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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/8/2010 9:54:26 AM   
slavekal


Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline 		We might not be so incompatible, Mistress Roux.  I enjoy solitude too.  I like a woman who needs her alone time.  That is all the more reason to make the time we do spend together as enjoyable and exciting as possible.  I don't mean that a woman has to be "on" all the time, but if vanilla is the real her, and being served and worshiped is a big chore, then she is not for me. 
This is not so different from what vanilla guys experience.  The wife or girlfriend gets so comfortable, she starts to become more of a friend than anything else.  If you aren't in the mood tonight, give me a call when you are.


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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/8/2010 8:49:13 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRoux

By "hybrid," I mean acts and to some extent mindset. I do want a sub who exercises autonomy in certain areas, though if I may choose to alter their decisions, etc., is this really autonomy?

I have had purely BDSM relationships where I all but micromanage while together and then I've had partnerships with no BDSM involved. I've never considered anyone in the former category a serious partner. It was essentially play and I was in a certain frame of mind throughout our time together. I'd like to blend the two and I don't really know how to realistically do so. My experience as a lifestyle Domme is insignificant.


Thank you for clarifying that and reading your perspective helped me understand where you are coming from even more. Very interesting how our experiences shape our perceptions :-)

It might because I want to have a serious partner with a BDSM dynamic that I find a way to make it work. My mindset isn't hybrid, because as you say, if your dynamic enables you to alter any decision he might make, you are always in control. Giving him the leeway to make decisions for himself and the both of you isn't relinquishing control, it is leveraging and delegating.

As for acts, I have no desire to be in Top mode 24/7. As far as I'm concerned, acting the way I feel and playing on my terms and as per my desires is totally D/s dynamic.

- LA


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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to MistressRoux)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/8/2010 8:50:40 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

For example, if i'm in the middle of watching Monday Night Football, and She says "turn that off and go run my bath water, then prepare for my nightly massage", that can be pretty hot.  i enjoy the inner struggle during those vanilla moments of knowing that i have to obey Her, but i REALLY want to finish watching the game.  It is a constant reminder of my submission.  It is different from the intensity of a scene, but very erotic nonetheless.  It's just a different type of erotic.


Um, but you can always TeVo it, no? Maybe the Gorean are right in that technology takes away the natural balance of power ;-)

- LA

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(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/9/2010 7:12:27 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		What you describe is very much how our dynamic works... we often refer to it as me using my trump card in the relationship.  It happened not too long ago when she was settled in reading and I wanted something taken care of -- motorcycle related and I said, "would you put the bikes into the garage" ... and she said... "later, ok?" ... I said.. :boy ... and she laughing stamped her foot and said.. "mmm.. damn trump card" ... I enjoy those moments...


quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal

I would have to say yes. Some vanilla is inevitable if you are going to see each other on a regular basis. But the less there is of it, the better I like it. If things get too friendly, it can be hard to get that femdom energy really flowing again.



That's an interesting perspective.  i tend to see it the exact opposite way.  i find that the femdom energy is actually pretty high in those vanilla situations.  For example, if i'm in the middle of watching Monday Night Football, and She says "turn that off and go run my bath water, then prepare for my nightly massage", that can be pretty hot.  i enjoy the inner struggle during those vanilla moments of knowing that i have to obey Her, but i REALLY want to finish watching the game.  It is a constant reminder of my submission.  It is different from the intensity of a scene, but very erotic nonetheless.  It's just a different type of erotic.

Having that type of constant D/s interplay is far more rewarding than the more intense, but less frequent, dynamic found in a scene.



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(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/9/2010 9:19:04 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

Um, but you can always TeVo it, no? Maybe the Gorean are right in that technology takes away the natural balance of power ;-)



i hate to admit it, but i'm low tech.  No Tivo. 


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(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/9/2010 10:39:32 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRoux

Do any of you have a hybrid BDSM-vanilla relationship? This is a goal for me in the future. I don't really see that happening despite my desire for it. Vanilla relationships are so hard to begin with and the addition of the BDSM could possibly make it better or worse.

If you have or have had such a relationship, how do you strike the balance? Or is this even possible without relegating the Domme component to some sort of alter ego?
Like DarkSteven, I really cannot imagine any "relationship" having richness and depth without all those boring, mundane, vanilla aspects also. Honestly, the stuff of real life is made up of things like "paying the bills" and "doing the laundry". Adding BDSM into the mix does not, in my mind, make it either harder or easier. You either do or do not have the relationship skills to pull off a relationship.

Carol and I do not "strike a balance". I am her master... constantly and always... she is my slave. But that is just one thread of many woven into the rich tapesty of our marriage. She is also my wife, my lover, my best friend, my confidante, and a whole host of other things. All those things happen simultaneously. They do not conflict with each other. I treat my slave as if she were the wife and woman I love. I treat the woman I love as if she were my slave. Where's the conflict?

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 4/9/2010 10:43:54 AM >

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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(in reply to MistressRoux)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/9/2010 2:44:13 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Even if you start off micromanaging, after a time the sub will learn how you like everything done. At that point you no longer have to stand over them making sure you get exactly 1 1/2 teaspoons sugar in your coffee. And once you're at that stage, everything is just habit and thus apparently vanilla.

I do the cooking so apparently I have free range at meal times. But he can always interfere and say he wants to go out for pizza or wants to grill. At which point it's no big deal, I put the chicken fixings back and pull out burgers from the freezer.

He doesn't stand over me when I make a grocery list, but when I get to the ice cream aisle I know to buy something with chocolate and not a fruit ice cream. If I really get a hankering for Edy's Summer Peach Pie I just buy fudge ripple or Moose Tracks as well. He gets catered to but not in a way that precludes me getting my needs met.

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(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/10/2010 7:36:53 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

Um, but you can always TeVo it, no? Maybe the Gorean are right in that technology takes away the natural balance of power ;-)



i hate to admit it, but i'm low tech.  No Tivo. 



Oh my. Well then you're in a jam ;-)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/23/2010 10:09:27 AM   
MistressRoux


Posts: 118
Joined: 2/20/2010
Status: offline 		In regards to sex and life with someone I'd consider as a partner in the long-term, I like to view subs as "toys," not "slaves." My pleasure is multiplied when I know that the person pleasing Me is also 100% into it, not as some sort of compromise (do what She says or maybe She'll find someone else who will) but because they actually enjoy it or just get off so much from pleasing Me. I'm happier with someone who happens to like what I like.


I simply do not micromanage in My personal life. I'm only particular about a few things and prefer to do those things myself. I have to do some of this at work and it annoys Me to no end.


I think the trump card is more My style.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 5/18/2010 2:21:57 AM   
reckless64


Posts: 13
Joined: 5/17/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

The kind of relationship that works for me is one that is built on a solid vanilla foundation.  Inside the bedroom, it is mostly kink.  Outside the bedroom, it is vanillalike, but with me in subtle charge.

I honestly can't envision any other kind of D/s relationship working.



Hey Dark Steven it Sounds Kinda like people were talking about as the Do me sub... I just getting lost in all of this and will be posting a Topic soon Asking for advice on What roll fits me if im a sub dom or switch or bottom or top.... fuck I might just be twisted..... Well tomarrow when i finish getting everthing i want to say typed up i would love some advice from Everybody to guide me in the right direction So I may have a better chance of finding that person that is right for me and some on I am right for also.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 5/18/2010 6:44:05 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
The more versatile you are, the more likely you are to get along with your partner. IF you date guys (or subs) with experience -- you won't have to worry about comporting to extreme fantasies.

(in reply to MistressRoux)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 5/19/2010 11:13:36 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Absolutely, ours is a Hybrid BDSM/vanilla relationship. Life and life's demands for our time, money, resources and attention just keeps a constant stream of vanilla events and concerns at the forefront of our lives.

Balance is very difficult right now.

I sincerely believe that the imbalance is temporary. As things progress and projects move toward completion, if and when the economy begins a sluggish rebound - we, (meaning manthing and I), will have more time to devote to our BDSM passions.

I must have rebounding energy to integrate hard core BDSM sessions into our demanding schedule. Add the fact that manthing travels constantly for his job, and weeks can pass without our schedules aligning for quality vanilla "down time" together.

BDSM activities sometimes have to take a back burner until things work around again so that energy, time and resources are synergistic enough to offer us the opportunity to engage each other on the levels of BDSM interaction that we would otherwise want to enjoy on a daily basis.

Finding that balance is tough. It's frustrating as hell, too.

It comes down to both of us making the time, and planning well enough to exert the effort, to get it all done.

Most importantly, it also depends on both partners having the determination to ride out the rough patches until schedules can compliment one another again.

In the meantime, I never relegate My Domina persona to an alter ego. I have learned, instead, to find appreciation and fulfillment as a Domme in small ways, on a daily basis.

You might say TexasMaam is always lurking just beneath a glance, or a touch, or a word, (lolol or a bite or a yank or a pinch...), while manthing finds his own ways of making himself known to Me in service, support, caring or with a small flourish of some tender means of expression, even in the thick of the many vanilla demands of our vanilla world.

Great post.

TM

< Message edited by TexasMaam -- 5/19/2010 11:19:39 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 5/19/2010 11:38:01 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		I guess the use of the word hybrid is confusing to me and the attempt to distinguish between vanilla and bdsm as well as characterizing living your necessary life as popping in and out. In my mind, there is no distinction. One doesn't have to be bound and naked 24/7 to be practicing d/s. If in my mind and his I am always submissive to him regardless of what activity or chore is going on and he remains in control with the option to demonstrate that at any time he choses, isn't that d/s?



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I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to MistressRoux)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 5/19/2010 5:08:45 PM   
MichaelaBond


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/9/2010
Status: offline 		Fast Reply-
I'm basically going to reiterate what most everyone else has said on here. My previous relationships were mostly vanilla. I have a personal work ethic of, if something needs to get get done, and my boy isnt there, I'm going to do it. I'm not above getting my hands dirty and working along side instead of dictating. In public, people would just think that he was very attentive and had been brought up with excellent manners and deep respect for all women, not just me. Its too exhausting to have it be all Ds all the time.

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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 5/19/2010 9:13:52 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~
OP, i don't know if this would qualify as a hybrid BDSM/vanilla relationship or not. But with my Sir (that died) and i, it went like this. He allowed me my opinions & we could discuss things, but He had the last word ALWAYS. We didn't live together, but the entire time we were together we were "on." The obvious Domination/submission and kink went on in the bedroom, but He ALWAYS was in control and we both knew it, no matter where we were or what we were doing. (It IS possible to be D/s without being obvious around 'nillas.) We had love, companionship, common vanilla AND kink interests, AND the D/s aspect. It was everything D/s and vanilla all rolled up into one fantastic incredible bundle, and i can only hope and pray i find that again. i don't know if that's what You mean or not, but it sure worked for us!


~sweetsub~

< Message edited by sweetsub1957 -- 5/19/2010 9:17:22 PM >

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Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 5/20/2010 1:21:32 AM   
LadyOddsworth


Posts: 141
Joined: 1/2/2010
Status: offline 		It's what I eventually want.

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 5/24/2010 8:08:56 AM   
MistressRoux


Posts: 118
Joined: 2/20/2010
Status: offline 		I suppose that if I get the last word, it's not so much a hybrid. There are many times when I simply don't care enough to even ask about or give input on matters. Before I joined the site, I was quite confused on the whole balance of power in a REALationship because that aspect is relatively new to Me. When I look at profiles, I get the impression that some people are ON pretty much all the time. Perhaps it works for people. A slave can't also be a partner.

(in reply to LadyOddsworth)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 5/24/2010 11:39:26 PM   
AlexandraLynch


Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		I tend to work on the theory that our lives should be lived in such a way as to maximize the happiness of all in the relationship. Part of this involves having various people do what they are good at. I happen to be good at managing everyone, and so I do that, and the people in my life go with the management because it makes everyone happier, better fed, and enjoy a better standard of living in the process. This involves a lot of vanilla stuff, but that's life.

And there's no law against pinching his ass as he bends over to pick up the book the cat knocked off. (grin)


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Profile   Post #: 58
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