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Advice - 4/6/2010 1:48:25 AM   
Tiegaguinrubber


Posts: 6
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: offline 		I am looking for some advice to where to go now with my wife?
She knows of my kinks, desires well mostly and she is also letting me dominate her and get more and more into bondage. She allows me to tie her, gag her, restrain her etc and i know that she often reads BDSM stories on Literotica, but we have been together for so long and we can more or less talk to each other about everything else but our fantasies or interests in bondage.
I know we need to talk more about it, but when i ask her what she likes, all i get is i don't know etc and really deep down with her reading about bdsm on Literotica i'm sure she has some ideas.
I recently brought a hogtie, which has been used a few times and she enjoys it, as i've never known her cum so hard in our relationship.
I suppose deep down that i need to sit her down and ask her what she wants, but its so awkward. 
Anyone got any idea's, advice i can use???
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 3:01:56 AM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline 		Time and patience. It could be she's not fully comfortable enough to express to you exactly what she wants/needs. Often it's a case where they aren't quite sure themselves and need time to answer in a manner which makes sense not only to her but to you.

_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to Tiegaguinrubber)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 3:14:48 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i might be veeeeerrry wrong, but i think she might just be needing you to take the lead.

she's happy with what you ve done so far, she reads the literature on it and yet shes going all shy about talking about this.  i believe it is that kinda wierd feeling that youre not really supposed to enjoy this or want it and youve said youreself, you can talk about anything but this.

so, um, maybe stop talking and just do little bits of this and that and slowly build.  if she hates something then you know, if she loves something then you know.

youve already been given the 'all clear' so far - be the Dominant and lead.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Wolf2Bear)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 3:25:04 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		As the one in charge, I've always felt one of the better qualities in a dom/me is to be observant.

Ideally, you should be able to discuss these things as the preferred methodology. But if she's not so forthcoming in spoken words yet doesn't mind trying the different kinks etc, then I'd suggest "plan B" is to pay closer attention to her body language as to what she likes and doesn't.

Once you pick up a few clues from your observations, it should make the discussion part less awkward. For you, anyway - if you 'hit a home run', you might get a tell-tale blush out of her to at least confirm you're moving the right way....

Above all, *you* are the Dom. If she's not gonna help verbally when you're relaxing informally, then focus more on what *you* want during a scene. Maybe it really is that simple; that she's not so forthcoming because she's quite happy to follow your lead - as a sub should....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Wolf2Bear)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 5:20:14 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		Maybe it's the face to face chat thing that's the problem.

I know from my own experience that I find it quite embarrassing and intimidating to tell a Dom/partner what I would like to do sexually. But I can write reams and reams of pretty detailed stuff with very little problem.

Maybe get her to write down the things she's enjoyed so far, some things she's seen on literotica and quite fancied, and then use your Domly powers to put them into effect?

Good luck!

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to Tiegaguinrubber)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 5:33:09 AM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

i might be veeeeerrry wrong, but i think she might just be needing you to take the lead.

she's happy with what you ve done so far, she reads the literature on it and yet shes going all shy about talking about this.  i believe it is that kinda wierd feeling that youre not really supposed to enjoy this or want it and youve said youreself, you can talk about anything but this.

so, um, maybe stop talking and just do little bits of this and that and slowly build.  if she hates something then you know, if she loves something then you know.

youve already been given the 'all clear' so far - be the Dominant and lead.


MTE

I'd never get anywhere if a guy asked me what sorta kinky stuff I wanted to do, and I agree with the other poster who said not to ask face to face, I wouldn't say that stuff out loud either.

Either she genuinely doesn't know or she really does not want to verbalize this stuff (which is totally normal) so you might want to try introducing some stuff, light bondage etc, and also instead of just saying "what do you want to do" ask specific questions like "do you want to do xyz" which is really good if you're doing something like humiliation or calling her a slut, and also read body language, because a shrugged "maybe" can mean either yes or no depending on body language.

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 5:35:23 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Well, you can each fill out one of those BDSM list thingies separately and then exchange them and talk about what you guys both marked as definitely intersted in. Then move on to some of the other stuff.

Or maybe you should both print out stories you enjoy on Lit. and read them together and start talking about why the stories interest you each.


angel

_____________________________


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R.W. Emerson


(in reply to myotherself)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 5:35:40 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I agree with the last few posts. I have a hard time verbalising things as well but I enjoy writing scenes or fantasies.

Since she's reading erotica... Why not give her a highliter and ask her to highlite things that appeal to her?

< Message edited by jbcurious -- 4/6/2010 5:40:48 AM >

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I have an explosive personality...


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Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 6:26:18 AM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		My experience is there are things that when we are supposed to talk about them I lose the ability to form words... It has nothing to do with a lack of trust in Him, lack of confidence in Him or myself, or any of that other stuff.... I just have not gotten accustomed to talking about this stuff yet. How we've resolved this is I email it to Him... It's safe for me, and then we process whatever it is we need to talk about...Or He just does whatever it is He has learned I might enjoy...
Good luck,
Kali


_____________________________

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~~Sweedish Proverb


(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 6:43:47 AM   
ricken


Posts: 261
Joined: 1/11/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tiegaguinrubber

.....I know we need to talk more about it, but when i ask her what she likes, all i get is i don't know etc and really deep down with her reading about bdsm on Literotica i'm sure she has some ideas.
I recently brought a hogtie, which has been used a few times and she enjoys it, as i've never known her cum so hard in our relationship..... 
Anyone got any idea's, advice i can use???





All the above advice is great, watch her closely, pay attention to her moves. one thing that works for me, is instead of asking what she likes, I ask what DIDN'T she like.  I can get an answer to that. I communicate different than her and sometimes I need to HEAR things. I had to learn how and WHEN to communicate in the way I need.
In the start she told me what she liked, but even then some of it was cryptic.
As lally said, she has given you the "all clear" go with it, take the lead and pay attention to her body language




(in reply to Tiegaguinrubber)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 7:14:23 AM   
Tiegaguinrubber


Posts: 6
Joined: 4/3/2008
Status: offline 		thanks all for the advice it really is appreciated and i am now glad that i asked you guys.

I too am keen to write things down etc and i find that i can talk to her her much more openly through text, msn, other means rather than face to face (that is about our sexual needs). I think that i am very lucky to have such a wonderful wife and she is already open to some of my kinks, i mean things done started with me tieing her up, blindfolding her etc, which then progressed to me just buys a gag and showing it her, which she was in a fit of giggle's about, but hey she let me put it on her and seemed to enjoy it. I then brought some cheap arm/wrist restraints you know the ones with the attached cord.
Recently i brought a proper hogtie set which again made her laugh, but doesnt when shes in it along with gag and blindfold too!
We had a really good session the other night where i used the hogtie restraints around her wrists and attached them above her which we both enjoyed very much. She even commented we need to do it more often. Other comments recently include her being my bitch (which i was shocked about) and also the type of porn i show her are better than the ones that can be got on the usual dvd rental outfits!! I suppose what i think i want next is to show her off, i'd love for her to join here with me, but i really don't hink she would, maybe i would be wrong. Ultimatly i'd love to get her in latex!!!!

I think we now need to exchange our kinks and find out what she likes/doesn't properly, she's come a long way and i'm very lucky. I just don't want to upset her or scare her off in my interests.

(in reply to ricken)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 9:37:31 AM   
ricken


Posts: 261
Joined: 1/11/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tiegaguinrubber

..... which then progressed to me just buys a gag and showing it her, which she was in a fit of giggle's about, but hey she let me put it on her and seemed to enjoy it....
Recently i brought a proper hogtie set which again made her laugh, but doesnt when shes in it along with gag and blindfold too!



Well it seems to me that if she giggles it's good....

When I introduced something new she likes, I get " oh my god what am i getting into?"

it's all about learning  to listen

(in reply to Tiegaguinrubber)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 10:35:53 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		Email her.

Writing it out, she can take her time. She can let it sit for a while and come back to it. She can express thoughts that she apparently hasn't been able to express while face to face with you. It might be a lot easier for her to express her deepest needs/desires/ fears/ hopes etc. that way. 

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to Tiegaguinrubber)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 11:25:57 AM   
DarlingSavage


Posts: 2808
Joined: 9/18/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tiegaguinrubber

I am looking for some advice to where to go now with my wife?
She knows of my kinks, desires well mostly and she is also letting me dominate her and get more and more into bondage. She allows me to tie her, gag her, restrain her etc and i know that she often reads BDSM stories on Literotica, but we have been together for so long and we can more or less talk to each other about everything else but our fantasies or interests in bondage.
I know we need to talk more about it, but when i ask her what she likes, all i get is i don't know etc and really deep down with her reading about bdsm on Literotica i'm sure she has some ideas.
I recently brought a hogtie, which has been used a few times and she enjoys it, as i've never known her cum so hard in our relationship.
I suppose deep down that i need to sit her down and ask her what she wants, but its so awkward. 
Anyone got any idea's, advice i can use???



FR

She probably feels shy and maybe even ashamed her desires. I would suggest that you just be very patient and understanding and really reassure her that there is nothing she can say that will make you think anything bad of her.

_____________________________

<-- Easily amused.
<-- Easily impressed.

Strangers have the BEST candy!

Puppy dogs are my favorite people!


(in reply to Tiegaguinrubber)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 12:43:48 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

i might be veeeeerrry wrong, but i think she might just be needing you to take the lead.

she's happy with what you ve done so far, she reads the literature on it and yet shes going all shy about talking about this.  i believe it is that kinda wierd feeling that youre not really supposed to enjoy this or want it and youve said youreself, you can talk about anything but this.

so, um, maybe stop talking and just do little bits of this and that and slowly build.  if she hates something then you know, if she loves something then you know.

youve already been given the 'all clear' so far - be the Dominant and lead.


Spot on lally.  That was going to be my advice.  "Your the Leader. Lead!

BadOne


_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Advice - 4/6/2010 10:14:33 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Just do what you want.  Period.  She can have a safeword, but aside from that, it's your show.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Advice - 4/7/2010 6:51:23 AM   
PrimalConsonance


Posts: 463
Joined: 7/11/2009
From: Southern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tiegaguinrubber

I am looking for some advice to where to go now with my wife?
She knows of my kinks, desires well mostly and she is also letting me dominate her and get more and more into bondage. She allows me to tie her, gag her, restrain her etc and i know that she often reads BDSM stories on Literotica, but we have been together for so long and we can more or less talk to each other about everything else but our fantasies or interests in bondage.
I know we need to talk more about it, but when i ask her what she likes, all i get is i don't know etc and really deep down with her reading about bdsm on Literotica i'm sure she has some ideas.
I recently brought a hogtie, which has been used a few times and she enjoys it, as i've never known her cum so hard in our relationship.
I suppose deep down that i need to sit her down and ask her what she wants, but its so awkward. 
Anyone got any idea's, advice i can use???



Perhaps you could sit down with her and share a little Literotica-time together.  Let her surf the stories and pay attention with questions that are not too forward; but still informative.  Soon you will be discussing BDSM, fantasy, and what you both might like to try (or not try), which is a good start to communicating.  This is what you need of course:  more open intimate conversation, since you both share an interest in BDSM already...it's just the details you are looking for to enhance the experience for you both. 

Also welcome to the boards!


_____________________________

AKA: CNJDom (types in black) and roselaure (types in Red)


Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss


(in reply to Tiegaguinrubber)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Advice - 4/7/2010 1:43:11 PM   
bdsmnewbie10


Posts: 29
Joined: 3/10/2010
Status: offline 		Being a Newbie, maybe I shouldn't be giving advice, but here's my two cents.
Being new, I also wasn't sure of what I wanted or how far I might go. So being that I have alot of trust and respect for my Dom, I told him to try whatever, unless it was something that was an positive -absolute on the submissive checklist he gave me to look at. And then with our safe words, I would relate, where we went from there. There have been things that I have put a Red light on, but there are far more things that I've gone Yellow to Green.. and now has become part of our routine. And , we have now taken that checklist out after 6 months and re-evaluated possibilities.

Good Luck

< Message edited by bdsmnewbie10 -- 4/7/2010 1:44:23 PM >

(in reply to PrimalConsonance)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Advice - 4/7/2010 1:51:05 PM   
DCWoody


Posts: 1401
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline 		What lally said.
'My wife found out about my kinky interests, turns out she's really into bondage and we're doing it more and more'....doesn't sound like a problem to me :)
Be gentle to begin with when doing something different, so if she turns out to really hate it it's not going to be horrible for her....but other than that, just go for it. Good luck, have fun

(in reply to bdsmnewbie10)
Profile   Post #: 19
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