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What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 10:36:32 AM   
J1138


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/10/2010
Status: offline 		My first D/s relationship (online mostly) just ended.  I never knew something like that could truly happen in real life.  Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to pursue it as a purely online thing or try to find a slave in real life.  But I recognize that I'm a total newb, so I need lots of advice!

Thanks to all who are willing to help!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 10:40:57 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

What advice would you give to a new dom?


Don't consider yourself, or try to be, a 'dom' until you have the confidence in yourself not to seek advice from disconnected characters posting to a 'BDSM' lifestyle and advice site.

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 4/11/2010 10:42:52 AM >

(in reply to J1138)
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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 10:47:15 AM   
J1138


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/10/2010
Status: offline 		I was unaware that confident people let others decide who they should and shouldn't seek advice from.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 10:54:31 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: J1138

I was unaware that confident people let others decide who they should and shouldn't seek advice from.


Well, if you believe you can really fly an 767, or even a Piper Cub, because you have reached the final level of your 'Flight Simulator' program - go right ahead - ask away...

(in reply to J1138)
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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 11:01:23 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		For real, J?  You're starting an argument with some random guy on the internet?

How can you know whether any of this "advice" is delivered by people who know what they're talking about.  I chose to call myself a "Horny Net Geek" for exactly that reason.  Who the fuck am I?  A guy posted a couple months back that I'm one of the best doms around, or some such shit, and I decided to put the link in my journal because it might help me score a couple more chicks -- but when you get right down to it, that post could be from a sock puppet profile, or a friend of mine who owes me twenty bucks.  None of us has any credentials.  Not really.

So here's my advice.

1. Read nonfiction books about kink.
2. Volunteer at BDSM events, and attend as many demonstrations/classes as you can.
3. Stop picking fights on the internet.  It makes you look weak.

Also, you might want to read this:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_2099303/mpage_1/tm.htm


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to J1138)
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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 11:09:56 AM   
J1138


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/10/2010
Status: offline
quote:

3. Stop picking fights on the internet.  It makes you look weak.


But...but...someone is rong on teh internetz!!! This aggression shall not stand, man! :-P

Seriously, though, thanks for the advice!

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 11:24:05 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: J1138
My first D/s relationship (online mostly) just ended.  I never knew something like that could truly happen in real life.  Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to pursue it as a purely online thing or try to find a slave in real life.  But I recognize that I'm a total newb, so I need lots of advice!
Well, much as I generally respect Merc, I'm going to have to disagree. Yup, I ran into all this weird crap online first. Most of what I learned online (Secondlife specifically) was utter drivel. But there were a very, very few real life doms and subs there who gave me some decent information. Then I came to places like this site and asked a lot more questions... most of them utterly stupid. And during that time, in between licking the wounds on my bruised ego, I managed to pick up a lot more useful info. So, some advice then.

  • If by online you mean chat rooms and virtual worlds, then be very, very sure who you're getting your information from. The vast majority of people in these places CLAIM to have actual experience. The vast majority do not have such experience as is easily discernible by the idiocy of things they say.
  • If someone tells you something that doesn't seem reasonable, then it isn't reasonable. D/s relationship are, first and foremost, relationships. So statements like "It's all about the dom and the sub exists only to serve the dom" fail the sanity test. REAL relationships are bi-directional and mutually fulfilling. And in case this isn't obvious, it takes more to fulfill a human than either dominating or submitting -- despite what a plethora of online "slaves" will tell you.
  • Realize that authority and responsibility go hand in hand. No SANE sub is going to cede authority to an irresponsible individual. The more authority you seek, the more responsibility you'd better be willing and able to shoulder.
  • If you're continuing to learn online, then keep online separate from real life. Honestly, you don't know enough about a person you've ever met to be responsible handling all but the tiniest fraction of their real life -- and it's a slippery slope. I personally like SecondLife for this stuff. It is a virtual world, not simply chat rooms and that allows for a wide span of interaction. It has a thriving BDSM community. Just remember that at the end of the day, these are real people you're engaged with and they can get really hurt. If you don't have the discipline to stay away from issuing commands that are almost guaranteed to go poorly (real life commands), then you don't have the discipline to be a real life dom either.
  • Be clear on what it is that you want. From your profile, you are looking for a sexual submissive. That is to say, some kinky bedroom play. "Sex slave" is just a different way to say sexual submissive and out here in the real world, both are generally called "bottoms". This is very different from what you read on these boards which is largely lifestyle D/s or M/s. In these cases, the authority dynamic extends outside the bedroom. (see my 3rd point above about the responsibility that accrues to such a role and ask yourself honestly if you think you can handle it). Understand that there is a WORLD of difference between topping/bottoming (bedroom play) and lifestyle D/s and from there to lifestyle M/s. Figure out what those differences are.
  • In general, places like this site are inappropriate for discussing or seeking online relationships and you'll get a lot of really snarky responses when you talk about them. These sites tend to be filled with people seeking real life relationships.
  • Did I mention that 99% of what you "learn" online is drivel? It's up to you to separate the wheat from the chaff. If you don't have enough common sense to figure out what's idiocy and what's not, then you won't ever make a decent real life dom.
  • Put right out of your head "trying to find a slave in real life". You've got a LONG, LONG way to go before you're ready for that. I suspect though based on your profile that's mostly just poor wording on your part.

There, I hope some of that helps.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to J1138)
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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 11:39:24 AM   
Frankseas


Posts: 61
Joined: 1/16/2010
Status: offline 		Hmmm first try learning to be a Dom first okay? As handling a slave and keeping them happy is more up to a Master and even they have a rough time of it!?

Most important of all is to keep your whips well oiled as the snap is much better sounding then!

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 11:40:19 AM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: J1138

My first D/s relationship (online mostly) just ended.  I never knew something like that could truly happen in real life.  Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to pursue it as a purely online thing or try to find a slave in real life.  But I recognize that I'm a total newb, so I need lots of advice!

Thanks to all who are willing to help!


I personally say figure it out for yourself otherwise ask your questions and take what you want from those who post it and leave the stuff you don't like behind..That's what everyone else does.

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

(in reply to J1138)
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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 11:42:22 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		1. Read nonfiction books about kink.
2. Volunteer at BDSM events, and attend as many demonstrations/classes as you can.

That would be My advice, too. 

The thing about the net is that it's not exactly easy at first to know who is giving you good advice because they are living it or just what they are typing up in theory because they think that's how it should be.  See what works with your own eyes rather than what you see typed up on the screen.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 11:56:14 AM   
J1138


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/10/2010
Status: offline 		Thank you, Jeff.  That does really help. 
-
The first relationship I mentioned above was not a lark, and not something I was looking for.  We fell in love long before she revealed that she was interested in being controlled, both in the bedroom and out (I knew she was submissive, but I didn't know the extent of it).  I didn't control her as extensively outside the bedroom as I did inside, but I did know how to make sure she ate, drank, slept, etc. in accord with my values.  I listened to her when she told me that things I wanted she wasn't ready for, and I loved her enough to fulfill her emotional needs even when it was inconvenient.  All of this happened online for the vast majority of it, but we did meet in the end.  We almost ended up together for life, and the reason we didn't wasn't related to any deficiency in our control issue.

< Message edited by J1138 -- 4/11/2010 12:02:42 PM >

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 12:13:17 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: J1138
The first relationship I mentioned above was not a lark, and not something I was looking for.  We fell in love long before she revealed that she was interested in being controlled, both in the bedroom and out (I knew she was submissive, but I didn't know the extent of it).  I didn't control her as extensively outside the bedroom as I did inside, but I did know how to make sure she ate, drank, slept, etc. in accord with my values.  I listened to her when she told me that things I wanted she wasn't ready for, and I loved her enough to fulfill her emotional needs even when it was inconvenient.  All of this happened online for the vast majority of it, but we did meet in the end.  We almost ended up together for life, and the reason we didn't wasn't related to any deficiency in our control issue.
I didn't mean to imply I thought it was a "lark". I only went by what you wrote in your profile here on collarme about what you are seeking.

Insofar as the part I bolded above, I have some pretty firm opinions about such control exercised remotely. Those opinions are mine and mine alone but fundamentally it is my belief that such control is inherently irresponsible and can never be made to be responsible. I have an online "slave" also and I do not extend my dominance of her into the real world except in very, very carefully chosen situations and always with a great deal of trepidation. There are just SOOO many ways (and not obvious ones) that this can go wrong. Keep in mind that I know for a fact my own intentions with my own online slave, yet I still mistrust my ability to issue such commands responsibly. Your mileage may vary.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to J1138)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 12:21:17 PM   
J1138


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/10/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: J1138
The first relationship I mentioned above was not a lark, and not something I was looking for.  We fell in love long before she revealed that she was interested in being controlled, both in the bedroom and out (I knew she was submissive, but I didn't know the extent of it).  I didn't control her as extensively outside the bedroom as I did inside, but I did know how to make sure she ate, drank, slept, etc. in accord with my values.  I listened to her when she told me that things I wanted she wasn't ready for, and I loved her enough to fulfill her emotional needs even when it was inconvenient.  All of this happened online for the vast majority of it, but we did meet in the end.  We almost ended up together for life, and the reason we didn't wasn't related to any deficiency in our control issue.
I didn't mean to imply I thought it was a "lark". I only went by what you wrote in your profile here on collarme about what you are seeking.

Insofar as the part I bolded above, I have some pretty firm opinions about such control exercised remotely. Those opinions are mine and mine alone but fundamentally it is my belief that such control is inherently irresponsible and can never be made to be responsible. I have an online "slave" also and I do not extend my dominance of her into the real world except in very, very carefully chosen situations and always with a great deal of trepidation. There are just SOOO many ways (and not obvious ones) that this can go wrong. Keep in mind that I know for a fact my own intentions with my own online slave, yet I still mistrust my ability to issue such commands responsibly. Your mileage may vary.


That's a really good point.  The biggest thing I did in the non-bedroom area was to stop her from becoming a smoker. 


(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 3:58:37 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: J1138

My first D/s relationship (online mostly) just ended.  I never knew something like that could truly happen in real life.  Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to pursue it as a purely online thing or try to find a slave in real life.  But I recognize that I'm a total newb, so I need lots of advice!

Thanks to all who are willing to help!


"Control" (of self as well as a submissive) is one of the better traits of any self-respecting Dominant - and you're crashing and burning quite spectacularly in this thread.

I recommend internet "dominance" for you. Besides, for anyone who actually thinks "internet only" is a practical alternative means of living their life; they belong there.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 4:12:56 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: J1138

Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to pursue it as a purely online thing or try to find a slave in real life. 



i don't mean to sound disrespectful, because i am truly saying this in an attempt to help.  But why would anyone who was just discovering BDSM choose to do it purely as an on-line thing?  That's like saying, "i just reached puberty, and i now want to date girls.  But i'm trying to decide if i want to date them in real life, or just on-line". 

If there is something that prevents you from doing it in real life, then that is another story.  But if there isn't any such obstacle, why wouldn't you want to find a REAL D/s partner that you can interact with on a regular basis?  Do you just enjoy masturbation?

Log off of the computer and go to a local munch.  You can thank me later. 


_____________________________

"The thing about smart mother fuckers is that sometimes, they sound like crazy mother fuckers to stupid mother fuckers".
-Robert Kirkman, The Walking Dead

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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 6:39:53 PM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		Find a local group and meet people.


Oh and don't get all whiney if some of the replies aren't quite what your looking for. It really doesn't help things.


_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 8:53:54 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Do neither. Meet a compatable woman who is also interested and learn and explore together.

In the meantime, read all the nonfiction books, take workshops and learn skills. It's hard to do much damage from a spanking but cuttings, fireplay, needles, suspension etc are dangerous. Besides the more workshops you take, you'll get a reputation in your local community as a safe player. And that means you'll get opportunities to play with people which means you will no longer be totally without experience.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/11/2010 9:22:15 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: J1138

My first D/s relationship (online mostly) just ended.  I never knew something like that could truly happen in real life.  Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to pursue it as a purely online thing or try to find a slave in real life.  But I recognize that I'm a total newb, so I need lots of advice!

Thanks to all who are willing to help!



there is no decision, on line relationships are only as a last result. If you are truly serious, make it real. Rework your profile, and lose the remark about sex. My suggestion would be to post in the welcome forum and ask for suggestions on how to write a profile, post and read the forums to get a sense of this lifestyle, be respectful when you post, even when others are not. There is no right or wrong way, it boils down to what works for the people involved.Go to events and seminars and learn how to play safely. Go to munches that are local to you. Considering your age, you may consider getting involved with TNG. Let people see you. I am sure there are books that may benefit you.


_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to J1138)
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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/12/2010 4:46:09 AM   
PrimalConsonance


Posts: 463
Joined: 7/11/2009
From: Southern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: J1138

My first D/s relationship (online mostly) just ended.  I never knew something like that could truly happen in real life.  Right now I'm trying to decide if I want to pursue it as a purely online thing or try to find a slave in real life.  But I recognize that I'm a total newb, so I need lots of advice!

Thanks to all who are willing to help!



Welcome to the boards and I think you should get a taste of the real thing since you've had a bit of online, to see if you really like it.  There are a few good places around in Illinois depending on where you are, and I know that there are some places for some that would make going to a club a weekend event from the 100-miles of traveling to get there.  Take a look online and see where the closest munch or play-space is, and try getting involved.  You've probably done some reading online and/or books, and if not that is a good way to get things going mind-wise.  Go there and just observe without expectations of actually playing the first time, since you don't know anyone well enough to go into some play (unless you are very lucky)...this will give you a good idea of what real is on a public level and somewhat what private play is like (sans sex-play for those of us that are into that sort of thing...nudge, nudge, wink, wink...). 

If you like it, then pursue that!  If you really don't feel comfortable seeking it out or actively participating on that level, then you already have your answer:  Keep it online until otherwise, if and when you feel you need more.  Either way, you are practicing your interests and kink.  Both can be rewarding, but only one will tickle your fancy and make the sparks fly for you at one point most assuredly...Good luck!


_____________________________

AKA: CNJDom (types in black) and roselaure (types in Red)


Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss


(in reply to J1138)
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RE: What advice would you give to a new dom? - 4/12/2010 6:58:09 AM   
RuffneckandHis


Posts: 15
Joined: 3/15/2010
Status: offline 		Please do your research first, read a lot, go to play parties or any local bdsm gathering and observe, then continue to educate yourself. The more you learn the more confidence you will begin to have and once you are ready then you are able to call yourself a dom and begin your search for your slave.
 
Just my advice

_____________________________

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."
— Friedrich Nietzsche

(in reply to PrimalConsonance)
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