I've made.
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Title? A couple leap at me.
What I don't know
Takin' you back
No place to go
As good as it gets - probably NOT.
Suspended animation - probably NOT.
A state of bliss - probably NOT.
A sunny afternoon - probably NOT.
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