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lovingpet -> RE: I'm new to this (4/5/2010 8:27:20 PM)
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~FR~
Okay...Here goes:
The How To's of Living Kinkily AND Happily Ever After
Certainly this post is just a bare bones guideline and simply my own opinion. I do think, however, that taken for what it is, maybe it can be useful. Granted it is more of a listing for newer folks, but I can hope it is handy anyway.
1. Discovering you are kinky does NOT mean you now have to forfeit common sense. The good sense that has gotten someone through life will do them great service now, probably even more so. No one has waived the requirement of life to be responsible and self controlled. Let that little voice within be heard loud and clear and LISTEN.
2. Who you are hasn't changed. What you enjoy and how you express who you are might. Yes, compatibilty still matters and trying to change or changing for someone else those core things that make you you typically does not end well. Discerning these core trait from those things that are simply painful to address or preferences is difficult. Learn yourself well. It may just help when it comes time to try to decide if someone else is right for you.
3. Happiness is a state of being not a result of a situation. Happiness and joy bubble from within. It draws those who also have this deep reserve within. No one can make you happy if you haven't found your own peace and joy. No one can go merrily with a smile on their face all the time, but learning to draw on inner strength will help in troubled times. No one can make you happy. No one can take your joy away either. Some people are healthier for you than others. Find the ones who enlarge your own sense of strength, peace, and happiness. If you haven't found these things within yourself find them first. As has been said many times, you will attract what you are not what you want. If you want a happy, healthy partner, then be one.
4. Trust is a process even if given freely from the start. Each time that trust is rewarded, it grows stronger. Deep trust today is superficial tomorrow. Stepping out on the ledge and risking is scary every single time and no, there is no guarantee that it will go the way you hope. Trust and risk go hand in hand, however, so take a chance now and then.
5. Mistakes happen. Sadly, when any of us decided we were kinky we didn't cease to be human. Slips and trips, struggles with issues, and ghosts from the past are not reasons to doubt and lose faith in each other. It is quiet reassurance of each others' humanity. Love and trust much, forgive abundantly, and keep grudges short. Repeated and flagrant breeches are different. Learn that difference.
6. Real life still goes on. Let's face it, life and its demands aren't going to stop because any of us decide that endless play would be a much better use of our time. The socks and underwear still need a washing. Obligations still stand. And all those pesky bills will still both be made and have to be paid. Be sure to factor in the real life consequences at every turn because they will matter whether we want them to or not. How much does it cost and what must be provided to keep a slave in a cage indefinitely, for example? And for the slave, are you really ready to say good bye to every family member and friend you have ever known? Every day concerns are legitimate and deserve to be considered as such. Choose someone with similiar needs when it comes to such things as privacy, family and friends awareness, workplace requirements, or at least someone who can respect these things. Oh and let's not forget that there is plenty of fun to be had besides all the kinky goodness that has center stage at the moment. If those recreational activities don't overlap some, you may well be very bored in due time.
7. There may not be an emergency, but there certainly are less than pleasant things that can be planned for in advance. First aid and cpr are valuable tools for anyone to have. Know of any and all conditions or history that may impact your relationship as a whole or specific play one is considering. Know contact information for your partner in case a need arises. Have a plan for various situations. Make sure provisions are in place for those things a submissive has not been permitted to provide for him/herself. Submissives, know where and how to use vital documents should the time come they are needed. Let each other know what your wishes are in situations where you will not be able to speak for yourself. This does not just include life or death, but any time communication will be limited for whatever reason.
8. Basic definitions aren't so basic. Don't believe me? Look at the many threads on here that debate the very definition of many of the terms we use regularly. When talking with someone, whether to form a partnership or just to engage in conversation, know what your own personal definition of the terms involved are and know those of the other person. It may be quite an eye opener to discover what vastly different concepts one may be talking about. This is all part of getting to know someone. This is especially important when considering a relationship with someone. So do you really want/want to offer a collar? I guess that depends on what a collar is to each of you and so much more.
9. So, you're kinky and you know it, but who ELSE do you want to know it? This may take a lot of consideration and thought. It may take even more to carry it out. If privacy is a HUGE issue, be prepared to not only have adequate ways of stowing the unmentionables, but also ready explanations for WHEN you lapse. There is nothing worse than stuttering and stammering for an excuse as someone is standing there blasting fifty questions about the latest strange thing they have found laying around. If you plan to be more open, does that include EVERYBODY? If not, then who and how will you ensure they remain unaware? If um's are involved when and to what extent do you want them to know? How will you ensure this as well? Plan to be out and proud? Are you prepared to accept ALL the consequences, good and bad? How will you mitigate them?
10. HAVE FUN!!!!!!! For goodness sakes, that's what this was supposed to be about on some level wasn't it???? Didn't it look like.... FUN????? Then for crying out loud, quit being all serious, scared, and uptight and go for it!!!!!
lovingpet
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