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1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 6:12:44 AM

she100

Posts: 11
Joined: 4/14/2010
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Not sure i'll get a response but in need to talk even if its just to myself :s

I have been with my Dom about 8 months now and i'm depressed... He has and is doing everything in His power to help me out, and believe me He has had His work cut out. I am a very complex submissive!

I want and need total control and direction but the problem is He loves me and respects everything I say so I get much more say than I actually need and this is confusing me like mad!

I am depressed for other reasons in my life ( family and living situation )

I want to be loved but I want to fear my Master also, sounds crazy maybe, but I know I can literally get away with anything, and though He does punish me at allotted play times I know this is just play and that He would never really hurt me, leave me, or really stand up to me.

Maybe He is just too nice and maybe I am just a bitch that doesn't really know what she wants?!

He feels passion and excitement for me but I do not feel these emotions for Him. I feel loved, protected yet totally uninspired, I care about Him deeply but I am depressed.

I am new to this, He is my 1st Dom and is experienced. We are on a break, I have to decide what I want but I am useless at making decisions.
I don't want to lose Him but He deserves better.

I feel like I am giving and He is taking - and though that is the D/s dynamic I don't feel I am receiving the Dominance that I need to keep me sane and balanced.

He is so good for me, so why am i so depressed?

Thank You for reading

Post #: 1

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 6:14:05 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
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You might want to talk to a professional.

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Post #: 2

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 6:17:05 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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I agree with missy.

Whatever is going on here is a lot more than the folks here can help with.

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to she100)

Post #: 3

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 6:19:00 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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It does sound like depression to me.

First step should be to get a checkup and see of there's an underlying physical issue to your depression. Failing that, see a counselor.

I'm reading a LOT more into this than I should be, but I see glimmers of an abused past and an uncomfortableness with someone who controls you but not in an abusive way.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 4

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 6:22:09 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

This is not a D/s issue.

If you were having a heart attack, would you expect him to heal you? Liver failure? Would you rely on him to "fix" you if you were a raging diabetic? These issues are all due to organ failure and i believe neither your Dom nor you would attempt to heal an organ.

So...why are you relying on him, and slamming yourself, because another organ...the brain...is causing you distress? The brain is a chemical and neurological masterpiece and sometimes things go haywire.

Please...get to a doctor ASAP. You need a professional evaluation before the healing can begin.

Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

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Post #: 5

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 6:27:22 AM

she100

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Joined: 4/14/2010
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Ok i have been to the doctors this morning to get anti depressants as I promised my Dom I would, I'm not suicidal btw just confused and uninspired.

Abused past for sure. I need control and direction but don't feel I am getting this, I feel that I have too much control in my life and I am no good at directing myself ( though great at helping others)

Thank You for answers and love :)

(in reply to she100)

Post #: 6

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 6:31:16 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
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quote:

ORIGINAL: she100

Ok i have been to the doctors this morning to get anti depressants as I promised my Dom I would, I'm not suicidal btw just confused and uninspired.

Abused past for sure. I need control and direction but don't feel I am getting this, I feel that I have too much control in my life and I am no good at directing myself ( though great at helping others)

Thank You for answers and love :)

the antidepressants do take a bit of time to kick in (generally a week or two).
I strongly suggest you seek therapy as well as taking the antidepressant.
Lastly....your number one priority has to be getting healthy. Your Dom sounds like he is supportive in this.

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to she100)

Post #: 7

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 6:37:12 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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Oh... and have your thyroid checked for hypothyroidism. It often FEELS like depression.... (getting that diagnosis cleared up a lot of my "depression")

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to sirsholly)

Post #: 8

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 7:07:45 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

I agree with missy.

Whatever is going on here is a lot more than the folks here can help with.

I'll 3rd that opinion.

I want and need total control and direction but the problem is He loves me and respects everything I say so I get much more say than I actually need and this is confusing me like mad!
And specifically to this point, you've got a lot of tangled wires there. I personally would not want to be in a life long relationship with someone I did not respect. No surprise then that I respect Carol a great deal. And when someone I respect has a thought, it matters to me and I naturally assume it's at least partly right... that is, after all, what respect really means. Now, if someone other than me has a thought and it's better than mine or can improve mine in some way, it is not "being submissive" to adopt that thought... it's being smart. Only weak egos and fools hold onto their own idea/direction/plan just because it was THEIR thought.

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 4/14/2010 7:11:53 AM >

_____________________________

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 9

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 7:21:21 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

It's good you're seeking therapy that is appropriate for your condition. If i may, as a yoga therapist who works with people with mood disorders, i also highly suggest any forms of meditative yoga (kundalini is wonderful, or anusara) - it greatly helps with balancing the body and focusing the mind, so that you can begin to think more clearly as you focus on your recovery.

Once you see your way clear of the depression (which can take a lot of time, be gentle with yourself), i suggest you begin to evaluate your needs and wants as a submissive. It is possible you may need someone more Dominant and controlling - and then you will need to evaluate your current relationship vs. those needs.

There was a day when my ex Master told me years ago that i needed someone more controlling than him. i didn't want to believe him, i said "No, you're exactly what i need!" Turns out he was right. But it has only been after time and yoga and self-exploration that i've been able to identify exactly who and what i am, and what i need, and am now happy and at peace as i slowly find the best place for me to get my needs met.

Move gently and take advantage of the loving and supportive framework that you have. This can be a powerful time in your life of transformation if you simply feel what you need to feel, move through the feelings, and be present with yourself - and you'll be able to figure out what you need.

Good luck to you.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to she100)

Post #: 10

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 7:36:44 AM

she100

Posts: 11
Joined: 4/14/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven

It's good you're seeking therapy that is appropriate for your condition. If i may, as a yoga therapist who works with people with mood disorders, i also highly suggest any forms of meditative yoga (kundalini is wonderful, or anusara) - it greatly helps with balancing the body and focusing the mind, so that you can begin to think more clearly as you focus on your recovery.

Once you see your way clear of the depression (which can take a lot of time, be gentle with yourself), i suggest you begin to evaluate your needs and wants as a submissive. It is possible you may need someone more Dominant and controlling - and then you will need to evaluate your current relationship vs. those needs.

There was a day when my ex Master told me years ago that i needed someone more controlling than him. i didn't want to believe him, i said "No, you're exactly what i need!" Turns out he was right. But it has only been after time and yoga and self-exploration that i've been able to identify exactly who and what i am, and what i need, and am now happy and at peace as i slowly find the best place for me to get my needs met.

Move gently and take advantage of the loving and supportive framework that you have. This can be a powerful time in your life of transformation if you simply feel what you need to feel, move through the feelings, and be present with yourself - and you'll be able to figure out what you need.

Good luck to you.

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply :)

He did say one day I may out grow Him and I am afraid that maybe this is what has happened, it breaks my heart to think that.

I do get low anyway but because of circumstances out of my control lately I have been finding it increasingly hard to keep on top of everything.
Meditation is definately something I need to get back into.

Thank you again UniqueRaven i really felt your answer xxx

Thank you all xxx

(in reply to UniqueRaven)

Post #: 11

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 7:48:19 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

You're welcome, and good luck to you.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to she100)

Post #: 12

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 8:22:24 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

i was a drifting ship too once - i looked to others to tether me and hold me down, but i still felt empty inside and directionless. when i came to this 'officially' ten years ago or so i wanted to believe that the man id find would keep these strong parameters around me, control my every moment and that id feel safe and content within those confines but the emptyness and the feeling that i hadnt quite found what i was looking for kept me drifting and moving along.

i have to tell you its only recently that ive realised that this drifting cant be taken away by anyone else. i realise its deep inside of me and what ive been looking for all of this time is an inner peace.

ive found it and now ive almost done myself out of wanting or needing a Dominant in my life at all. almost but i realise that now all thats happened is that the focus has shifted from me looking to them for absolute leadership and its now just about me giving him all of me, my submission and my inner peace.

my only other suggestion is to talk very openly to youre Master, ask him to give you the direction you need. punishment isnt the anwer you know, even if right now you think you need that violence to break through the fog youre feeling. i would argue that youre Master is doing exactly the right thing and you are thinking youreself out of submission to him because you want it a certain way and it isnt coming. the fact that he said 'you might grow out of me' has lodged in youre brain, discard that, it planted a seed and its grown into something so tall its overshadowing you both. it might be true, but then again it might just be that youre blaming the drifting on him.

ask youreself why his love isnt enough or youre love for him isnt enough.
ask youreself why you think you need to be punished rather than just taken to a place by him that will settle you and sort you out
ask youreself what it is you do actually want - is it micromanagement and a heavy punishment dynamic - i can tell you that in the long run youll grow out of that pretty fast because the drifting is inside of you and only you can control that.

many subs have a great deal of control, it may not be particularly perfect, hell knows, im one long chaotic mess, im random and a bit haphazard at best but i am in control of the direction im taking and the things that i need and want right now.

whatever direction he is giving you you are rebelling against as 'not enough' and that might be so, but isnt it also possible that youre feeling so phucking crappy at the moment and you just want him to beat that out of you. but he shouldnt, he shouldnt do that at all.

having said that hun, im coming out of a foggy phase and a new fresh approach is encroaching and ive asked a friend to beat me hard, take me as far as i can go cos i just want to feel that struggle and burn, strip me down to my most basic submissive instincts and then leave me there, walk away and leave. im not saying you should ask for that, im just saying i understand youre need for something to break through the barriers youve built. you mention punishment, im suggesting you think up or find a more positive approach. you can be taken to a far better place that doesnt involve the negativity of punishment and the empty place that leaves behind.

youre guy might not be that person but you love him and he loves you. keep that in mind, its hard enough to find

< Message edited by lally2 -- 4/14/2010 8:38:49 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to she100)

Post #: 13

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 10:45:48 AM

Lockit

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You cannot expect someone to live according to your expectations if you are allowing yourself to be released from personal responsibility. Even depression can be used as a cop out. "I'm depressed... I can't... I need... so this is how I am, that's the way it is... deal with it and fulfill me." It isn't someone else not giving you what you need, it is expecting them to give you what you need to continue to cop out. Seeking a relationship that affords you the personal out of living as a productive, aware and responsible adult, isn't healthy. Expecting a dominant to take over where you don't want to be an adult is not going to work in most situations.

Start with yourself. Taking medication may help, but you still have to do the emotional homework. Personally I do not want a submissive that needs me to function in life in general because that is placing far too much on me and at some point that is going to show. I cannot think for two people with two different minds. If the way you think is a cop out, sooner or later that cop out is going to be more than I can handle or direct. I don't set myself up for failure or responsibilities I cannot actually perform.

Have you ever thought that the way you are talking to yourself and excusing yourself is a part of making you depressed? If you have little personal strength, you are going to be unhappy. Being submissive doesn't mean coping out in your own personal emotional homework. It means addressing your emotional homework, doing the work and then if you still wish to submit... go for it. But submitting to get out of personal homework or life responsibilities is a problem. That isn't submitting. That is giving up or coping out.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 4/14/2010 10:47:33 AM >

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RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 11:46:54 AM

poeticfreak

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pretty much all that needs to be said has been on the depression issue, so i'd like to address the relationship part of your post.
perhaps it's just a matter of perspective, he cares for you and is willing to take your desires into account, but that does not mean he's actually letting you have any say.
the fact that you feel somewhat dissatisfied is proof of this. that's my take on things anyway, hope i at least gave you something to think about

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Post #: 15

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 12:15:17 PM

she100

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Joined: 4/14/2010
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Lally2, I could really relate to all that you said, I am in a muddy period with only moments of clarification at the moment, you have obviously done a lot of soul searching and have a clear view on who you are and I feel inspired by what you have written, I wanted to have it beaten out of me last week and because He wouldn't accommodate that I felt that He was letting me down but I know that He actually does know me better than I realise and really, the way I felt then the crash down would of been so bad I wouldn't of been able to cope, He knew this, like I said I have other stuff going on which He takes into consideration, I really am lucky that he is considering me while I am feeling so numb!

Lockit yep it is a cop out, but I am not a cop out person I hold a lot of responsibility in my life and I give all the time so yes some times like now You are right I just want a cop out, But You are also right it is not His or anyone elses responsibility to give me what I need and crikey I have been hard on Him expecting Him to totally let me melt into Him while I take an easy ride cos I just don't want to do it anymore, totally selfish of me and besides I may want it but He knows I would never be happy in that place, Thank You for Your thoughts I needed to hear it from someone else, thinking i need Him to take absolute control is a cop out and it's not really what I want, I'm just tired.

And poeticfreak that was a bloody good answer!

Seriously thank you all again, I come onto this board hoping for some good advice and You have all exceeded my expectations!!!

I suppose I didn't expect it from a bdsm board! Awesome xxx

(in reply to poeticfreak)

Post #: 16

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 1:14:34 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: she100

I wanted to have it beaten out of me last week and because He wouldn't accommodate that I felt that He was letting me down but I know that He actually does know me better than I realise and really, the way I felt then the crash down would of been so bad I wouldn't of been able to cope, He knew this, like I said I have other stuff going on which He takes into consideration, I really am lucky that he is considering me while I am feeling so numb!

.

from what youve said there and the fact that He is giving you time out and space tells me He is one of a kind. you really need to hand youre trust over to Him and accept His direction in this. when you stop putting youre distracted 'muddy' needs infront of what He believes you need right now things will feel easier. right now you need His support. with Him behind you you are in a stronger place.

sometimes submission means pushing back what you want and accepting what He feels is right. you wanted to be beaten, He knew it was the wrong thing to do. you wanted it He was actually strong enough in Himself to deny you that - that doesnt make Him soft or easy, that makes Him a strong decision maker on youre behalf. hand those decisions over to Him and accept that right now He has other ideas.

but you might tell Him how you feel, that you feel muddy, foggy, and that you need to let rip. it doesnt have to be punishment, why do people always go for punishment. i dont understand this at all. He can take you there in a positive, caring, loving way that will give you the emotional 'out' that you might need right now.

its just a thought, but read the thread i started on 'general discussion' - theres some great advice on there.

sometimes we need to let rip, sometimes we need to struggle, scream and kick just to let the worms out. its just a thought anyway.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to she100)

Post #: 17

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 2:24:35 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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she100, we all feel that way at some point in life! I don't know anyone who didn't want to just melt into something, even if it was just a bed... and let the world stop for a few. I didn't want to be harsh with you and I can sound that way when I talk straight. We all need those hugs and support and get off center sometimes and don't need some online person beating up on us! It does sound like you are being accountable in it all and sometimes you... just like any of us, might need a bit of a reminder! I know I do from time to time.

Good luck!

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 18

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/14/2010 6:18:27 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Dominance will not cure depression. Your need for total control is because you don't have the energy to make any of your own decisions.

First, get a check up. Various medical conditions can appear to be depression. Or cause it for that matter. If it can't be addressed through your general practitioner, get a referral to a good psychiatrist or psychopharmacologist. Then get therapy.

Be aware that the treatment for depression can cause some problems with libido and/or the ability to reach orgasm. If this happens, ask the psychiatrist to switch your meds.

You wouldn't ask your dominant to control diabetis by taking total control, would you? This is also a biochemical disorder and needs to be treated by a professional.

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(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 19

RE: 1st post - Depressed - 4/15/2010 3:19:29 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

Hey OP, pass the pills! jesus... after reading all this, now I am depressed too. Is it contagious or what?

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I give good thread.

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Post #: 20

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